Sometimes I talk in my sleep
more than I do in reality

in a haze of make believe
some particular deceit

woven in amongst fears
and doubts  

stories of better days
daydreams noted down

Happiness is a day dream
spent in a London haze
summer in the park
laying in the grass

It’s a distant memory
of drinking white wine
talking about who we were
who we wanted to be

It’s a familiar ghost
like the faded colours
of that corner
on Blue Boar street

You are the feeling of walking in the cold
wrapped up in scarves and winter coats
a familiar song playing
at full volume in my ears
each step detached from the world
held in suspension from reality
as weightless as the sunlight

You are the fifth drink on a Friday night
hidden in the corner booth
in the same old bar
with the same stories retold
and the same laughs we always get
familiarity like warmth
like a whiskey

You are a fantasy
a safety blanket
just a nice place to be

Living is a case of accidental poisoning
watching ceilings at three am
dissociative days drowning in caffeine
to stay awake
to stay ahead
as anxiety taps your shoulder
an uneasy aching body
always wanting more
sleep
appetite
will to survive

I am fading from real life
turning into notifications
an unread inbox
of messages with emojis
(instead of emotion)
stuck behind blue light
just a digital version
of hope and hurt

Depression is
a life lived under water
numb to feeling
robbed of sound
falling
rising in the tide
at the whim of the waves
heavy
and hopeless

You are my safe space
the feeling of lazing in the sun
sand between my toes
listening to waves rolling in
holding melting ice-cream
as we rush to eat every scoop

A Sunday stroll
in hazy morning light
our feet keeping time
as we try to unpick our lives
in the darkened corners of the Pitt Rivers
You are the only place I want to be

The only person I need

Sometimes I feel like a person
all the wishes and wants
of someone who loves
and can be loved
in a surrealist way

Sometimes I feel immaterial
a collection of tangled ideas
lost in someones head
slowly waiting
unraveling
on the way to disappearing

Sometimes its feels like we're talking
through train station speakerphones
muffled by static and noise
screaming our lungs out
to no one at all
while life just rolls on by
disappearing under tracks
with so little regard

Love is
Fond memories of a city we hate
Conversations whispered at 3am
Holding hands on Blue Boar Street on my twenty second birthday
Always wishing it was summer in Regents Park that one day

Love is
Crying in the car on a Wednesday morning because of distance
Staring blankly at a phone screen
Debating calling to hear you on the voice mail
An empty side of the bed you should claim

Love is

Love was

Love will be

You

The smell of your shirt
when you talked me down from the edge
the middle of winter
in an overcrowded pub
has been my sanity

The sound of your voice
on a crowded bus late Friday night
my escape from reality
from the moment we met
you've been the one
who saved me

We lose each other in the chaos
the everyday shopping lists
the never ending conference calls
the things that feel pointless
empty

When we finally stop to
breathe
to feel

Momentary sanity
amid suffocating lunacy
of it always being everything else
over us

How funny it is
to be fleeting,
a momentary lapse in your judgement
an imperfection on an otherwise
pristine existence
a reminder of your weakness
the need to feel
to connect
to care

There are days like the brilliance of the first snow
brightness that almost blinds
full hearts
heavy sighs
slowing down time
while grasping at straws
for a way out from under reality and it's spot light

No one knows the interiors of our lives
all of the tragedies we survive on a daily basis
with the monsters in our homes
days disappeared by ghosts
our love lost
to someone
something so unworthy

I keep you in my pocket
a constant charm
reminder of the good times
old days
spent young and foolish
in the summer sun
living in love songs
forever
all night long
we go on...

The city always reminds me of you
amber leaves in Hyde Park
your coffee under the trees keeping my hands warm

Our nervous laughs
all the way to our love lost somewhere in the dark
cold shoulders through phone fights

But we never walk away
from a chance of feeling something
like that first date

Hearts out of hibernation

I loved you from that moment
our borrowed time
lost in October sunshine

Wish we'd met at a different time
as different people
living their lives in a different way
lost inside a big city
with so much space to grow
into each others arms
a real meeting of the hearts
as poets in usual haunts
or suits looking for a thrill
after a week of number crunching
over beer, pizza
and enough stories to fill a lifetime
only pausing for breath
only pausing to say
ain't it funny
how we met this way

You belong to the credit card statements on your coffee table
to your bosses emails at 7pm
to plans you can't cancel
to conversations that just don't end

You belong to morning commutes
to browsing produce same time every Tuesday
to the caffeine fix it you missed
to sad days you want to escape

You belong to everything
but you

Fair-weather love is all the rage
like plastic wine glasses
lost in the grass

A summer haze

Fair-weather love is all the rage
And we are just having one of those days

We are always falling together
like the waves and shore
pulling apart
at every opportunity
but addicted to each other
in a way only we know
under the moonlight
waiting for a sunrise
on and on
we go

I still think about when we first met
sometime in late  October
with rain in your hair
the sound of a beer cracking open
the sinking feeling
of just knowing

I was a stargazer
sky watcher
full of hope
tracing pictures in clouds
(cats on surfboards and such)
with bright sunlight
or deep blue midnight
until it ended
with a crushing sunrise

I always thought you’d be the one that stuck
through the three am fights on our phones
through cold winters
and even colder shoulders
but here we are undone
untethered
in the worst kind of way
unstuck

I love the idea of us
having a place of our own
somewhere to share discussions
about the meaning of life
and drink good wine
a place we can hide
from the world
and all of it's cruelties

I imagine us choosing the paint
or the perfect coffee table
being content with the small act
of decisive stability
we chose to be there
together
in the place
that feels like home

We're all just zeros and ones
on a mailing list somewhere
we signed up for
on a whim

Waiting for days to pass
into darkness and oblivion
because who knows
if we matter
in the grand scheme of things

Against this background
of wars and weather change
we fight battles with paperwork
who's turn it was
to load the dishwasher

Who would notice
if we disappeared
lost in the wilderness

You stand in the school yard
waiting for the bell to ring
for the day to disappear
they tell you not to
wish away your life
but you want to be someone
outside of those gates

These will be the days
you ant back later in life
they tell you
but you're not so sure

They don't tell you
about 9am tedium
hours spent in traffic
endless forms about taxes

Days lost behind your desk
watching the clock
wishing for the day to end
as you keep your head above
the bills, deadlines
and desperately needed alone time

Wanting is a strange feeling
an abstract emotion
that can tie you up
in all sorts of ways
days undercover hiding
or running away
from a ghost
a promise
something tangible

We're halfway between
two different worlds
caught up amongst the chaos
of all the colours
fighting against the dark side
of cigarettes at the back
of the bars we shouldn't be in
glasses of gin or something
more like liquid guilt

He told me he loved me
on a Tuesday night
sometime in summer

Straight after work
heels kicked off
a ball on the sofa

He told me he loved me
and I felt light
like running

My heart is a stone
heavy
unmoving

It doesn't care for
pretty blue eyes
or his pretty little lies

I feel waves of rage
anger that I can't place
it consumes me
bubbles in soda cups
fizzling out
slowing

It's odd how much people change
old friends from childhood
feel like strangers
and you wonder
whatever happened to them

I have changed too
detached from myself in a way
it's almost uncomfortable
not feeling like me
like a dreamscape
it is almost somewhere safe

It's a funny feeling
not wanting to exist
it's overpowering
suffocating
but I feel it

Laying still at midnight
wishing away time
for it all to stop
the anxiety
the constant drowning

What a waste of sunlight
what a strange way to be

I keep you in my back pocket
for lonely Sunday evenings
or Tuesdays when he doesn't come home
when he's busy with something else
someone else

You hate me for it
and I hate me too
for calling when I shouldn't
for needing you
when I really shouldn't

We're painfully predictable
don't you think?
half a decade
plus some change
of this same insane
almost love story

We make plans we won't keep
the house by the sea
just simple nights on the sofa
or star gazing somewhere
we're just so tired
and it's been so long
we're all talk
we always have been

We fight about nothing
on the quiet days
just to fill the gaps
and as an excuse to make up
but still there's so much
radio silence
screaming
pining
lust

love

I miss the simplicty
of being yours
being young
in the back of class rooms
in tragic classic novels
with folded down pages
something you always hated
the songs about heartbreak
autumnal sunsets
champagne coloured skies
perfection at the horizon

Do you ever count the bad days
and wonder why
you let those hours pass you by

Why get out from under the covers
the comfort of memory foam
and the cold side of the pillow

Why sit in traffic
listening to those same over played songs
wanting to scream at the top of your lungs
at the changing lights

Why sit at a desk
with almost strangers
checking for the count down to lunch
or any type of break
from the relentless machine
of the everyday

Why not pack up and leave
move to a place where you count
do something that matters
without a six am alarm
but that's just another thought
to pass the day

Sometimes I want to crawl
out of my skin
into a beach body
sun kissed perfection

Lost somewhere out at sea
amongst nothing but rolling waves
miles of silence
and occasional stillness

No longer existing
far away from dry land
and all of the anchors
scattered in family ties
and at nine to five desks

You're a firework
a momentary thing of beauty
on cold nights
under amber city lights

You're a leaving train
when you're already running late
loud
and endlesly frustrating

You're an alarm
on a Sunday morning
with the cold side of the pillow
putting the day on snooze

You're rain
with a forecast for summer
or the cup of tea
and you're feet up
at the end of it all

You're everything wonderful
but terrible all the same

The summer is a dream
heat through open windows
on lazy, restless nights
bringing out the best
and the worst

The summer is a storm
just waiting to happening
breaking the silence of clear skies
falling against dusty concrete

The summer reminds me of youth
days spend in parks
pretending to be warriors
fighting the monsters
on the other side of the swings

While you stay still
the world keeps spinning
without end
without regard
without repent

Everything is different from one day
to the next
friends move on, move away
lovers pass through
not stopping
not staying

But you stay still

People learn and start anew
new feelings
new findings
a brand new place to be

But you stay still
wondering if its ever going to change
if you'll ever be like them
happy
content

There's a pace to life
steps to follow
but you stay still

You never say the right thing
but like a desert
like a drought
I wait for rain
for a dramatic declaration of love
for an apology
that never comes

You always walk away
at the worst time
when I need you to stay
but still I wait

Do you ever think about me
during Sunday lunches or at piano rectials
of holding hands in the dark
our bodies against each other

Do you ever feel like you're missing out
while you're pretending
to be who are you out there  

Do you ever look at the ring
on your left hand and wonder
what if it had been us

I try to reset sometimes

Wind back the cassette to before
that rainy November day
to when I didn't feel lost
without you
holding me down
keeping me anchored

I close my eyes to see the fine details
the loud confidence
the smell of rain on your skin
the can of beer in your hand
how you took my hands
like a winter coat against the cold

I go back and chose an empty seat
or don't talk about the traffic
how glad we were it was Friday
I would never have heard you laugh
seen the way you look in love

We fit
And I wish I could undo it

You're a little boy trapped
stuck in a moment
buried decades ago
on a summers day
when everything changed

You're an angry man
stuck in his old ways
bar fights and cheap dates
nothing new these days
just more of the same

You're as damaged
or as mended
as you want to be
depending on the light
or who caught your eye

You're a lone wolf
with no place to call home
and no need to hold on
I want to love you until it hurts
I don't want to let you go

We are an idea in someone's head
how they think we spend our mornings
who they think we spend our nights with
It all gets added together
like a jigsaw puzzel
we rationalise the pieces and parts
but does it matter what they think
as long as it all fits
as long we're someone
to someone
somewhere

Settling;
there is nothing wrong with it
being comfortable
just being ok

It's not worth rocking the boat
No sparks
No fireworks or fights

It could be different to the past
He could be the one that stays
when it gets boring
when there is nothing to talk about

It could be good enough
He is predicatable at times
but everyone can become tiresome after a while

He isn't you
But in the end you weren't either

Maybe this is it
how it should be
how it's going to be

I guess this is it
I have decided to settle

We all have our own monsters

In our homes
In our heads

Darkness we can't chase away
With bottles of *****

The kind that drag us down
Further than we've ever known

Feeling that something's missing
That fear that leaves us all alone

I'm not enough
but neither are you

We disappoint each other
over and over

I want romance
and you miss passion
up close and...

I hate your silences
you hate my vague answers
there are all the small things
the big things
and everything in between

There were long nights
talking about the world
holding hands on rainy streets
the sound of your voice
at one am

Like old French movies
we're tragic

At the end of it all
we're classic

We're the same in a way
the same eyes
the same bad temperament
but I'm a mess
you can't clean up
and you hate that
no lemony freshness could work
on the broken hearts
day dreams spilt in ink
the time wasted searching
for something that matters