I would describe depression as purple
and show you the frailty of my sanity
a long hallway with a long staircase
that goes up as it goes downwards
parts of you will fall off as you climb
rattling and echoing like a ghost
passing yourself seven times over
dusty lungs barely keeping you up
do you ever wonder if it ever ends?
All signs point to depression, and side effects of depression may include talking to those skeletons in your closet at 4am when you dream about her. Again.
Talking to ghosts isn't scary or bad, mostly it's just sad, because she's still alive and you act like she's dead. She's not dead. she's just not in your life anymore.
It's been two and a half years since we last talked, and I'm sure I can reach out or find a friend of a friend who maybe knows where you are.
But I won't.
Because the same reasons that drove you away, drive me to stay where I have been for the last three years.
I have grown up, but I have not moved on, I'm just loftier and believe that I can die happy because maybe I changed a half-dozen lives for the better. But I can't prove that.
I'm not suicidal, but I still keep that shotgun barrel at the back of my mouth just to keep myself hostage to the past. To the memories.
So I stay away.
Because I'm stuck.
My mind likes to divide instead of multiply, then compartmentalize all the things I want to say. But Rationalization clears it's throat and speaks in a somber way.
"You died that day you threw your love away. Your words do not matter, anymore."
I check the time; it's 4am. Here we go again.
picture me as nothing more
clinging to the walls of your heart
Anger, agony, and a
Crass chaos curtained by
Belies a bruised being
An "I'm not really okay" stare
But I'm not really "all there" so who cares?
Echoes die at the end of the tunnel, no matter how loudly you scream "I love you"
The corpses in my mind of lovers who left reminds me that they just knew better
So why don't I?
This is my diary where I die every day
Distant, dark, brooding
Bitter over what I couldn't have
Like swallowing sand
this doesn't help any more
//on her, all of them, everything, and ultimately nothing//
my heart will always hold you
though my arms cannot
your name is on my every breath
whispered to the dark as i fall asleep
& i pray your spirit haunts my dreams
for i miss you eternally
you are the words of my muse
darkness & light of my heart
window of your soul pierces me
punctuated by storm-wrought walls
oh how i miss you so
//on her, yet again//
Sometimes music is the only thing I allow to run free in the walls of my head
Letting those sharp words cut away the feelings I create
Letting everything fall to the floor
Seeking peace in pain
Lyrics that hurt
So I can feel again
//On Music and Depression//
The embers of my heart laid out in a line
Laid out like a pathway to the pines
Get lost in the woods and
Feel the darkness creep up to my throat
Let uncertain breath escape
See what lies in wait
I can’t do this anymore
There is no strength left
I can’t do this anymore
There’s no faith left
My skin’s so thin I could be a ghost
And fall right in with the dead
Blackened and blued and without a hope
What is there to l̶o̶v̶e̶ live for
I have no grave and must die
Let no one mourn for me