warm rocky outcrops
lead to hot springs below
a pleasant respite

  22h Jack Jenkins

Recovery is hard. It doesn't matter if you're recovering from drugs, an eating disorder, or self harm in general. The journey back to a healthy state of mind is long, tiring, and lonely. Too often do we keep our demons locked away because we're afraid the ones we love will turn their heads the other way. I know talking about addiction isn't on the top of everyone's list. It's uncomfortable. It's easier not talk about it, to forget the problem even exists. To the people who prefer to keep these problems quiet, "How well has that worked over the last 20yrs"? When friends start overdosing, or starving to death, "How will you feel when you realize you closed the door on them"? Talking is meant to heal. When phrases slip out like, "Just stop talking about it," the stigma that addicts should suffer alone is validated. This is a major problem. It triggers feelings of unworthiness and self hatred, which fester and loop inside the addicts head. "How can you reach someone if you aren't willing to hear them"? Refusing to listen to someone's story, whether it's from them directly, or from a friend expressing concern, is extremely selfish. In fact, being around friends who behave like this can be detrimental to recovery. If you know someone who is struggling, but you can't be of support to them, keep your distance. It's better to stay away, then to occupy a seat vital for their journey. Just offer a silent support. It's better that way.

I am not a drug addict. I've been recovering from anorexia over the last 3 years. It's been a very long/silent journey. I know what it's like to wake up every morning knowing you can't talk about what you're about to face. I've always struggled with talking about my ed. It changes the vibe in the room. Most conversations end with, "Why don't you just eat"?

Your body gets used to the poison.


I am part of the way dead
heaving breath with collapsed lungs
just trying to make it another day
all whilst hoping I don't see the night

Life is a tragedy.

A strong crushing feeling on the edge of existence
  Investigating a never-ending black tunnel
A crypt of hopeless souls forever seeking shelter
  Without a lamp to guide their fruitlessness
I see the ghastly faces set upon every person still
  Cold, pale and downtrodden with weight
Devoid of any glow to indicate they are alive
  They are obscure and discarded remains
Theirs is a cell of forgetfulness and tragic pain
  Forever feeling along the walls of torment

I can run
every monster in
my nightmares
I can't run from

I finally understand how much I hate myself

I'm sorry for clinging too tight to the people I love,
I'm sorry for the addiction ruining friendships,
I'm sorry for the people who I hurt inadvertently,
I'm sorry for having my heart continually bleed
I'm sorry my friends can never stay a part of my life,
I'm sorry my mind is a stew of PTSD and abandonment,
I'm sorry my body has felt the blade to ease the pain,
I'm sorry my heart is so shattered I can't love past friends,
I'm sorry I ever trusted certain people not to hurt me,
I'm sorry I've always been alone and don't understand people,
I'm sorry I always talked straight because I hate bullshit games,
I'm sorry I either try too hard or give up too easy,
I'm sorry that hope has taken it's leave from me,
I'm sorry that my faith became critically wounded,
I'm sorry that I was a let-down since I was a child,
I'm sorry that family never really felt like family,

I'm sorry for the hurt, the misery, the agony, the pain,
I'm sorry for the things i can't change...

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