My mind is a graveyard
Full of dead dreams and memories
I wish I never had
Half engraved epitaphs
unable to finish my name
while yours are written in gold
italicized, bold and framed
so I won't ever forget
to put flowers on your grave
but the weeds are growing
and the paint is fading
my happy ever after
is now sleeping six feet under
I wish I didn't have to bury you
I wish I was buried there too

I know it's going to be okay
But please, please, please let me be upset and angry
Please do not tell me to calm down and put out the  fire inside of me
I will not stop, drop and roll because I want to get burned
Let me rage
For once let me scream at the world and blame it for everything
Let me vindicate myself this time because I'm tired of thinking
that it's all my fault
I want to be on the winning side. I want to be on my side
Let me be selfish and careless because I haven't done that in years
Let me yell and throw things
Let me explode
Because if I delay this explosion, there will be more casualties
Allow me to get hit by the shell fragments of my own anger
Let me get buried under the debris of my failures and regrets
Do not call the firemen
Don't put out my fire
Let me become ash and let me rise from it
Let me self-destruct so I can rebuild myself
I don't want to be rescued  
Do not save me
Please do not save me

I told Charles I wanted to write
He said you've got guts, kid. You're alright
But you're a dreamer; your head is on the clouds
Stop rushing; don't scream at the paper too loud


I told Charles I want to make a difference
He said, good luck kid, you're going to need it
Be careful not to choke on your own words
The pen is not always mightier than the sword


We stopped at 7th Street to get some coffee
There, we sat down and talked till three
He said he's tired of walking around with no destination
I said fine; let's just catch a train at the nearby station

On the way there, Charles told me about his old love
The woman whom he thought was sent from above
She's the muse, the only one he wrote poems for  
But sadly, she left and never returned the favor  


I asked him what happened next
He said she is now an 'X'
a sign of 'No' and a symbol of 'Never'
he laughed and said, 'I still have her sweater"

I told him it's been way too long
He had to let go and move on
He said you can't just go and forget
It's a gamble, a risk and a bad bet


He said this isn't about me, stop asking questions
I said I just want to know why your words are poisoned
He said, you wanted to write you have to have venom
you need darkness in your veins, your head in an asylum


This is no place for dreamers
This is where dreams go to die  
This is the land of sinners
This is where angels go to cry

I asked him, are you alright?
He said, Kid, I have to go, good night
Don't go, the train is not here yet, I begged
Kid, you care way too much, he said


He told me it's called being dumb  
I replied it's called being human
He laughed and said kid, it's been fun
I have to go now, I gotta run


The train is coming soon
I asked where are you going?  
He shook my hand and said
I'm going to the moon.

Next thing I knew, Charles was gone
I turned around, the damage is done
He flew like a bird without a care
To a place only God knows where

Before you **** yourself, can you do me a little favor?
If it’s not too much to ask, if you have a little time,
If you’re not in a hurry, Please listen to me
Don’t worry; I’m not here to guilt trip you
I know you’re pretty much decided
So please, let me stall you for a minute or two
You know, some people **** themselves right away
Some people wait for signs
Some people change their hairstyles, their clothes
To send a silent SOS to anyone who would notice
Because it’s not easy to ask for ‘Help’
When you know they’re just going to say
‘Get over it’, ‘don’t be so sad’, and “It’s going to be okay”
When you know they’re just saying that because they don’t know what else to say
I’m not here to do that either
I’m not here to tell you that your problems
Are meaningless compared to what kids in Africa are going through right now
I’m not here tell you stories of people with cancer fighting for their lives
When you just want to end yours
I am here to tell you that your problems are valid
Your struggles are real, your fight is real
You are real and you exist
You take up space

Before you **** yourself, I want you to know
That whatever you decide to do,
You’re not a coward in my eyes
But a soldier who simply didn’t want to fight
With all the warlords inside your head
And you’re the only one who desires peace
A cease fire  
You don’t want to fight
Because you know in the end
They will win and they will devour you
You are a prisoner of your own world war
And no one is ever coming to free your chains
No amount of happiness disguised as little pills in a bottle
No weeks of sessions with a doctor who don’t even look at you when you talk
No amount of inspirational posters or celebrity ******* that says ‘It will get better’
I know you think nothing will ever change the fact that you are losing  
But the thing is, it’s not a fact
Those are just your opinions
And as far as opinions go, they can be changed
They can change
Like the person who owns them

Before you **** yourself, I want you stop worrying about hell
It may or may not exist, depending on what you believe in
And if you believe that hell is for people who **** themselves
Then why bother going there, when you can have all the hell you want, right here, right now.
At least this hell has internet and pizza and ice cream.
That doesn’t sound appealing enough but
You get the point

Before you **** yourself, do you know how many people on your Facebook page
will ransack your wall and post things like: ‘I will miss you.”, ‘Rest In Peace”, “I wish we could’ve hanged out more”
and other lovely words that they didn’t bother to say to you while you’re still around
Do you really want strangers to put hearts and kisses on your wall when they have spent their entire lives ignoring you?
Do you want your Facebook page to be infested with people who wants to scream to the world how much they sort of grieve you but didn’t show
how much they love you?
Do you really want them to use your death to make them seem like they cared?
I say, do not give them that satisfaction.

Before you **** yourself have you ever considered how much a funeral costs?
Why, it’s the second multi-million business next to weddings!
Let’s say your coffin will cost your family 50,000 Php
Your wake and all the other things will cost about 80,000 Php
That’s a total 130,000 Php that you could’ve just spent travelling the country
And escaping your personal hell for a while rather than spending it on your death
Burying you to the ground or burning you to ashes
Corpses and ashes don’t get to surf the waves
Or feel the wind on their faces
Or feel that moment of accomplishment when they finally reach a mountain’s summit
Would you rather rot and get eaten by worms
Than soak your feet beneath the blue seas,
and watch the sun paint the sky, bursting into colors as it sets?


Before you **** yourself, I want you to imagine the 11-year-old you
Put them in your position and ask them
“What are you going to do?”
I know, it sounds ridiculous I mean, what’s a kid’s solution to a very adult problem?
But think about this, if that 11 year old survived through your current age right now,
Maybe you can survive for a few years more
Sometimes, adults tend to make things seems complicated when they’re not
Because adults are forced to think to just accept THIS reality
This reality built on taxes, corruption, politics and twisted definitions of responsibility stitched into every fiber of our adult skin
Adults are taught to ‘**** it up’ because we no longer have the excuse of youth
We are told to go with flow
To drown ourselves in status quo
Because it is proper;
Not because it’s right
It is not your fault you’re wired this way
But just because your wires are tangled and the knots are hard to undo
Does not mean you can’t

Before you **** yourself, I want you think about
The creation of the universe
I want you think about the Big Bang Theory
Or the Genesis chapter in the Bible
Or the theory that we came from Aliens
I don’t care which of these you believe in
They are just saying one thing:
It took time to create you  
Billions of atoms and neurons and electrons collided
To form you  
You are not some walking flesh and blood  
With no purpose
You’re here for something
For someone
Maybe not now
But someday
Someday, someone’s eyes will light up
Seeing you coming their way
Arms opening up, welcoming you to a warm embrace
Someone will smile because they thought of something funny
that you said and they wouldn’t care if people catch them smiling in public like some kind of nutcase
Someone will see your scars as proof of your survival
A tiger who earned its stripes

But only if you live to see it.
Only if you live to see it.

Before you **** yourself, I want you to know that there are people out there
Who genuinely care about you
of course it’s hard for you to see that
Because you don’t always see it when they show it
Probably because they show it too often
Sometimes caring is in the way a person says ‘hello’
Love is in the way they say ‘text me when you get home’
It’s when people say good night or have a nice day
It’s the little things that actually count
You just have to look out for them

Before you **** yourself, please try to realize that your problems are temporary
Do not give it a permanent solution
The world is a cycle, it revolves, and it changes.
Maybe not right away, maybe not this second when you need it the most to change
But give it time.
Give yourself some time,
But most of all, give yourself a chance.

Before you **** yourself,

don’t.


-L.C.

You told me to stay away because you’re a time bomb
just waiting for the right moment to explode
You said I wouldn’t be able to handle the mess,
couldn’t stand the shrapnel hitting my heart like bullets
I won’t survive and there will be nothing left of me
but broken pieces


But darling you forgot,
I’m a stick of dynamite already lit on both ends
I don’t need triggers
I have no control
and when I explode
I destroy it all

Patiently waiting as the day turns to rust
Your caged thoughts and tied ideas
Resting upon your shelf collecting dust
Filling your pocket with straight faced bias

Your tongue tied mouth speaks so clearly
As your cross-fingered hand made a vow
You sounded a lot like loyalty
You managed to act it out somehow


I stood beside you, not like the rest
You were above me, you are always the best
Unpredictable lies, now they don't matter
You cut the string now I'll pull the trigger

Undefined words and speechless talks
Muted screams and endless dead end roads
Shadows lurking above me I can see
How does it feel to be like me?

Malice filled judgments, manipulated cares
While the walls crumbled, you stood and stared
Time does not run on batteries, it dies and stops
You can't keep everything, not even your laughs


Scream it not, hush and shush my dear
They can smell the stench of fear
It will make you suffer till it is death you'd propose
Then, I'll worship the ground that awaits your corpse

in an attempt to fit a square
into a circle
she shed her skin
rearranged her face
into something you'd look at
she chose her words carefully
saying things you want to hear
she colored her hair white
but her soul remained
as black as the night

I put poison in one of these two glasses
But I can't remember which one
And with the way this dinner is going
I really hope it's mine

Drink up.

She knew she was different
right before they pointed out her
flaws, her imperfections
She knew she was not, in any way,
quite like the others
And she was proud of it
The moment she hatched
summer was at the tip of her tongue
She always knew her wings would grow
Before the flowers even begin to blossom
Before the sun rises in the east
She knew she would take the skies
command the winds of change
She grew up thinking her past is her future
and that she is as she was before:
A self-proclaimed history repeating itself
A monster hovering above the world
instilling terror into the hearts of men
But greater forces are at work
And life wasn't all that fair
She was beautiful and he was curious
She was a goddess and he was a child
With a wave of his innocent hand
He had her
In his hands rests the life and death of a queen
She could feel her wings
And her heart,
breaking
making crunchy noises as they crumble
She cries, he smiles
In her three hundred sixty degree perspective
she saw ****** written across his lips
And in that moment she knew
she wasn't what she thought she was
The first time she flew was also
the last time she touched the ground
Who knew
she'd be buried underneath it?

-L.C.

I want to be your favorite book
I want you to write on my pages
and underline the passages
you loved the most.
I want to be that song you listen to
when you’re angry
and just wanting to calm down.
I want to be that show you can’t stop watching and can’t stop talking about with your friends.
I want to be those long walks at the beach where you love watching 44 sunsets.
I want to be your favorite mixed drink
that you can’t get enough of.
I want to be the bad hangovers that you don’t regret having.
I want to be the pain that’s worth it.
I want to be your newly washed sheets that you bury your face in.
I want to be your crazy Friday nights
but also your lazy Sunday afternoons.
I want to be your favorite liar,
your favorite scar.
That one wound you wouldn’t want to heal.
I want to be that loud music
you always dance to.
I want to be the words that you mean to say when you say them.
I want to be your bitter coffee
in the mornings.
I want to be the one to wake you up
and make sure you’re ready to face life again.
I want to be your favorite love story that you keep telling yourself.
I want to be your cozy rainy days and lonely summer nights.
I want to be all the times you said yes to something you never tried before.
I want to be your nervous laughter, your crooked smile.
I want to be the corny puns you tell.
I want to be your favorite film.
I want to be that urge that’ll make you want to make a film or write a poem or skydive.
I want to be your guiding light and your comfortable darkness.
I want to be your hope,
your sorrows,
your bad dreams,
your goals,
your nightmares,
your fight,
your heartbreaks,
your hate,
your love,

the things that make you
and break you.

I want to make you so happy,
you’d forget you were ever sad.

I never say no to you
and you never say yes to me
Did I give up on you?
Did you give up on me?
Does it matter who gave up on who?

Both of us are just victims of our own jokes
Our hands on each other's throats
Gasping for air
Reviving the love that wasn't even there

I remember being ten again
where we can't wait for summer
It feels like the years just come and go
and we don't worry about tomorrow

But now as we age
we feel so caged
It's pathetic how we easily get so sad
About things that didn't even matter
a few years back

Things change as we grow old
Time is never ours to hold
The worst decision I've ever made
is being older than ten years old

Tonight the lights are on and the night is surprisingly warm
and despite the joy, the smiles
and the merriment
The thought of tomorrow still makes me cringe
Like how the Grinch hates Christmas
I hate how the season always reminds me of what's left, what's missing and what has changed
And how lonely it is to be a skeptic
when everyone else believes
how awful it is to know that all of us
are pretending
so no one will know how the dark clouds are consuming us
and no amount of presents or kisses or hugs
is ever going to fill that void
and despite the Christmas sweaters
we still feel cold
despite the smiles
we still feel like frauds
with our hearts
growing molds

We spent our last day together
laughing at cat videos on the internet
hoping that our laughter would silence
our silent screams
hoping that we'd both believe that we're crying
because we laughed so hard
and not because of the reason neither of us want to acknowledge

We spent our last day together
exchanging favorite books
both of us secretly hoping that the pages
would translate how we really feel about each other

We spent our last day together
playing a spirited game of scrabble
hoping that we get the right letters to perfectly spell
the words we have always wanted to say but couldn't

We spent our last day together
playing truth or dare
but we stopped midway because we both know
we're too honest and too daring
for such a childish game

We spent our last day together
sitting on a park bench
watching different people
guessing their life stories  
we both stared in wonder at the falling leaves of autumn
that seemed to signify an end of an era
the end of an ending

We spent our last day together
at that coffee shop where we first met
ordering the same coffee;
exactly like how we got into talking the first time
we laughed in awe of the deja vu we just experienced
leaving the barista confused and thinking we're crazy

We spent our last day together
back to that place you hate so much
You didn't want to end things there
and neither do I
but we promised we'd be back by six

We spent our last day together
listening to the clock tick by
and the machines hum
they sounded like some sick orchestra
I made a joke about it but you didn't laugh
instead you kept looking out the window
and you never looked at me since  


You spent our last day together
sleeping
and just like that
you never woke up


I spend our last day together
watching cat videos by myself without laughing
reading the book you gave me
over and over and over again
playing scrabble  and losing to myself
trying truth or dare but i just play dare
because I just couldn't handle the truth

I spend our last day together
watching people out in the park who  probably
don't give two ***** about my life story
I spend our last day together
always leaving the barista confused about why i keep coming back
ordering two cups of  the same kind of coffee
and then leaving the other one untouched when I leave

I spend our last day together
every single day
because i could never have
a last day with you
until the day
i sleep
and never wake up
just like you

You said sadness is just a phase and I tried to believe you  
But like all the words you gave me wrapped in flowers
Soon withered and died along with the words that once spoke true
You said that emptiness is just a phase
Like all the mundane things we did when we were young
I will forget how it feels like to be so hollow that I can feel the wind going through me
But see, I never forgot about the mundane things you and I did
In fact, they’re the ones I remember the most
And to this day, no matter how many sweaters I wear
I still feel so cold as if I just swallowed the iceberg that sank the Titanic
Along with the ship full of people awaiting their deaths
And Jack and Rose
You said that this is for the best  
And when I asked why, you said my questions are just a phase
And you changed the topic so fast as if I never brought it up
It’s been 678 days and I haven’t got the ‘because’ to that ‘why’
And I’m still living in this phases that should’ve been over by now according to Science
I still hear your voice saying ‘it’s just a phase’ and I’m still trying to believe you
I can’t stop believing in you because I don’t want to wake up one day
At 4am with a heavy heart, realizing the fact that
for you, I was just a phase too.

It's 2 in the morning and I'm still awake,
drinking alone, again.
It's not like I have the most interesting job to wake up to
I just deliver words to people's homes
and get chased by dogs every now and then  
wondering if they got bad news or not
and how they feel about it

At night, I deliver the words to myself
With the pen in my hand, staining the paper
crafting each word with stories of days that passed me by
Sitting in the dark writing while others are standing
out there in the cold harsh reality, living and breathing
expecting release
but never did much to achieve that freedom
aside from complaining about it every single day
I never did much either
Maybe I got so used at being a prisoner
That the idea of freedom seems more like a myth
than something we all deserve

After I finished my final bottle, the last of its kind
I walked out and went home, hoping I did my best to drown
my demons and my feelings
It's not until I reached my door that I realized they ******* know how to swim
and they do it so well I might as well let them

I decided I don't want to go home
It's hardly a home anyway
It's just a bunch of furniture crammed in a room
So I would feel less empty


With my pen and my paper I walked
my footsteps behind me echoing until they too,
became silent
I threw my keys into the ocean
and should anyone find it, I hope they won't be disappointed
of what they'd find behind the door it opens

I stood at the edge, trying to write a letter
addressed to no one in particular
I wanted to sum it all up in a few words
but I couldn't
I keep worrying about the people
who won't be receiving their letters
And who would deliver mine?


I ended up writing six pages worth of
words I don't even remember writing
All the letters I have inside my bag flew like pigeons on a good day
and I silently wished for the wind to bring them
all to the right addresses


as for my letter addressed to no one in particular
Some of them landed on a puddle
some of them landed on dog ****
As for me, I landed on the concrete
between 6th and 7th street

Maybe it was just me
over thinking
imagining things that should've
could've happened
if I wasn't such an avoider

Maybe it was just you
not being straight about anything
Like you expect me to read your mind
I wish I could

Then again, it is just me
because I am such a lowly coward
who can't even acknowledge
my own truth

It's me, it's my fault
I let you slide
I let you go
And you did
To my dismay, you did

I'm not exactly regretting it
nor am I sad about how it turned out
I just wish I did more
I wish I was a little braver like you

I wish I told you
I wish you knew
I wish I can tell it now
But it wouldn't change anything
not even your mind

“Dialing your number
already makes me nervous
Please
Don’t answer my call
Your hello will be the death
of me”
—

People say I was drawn to you

Like a moth to a flame

But I say

It was the other way around

You were drawn to me

Like a flame to a moth

Because you couldn't wait

to burn me to ashes

Maybe I'm just really tired, I don't know.
But the moment I laid eyes on the night sky tonight
made me realize that you are not the center of my galaxy.
There's a vast universe I have yet to see
and you're just a microscopic dust
in the heart of space and time.
It's weird how I've let you ruin my entire world
but see, I'm rebuilding
and pretty soon
I'll be a planet again
with my own moons orbiting me and everything.
I won't stay here floating in the abyss forever
waiting for chances that will not come.
This time, I'll be my own big bang.
This time, I'll be my own creation.
I am my own universe.

I have the heart of a believer and the mind of a skeptic
Some say it's a gift, I say it's tragic
I live in a universe of chaos inside my head
Who among us is truly at peace but the dead?

I cannot stop burning bridges
Watching them burn makes me feel safe
from you and me, ever crossing paths again

I cannot stop building walls
Putting them up so high
So you can't ever climb up
and I can't ever climb down

I cannot stop trying to destroy this love
But I can't ever succeed
unless you destroy yours

So in the end, we're both alone
and everything is fair

But nothing is fair in war and love
and one of us is sure to end up
with more than just a broken heart

I apologize for the both of us

you for forgetting so easily
and me for not letting things go

you for not listening to anything I don't say
and me for not saying anything


I'm sorry for trying to change you
and I'm sorry that I let you change me

I'm sorry for apologizing too much

We are living in an self-obsessed, self-serving nation
With citizens who only care about their own salvation
Is this what our heroes lost their lives for?
To see this nation crumble from wall to wall?
We have the freedom to choose but do we use it well?
We keep electing leaders who use lies to buy and sell

The system flawed founded on fallacy
They monopolize, advertise democracy
and yet our voices remain unheard
It's absurd, word for word
how we're lead by cheats and drug lords



I'm sick of seeing yellow people
wearing blindfolds on their eyes
reading yellow newspapers
believing yellow lies


Are you sure you're still thinking?
Maybe you're just one of them believing
the fairy tales they show us on TV
They profit from our own stupidity
conformity is what binds us to these chains
We have to recognize the fact that only one family reigns
We need to change lanes, start using our brains
and get rid of the ******* chains!


They're burning us slowly at the stake
Our lives they're prepared to take
This system was not built to defend us
but to rule us, brainwash and control us
So open your eyes and revolutionize
Assert your position, your freedom utilize!


Go forth and march at the gates
Fueled by fire, justice and rage
This generation should not take their ****
Stand against the norm and defy it  



I'm sick of seeing yellow people
wearing blindfolds on their eyes
reading yellow newspapers
believing yellow lies

They won't let you go, They'll keep you in line
Because you let them ******* in the mind
They won't let you go, They'll keep you in line
Unless you stand up and open your mind


They won't let you win, They'll keep trapped
Because you keep taking their crap
They won't let you go, They'll keep you in line
Unless you stand up and open your mind

It ***** to feel so left out things.
To be one to always say hello first.
To be the one to ask ‘hey how are you?’
and never get a reply.
To be the one who wants these bridges built
but you keep burning them down.

One day I’m going to get tired of saying hello
and asking ‘how are you?’
One day I’m not going to care at all
And if you ask why
You won’t get an answer
Because my mother taught me
not to talk to strangers

How do poets survive?
Others drink way too much alcohol
to drown their demons
while others write naked

others try to hide behind their words and metaphors
others just try not to put their heads inside their ovens
while some simply endure the pain
of writing the things they wish they could just tell

Me? I just drink a lot of coffee
and trying not to wake up at 4 AM
blocking the bitter realization
that all I ever did was write letters to you
and you will never write me back

Even though I feel like my heart is bursting,
Technically, it's not the one that's hurting
The heart does nothing but pump blood for the body to survive
It would be unfair to blame it for something it didn't do
but I do blame my Amygdala
for doing such a bad job in controlling these awful feelings I'm not supposed to feel
I blame my lips
for saying your name with the same amount of affection that you do not deserve
I blame my skin
for still feeling your breath spreading on its surface, setting it on fire
I blame my nose
for remembering how good you smell the first time you hugged me  
I blame my ears
for not forgetting how your voice sounded when you say my name
I blame my hippo-campus
for not forgetting the look on your face while you were saying goodbye
I blame my eyes
for the tears that you will never shed for me
I blame my lungs  
for inhaling even though I have no desire to breathe
I blame my pulse
for thinking that I'm still alive
I blame my myself
for everything because I let you ruin me  
I blame myself
for believing that you're still worth it
The worst part is
after all the **** I went through  
I still couldn't bring myself
to blame you

There was once a kite flyer
who flew his kites so high
He can hold on to his strings
and never get tired

He makes his kites by hand
He makes 'em colorful
He makes 'em grand

So one day, the kite maker flew his finest kites
In the hopes of showing everyone his amazing feats of flight
But because there were so many and the wind was strong
His strings tangled and the flight patterns got all wrong
one of the strings snapped and one of the kites flew
the wind took it and away it blew

One by one the strings broke
and all the kite flyer can do was to watch them float
away from him, the kites were set free
All his hard work, his dreams. his reality

The kite flyer looked up the sky
crying and regretting
There's nothing left of him
nothing but broken strings

We wonder, oh how we wonder.
But has anyone found the answer?
Has anyone tried?
No one ever did.
I guess everyone's tired.
Too tired to think
Too tired of losing
Losing a battle
Losing to bottles
We drown, oh how we drown.

There is no savior.

I feel I have lost something I didn't have in the first place
when you left,  I tried to catch  sun rays but all I have in my hands now are dust mites and remnants of our old arguments
my palms are full of words I wished I told you,
full of truths that I wish you knew
my mind is full of cobwebs and replays of old memories
that you should've taken with you
even the sun retires to slumber
the darkness is innate and it’s lying beside me now,
in the space where you used to sing me to sleep
staining our white sheets with a color darker than black
I can still hear your uninteresting stories about how your day went,
I can’t even remember any of your words,
i just know that I love listening to your voice
even when you’re not talking
I shivered at that thought, the cold reached my veins
and left my blood frozen, stagnant, dead.
I told my lungs to stop breathing in so deeply
because inhaling your scent won't bring back your warmth
I can feel my brain is about to shut down
slowly deleting all the traces of you like a computer virus
your absence is a disease
and it grew cancerous flowers in my heart
my body is refusing to live
because it knows it has lost
all reasons to exist

when I woke up this morning there was a hole in my chest

and  nothing hurts anymore

I guess we never really forget
Once your heart is touched
It leaves a mark there
whether it's a finger print of happy memories
or just bitter scars
Sometimes we find ourselves staring at nothing
And we remember
we remember that one moment and everything in it
and that mark hurts
because you can't forget
no one ever does
we just pretend we've moved on
so we can continue living
though it consumes our souls
every single day

You have no idea how many times I told myself that it’s not you. For years I have been pushing back these thoughts to the back of my head, locking them up and making sure they won’t ever, ever come back to haunt me. But they do, every single day because everything I see reminds me of how you look like and how you used to be. I used to hate strangers with the same haircuts as you. Most jokes and puns fail to amuse me now because I only find them funny when you’re the one telling them. I hated some words and refuse to use them whenever I write because you say them frequently. I’m afraid to sound like you. I am always scared of writing about how awful I feel because they’re mostly your fault. I used to hide behind my words, my metaphors and similes just so you won’t ever find out that all I ever wrote were letters to you that I never sent. Writing addresses as sloppily as I could and hoping whoever gets these letters also gets how I feel and sympathize with me. So far, no one ever replied. Like you, maybe they don’t care as much as I do. I’m always the one who cares the most. Always.

I feel even worse whenever you call me and I hear that extra breath you do after you say you missed me. For some reason, it tells me that you mean it. I never knew how to respond to that because I don’t know how to say I miss you more and it’s killing me every day. I sometimes wish you’d stop saying those words no matter how much I crave them because I never wanted to be that pathetic person who’s forever waiting on the other line, getting excited by every word you say. But I am. I wish you were a liar. I wish you’d stop calling me. I don’t want to hear your voice anymore but I don’t want to forget how you sound like when you say my name.

I don’t know if you noticed how I always put my arms in front of me whenever you want a hug as if I’m defending myself from you. The worst part is, you hug me anyway even though I never hug you back. I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t want to hug you back, believe me I do, very ******* much. You don’t know how much I regret not hugging you back. I’m just really terrified that I might not let you go. I don’t want to be a thief. I have enough reasons to be disappointed at myself already.  

Sometimes I feel like we’re galaxies apart.  You, a big blue star in the heart of the universe and I, a black hole, exterminating everything in my path on my way to you. Midway, I stopped and I realized that if I get closer to you, I might destroy you as all the other stars I passed by. So here I am, staying away from you as far as I can, watching you from afar so I won’t ever touch the masterpiece that you are even though that’s all I ever wanted to do ever since we met. I watch you shine from a distance as I starve myself from the warmth of your light. I remain in the darkness, quietly counting the light years between us.

Sometimes I feel like we’re galaxies apart.
You, a big blue star in the heart of the universe
and I, a black hole,
exterminating everything in my path on my way to you.
Midway, I stopped and I realized that if I get closer to you,
I might destroy you as all the other stars I passed by.
So here I am, staying away from you as far as I can,
watching you from afar so I won’t ever touch
the masterpiece that you are
even though that’s all I ever wanted to do
ever since we met.
I watch you shine from a distance
as I starve myself from the warmth of your light.
I remain in the darkness,
quietly counting the light years between us.

Here’s to twelve years
To all the regrets and fears
To all the cemetery drives
And the wars we've survived

To all the kids from yesterday
To all those who wait and pray
What’s the worst that I can say?
I can take it but I’m not okay

To all the early sunsets on Monroeville
To all the heartaches that we feel
To all the boys and girls who sing
Make a toast and kiss the ring

You may be gone but your shadow lives on
It’s hard but we all carry on
Together this army marches
Dust to dust and ashes to ashes

This world is ugly without you
But we’ll keep it beautiful and true
This parade shall go on for many summer years
Through bullets, danger days, weapons and Three cheers

This army shall march on without you
We won’t ever say adieu
Keep your gun close, don’t fall through
Look alive, sunshine
May death never stop you

You're only here because it's cold
and you've got ice in your veins
and the sun sets in your heart an hour early
You asked me to draw skull tattoos on your arm
So you'd appear tougher than you are
But those skulls are drawn in pen
They're temporary like your promises
And when you go home at night
the icebergs will go back the way they came
sink your ships and drown you in pain


No one is going to save you
because you drowned the lifeguard too

It was in the stillness of the night: cold, silent and deadly.

It was in the howling of distant dogs outside, calling out or crying for help

It was in the sadness of the stars, though they shine the brightest at night must find themselves lonely because they all seem so close, but they are light years away from one another

It was in the constant ringing sound in my head that seems to drown all the other voices that are encouraging me to do terrible things. I'll try to pretend I'm not listening.

It was in the cold harsh wind banging my window; expressing anger in every thundering thud.

It was in my old age wallpaper, begging to be replaced and finally rest inside the garbage cans of filth and ****.

It was in the flickering light of the lamp by my bedside, dying and living again instantly, only to die altogether once the bulb wears out.

It was in the uncomfortable fabric of my blue blanket, clinging to my body despite its obvious protest.

It was in the in the glass of water I left in the kitchen, was it half empty? Or half full? I didn't even bother to check.

It was in the ridiculous thoughts in my head, coming on to me at once until my head suffers in pain.

It was in the truth beneath the lies I tell, they refuse to go away.

It was in the air I breathe that I can now taste. Bitter. Sad.

It was in the universe, the higher power that everyone so faithfully feared and believed.

It was in the blood that runs through my veins, poisoning me, killing me silently.

It was in me.

It was me.

I'm too late for therapy.

I wish I wasn't
But I am

                      I wish you weren't
                      But you are

I wish we were
But we'll never be


                     It's not you
                     It's not me

I wish I'd stop wishing
for things that cannot be

You said I need to stop pretending like nothing hurts me
To which I replied, I was never an actor and I never pretend.
You sighed with that extra exhausted breath
And it sounded like you're giving up on me
Then I realized you’re about to  

You said I need to stop wearing my anger like an armor of steel ,
And my love like a wall of bricks
because the stronger the steel and the taller the walls,
the more people get hurt

I put fences and traps around my heart
so no one will ever touch it
Then I saw you desperately hide your bruises,
your raw scars and the evidence that you tried

The spaces between your fingers I cannot fill anymore
because my hands are nothing but angry fists I can’t unfurl
The story of us is nothing but an urban legend that refuses to die
Instead of the fairy tale with a happy ending that you wanted

I let myself become the villain for too long, I forgot to be your hero