You never knew why I loved you & I would always give a cliche answer about how only you can be you
But also loving you I found out that loving myself wasn't too bad That loving you made loving myself worth it
When I had that shotgun in my lap I had all my trauma right on the surface Things I couldn't change, or maybe I could I don't know
I couldn't stop my dad from seeing prostitutes just like I couldn't stop my mom from hitting him for four hours
I couldn't stop my friends from killing themselves, except maybe for her Everyone says it's not my fault But If I was the only thing she was living for Why is she dead?
These are the thoughts in my head just like the last time I spoke to you Here I am with the same thoughts once again But with no shotgun And no you
Because the thing I didn't want you to hear The thing I didn't want to face Was that I was dying loving you Because you didn't love some So I wasn't worth loving myself I was better off dead
So I write to the memory I have of you Again To tell you I'm so sorry I made our friendship the guardrail against the cliff of my despair It was unfair to you Two years and a hollowed out heart has changed me Changed my thoughts about you & I I still love you Even when you never loved me I pray you are free I hope you're in love And maybe you think of me Our memories Its all okay I'm okay
It's been a long journey from suicide attempt to peace. I had many friends once, and now I stand almost alone. Maybe that's what I needed. I shouldn't write at midnight...
I see all these blank pages of my future and I tear them to shreds// I only want to live in the pages of my past// I only wanted it to last// For her to last// I don't wish it was different just that I had done things differently// Maybe it'd end the same, but not knowing hurts// Not trying hurts// Somewhere I stopped trying to grow and only tried to control// I was just a boy in a man's frame// Yet I knew how to love her// I still love her// But she's gone like the ashes of a wildfire// Alone I still sing of her// Empty, echoing, loneliness// It is my new peace//
Hurt is a wonderful teacher in the school of hindsight. God I miss her.
I used to think I saw life through a cracked lens Until I saw life looking back with a cracked grin A wicked smirk Telling me "If you think you can conquer me, I have set a curse for every breath you breathe. I have poisoned every good thing."
So let me ask you this one thing: If everyone's been through this pain Why does it seem like nobody can relate? Everyone says this hurt will heal Glazed over eyes and halfhearted sympathies don't fly
Lovers are lies with improvised whys of why they leave you left with a hatred of love Hate is safer than love these days It doesn't leave you lost in a maze Just strays you in a haze of cliches
So tell me what's the point of living when death is our final destination? Why is it a crime to want to leave the inevitable prematurely? Why are tears shed for the ones who don't have to endure this "gift" called Life?
Broken heart, nihilism, depression, all mixed in with faith and love made this poem possible.