Kids still smoke under the tree
where we used to hide between classes
where I told Tom I loved him
a life time ago
but it still feels like who I am
the girl with the crush on the guy in the band

Do you ever count the bad days
and wonder why
you let those hours pass you by

Why get out from under the covers
the comfort of memory foam
and the cold side of the pillow

Why sit in traffic
listening to those same over played songs
wanting to scream at the top of your lungs
at the changing lights

Why sit at a desk
with almost strangers
checking for the count down to lunch
or any type of break
from the relentless machine
of the everyday

Why not pack up and leave
move to a place where you count
do something that matters
without a six am alarm
but that's just another thought
to pass the day

You're a little boy trapped
stuck in a moment
buried decades ago
on a summers day
when everything changed

You're an angry man
stuck in his old ways
bar fights and cheap dates
nothing new these days
just more of the same

You're as damaged
or as mended
as you want to be
depending on the light
or who caught your eye

You're a lone wolf
with no place to call home
and no need to hold on
I want to love you until it hurts
I don't want to let you go

I keep you in my back pocket
for lonely Sunday evenings
or Tuesdays when he doesn't come home
when he's busy with something else
someone else

You hate me for it
and I hate me too
for calling when I shouldn't
for needing you
when I really shouldn't

We all have our own monsters

In our homes
In our heads

Darkness we can't chase away
With bottles of *****

The kind that drag us down
Further than we've ever known

Feeling that something's missing
That fear that leaves us all alone

He told me he loved me
on a Tuesday night
sometime in summer

Straight after work
heels kicked off
a ball on the sofa

He told me he loved me
and I felt light
like running

My heart is a stone
heavy
unmoving

It doesn't care for
pretty blue eyes
or his pretty little lies

You belong to the credit card statements on your coffee table
to your bosses emails at 7pm
to plans you can't cancel
to conversations that just don't end

You belong to morning commutes
to browsing produce same time every Tuesday
to the caffeine fix it you missed
to sad days you want to escape

You belong to everything
but you

James I'm in love with the idea of you
I think about it all the time
who I'd like you to be
in this sad little life of mine

The knight in shining armour
saving me from a burning building
chasing away all of the demons
without all of the posions
no more bottles of whisky needed

I can blame the champagne
for signing my heart away
to cheap thrills
bruised knees

On the back of your motorbike
riding through the city
as if life made sense

The Springsteen records you played
were stuck in my head

Just like you

Sometimes I talk in my sleep
more than I do in reality

in a haze of make believe
some particular deceit

woven in amongst fears
and doubts  

stories of better days
daydreams noted down

Sometimes I want to crawl
out of my skin
into a beach body
sun kissed perfection

Lost somewhere out at sea
amongst nothing but rolling waves
miles of silence
and occasional stillness

No longer existing
far away from dry land
and all of the anchors
scattered in family ties
and at nine to five desks

I try to reset sometimes

Wind back the cassette to before
that rainy November day
to when I didn't feel lost
without you
holding me down
keeping me anchored

I close my eyes to see the fine details
the loud confidence
the smell of rain on your skin
the can of beer in your hand
how you took my hands
like a winter coat against the cold

I go back and chose an empty seat
or don't talk about the traffic
how glad we were it was Friday
I would never have heard you laugh
seen the way you look in love

We fit
And I wish I could undo it

We were addicted to strawberry creams
And lemon sherbets
Searching for anything with a sugar rush

Our jumpers tied around our waists
Dragging textbooks and revision notes
Across gravel on summer days
Counting down till it would all be over

There was a world out there
With dragons and knights in shining armour
Or pant suits and project meetings
Depending on who you asked
Or who you were at the time

We wore black and talked about death
Or wished the short days wouldn’t end
At the back of the music block where no one would see
The smell of cigarette smoke on our breath
First kisses and first heart breaks were had

A life time ago but we still have strawberry creams
and those lemon sherbets

I want to fall in love with you all over again
where it all started
on that corner of Hyde Park
watching the leaves change
on the edge of 21
walking home in the rain
living as if nothing would ever change

I miss the summer
when I couldn’t stop thinking about you
falling asleep to your voice at 3am
sharing stories of who we’d been
before that day in October
in the cold and the rain

I miss that feeling
of being safe wrapped up in your arms
in the back of the pub
when it felt like my world was falling apart
hiding away from everything

Before it all went dark

Life was simple at twenty-one
there was hope for us
there was a chance we’d be
all of the things we promised we’d be
living on the coast
tangled in each other's arms
under skies full of stars
watching the waves roll in  
a world away from anyone
anything we know

I want you
your strange habits
your bad moods
the stories you tell on Friday nights
after a beer
or six
the sound of your voice first thing
breakfast in the sun
stolen days in bed
the pace of your heartbeat
lost under covers and clouds

Oh, I want you

It was just a momentary blip
when I saw you for who you are

A lapse in my better judgement
to have listened to you
and heard the words you said
instead of editing it all in my head

So we look like a movie

So we look like we’re in love

While you stay still
the world keeps spinning
without end
without regard
without repent

Everything is different from one day
to the next
friends move on, move away
lovers pass through
not stopping
not staying

But you stay still

People learn and start anew
new feelings
new findings
a brand new place to be

But you stay still
wondering if its ever going to change
if you'll ever be like them
happy
content

There's a pace to life
steps to follow
but you stay still

We used to picture a life at sea
at the mercy of the waves
and the setting sun
lost under stars
drifting further apart
contained in a space
too small
for the tragedies  
told by aching hearts

I know the feel of summer in this town
ice cream melting down our fingers
bare feet on the grass by the river
daring each other to jump in

Freedom starting with a final bell
carrying our hopes home in a backpack
with all the day dreams and doodles

Reading books about the lives we’d lead
if we were adventurers
exploring beyond the edges of the football field
lost somewhere between fantasy and reality

Watching life pass by with the changing colours of the leaves
crash landing into responsibility

We are the secerets we keep
the songs we dance to in the kitchen
when no one else is home
the drunken kisses at parties
we told our parents we weren't going to
the regular nightmares that make us want to run

We are the things we want
when no one else is looking
the second slice of cake
the quiet lazy days we crave
all of the pet peeves
we still hold grudges for

To me you are who you were
in the park last summer
after two glasses of wine
holding hands while the light
faded out

I miss the simplicty
of being yours
being young
in the back of class rooms
in tragic classic novels
with folded down pages
something you always hated
the songs about heartbreak
autumnal sunsets
champagne coloured skies
perfection at the horizon

Settling;
there is nothing wrong with it
being comfortable
just being ok

It's not worth rocking the boat
No sparks
No fireworks or fights

It could be different to the past
He could be the one that stays
when it gets boring
when there is nothing to talk about

It could be good enough
He is predicatable at times
but everyone can become tiresome after a while

He isn't you
But in the end you weren't either

Maybe this is it
how it should be
how it's going to be

I guess this is it
I have decided to settle

I was a stargazer
sky watcher
full of hope
tracing pictures in clouds
(cats on surfboards and such)
with bright sunlight
or deep blue midnight
until it ended
with a crushing sunrise

It's a funny feeling
not wanting to exist
it's overpowering
suffocating
but I feel it

Laying still at midnight
wishing away time
for it all to stop
the anxiety
the constant drowning

What a waste of sunlight
what a strange way to be

We fell in love in October
sharing laughs
and lemon sherbets

while everyone else faded away

We fell in love in the dark
when breathing hurt
and every day was the same

stuck alone with our pasts

We fell in love in the rain
waiting for the clouds to clear
and for weather to change

we fell in love when we shouldn't have done

but we wouldn't want it to change

We are our blood
all of the family ties that bind us
keep us in our place

In the same country towns
on roads we walked with backpacks
dreaming of the beyond

The things we said we'd do
to keep our parents happy
the school plays and good grades

Sometimes it's all too much
being the good one
or knowing you have to grow up

Sometimes there is nothing more
than being nameless in the wilderness
with no expectations to weigh us down
with no scars from the past

born brand new

I would have stayed in London
not given away my heart
and left it with the wrong person
spent a few nights on beaches
under clear skies and stars
in a Miami sunset haze
Maybe I’d be by the sea
or living the big city dream
be a new version of myself
a person I always wanted to be

We're all just zeros and ones
on a mailing list somewhere
we signed up for
on a whim

Waiting for days to pass
into darkness and oblivion
because who knows
if we matter
in the grand scheme of things

Against this background
of wars and weather change
we fight battles with paperwork
who's turn it was
to load the dishwasher

Who would notice
if we disappeared
lost in the wilderness

Do you ever think about me
during Sunday lunches or at piano rectials
of holding hands in the dark
our bodies against each other

Do you ever feel like you're missing out
while you're pretending
to be who are you out there  

Do you ever look at the ring
on your left hand and wonder
what if it had been us

I still think about when we first met
sometime in late  October
with rain in your hair
the sound of a beer cracking open
the sinking feeling
of just knowing

We're the same in a way
the same eyes
the same bad temperament
but I'm a mess
you can't clean up
and you hate that
no lemony freshness could work
on the broken hearts
day dreams spilt in ink
the time wasted searching
for something that matters

I am fading from real life
turning into notifications
an unread inbox
of messages with emojis
(instead of emotion)
stuck behind blue light
just a digital version
of hope and hurt

We're painfully predictable
don't you think?
half a decade
plus some change
of this same insane
almost love story

We make plans we won't keep
the house by the sea
just simple nights on the sofa
or star gazing somewhere
we're just so tired
and it's been so long
we're all talk
we always have been

We fight about nothing
on the quiet days
just to fill the gaps
and as an excuse to make up
but still there's so much
radio silence
screaming
pining
lust

love

I think about us in the dark
walking the back streets in the city
taking the long way home
hand in hand
sharing laughs and whispers
full of hope

I think about us
in a tiny house in the country
we'd rattle about in our old age
with climbing roses
and rocking chairs on the porch

I think about us
on lazy Sunday mornings
in perfect sleep drunk silence
your favourite black coffee
the crossword puzzles I never finish
just in a haze

I think about us
and sometimes it hurts
because of who we are

You are the feeling of walking in the cold
wrapped up in scarves and winter coats
a familiar song playing
at full volume in my ears
each step detached from the world
held in suspension from reality
as weightless as the sunlight

You are the fifth drink on a Friday night
hidden in the corner booth
in the same old bar
with the same stories retold
and the same laughs we always get
familiarity like warmth
like a whiskey

You are a fantasy
a safety blanket
just a nice place to be

I want a Sunday morning kind of life
coffee on the porch
pile of pillows in bed
the newspaper folded the way you always did

Those days wasted
talking about heading for the coast
living in the sand and sea
your skin on mine
in perfect pace

I want just another one of those days
with ice cream on your chin
and the grass between our toes
the smell of lavander or honeysuckle
long walks in the sun

You never say the right thing
but like a desert
like a drought
I wait for rain
for a dramatic declaration of love
for an apology
that never comes

You always walk away
at the worst time
when I need you to stay
but still I wait

The summer is a dream
heat through open windows
on lazy, restless nights
bringing out the best
and the worst

The summer is a storm
just waiting to happening
breaking the silence of clear skies
falling against dusty concrete

The summer reminds me of youth
days spend in parks
pretending to be warriors
fighting the monsters
on the other side of the swings

We are always falling together
like the waves and shore
pulling apart
at every opportunity
but addicted to each other
in a way only we know
under the moonlight
waiting for a sunrise
on and on
we go

It's odd how much people change
old friends from childhood
feel like strangers
and you wonder
whatever happened to them

I have changed too
detached from myself in a way
it's almost uncomfortable
not feeling like me
like a dreamscape
it is almost somewhere safe