Today is the day!
The truck pulls up in front of my house
It has been an endless torment of rescheduling, delays and excuses.
Plain and simple
Nothing else can explain the unnecessary seemingly infinite delays.
Each day before I would “rise and shine” and go running to the window panes like a five year old child on Christmas morning
My nose pressed against the cold glass
My breath fogging up the pane below
But no matter how many times I pulled that curtain aside, the truck wasn’t there
Another friggin’ day!
Immediately I knew that I had to wait a MINIMUM of 24 hours until the low guttering sounds and black plumes of smoke from that diesel engine were chugging up the hill at the end of my street and finally (fatefully) stopping in front of my front door….
But NO MORE WAITING!!
THE TRUCK IS HERE!!
With fervor and excitement I zip and zoom about. A dancing comet, back and forth between the house and truck
The crew of two in their typical garbs assist me with the loading, especially the ‘heavier’ items.
Like fingers dragged across the length of ivory keys my emotions expand the entire range of human capability
There are moments of great joy & laughter and others of guttural crying & loss.
A great weight has been lifted from me.
The baggage has been loaded up and forever it will be gone.
No more agonizing thoughts of you.
No more unanswered questions that I don’t want to ask.
No more pain and suffering. No more agony and regret. No more anger and resentment. No more love and hate.
A paradox of emotions that were inside of me and even I could not explain why they were so.
Worst of all was my completely incompetent ability to control them.
They ran the show. They called the shots. I had no choice. I was hopeless, at least that’s what I thought.
But each day rolled on to another and I would wake hopeful that ‘today’ would be the day I could move on.
‘Today’ that moving truck would be outside my door ready to load up all your shit! All of your baggage would be gone!
If you told me at the beginning how long it would take, the endless days of misery, to rid me of you, I think I would have chosen to end it all on a hot dish of lead.
Of course, when I say ‘rid me of you’ I mean rid you from my soul. You physically left so long ago that my mind has turned those days from then to now into a blur.
A Groundhog Day of misery endlessly repeating the cycle of suffering, self-loathing, dejection and worthlessness.
But no more!
Out the door!
On the truck!
And on they way to ‘Anywhere but fucking here!’
The smile upon my face constantly twists between great joy and madness.
“Victory!”, I think to myself.
Right? I mean, this is what I wanted…..right?
I know that I can’t have her. That seems to be a definite.
Then why do I feel so empty inside?
I’m finally moving on.
The memories a faint image of what was.
Like those last days of summer that try so hard to hang on to the good times and summertime fun but inevitably wane, fade and dwindle off supplanted by the cool fresh breeze of fall.
Those snapshot files and video cuts that would haunt and torture. Life itself was something I lamented.
Never to the point where I felt I wanted to pull that final curtain shut. I definitely approached the stage a few times though and looked at the rigging, seeing how it might be done.
My wails of anguish summed into only one thought, “Please rid me of this pain!”
So, now that my wish has been answered. The fairy tale story told. Finding the gold at the end of the rainbow. Why do I still not feel right?
I’m afraid to think the thoughts I’m thinking let alone say them
Now that the pain is gone.
The weight of thirty elephants has been removed from my chest
Sunshine has reentered my life.
Happiness is an emotion I can experience again
Yet, a hole inside still exists. A hole from the pain of her. A hole from the pain of the pain of her.
I miss the pain.
No…...I can’t think this….it can’t be true….I miss...I miss...I miss the PAIN!?!
That can’t be right!
But if I reflect and speak the truth without the fear of it I must realize and admit that there is an emptiness in me from no longer having the pain.
If those spirits have been cast out along with all the little goblins and gremlins then the finality is final.
My history has become true history
A final stamp upon the seal
And even though I’ve moved on
and wanted nothing more than those demons expelled
In some weirdly small inexplicable and incomprehensible way….I miss the pain
Because what ‘Is’ is now what ‘Was’
That story has it’s ending
And somewhere deep inside, a small tea light is still lit
Deep within my heart
One flickering incredulous flame
unable to believe or admit
Still holding on to the last shred of hope
Imprisoned by love
Watching the truck spew dust and smoke as it leaves
Softly, quietly, with no one else able to hear
He won’t give up on you
As he cries those salty tears
Written: January 23, 2018
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