Under the cancer star
i wish you well.
under the cancer moon,
i bid you adieu.
under the cancer sun,
you better run.

*********
*Debajo de la estrella del cáncer
te deseo lo mejor.
debajo de la luna del cáncer,
Te digo adiós.
debajo de la estrella del cáncer,
ama a dios.
Finally!
Today is the day!
The truck pulls up in front of my house
It has been an endless torment of rescheduling, delays and excuses.
Excuses.
Plain and simple
Nothing else can explain the unnecessary seemingly infinite delays.
Each day before I would “rise and shine” and go running to the window panes like a five year old child on Christmas morning
My nose pressed against the cold glass
My breath fogging up the pane below
But no matter how many times I pulled that curtain aside, the truck wasn’t there
Another day….
Another friggin’ day!
Immediately I knew that I had to wait a MINIMUM of 24 hours until the low guttering sounds and black plumes of smoke from that diesel engine were chugging up the hill at the end of my street and finally (fatefully) stopping in front of my front door….
But NO MORE WAITING!!
THE TRUCK IS HERE!!
With fervor and excitement I zip and zoom about. A dancing comet, back and forth between the house and truck
The crew of two in their typical garbs assist me with the loading, especially the ‘heavier’ items.
Like fingers dragged across the length of ivory keys my emotions expand the entire range of human capability
There are moments of great joy & laughter and others of guttural crying & loss.
A great weight has been lifted from me.
The baggage has been loaded up and forever it will be gone.
No more agonizing thoughts of you.
No more unanswered questions that I don’t want to ask.
No more pain and suffering. No more agony and regret. No more anger and resentment. No more love and hate.
A paradox of emotions that were inside of me and even I could not explain why they were so.
Worst of all was my completely incompetent ability to control them.
They ran the show. They called the shots. I had no choice. I was hopeless, at least that’s what I thought.
But each day rolled on to another and I would wake hopeful that ‘today’ would be the day I could move on.
‘Today’ that moving truck would be outside my door ready to load up all your shit! All of your baggage would be gone!
If you told me at the beginning how long it would take, the endless days of misery, to rid me of you, I think I would have chosen to end it all on a hot dish of lead.
Of course, when I say ‘rid me of you’ I mean rid you from my soul. You physically left so long ago that my mind has turned those days from then to now into a blur.
A Groundhog Day of misery endlessly repeating the cycle of suffering, self-loathing, dejection and worthlessness.
But no more!
Out the door!
On the truck!
And on they way to ‘Anywhere but fucking here!’
The smile upon my face constantly twists between great joy and madness.
“Victory!”, I think to myself.
Right? I mean, this is what I wanted…..right?
I know that I can’t have her. That seems to be a definite.
Then why do I feel so empty inside?
I’m finally moving on.
The memories a faint image of what was.
Like those last days of summer that try so hard to hang on to the good times and summertime fun but inevitably wane, fade and dwindle off supplanted by the cool fresh breeze of fall.
Those snapshot files and video cuts that would haunt and torture. Life itself was something I lamented.
Never to the point where I felt I wanted to pull that final curtain shut. I definitely approached the stage a few times though and looked at the rigging, seeing how it might be done.
My wails of anguish summed into only one thought, “Please rid me of this pain!”
So, now that my wish has been answered. The fairy tale story told. Finding the gold at the end of the rainbow. Why do I still not feel right?
I’m afraid to think the thoughts I’m thinking let alone say them
Now that the pain is gone.
The weight of thirty elephants has been removed from my chest
Sunshine has reentered my life.
Happiness is an emotion I can experience again
Yet, a hole inside still exists. A hole from the pain of her. A hole from the pain of the pain of her.
I miss the pain.
No…...I can’t think this….it can’t be true….I miss...I miss...I miss the PAIN!?!
NO!
That can’t be right!
But if I reflect and speak the truth without the fear of it I must realize and admit that there is an emptiness in me from no longer having the pain.
If those spirits have been cast out along with all the little goblins and gremlins then the finality is final.
My history has become true history
A final stamp upon the seal
And even though I’ve moved on
and wanted nothing more than those demons expelled
In some weirdly small inexplicable and incomprehensible way….I miss the pain
Because what ‘Is’ is now what ‘Was’
That story has it’s ending
And somewhere deep inside, a small tea light is still lit
Deep within my heart
One flickering incredulous flame
unable to believe or admit
Still holding on to the last shred of hope
Imprisoned by love
Watching the truck spew dust and smoke as it leaves
Softly, quietly, with no one else able to hear
He won’t give up on you
As he cries those salty tears
Written: January 23, 2018

All rights reserved
Liz Carlson Oct 2017
It's not you, it's me.
Not true.
It's all you and all me.
I need to give you up for my sanity.
You make me go insane with your little games.
Why do I keep playing?
I believe in second chances,
but this is your millionth chance.
I've tried all too many times to let you in,
but you reject me and act like nothing happened.
I'm letting you go,
out of self respect.
I have that now, and I'm not letting it go.
Adios.
See you never.
Your welcome, self.
He was as lonesome as a cemetery.
And far more empty than any barren field.

In your time nobody will recognize your genius till its flame has long since been extinguished.

Nobody sought out to be a legend they simply put one foot in front of the other in hopes just to get through as fucked as me or you.

He never knew exceptance and most thought him a outcast.
That bastard in the mirror was a stranger to even I.
Liam C Calhoun Oct 2016
Salient pools swarmed upon
Seas
Of blackened
Amber,
Reflected
Neon gazes,
And
The love that could never be.

She knew it.

I knew it.

Hell, Even my luggage knew it.

All that remained were the footsteps
And in opposite directions.
Crimsyy Sep 2016
I forgot to say my goodbyes,
when my love for you
washed out your lies,

              Excuse me now,
              I'm somebody else.


You're screaming on the floor,
But I'm not knocking
on your door,

              I don't know what you're here for,
               unless to beg for forgiveness
               on all fours.


And still, I'd say no,
and still, I'd
walk away,

               Because "sorry" is
                the worst lie you could say.


My send-off,
the most savage
you'll find,

              *Because "fuck off"
                is too kind.
Ceida Uilyc Jun 2016
She told me that she wanted to kiss me.

I’d swooned over her curves since a long-long time

Dreamt of the moment she was ready to say yes to my 2-year long request to share her warmth.

So, I jumped with joy, but was numb to say anything more.

I thought, she’d be different.

I thought, she’d know.

I thought she’d understood nothing more, yet nothing less

Than what I’d always said-
At the end of the day, leave me alone!

Like most people,
She too thought that this was merely ornamental.

And she said that I hated love because I’ve not been loved enough.


Gwaaah! Such lies.

Such coarse hopes people prison within and dream more about the torture.  

But, there was a difference.

I was not one among them.
I had no rousing dreams.
I did not want any romance, I merely wanted her body.

No.
Co-existence without shite was prettier.

Wetten.
              Fuck.
                          Ejaculate
and Clean it off with a gush of the jet.  

Like most liars, she too lied that she hated commitment.
And echoed with me.
Like more flimsy folks, she was flaying too.

She was not my falancho.

So when I finally told her that I didn’t have time for her.

It was with a heavy heart
                                              because I had time for her body, but no time for her emotions. Or mine to be shared.

It’s a burden to even think that I may start it all over again.
                                               So ….

When she told me that I will never see her again,

               I was smiling inside.
                                                       And I silently told her,
Fuck Off!
I had such dreams about living with her.
But, she was just another leech, looking for love.
Just another man in women's tender skin ...
Liam C Calhoun Jun 2016
The ether’d suggested,
          “Say something.”
                    I didn’t.

The photos bombarded,
          “Say something.”
                    And I didn’t once more.

His widow plead, cried,
          “Say something”
                    I couldn’t.

One daughter begged,
          “Remember?
                    And I couldn’t once more.

But I bought a cake,
           “Daddy?”
                    Lit the candles,
                              “Daddy?”
                 ­                       And he didn’t;
                                                  And he wouldn’t
                                       Answer,
Because I never did.
Hiraeth (n.) a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for lost places of your past.
oui Dec 2015
tangly hair and light pink nails
a pretty little mess
disaster's got his eyes on you
and your black sequin dress

you sniff and sneeze just what you please
when all you want is wine and cheese
you've sent your brain over the seas
and give your love the rose gold keys
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