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Jack Jenkins Apr 2017
I'm still hurting
still devastated
that I lost you
all of you
because I was worried
to see how you were
I wish I never sent that text
how I miss you so much
the worst is
i worry that you
already moved on
already forgot me
that you don't feel
the same as I do
marking every day
since I lost you

Do you miss me?
Do you cry for me?
Do you wake up &
wish for my body
slumbering next
to yours?
Have you moved past?
Have you got a new lover?
Have you found
someone lovely
someone better
than me?

**** i miss you
I guess I love too much and dive too deep. Sorry for all the insecurities in this poem.
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
three years,
some days I no longer count,
but you were the second woman I loved;
the first to love me back,
& the first to break my heart...
...
Darling, wherever you are I hope you're happy and free
'Cuz I'm still right where you left me...
//on my ex girlfriend//

First of two 3 year anniversaries for me in the coming months. **** 2017.
Jack Jenkins May 2017
i guess you're not coming back
whether by your choice or
circumstances you can't change
i don't know.
i know i miss you
& it doesn't matter how many
**** poems i write
you never leave my heart
the hurt is still lingering
like a wine after emptying the glass.

i just want you back
you're on my mind everyday
i don't think i realized how
much i was in love with you.
i promise you weren't taken for granted
but nothing could prepare me
for losing you.
it was random, right out
of left field, no warning.
& i have to keep telling myself
to go another day
without you
in my life
& that
hurts
****
Jack Jenkins May 2017
I wish you were still here,
but I'm kinda glad you're not,
you'd see the miserable excuse,
of a man I have become.

I love you so much,
I wish our hands were,
intertwined tightly,
your head on my chest.

I miss you, y'know?
You had all of my heart,
all of me, period you had,
it hurt like hell when you left.

You probably had to leave,
couldn't keep me in your life,
with all the family drama,
but I understand.

If you could have kept me you,
would have kept me,
but it doesn't stop the pain
of you not being here with me.

I miss you, y'know?
I love you.
I think Johnny Cash and I know a thing or two about everyone we know leaving us in the end...
Jack Jenkins Jul 2017
I can't help but think of you often
You're the chandelier to my mind
I find you in the quiet moments
Between each breath of my lungs

I hold on to you always
But you shouldn't see
The broken man I now am
The bitterness I contain

Yesterday I finally opened a box
The box you occupy in my mind
And I looked at your picture for the first time
You're always more beautiful then I can express

Taking a few moments away
Remembering you... us...
It took the sting out of life for a second
You are always my best friend...
I miss you so much.
Jack Jenkins Aug 2017
I need to accept that you're gone,
not coming back into my life;
to accept the reality that
you were another casualty
I couldn't prevent
couldn't stop...

I can't stop counting the days,
not the weeks or months, but days
that have passed without so much
as a whisper from your heart;
I can't stop breathing your aroma,
the memories that stab my dreams...

I hope & pray you are happy
found somebody who loves you
a fraction as much as I did;
I hope your family is okay
that there was forgiveness &
mending in the days since...
I hope you're okay

I love you always...
I can't bear to see how long it has been, though I continually count the days...
300
Jack Jenkins Apr 2016
300
Spartan shield wall, impenetrable & fortified
Persian soldiers, dying by the thousand
Spears pointed outward, catching flesh & blood
Persian soldiers, dying by the thousand

Sun blotted out by Persian arrows
Persian archers, killing them all
Spartan soldiers, fight to the last
Persian archers, killing them all

Spartans all fallen, not one left alive
Persian soldiers turn back home
Spartans left immortalized, final stand
Persian soldiers turn back home

Spartans, three hundred strong
Spartans, still standing tall
//On history//
This was my 300th poem, posted at the end of February 2016.
Jack Jenkins Oct 2017
It's hard to say goodbye when you were taken from me;
I swore I was done writing about you when I accepted
                         that you were gone from my life like a feather.
Somehow I still remember how long it's been.

I've moved on, but there's still a sorrow I feel when I remember you;
I guess that's what happens when there's a scar left behind
                              from the wound that I could not prepare for.
Somehow I still remember how long it's been.

I've moved on but I haven't healed completely;
If I healed then I would be able to see your picture
       or read the words you wrote out in a time that was happy.
Somehow I still remember how long it's been...
//On ex girlfriend//

It's hard to not hurt, even over a relationship that ended a long time ago, when it feels like that person was robbed from you. Never got to have any closure. :/
Jack Jenkins Jan 2018
One day at a time
Rain, Sun, falling leaves, frost
They have come and gone
Like love when it resided in this heart
Before suffocating
Bludgeoned by those
Who needed it most
I once loved you
Like I once loved life
But with both
Only shards and embers remain
Lost in every teardrop
One day at a time
//On ex girlfriend//
Jack Jenkins Apr 2019
a year
in its entirety
since my heart
turned to glass
burned
like a silver comet
plummeting
to drown in the sea
sunk to the depths
lost
as if it were a message
placed in a bottle
it's gone
just a shadow of what was
a single vein
a string
nothing more
just numbered days
that i should have let go of
a long time ago...
//On ex girlfriend//
I found this buried in my drafts from over a year ago. Figured might as well post it even though it is old.
Jack Jenkins Sep 2018
I promised to quit counting the days
Yet you've filled my mind this morning

I just wanted to say I'm sorry
I hurt you and never meant to
Your life got thrown into chaos
I never accepted responsibility
For the part I played in it

You meant a lot to me
I hope you cared about me too
Please don't hate me
But if you do, I do too
I can bear it

You'll never read this, Taylor
or the other ones I've written for you
but
I just wanted to say I'm sorry
This wasn't how it was supposed to go
//On love//
Jack Jenkins Sep 2018
i finally found you
                                 and you're happy with him
//On ex girlfriend//
Jack Jenkins Dec 2016
Trying to follow
My faith dearest as I
Pray on my knees for God
To please hear me
But my heart is so distant from Him
From all my falls and sins I
Struggle along this narrow broken road

What sorrows befall me as I weep
Alone as I pray down here
Help me o Lord, help me o Lord
My faith is wretchedly thinning
I see Your Cross placed in my heart
Your promises never fail
The hardest walk for me, Abba
Is believing You love me, still
Written 17 February 2016... sin...
Jack Jenkins Aug 2017
It's been a year since you
took your own life away
& left a note for me
telling me that you're
sorry that you broke

I wish you would have called
tried to talk to me before
you took the pills
but we were complicated
another friendship too far

I'm sorry you fell for me
when my heart was for
somebody else
who ended up killing me
yet you're the one who died

Your gravestone rips me in two
& the ****** up thing really is
if you had stuck around a few
more months then maybe
we'd have had happily ever after
It's been a year since my friend took her life, in part because she had feelings and I didn't... she had nobody and I feel like I let her down... she was the first friend to **** herself, but there's been four or five more in the year since... ****...
Jack Jenkins Nov 2018
We met
We grew
We loved
We stalled
We fell apart
We're alone

At least I am
I hope you're not
I hope you're happy
Because I missed you happy
I hope you're in love
Real love for a change
I hope you're not stuck
Because you deserve the best

Hungover was the only way
To wake up this morning
Because **** I miss you
Everyday
And I wonder if I cross your mind
I think I do
But are they happy memories
Or just a mistake you don't want to think about?

So for the millionth time
I'm sorry
I know the wind won't carry it across an ocean
But I'm sorry
Pour one out for us
The memory of what we were
Tomorrow I'll be okay
But today you're on my mind
//On her//
Jack Jenkins Jun 2019
a sigh will suffice
despite the noise i wish to say
heaviness holds the words down
so silent memories will have to do
//On ex girlfriend//
Some days I still have to count the days
Jack Jenkins Nov 2016
I'm sorry I couldn't get to you
I'm sorry you had to take your own life
I'm sorry I didn't love you more
I'm sorry you felt you couldn't carry on
I'm sorry I didn't notice
I'm sorry you fell for me
Yeah just found out today a friend of mine killed herself.
Jack Jenkins Dec 2016
I stand in the field, like an old man who remembers his childhood fondly,
Squinting against the sun, breathing solemnly as bees buzz around me, inconvenienced at my presence.

Hunching my shoulders against the heat, yes the heat, I look down on the ground, seeing the bike left here so many years ago.
Like my love for you, I abandoned. Left on the ground, overgrown and eroded away. How I loved to whisk away on this two wheeled thing... how I loved carrying you through the threshold and into the bedroom.

You were my everything, at one point.
My rock and shelter, my love, my life.

But somehow we simply fell out of love, stagnated, and withered away, unnoticed to our numbed sensitivity to each other. Cast to the ground and left there, like my bike I stand and stare at right now...

They say you can never forget how to ride a bicycle.
I know I won't forget you, my love.
Written 29 March 2016
Jack Jenkins Jun 2018
Drink the pain that is sweet to the heart;
Ease the ache of what was lost,
With sharp words;
Enjoy the tears down my cheeks,
When I recall with fondness,
The feeling of your heart
&
Mine
Great happiness and pain came together when it came to me and her. A perfect storm of lace and lashes and I loved it and hated it.
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
the memory of my melody
a reminder of lost things
haunted by the years
//On my muse//
Jack Jenkins Jul 2018
Missing you
Two words burned in my eyes
It's true
Missing you
Two hearts broken apart
It's true
Missing you
I felt the hurt
You did too
It was all wrong
What did we do?
Missing you
Cut apart
Thinking of us how it fell apart
Why did we do it?
I pushed away
You pushed away
I felt taken for granted
You didn't want to lose me
We lost each other
Are we better off
Not together?
Yes.
But I'm still missing you
//On her//
Jack Jenkins Dec 2016
Deep in me, there's this cardboard box,
It's all closed up, put away in a corner,
And I'm afraid to open it up, show it to you,
Because I put my heart in it, sealed it tightly.

I want you to have it, but you can't yet.
Its a fragile thing, yours is too,
I wouldn't want it to be dropped,
Shattered away. It's already cracked up.

My heart is too big for the box,
Bulging at the top, held down by tape.
But it's starting to bleed through,
I'm worried you'll start to see it.
Written 29 March 2016
Jack Jenkins Feb 2020
I'm letting go of the person I knew
Of you
Of myself
The hurt never lead to freedom
But the key
Was always there
//On her//
Jack Jenkins Nov 2016
This is the truth I forgot
And the lie that I bought
Exchanging my life for a broken path
And getting hurt in the aftermath
Leads me down a road of wrath.

I'm better than this, for sure
Even I'm a little bit impure
Hoping to be secured
Knowing I'm ensured
Of a life eternal
Worth a million broken hearts.
Written January 15 2016
Jack Jenkins Dec 2016
Is it really that bad to sacrifice love for love out of love for the one you love so they can love without you hurting them?
Written 11 February 2016
Jack Jenkins Feb 2020
I spend this evening counting bumps in my popcorn ceiling

1,2,3,4,5,6,7

Heart is gnawing at my mind

8,9,10,11,12

Old washed out feelings

13,14,15,16

No words just

17,18,19

Memories

.......

when did i start crying?
//On loneliness, her, recovery//

Stifling the pain isn't a replacement for letting it go. Breathe, you're going to be okay...
Jack Jenkins Sep 2016
Withering weather clouds all of my minds
   of whispering willows and all of my time.
Someone help me of this pain begone
   or forgotten me is forgone already.
Jack Jenkins Dec 2016
Always a ray of sunshine to people
Loving to your heart's maximum capacity
Interesting and creative poems
Amazing inspiration for living life

Alia, you're bubbly as champagne
Like you've never let anything get you down
In all honesty, you're the cheeriest person ever
And you make everyone's day so much better
Written 20 February 2016 as a tribute to my friend Alia. In acrostic format.
Jack Jenkins Oct 2019
All signs point to depression, and side effects of depression may include talking to those skeletons in your closet at 4am when you dream about her. Again.

Talking to ghosts isn't scary or bad, mostly it's just sad, because she's still alive and you act like she's dead. She's not dead. she's just not in your life anymore.

It's been two and a half years since we last talked, and I'm sure I can reach out or find a friend of a friend who maybe knows where you are.

But I won't.

Because the same reasons that drove you away, drive me to stay where I have been for the last three years.

I have grown up, but I have not moved on, I'm just loftier and believe that I can die happy because maybe I changed a half-dozen lives for the better. But I can't prove that.

I'm not suicidal, but I still keep that shotgun barrel at the back of my mouth just to keep myself hostage to the past. To the memories.

So I stay away.

Because I'm stuck.

My mind likes to divide instead of multiply, then compartmentalize all the things I want to say. But Rationalization clears it's throat and speaks in a somber way.

"You died that day you threw your love away. Your words do not matter, anymore."

I check the time; it's 4am. Here we go again.
//On her//
Jack Jenkins Dec 2016
The pupils of eyes, gateway to the soul
A scorpion, venomous and painful
Crows and ravens, ominous
Black Pearls, rare and priceless
Caves, deep and winding
Igneous rocks, sharp, cutting
The emptiness of space, vast
Spider, waiting and weaving
The shadows of your mind, dark
Blackness of your soul, swallowing
Written 22 February 2016
Jack Jenkins Dec 2016
Grassy plains, wide and vast
Four leaf clovers, lucky catch
Jungles, deep and mysterious
Pine trees, tall and serious
Leaves, of spring and summer
Emeralds, from the earth's flesh
A woman's startling eyes!
Fields of lettuce, harvested
Lily pads, hovering on water
Glistening hummingbirds, sweet nectar
Written 20 February 2016
Jack Jenkins Dec 2016
Roses, sweet and beautiful
Tight dresses, **** and attractive
Blood, darkly enchanting
Sunsets and sunrises, glorious
Lobsters, steamed and buttered
Feathers of a cardinal, bright
Ladybugs, cute and adorable
Mars, mysterious and desolate
Wine, fragrant and romantic
Gingers, the hottest hair color
Written 20 February 2016
Jack Jenkins Aug 2017
I don't have anybody
                    and I understand I never
really had anybody
Jack Jenkins Dec 2016
Just a bit lonesome, tonight.
Wanting a little company, maybe.
Written 31 January 2016... what was I thinking with this poem?
Jack Jenkins Apr 2016
It's easy to say I love you when you are face to face.
It's easy to say I love you when you are inside someone.
It's easy to say I love you when they are caring for you.
It's easy to say I love you when the butterflies are in your
stomach and every waking moment is consumed with one another.

But it's not easy to say I love you when they want nothing to do with you.
It's not easy to say I love you when you know they don't love you.
It's not easy to say I love you when it's been a consistent battle to
remain friends.
It's not easy to say I love you when you always choose guys who
make you feel less than you are.
It's not easy to say I love you when I have been waiting four years for
you to feel anything for me.
And it certainly is not easy to say I love you when there is an ocean
separating the two of us.

I don't love you because I need you, I need you because I love you.
Love is not a feeling, or an emotional connection, or an opportunity not to be alone.
Love is dedication, a choice to knit your heart and soul to another because
nobody else can compare to the joy, peace, affection, and trustworthiness that you have.

So I love you. I love you. I love you.
You may never read this, but it's the deepest part of my love for you.
//On her//
This was my first ever poem, written in December of 2015.
Jack Jenkins Dec 2016
So this is what it feels like.
It's been so long that I'd forgotten.
Like a thirsty man in the desert
Or a starving man with a steak
Or a sinner remembering grace.

I have travelled the roads of it
Through the highest mountains
Through the lowest plains
Through the deepest caves
Over the widest rivers
Beyond the largest ocean.

It meets me in the morning like the dew on the grass or mist from a waterfall.
And stays with me until after sunset, like a kiss goodnight or the chirping of the crickets.

Even my dreams and daydreams cannot withhold what I'm containing within.
Surely it will spill out and shine brighter than a thousand noontime suns.

I'm in love again.
Written 21 January 2016... I ******* that one up.
Jack Jenkins Dec 2016
Can't carry a cross
Through sin's frosts
In this frozen hell
Under a crystal spell
Trying to stay alive
But I really need a revive
Because I'm taking a nose dive
And I can't contrive
Locked in this wretched maze
Under a demonic gaze
If only I could give You praise
I could see that You always
Amaze
Written 9 March 2016
Jack Jenkins Sep 2019
Today my heart decided to weight down in my chest to keep me grounded in reality. Reality that I love and I hate just as I love and hate myself for reasons only understood if you walked where I walked.

The sun stretched her rays across my face and somehow it reminded me of her, the subtle glow she had at times when everything just felt right. She was a sunset waterfall on a clear summer evening.

God, the thoughts in my head that are stuck like a spin cycle. I fall asleep loving her, wake up missing her, and live every day without her. That thing I mentioned earlier, reality, says she's gone but my heart still says no.

So let me write about everything inside that makes me feel so hollow. She was everything I invested in but could not impress so instead she impressed on me that she wasn't the one for me like she knew better. Maybe darling, we both are wrong.
//On her//
Jack Jenkins Feb 2017
I don't want you to know that I'm going down/
All the words getting stuck in the back of my throat/
My blood turning still and lifeless within my veins/
I chased you without knowing the price to pay/
Oh baby I'm a tormented soul in this world/
It's so hard for me to let go of the stars/
Oh I'm going down in flames today/
Someone give me a reason to stay/
Jack Jenkins Apr 2016
Seal the gates
And wail
As everything crumbles
Jack Jenkins Dec 2019
everything that made him him
was leaking out the hole in his chest
the cracked ribs finally failing
god, if only he wasn't a fool
God, please make this real
//On love//
Jack Jenkins Dec 2016
I
Will
Take
Your
Nothing
And
Turn
It
To
Your
Everything
Written 16 March 2016
Jack Jenkins Feb 2020
My guard dropped like an anvil from the sky
I never knew I was up so high
So alone
Freezing from the inside
Hiding lies in lust when love would've done fine
//On love and loneliness//
Jack Jenkins May 2019
There is a fear resting on this brain
Fear of obsolescence too young
Use used up too early
Spidering across my mind's eye
It is
Unsettling
To be old at a young age
In body & mind
The mirror shows your youth but
Cannot discover the years within
Everyone says "You're so young you have your whole life ahead of you!"
(It's such an oxymoron, your whole life is only ever behind you... If people cared to think they would learn this)

Young
young
y o u n g
Is it just a number?
Do I have to bury friends and family before I'm considered old?
Where is the invisible threshold that I must have passed when I was a child? Or a teen?
I haven't pocketed my third decade but my
HEART
                    is
HEAVY

I long to die but I'm scared to die so I just want to die so I stop thinking about death all the time. People will get over me.
If I'm (un)lucky my words won't be remembered
Most words are memories we want to forget
Yet we write them down
To the deep parts of our souls
Etch them in our marble foundations
Hoping out dreams will show them some nights
But I want to forget it all

I'm old ******
If you don't believe me ask my friends
If you don't believe them ask the dead
If you don't believe them stop reading
Because you were never listening in the first place
Just waiting for your turn to talk
To say I'm nonsensical
To eNcOuRaGe mE to lOoK fOrWaRd
When forward doesn't exist yet
By the time it does it's just more minutes
Stacked on my back
Days stacked on my back
Months stacked
Years stacked
Until you call me old
and I tell you I've been here the whole time

(You just chose not to believe)
//On life//
Tired of people and life.
Life and people are tired.
Jack Jenkins Apr 2016
3:08 am

Another broken night
You aren't here by my side
Not residing in my heart

Friend, would you trust me?
Trust love?
Fall with me?
Jack Jenkins Dec 2016
Another moment
Another thought
Can't stop it
Thinking of you
All your words
All your twinkling
Bright mind
Beautifully entwined
Our broken souls
Please be okay
I'm so sorry
Another moment
Another thought
Can't stop it
Thinking of you
All your passion
All your embrace
Heart of gold
Adorable girl
Our broken souls
Another moment
Please be okay
please be okay
*please be okay...
I don't want to lose you...
Jack Jenkins Dec 2016
Dark evaporates
Sun shines o'er greentopped hills
Another morning
Written 15 March 2016
Jack Jenkins Aug 2019
i'm just a small boy staring at a dead tree in the rain
looking up
wondering why love won't grow
//on love and her//
Jack Jenkins Jul 2019
Collect washed out colors
To put in my pocket
As a keepsake with no value
Fenced in for safety
Peculiar things that I let in
Thoughts not my own
I resent them like the fireplace
Who's flames took my secrets
But I threw them in
It's the only thing in this house
To have changed in years
Why?
I hold the past for peace
Yet if I forget
There are ghosts that will avenge
//On living in the past//
Jack Jenkins Apr 2016
Darkened skies fall down
Blood will rain in waterfalls
And the end shall come
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