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All of these raw words won't save me
These friends can't save me
I'm craving for help
Let me leave my past on a shelf
To gather dust and be forgotten
So I can allow my forgiveness
& be free at last
You never knew why I loved you & I would always give a cliche answer about how only you can be you

That's true

But also loving you I found out that loving myself wasn't too bad
That loving you made loving myself worth it

When I had that shotgun in my lap I had all my trauma right on the surface
Things I couldn't change, or maybe I could
I don't know

I couldn't stop my dad from seeing prostitutes just like I couldn't stop my mom from hitting him for four hours

I couldn't stop my friends from killing themselves, except maybe for her
Everyone says it's not my fault
But
If I was the only thing she was living for
Why is she dead?

These are the thoughts in my head just like the last time I spoke to you
Here I am with the same thoughts once again
But with no shotgun
And no you

Because the thing I didn't want you to hear
The thing I didn't want to face
Was that I was dying loving you
Because you didn't love some
So I wasn't worth loving myself
I was better off dead

So I write to the memory I have of you
Again
To tell you I'm so sorry
I made our friendship the guardrail against the cliff of my despair
It was unfair to you
Two years and a hollowed out heart has changed me
Changed my thoughts about you & I
I still love you
Even when you never loved me
I pray you are free
I hope you're in love
And maybe you think of me
Our memories
Its all okay
I'm okay
It's been a long journey from suicide attempt to peace. I had many friends once, and now I stand almost alone. Maybe that's what I needed. I shouldn't write at midnight...
Jack Jenkins Mar 11
Rejection is a wound nobody is immune to
Its taste is sour and bitter
It makes your gums bleed

Rejection is always by your side
But never is a friend
But never is a lover

Rejection chases away sobriety
Looking to stop the pain
Looking to fill the void

Rejection pushes trust out of your life
Whispers that she's all you'll need
& makes you go deaf to the world
Jack Jenkins Feb 28
my heart is sunburnt on the outside
frostbitten on the inside
Title refers to a method of cooking steaks. Look it up if you'd like.
Jack Jenkins Feb 27
I see all these blank pages of my future and I tear them to shreds//
I only want to live in the pages of my past//
I only wanted it to last//
For her to last//
I don't wish it was different just that I had done things differently//
Maybe it'd end the same, but not knowing hurts//
Not trying hurts//
Somewhere I stopped trying to grow and only tried to control//
I was just a boy in a man's frame//
Yet I knew how to love her//
I still love her//
But she's gone like the ashes of a wildfire//
Alone I still sing of her//
Empty, echoing, loneliness//
It is my new peace//
Hurt is a wonderful teacher in the school of hindsight. God I miss her.
Jack Jenkins Feb 5
I **** for the things I do not need
Chaining myself to these sorrows of sins
I pray without seeking forgiveness
Hating those evil men whom pray louder

I am pride, I am hubris, I am blind
Honesty died long ago in my youth
I am a twisted and cursed creature
Painted with a disarming masquerade

I am what You hate, I am two-face
Walking in darkness and claiming light
I love adultery and hate Your Love
Lord I am sorry... Lord I am sorry
Jack Jenkins Jan 15
What is there to write
when the heart knows neither love nor heartbreak?
Jack Jenkins Dec 2018
The loneliness gets to me
& when I get lost I know how not to be found

The love gets to me
& when I give freely I know I'll stand alone

The pain gets to me
& ... I no longer know how to hold it back anymore
Jack Jenkins Dec 2018
Quiet breathing overshadowed by a pounding heart
leaves my ears deafened and I slowly fall apart

Weakened with extra haste to die and find peace
clay ankles weren't meant to hold a heart of stone

A heart selfless at one time but given too freely
to the wolves that desire only the flesh

Now I sit with loneliness and reminisce
about the lovers that were eventually a lie

Now I sit with loneliness and confess
there is no more heart for me to give
Jack Jenkins Nov 2018
I used to think I saw life through a cracked lens
Until I saw life looking back with a cracked grin
A wicked smirk
Telling me "If you think you can conquer me,
I have set a curse for every breath you breathe.
I have poisoned every good thing."

So let me ask you this one thing:
If everyone's been through this pain
Why does it seem like nobody can relate?
Everyone says this hurt will heal
Glazed over eyes and halfhearted sympathies don't fly

Lovers are lies with improvised whys
of why they leave you left with a hatred of love
Hate is safer than love these days
It doesn't leave you lost in a maze
Just strays you in a haze of cliches

So tell me what's the point of living when death is our final destination?
Why is it a crime to want to leave the inevitable prematurely?
Why are tears shed for the ones who don't have to endure this "gift" called
Life?
Broken heart, nihilism, depression, all mixed in with faith and love made this poem possible.
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