I talked to a little girl today,
I have four cats,
She told me.
She was so excited.
It wasn't anything new,
But to her,
It was the best thing in the world,
No matter how old
Or new
The news is.

I talked to a little girl today.
"My mom's on a diet,
But she doesn't need to be."
She said.
"Why?"
I ask.
"She just should smile more,
That makes you healthier,
Right?"

I talked to a little girl today,
I showed her a young leaf.
She was so excited.
"It's a baby!"
She cried
In joy.
To her,
The world was so amazing.

I talked to a little girl today.
She taught me much more,
Than I ever taught her.
Maybe we should listen,
To sweet innocence,
Not yet hurt by the world.

Maybe then,
We would be in a better place.

Where I used to see bright white snow
And playful afternoons
I now see everything dying
And cold dark days

Where I used to see beautiful colors
And big joyful leaf piles
I now see more chores
And death surrounding me

Where I used to see bright happy days
And hours in the sun
I now see stressful times
And sunburns

Where I used to see new life
And hope all around
I now see the world being happy
While I sit here alone

Where I used to be happy
I now sit and cry

I cut
So slowly

You could say
That I am afraid
That could be true

But in my mind
As I dig my fingernail in
Slide the knife sideways
Or bite my cheek so hard

I think
You deserve this
This is your payment
This is what you get

And when I see the blood run

I think
There go your sorrows
There goes your guilt
There goes your fear

And I am purged

I got what I deserved
I should feel better
The bad emotions left
With my blood

Or at least that's the purpose

*So why does it never make me feel better?

My heart is like
The plate you broke
That was Grandmas favorite
And you lied to cover it up

You see,
Like shattered china
I'm sharp at the edges
And will cut anyone who tries to help me
Intentionally or not

And while once I was beautiful
I fell
And I'll never be the same
Once I was loved
Now I am just trash

And now that I have fallen
I'm full of lies and guilt
And a little anger
Should grandma ever find out

This is what my heart is

What was the
Scariest moment
In your life?

I remember mine
Vividly

It was late
I couldn't sleep
Thoughts ran through my head
Horrible thoughts
How I wanted to die
And why

I climbed out of bed
And crept down the hall

I slipped into the kitchen
And grabbed a knife

I remember,
I stood outside
For the longest time,
Blade against wrist

I felt the rain stream past me
As tears ran down my face

I knew this was no ordinary cut
I pushed the knife down harder
And said goodbye
But I couldn't do it
I collapsed to the ground
Shaking
Crying

Was I too weak?
Or was I just strong enough?

This was the
Scariest moment
Of my life
Because
It was then that I realized
The true enemy is
*Me

I'm not just 'fine'
I'm fine and.....

I'm fine
As in I'm alive
The 'and' is for everything else

I'm fine and...
Sad

Fine and...
Lonely

Fine and...
Scared

Fine and...
Worried

Fine and...
Stressed

Fine and...
Dying

As you can see,
That silent 'and' in
"I'm fine and..."
Is very important

Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But words will never hurt me

Yeah
That's true

Except;

Broken bones
Give pain that causes strength

And words will not just hurt me
They will be what kills me

It's all about
Your *interpretation

You have been through a lot
I know,
The world hurts

But I need you to hold on
I have never
Had a friend like you

So please,
Hold on

If you leave
I may follow suit

Please,
You are great

You are amazing

You are wonderful

Hold on

You have done
Some things
That you aren't proud of

But it is okay
Do not be tempted
Hold on

Please
Please
Please

*Hold on

The tide comes in
       The tide goes out
The sun goes up
       The sun goes down
The moon will wax
       The moon will wane
The life will live
        The life will die
The sad girl will be sad
        The sad girl will stay sad

Some things are just constant

I am not normal.
I do not smile
Because I am happy.
Rather I smile
So no one sees
My silent tears

What do you want?
You ask all these questions,
Like you actually care

But what do you want?
A confession?

Yes I self-harm
Yes I am sad
Yes I am anorexic
Yes I cry every night
Yes I want to die

No I am not okay

Is that what you wanted?
*I didn't think so

When your favorite time of day
     Is the time you are asleep
When your favorite time of week
     Is when you are alone
When your favorite place to be
     Is too drunk to remember

When you cannot get up
      To do the work you should
When you cannot make yourself
       Take care of your health
When you're too exhausted
       To even move

Why not sleep forever?
Why not lose yourself forever?
Why not forget forever?

Why not give up forever?
Why not heal yourself forever?
Why not rest forever?

When you ask yourself
Why not
Every
Day

Well...
      Why not?

There are two types of people in this world:

1) The happy ones
The ones who love life
Love living
Have joy
In their hearts

2) The gentle ones
Who let others go first
Are always content
Not really sad
But not happy either

3) The ones like me
Too sad
Too tired
Too alone
Worrying  too much
And too confused
By life
To even count

Just keep breathing
Just keep smiling

They'll never suspect

Just keep talking
Just keep laughing

They'll never know

Just keep crying
Just keep bleeding

They'll never see

Just keep hiding
Just keep hiding

No, stop falling

You can't let the suspect
You can't let them know
You can't let them see

*Oh no,
She's gone

There is a silent poem
Being written
Constantly

It's a story
A beautiful story
One of pain
Joy
Peace
Love
Beauty
And so much more

There are no words
None are needed

It's in every broken heart
And hopeless tear

It whispers from the trees
And through the gentle swish of grass

It resides in the twinkling stars
And bright silver moon

It's in every child's laugh
And every baby's cry

It runs in every drop of rain
And shines through every lightning strike

It has no words
But if you listen carefully
Maybe
Just maybe
You will hear the silent poem
Of the universe

Put on some lipstick
So you look like
You are smiling
And no ones sees
The sadness

Put on some mascara
So you look like
Your eyes are twinkling
With joy
And no one sees
The deadness in you

Put on some foundation
So you look like
Your skin is shining
And not
The grey of exhaustion

And finally,
Put a slice on your arm
To repay
Future mistakes
And to remember
You are real

I miss our talks
I miss your smile
Rare as it was
I miss your eyes
The way they were dark and beautiful
I miss your voice
I miss your laugh
I miss your tattoo-artist dreams
I miss your strong mind
I miss helping you with math
I miss everything
I miss one thing
*I miss you

My heart pumps
My lungs expand and contract
My veins move blood

I am alive

I am fast
I am strong
I am tall

I am athletic

I am lonely
I am sad
I am struggling

I am depressed

I am proud
I keep going
I never give up

I am strong

I am compassionate
I get panicked
I love to write

I am all of these things,
And many more,
But above all else,

**I am human

I'm very sorry
I must have
Read the dictionary wrong

You see,
I was under the impression that

Forever meant
For the rest of time
Never ending
The rest of my life and beyond

Truth meant
Not lying
Meaning what you say
Being straight with me

Sorry meant
You feel bad
An apology
That you didn't mean it

So I apologize
For the miscommunication
I must have been
Reading the dictionary wrong

It's too easy
To say those things
To hurt those feelings
To do those actions

It's too hard
To hear them talk
To not cry
To stay strong

It's too much
To keep going
To hold on
To not give in

It's too soon
But I'll say it:
*Goodbye

It's been six days
I've slept maybe six hours
Probably less

That's not enough
For one night
Let alone
One week

You see,
On the off chance
I escape my mind
From it's torrents
Of memories

It's not into
The world of dreams
It's into
The world of nightmares

So I stay awake

By choice or not
Sleep is a priviledge
I do not recieve

You should always be cautious,
For you are all stars,
And I'm a black hole.

You probably won't see me,
I blend in quite well.
In fact,
The only way to see me
Is the absence of light.

Always use caution,
Don't get too close,
I'll **** you right up,
And you'll
                    never
                            see
                                 light
                                      again.

You won't see me coming.
I fly off the radar.
But always use caution,
For I'm a black hole.

Make sure to keep your distance,
And I'll try to do the same.

As I stand and face my killer
I think back--
When life was good

When the only things that mattered
Were behaving like I should

As I stand and face my killer
I think back--
When things got hard

When the biggest thing that mattered
Were lost friends who left me scarred

As I stand and face my killer
I think back--
When everything got worse

When the hardest thing that happened
Was losing family to a hearse

As I stand and face my killer
I think forward--
When life improves

When the best things that could happen
Happen, my fears life soon removes

I stand and face my killer...
Then I turn the mirror around

Why don't you just give up?*
I ask myself daily

Why don't you
Let the tears flow
And not care who sees

Why do you
Have to be strong
Every minute
Of every day

You are still a child.
When did it stop being okay
For children to cry?

I'm done
Someone **** me

When everything fell apart
I said
"Goodbye for real this time"
And those simple words
Are slowly killing me

And those simple words
Will be my last words
Before I die

How... ironic

But I was gonna...
But I wanted to...
But I...
But...

You said you wouldn't leave!!

You know
You just know
It's that moment
The moment blade pierces skin
You know
You just know

Your whole body
It just knows
That's the moment
Yes,
The moment

Your hands start shaking
But for once
Just once
Your mind is clear

You know
You just know
That moment
The exact moment
That blade pierces skin
The moment
You were waiting for

*You just know

Please,
It's not your fault

Don't blame yourself
For my mistakes

I'm sorry if I hurt you
I'm sorry if I caused you guilt

It wasn't your fault
I gave you no warning

There was nothing
You could have done

I'm sorry for burdening you
I'm sorry for causing you pain

But it wasn't your fault
It was mine

1, 2, 3, 4
I can't do this anymore

5, 6, 7, 8
Little too little, little too late

9, 10, 11, 12
Into thoughts I'm forced to delve

13, 14, 15, 16
Invisible tears stay unseen

17, 18, 19, 20
Everyone laughs, this is quite funny

They're watching the counting girl
Start to
F
     a
            l
                  l

Guess there are no more numbers

I quietly watch you walk away,
Calling over your shoulder
  "I'll never leave you"

(But we both know you're never coming back)

"Are you okay?"

My breath quickens,
And my heart races
What can I do?
What should I say?

My mind runs in circles,
And my hands begin to shake.
Why is he asking?
Does he actually care?

My posture starts to shift,
And my eyes begin to dart.
How should I act?
Why did you ask?

Inside I start to scream,
I don't know,
I don't know,
I don't know!

Outside I calmly state,
"Yeah, I'm fine."

No,
You did not hurt me
Not physically

You did not draw
The blood

You did not make
The cuts

You did not
Hurt me
Not physically

All you did was
Hand me the knife
And give me a reason to use it

Anyone who thinks
You don't smile with your eyes
Has never had to fake joy

I am used to
Silence

Don't ever interrupt
Let adults speak first
Never speak of feelings

Really,
Simple silence is easier

It's what I'm used to

Muffle your screams
Keep your tears quiet
Hide your pain

You see,
Tortured silence is best

It's what I'm used to

So my question is
What made me
Break that silence?
To come here,
To pour my heart out
To strangers?

It's true,
Silence is what I'm used to
But now that I'm speaking,
It's so much better

I am sad
I see blues and purples
      Sometimes even reds
Sometimes the colors hurt
Sometimes they hurt a lot
Sometimes they hurt too much

So they gave me pills
Pretty little pills
To hide the blues and purples
        And sometimes reds
They say to find the yellows
And greens

I take the pretty little pills
And the blues and purples hide
But I've lost my yellows and greens
And all that's left

Is grey

You've got to be perfect,
Don't you see?

You must be mature
Act older than your age
Set an example
You're the oldest
Act like it

No you can't cry
Tears are for the weak
Oh you want to die?
Well do it on your own time
Don't waste mine
With silly tears

You must be perfect
It's not that hard
Just do everything right
Even if you can't breathe
And don't know if you'll survive

You have to be pretty
Who wants a girl
Who is ugly?

You need to work hard
It's like you don't even try

Just be perfect
That's all I ask

I want to be perfect
I really do try
I try to do as you say
But I'm just not perfect
I'm not
I just can't

*I'm sorry

I'm stuck in between
Used to be
And could have been

Between
Falling
And splatting

Between
Numb
And agony

Between
Deep
And deeper

Between
Sad
And gone

I'm stuck in between
(More commonly known as the present)