I want to capture your beauty,
In a jar.
And hold it close to me,
Every night.

If I ruled the world, I would be,
Not a benevolent leader, nor,
Would I be a tyrannical leader.

I would be something much unexpected and, hopefully, humble.

You see, I would be a quilt maker. Not of fabric and thread, though.
I would stitch the different cultures together, leaving each individual one unique, yet united by a common thread.

I would sit with my diplomatic needle and peaceful stitching and lead those whom hold contempt for one another see the other's perspective.

I would show them that,
The world isn't in black and white,
It's in full, high-definition color.
So let's celebrate unity,
Equality,
Individuality,
And uniqueness.

Because in the final chapter,
We all already rule the world.
It's up to us to thread ourselves to each other,
Or pull ourselves apart by the seams.

My sister, my sister! How I love you so!
A beautiful woman, with a vibrant soul!
Worth a thousand words, and ten thousand more!
My sister, my sister! How I love you so!

You've given me hope and inspired me,
Gave me confidence to come out of my shell,
Show the world the ugly side of me,
Gave me comfort in knowing you didn't judge me.

I get sad when you're sad, and I hug you when I can,
I want what's best for you, for you to be happy.
You're my adoptive big sister, so here's a happy birthday!
From you're adoptive young brother, Jack Jenkins!

<3

My mind is a maze
Mirrored walls
Sloped floors
I can't find my way out of it

Like a circus freak show
My mind freaks me out
Terrorizing me in the night
Invading my resting dreams

But in these times I'm lost
Although I'm scared and alone
There is peace in these halls
Of my mazed mirrored mind

Being held in your embrace,
Your head against my chest.
How could you wonder why,
I love this so so much?

It's gentle security against the:
Mind that claws itself every day,
People sparring against our hope,
Tumultuous times this life gives.

An act of love, of friendship,
Compassion and closeness.
You are my companion,
A joy unrivalled in my life.

Everything said here,
Is captured in a perfect act:
Our arms wrapping around,
Bodies pressed together.

Your hugs. My hugs.

You told me you
              Couldn't find your way
                                     In your darkest nights
So I left you a star
               A star in every poem
                               To find your way home

I think of how good you're going to taste
feeling your heat reach my lips
waiting for you
to stir you up
get you really ******* hot
waiting to fill you all the way to the brim
just add a little cream
to the sugar already in you
& when your fluids hit my mouth
slide down my throat
I know I'm awake and alive
with my morning coffee

lay in impassioned throes,
bodies pressed with one another,
tracing sins with our fingers
on each other's creamy skin.

i want your taste to linger in
my mouth just a little longer.
to hold the fullness of your *******
in the palms of my hands.

to lay together in sweat and
ecstasy, full of pleasure.

They called her an attention ***** for the last time
As she put the gun to her stomach and pulled the trigger.

The fat girl
The bipolar girl
The depressed girl
The nymphomaniac
The airhead blonde
The discarded cheerleader
The broken hearted

The girl who cuts
The girl who cries
The girl who has a eating disorder
The girl who can't help herself
The girl who is always alone
The girl who gets yelled at
The girl who always gets *****

She just wanted love
But this is all she has

She has a cheating boyfriend
She has a horrible father
She has an abusive mother
She has a shattered heart
She has a numb mind
She has a lost hope
She has a sharp knife
She has a loaded gun

I'm sure they just wanted attention. I'm sure they were perfectly fine.
I'm sure they didn't need the helping hand. I'm sure they're just overreacting.

I'm sure she's dead. I'm sure you don't really care.

"Hey, how are you you doing?"

"I'm doing okay..."

I'm okay because I cannot describe all the different ways I'm feeling apathetic.
And I give you that smile that hides all the hairline fractures in my heart.

Every wonderful longing is swallowed alive,
I'm transcending my emotional capacity to live and love.
All my cheer is shallow and without substance,
Naught more than a cooked marshmallow:
Sweet and crisp without any nourishment.

My wretched self allows me to suffer thus.
Isolated when never alone,
Alone when in true love,
Irreversibly broken,
Choking on my frozen dust.

You clipped her wings so she would fall,
but she learned to fly without your voice
to soar into the atmosphere.

You were her morning and evening star,
the guiding lighthouse on the shore;
you were her adoration.

You didn't understand that she truly loved you,
how much of her heart she gave to you that you
trampled on and discarded for your own pleasure.

Now she's going to fly
grow
love
be free
while you're still in your chains
of heart games and misleading.

In short, she's always going to
**be better
than you...

It's easy to say I love you when you are face to face.
It's easy to say I love you when you are inside someone.
It's easy to say I love you when they are caring for you.
It's easy to say I love you when the butterflies are in your
stomach and every waking moment is consumed with one another.

But it's not easy to say I love you when they want nothing to do with you.
It's not easy to say I love you when you know they don't love you.
It's not easy to say I love you when it's been a consistent battle to
remain friends.
It's not easy to say I love you when you always choose guys who
make you feel less than you are.
It's not easy to say I love you when I have been waiting four years for
you to feel anything for me.
And it certainly is not easy to say I love you when there is an ocean
separating the two of us.

I don't love you because I need you, I need you because I love you.
Love is not a feeling, or an emotional connection, or an opportunity not to be alone.
Love is dedication, a choice to knit your heart and soul to another because
nobody else can compare to the joy, peace, affection, and trustworthiness that you have.

So I love you. I love you. I love you.
You may never read this, but it's the deepest part of my love for you.

It cannot be described
only imbibed
through many sorrows
and sorries
until the pain
recedes to numbness
your compass
points to death
& you see the peace it brings
the silence
the darkness
you make your mind up
maybe not today
or tomorrow
but you know
you're going to die by your own hand
& you feel
just a brief
fleeting
happiness

...

that's the sound of suicide

how can such a beautiful person
                                               torment themselves so much?
how can love pour out for others
                                               and hate be given to yourself?

I believed I was immune, invincible;
  to the scorching heat of your surface.
  That I wouldn't be burned up or
  consumed by the fires you stoke.

I was not strong enough to endure
  and turned to crystallized glass
  and fell into your atmosphere,
  shattering into sparkles of dust.

I fell apart in your atmosphere,
  shattered like a comet across
  the scorched plains of your
  heart and soul.

& in the darkness of your being
  I look up to your skies and I
  see your Aurora Borealis &
  I know everything is okay...

Love is rarely ever found, (I found you)
Instead,
Love is built. (We've built so much)
Built with a solid foundation,
Built with a design in mind,
Built with strong materials,
Love is built with hard work. (Sweat and sacrifice)
with willingness to sacrifice,
to be hurt.
Upholding one another
at our worsts. (Our hearts are strong enough)

Love isn't taken, but grown, (We've grown together)
Starting as a seed.
Nurtured in the rains
and sunlight
of life.
Roots strong enough not
to be uprooted by fiends. (I'll never leave you)
Delicate and tenderly, slow and steady.
Flourishing branches (We have flourished)
upholding the weight of grown love. (We've grown together)

I don't think most people understand depression
                                                    ­                         suicide
                                                         ­                           PTSD
or the cycles that they come in as if they were tides.

People don't see past the smiles and laughter to the darkness within;
That you could be surrounded by love and feel okay
                                                            ­                            yet still be dead

That no matter how much comfort or peace you have it still gnaws away in the beck of your mind and chews a hole in your heart.

Cut wrists and suicide attempts aren't a cry for attention but for help;
does anybody out there hear me? see me? feel the way I feel? does anybody get that I am on the edge and losing it? why does nobody listen? why don't they take me serious? am I worth anything?

It disgusts me we execute the wounded and condemn their suffering;
Maybe they shouldn't feel the way they feel, but it's how they feel, so quit trying to tell them to stop feeling that way!
QUIT TRYING TO FIX THEM

Just be there... they need to know they aren't alone.

So it seems donuts are the order today
I'll lay them out like a buffet
You can gorge and feast
Like you're a donut beast
But I'm telling you, you forgot to pay

Apple pie is a wonderful treat, one of my favorite desserts.
With a warm, flaky crust, a scoop to make it à la mode,
Sweet with a spoonful of whipped cream.

But the pie by itself, doesn't make it my favorite treat.
It's where it takes my mind whenever I see it,
Smell it,
Taste it...

It was not your beauty that smote my heart, though you are beautiful.
It was not your illustrious eyes withholding a gorgeous soul.
It was not your delicate face that fills mirrors with joy when they reflect it.
All theses are parts of your magnificent, appealing body.
It was not your charm that smote my heart, though you are charming also.
It was not your gracious kindness and loving hugs as I cried into my pillow, broken by life's wicked games.
It was not your adorable bubblyness that cheered my spirits everyday.
All these are great parts of your stunning character.

It was you, only you, that stormed the keep of my frail and dying heart.
Seeing me as I was - broken like glass on a marbled floor - you gathered the shards and mended them with your own.

I sometimes wonder if there's something that reminds you of me, the way this apple pie reminds me of you.

Does a smile cross your beautiful face when I first say hello to you?
Do you stay awake tossing and turning because I won't leave your head or your heart?
Does your stomach tingle when we're separated from each other's company?
Did you cry alone at night when you and I thought we would never speak to each other again?

Do you love me?
Do you know I love you?

These are my thoughts, my questions,
After a slice of,
Apple pie.

Am I the only one not understanding it?
Some poems have no likes or views
Some poems have a preview, others don't
Some poems are brand new
Some poems are two days old
There's a temperature gage that doesn't make sense
And sometimes there's a poem that disappears off it

*I'm flabbergasted...

I know nothing of writing or the art of poetry. I just break myself in my hands and let my heart trickle through the cracks and onto the page.

Lord, the darkness has receded away,
Here You have always been, never leaving.
You have pressed against my soul, it withered.
Your Spirit tells me there was purpose to me breaking;

So if my brokenness brings You glory, then use my brokenness.

Obviously we got disconnected
Because I don't see you around anymore.
Too busy hitting a bottle or partying.

Obviously we got disconnected
Because you went after the woman I love
When you knew I loved her.

Obviously we got disconnected
Because you get lost playing video games
With your friends that you forget I exist.

Obviously we got disconnected
Because I'm running very low on friends
And I don't want to be disconnected...

What is there to write
when the heart knows neither love nor heartbreak?

You're feeling every brick
of your house falling down
each thud you shudder and
shake because you're scared
of all the elements you're
going to be exposed to now
that everything is collapsed.

Hold onto what you believe
you're not a bad person at all
I promise you're going to live
I promise I'm here to hold you
up through this hardship you
are going through. Embrace
the challenge and overcome.

**I believe in you.

You never knew why I loved you & I would always give a cliche answer about how only you can be you

That's true

But also loving you I found out that loving myself wasn't too bad
That loving you made loving myself worth it

When I had that shotgun in my lap I had all my trauma right on the surface
Things I couldn't change, or maybe I could
I don't know

I couldn't stop my dad from seeing prostitutes just like I couldn't stop my mom from hitting him for four hours

I couldn't stop my friends from killing themselves, except maybe for her
Everyone says it's not my fault
But
If I was the only thing she was living for
Why is she dead?

These are the thoughts in my head just like the last time I spoke to you
Here I am with the same thoughts once again
But with no shotgun
And no you

Because the thing I didn't want you to hear
The thing I didn't want to face
Was that I was dying loving you
Because you didn't love me
So I wasn't worth loving myself
I was better off dead

So I write to the memory I have of you
Again
To tell you I'm so sorry
I made our friendship the guardrail against the cliff of my despair
It was unfair to you
Two years and a hollowed out heart has changed me
Changed my thoughts about you & I
I still love you
Even when you never loved me
I pray you are free
I hope you're in love
And maybe you think of me
Our memories
Its all okay
I'm okay

Noun, verb, adjective
Pronoun, proper noun
Determiner, exclamation
Interjection
It can do it all
Tastes like vitriol
High on the anger
     (or high on the pleasure)
Sharp as a broken stone
Fits the bill on any occasion
Censored, painted over, blotted out
Doesn't matter to me
I love the word "****"

Quiet breathing overshadowed by a pounding heart
leaves my ears deafened and I slowly fall apart

Weakened with extra haste to die and find peace
clay ankles weren't meant to hold a heart of stone

A heart selfless at one time but given too freely
to the wolves that desire only the flesh

Now I sit with loneliness and reminisce
about the lovers that were eventually a lie

Now I sit with loneliness and confess
there is no more heart for me to give

Silence in my ears
Ashes in my mouth
Hope has flown away
I stare at plaster walls

Misfit, misshapen, misplaced
Not fitting in anywhere
I'm a pariah, a loner, a coyote
Stalking the fringes of society
Never seen, never heard, never felt
Only dreamed, and imagined, and feared

If only I had a place to be
A person to see
Maybe
Maybe
I'll see brighter days ahead
And love like a dove

I am alone because I am unique
I am myself, alone, nobody else
A drop in an ocean of faces
Yet an ocean in a world of drops
Always okay, always broken
Never whole, never fractured
A contradiction of opposites
A unity of abnormality