Cloudy days and
Lavender skies
Neverending sunshine
Exhaustion runs deep
Like veins beneath
Tearing at my skin
Stripping me of all
My seams

Nothing is really
All that strange
If you think
Too much or
For long enough
If there really is
A great big man
Who lives in
The clouds and
Watches our
Every move
Then why
Is it such a big deal
When people love
Each other
In a way they're
"Not supposed to"
If an immortal
Presence graces
Our every moment
Then why do we
Care if someone
Cuts their hair
When there are
Wars and natural
Disasters why do
We prioritize
Someone's abortion
In the news
Besides, who is
This "God" guy
Why the hell
Should we trust him
He "created" us
But we don't owe
"Him" anything

Your pretty face
And I can't wait
Layered morning sounds
Scenes that come in
Sizes and scents
That dance on my
Skin like fireflies
With wild eyes
That I can't erase
From my deeply
Troubled mind
Inquiring quietly
If there is a time
Of day you take
To think about the
Fleeting things
Of feeling things
You've never felt before

Breathing out smoke
Into frigid air
Burning scars
Into my skin
Rubbing in the honey
To cement the makes
Staring at the sky
Middle of the night
Tracing constellations
Of words never said
Trying to reach the moon
With a broken pen
These words are meaningless

I hope you don't mind
If I'm too excited to see you
I can't wait to read
The story you wrote
And show you mine too
We love the same songs
So tell me about your bands
I might compliment
Your hair again
Please don't get tired

I think you're really cool
I like your rainbow socks
And all your tees
And the way you tease
And talk about your cats
Your axolotls seem rad
Just like you
I hope things go well
And I hope you don't mind
If I'm thinking of you

*******
Seriously
****
You
*******
******* for everything you did
******* for leaving me to die
******* for turning me against
My own best friend
******* for leaving me
With all these scars
And mental problems
*******
Because I can't technically blame you
For anything
******* for telling stories
For saying that you
Liked me back
******* for answering
******* for saying that you cared
You never ******* cared
All you did was lie
And for once I am not to blame for that
All I was
Was ignorant
I didn't know
You were going to manipulate me
And her
You ****** us over
Together
So *******
For all the days I spent
Crying in the counselor's office
Too scared to show my face
******* for being the class clown
******* for being so nonchalant
******* for daring to say that you would miss me
When you saw my arms
And all the pills
I sent you pictures
You *******
And you texted everyone
Oh yes
What great gossip
She's going to **** herself
Wow
Wasn't that just the biggest news
And yet you couldn't care less
Because it was
My choice in the end
So ****
You
*******
And **** me too
I guess
Because at the end of the day
This will never stop
Being my fault

It's morning
I'm mourning
The person
I used to be
That's stupid
Really
Because she
She was the worst
Never put
Others first
Hurt herself
Along with
Everybody else
But she was me
And she was
Something closer
To pretty
And she was mean
But she was
Something I'll
Never be

theressomuchinthisworldforusallsowhen i hearpeoplesaythatthey want to die irelatebut i dontand cant understandwhytheywantto do this anymore i usedto never behappyanditwashellandivebeentherebutnowimhappyimhappywithmylifei­mhappywithmyselfimfinallybecomingthepersonivealwayswantedtobeican­finallyseethebeautyoftheworldandthebeautyinsidemyselfandi will alwaysseeitafterallthoseyearsofsayingthatiwouldnever be enough ifinallyamenoughand i dont care whatpeoplethink about anything idoaslongasitmakesmehappybecauseiamstrongandiamenoughand i am tired of being someonelsesdoormatbecauseimstill alive andimlivingformenowand i
amnevergoingtosaythati cant dosomethingbecauseicanandimgoingto get themost out oflife

I've never been more happy
To see an unknown
Number call me
The sound of your voice
Is all too familiar
The fact that
I made you laugh
Is worth more
Than gold to me
And at the end of the call
You told me
You loved me
And I said "you too"
Nothing can burst
My glimmering bubble
Of happiness
I'm so glad you called
Please do it again

Under dramatic
Anticlimactic
Words left unwritten
By long dead hands
And real horrors
Come in dreams
Chase scenes
Creeping things
Without respite
Without avail
Nightmare endings
To day dream prose

This is dumb
And I'm jealous
I wish you would leave me alone
I never asked for this
I just want to forget
All the things I never said
And after all this time
After everything you've done
There's this
I wish you wouldn't text me
I left you months ago
Let me move on
I'm tired of this
And you are too
I'm not here for you anymore
And I never will be
I know you have friends
I'm not one of them
So talk to them instead
I'm not interested
In your personal business
I do my best to play the martyr
But even I have limits
This is past pushing it
And I don't want to hear it
I understand
We all have problems
That includes me
You've put me through enough
I'm done with your hypocrisy
And your immaturity
Please just let me start again
I need this
This new existence
And you aren't part of it

I think I'm lucky
Sometimes
Not that I am a woman
But that I can pass as a man
I'm tall enough
Curveless enough
With a flattened chest
And short gelled hair
I'm the closest thing to safe
In the streets
As a woman can be

I wish I could say the same for my friends

Or maybe I'm a dancer
Just for you and me
My pirouette
Might well be poisonous
But I'm sure you'll
Fall for it anyways

I'm an art to your
Lovely bones and parasols
When I strike water
I really strike blood
And my self harm tattletale
Will never be enough

My chemical heart
Is just one nick I'll sew
Into your patchwork of scars
Don't worry about the
Aftercare
I heal wrong no matter the day

I see you sometimes
On weekend afternoons
Softly beside me

I love you then
And in the moments in between
Forever in my mind’s eye

I don't expect you
To stay with me forever
No one can promise that

I only want a promise
Of love’s last kiss
Planted on my cheek

In this time
I found you
On the edge of things

How did it feel
When you turned around
Rain chafing off your umbrella
Shiny shoes tapping on wet pavement

How did it feel
When you turned and walked away
Did it feel like cinema
Did you feel like a masterpiece
Never looking back on me

You
Are a light
You shine brighter for me
Than any star in the sky
But I don't even know you
And that's okay

You
I picture you under brilliant skies
The stars on your cheeks
Moons in your eyes
I think of you as Jupiter
But really, you're much more

You
You're an ivy lane
Leading to the future
That I only dreamed of
You're sweet like peaches
And salty as the sea

You
You're perfectly beautiful
Yet so flawed
I love you anyways
No wonder you fit perfectly against me
Like a puzzle piece

It's icy cold
Out here in the snow
But I don't mind
I'll bury myself
Before I go back to you

It's not that I don't want to
I do
I want to smother myself
In the warmth of this idea
That I carefully made
And assigned to your face
But I won't

Maybe I'm derelict
And you're lost too
But I don't want you
I know my edging
Is pretty
And the frosted glass
Glimmers when it's dark
But I'm empty
You won't find anything in here
Nothing for you
At least

Mind's a whirlwind
Of needles and pins
Scrapped up
From the crafting station
Down in the basement
A homely mix
Of cotton fabrics
Flowing in the wind
Of imagination

what is real
that's what i want to know
what exists
is anything of this real
and if not
what is
what if this is just a fantasy land
inside my own head
what if i'm in a coma
what if i'm somebody else
what if i am the only one that exists
what if i don't exist at all
what if there is some massive movie screen
that everybody can watch
from which everyone can see
the world through my eyes
what if i am dead
what if i have existed and lived a thousand times before this
what if this is some strange attempt to truly find peace
what if none of this is real
what if none of this is real
if i close my eyes
does the world cease to exist
and does anything truly exist
if it is possible for vision to fade and never return
perhaps the world is born when i am
perhaps it will die when i do
perhaps the world is just snippets thrown together
different perspectives
different timelines
there are explanations
the gods of science
but who is to say that that is real
who can determine what is real
is it me
is this all up to me
to all those reading
if there is anyone reading at all
i will never know you
i will never have a way to know
if anything
or anyone
truly exists
this life has the permanence
of dreams
flashes of images
thrown together
who is to say what is real
who is to say what is real
who is to say anything at all
my memories might as well be fake
so what do i do
do i do my best
to fit into this make believe world
do i let go of the universe
and play to my quiet niche
or do i let go of the present
let go of the past
let go of the future
and just be
who is to say what is real
who is to say what is real
does the world disappear when i close my eyes
does it all cease
to be
when i die
will the world die with me
is my body real
does it exist
and does the world around me exist
or is this all just hallucinations
is this anything at all
i have no way of knowing
i can see my fingers
i can feel my bangs
brushing against my face
i can smell the must
i can hear the gentle murmur
but what makes this real
what if this isn't real
what happens when it all goes away
what happens when everything goes away
what happens when i can no longer feel
what happens when my eyes don't see
what happens when everything fades
and even my thoughts go away
what is behind the veil
what is just out of sight
is there anything there at all
is it the void
is it just the void
the blackness behind my eyes
stretching out forever
is this the flashback
before i die
is my life running before my eyes
is everything draining from me
and is there truly mortality
do we truly exist at all
is there a we
or is it just me
alone
with my vivid hallucinations

it could go away so easily
it could be gone

i imagine those chambers
those water chambers
where everything is silent
and the water is the same temperature
as your body
and there is nothing
and you lay in the dark
is that dying
is that what truly exists
or is even that an illusion

is anything real
is anything real

I hate this topic
Because what are friends anyways
Have I ever really had one
I think so
Years ago
But when you start lying to yourself
You can't help
But lie to everybody else
And if no one knows
Who you are
It's hard to have friends
It's hard to go on
Without opening up
But opening up
Is social suicide
When opening up is admitting
That you're not the person
You say you are
Opening up is letting go
Letting go of the person you wanted to be
The person you pretended to be
Opening up means giving your friends
The picture perfect opportunity
To leave you
It's a big old "*******"
Right to their faces
It's basically saying
"I've never told you who I am"
And who knows what they'll think
I can't tell my "friends"
Because I don't want them to leave
I don't want to be alone again
But even if I tell them that
There's no reason for them to believe
I've lied to them before
I'm probably just lying again
And that's the last thing I could take
Making someone believe
That I don't think they're good enough
Not good enough for the truth
Not good enough to see
Who I really am
And in truth all my "friends"
Are so much more than good enough
They're ******* angels
And the reason they can't know
Who I really am
Is because I don't belong here
I don't belong anywhere
Certainly not with them

Don't look for me
I won't be there
I'll be in the leaves
Of some foreign land
Swimming in the grass and
Drinking up the sunlight

Don't look for me
Or dig up my grave
There will be no body
Just olden bones
I don't live there anymore

Don't look for me
Underground
I'm in the sky now
Sitting in the trees
Doing things

Don't look for me
Anywhere on earth
Don't even search the stars
Truth be told
I never got that far

Don't look for me
I'm too tired to be found

Don't look for me
I've already drowned

I guess
I'll walk away
From everything
You never were
To me

All I was
To you
Was second rate
Second choice
Second place

For all the sleepless nights
Underneath a ceiling
Of plaster stars
For every lonely day
With with only nurses
To keep you company
For every IV
For every EKG
For every single test
And teary eyed sentence
For every scar
For every pill
For every bullet
And every gun
There is someone
In an identical hospital bed
There is someone
Who aches the same

For every heart that breaks
There's another one healing
You are not alone
We are not alone

I recognize my failings
I just wish
They'd recognize me

This isn't meant
To reach
Their eyes
Nor am I
It's a little
Late now to
Consider
Common courtesy
I might as
Well speak
I've nothing
To lose
But everything
I failed
At failing
That's the worst
Failure of all
And some
Nights I still
Dream that
I'm back
In that hell
But in my
Mind I stay
Behind and
I never
Let him go
But that's
Not the truth
I don't know
Where he is
Or who I am
Just that
This mind
Is empty
Of everything
In a way
Tormented
By the things
I swore
I watched
Fade
It's hard
To say that
I won't let them
Break me
When all that
I want is to
Break and
Break and
Break
Until I'm
Shattered down
To a piece
Of sand
Waiting for a
Wave to take
Me away
When I think
Of home
I think
Of pain
There's no
House without
Blades
There's no
Love without
Shame
I'm falling
Away
From all
My drawings
Sketching
Of ideas
I once thought
I had
I can barely
Step in
The rightest
Direction
When every
Which way
I am faced
With the same
Mistakes
I keep on
Making
Maybe it's
Fate that I'll
Leave like
They didn't
Maybe it's
Best that I
Bow out now
Maybe it's
Will that I
Throw caution
To the wind
And myself
With it
This life
Is a hell
That doesn't
Mean it
Has to be mine

Laying in bed
The heater set to 65
Cat on my lap and the door cracked open
Browsing online
Watching ****** youtube videos
on r/maliciouscompliance
Things could be worse
Things could be so much worse

It's raining again today
Normally
I fall in love
With the rain
But today
Something is off
Something is different
Something is wrong
Something I cannot place
But it is there
And it wants me gone

You aren't mine
You are your own
But that doesn't stop me
From calling you darling
In my mind
Because in my mind
You are always my love
You're my dearest
My sweetheart
The loveliest one
And I'll knit you a scarf
With all of my heart
I'll call you at night
And stare at the stars
Someday I'll see you
Even if it hurts
Because loving you is a choice
I will always make

Oh darling girl
How I love you so
Your ignorant eyes
Oh how they shine
Your messy hair
Blowing in the wind
With your patchy bangs
Stuck in your face
So full of hopes
Bursting with dreams
Little do you know
They're splitting
All your seams
Your vital lifeline
Only has so
Much time
Someday you will die
And no one
Will remember
Me

Flight
Upon a case
Of pure white
Steps
Spiral for miles
Ultimately through darkness
Away from the boxes
Of all things best forgotten
Trials and tribulations
To occupy time
While feet face more steps
In the perilous climb
To the light
Spillage of gold
From the hole
In the ground
Up into a night
A starry ceiling
Black painted sky
With lights trinkling down
This beautiful wallpaper
Of leaves and time

Sometimes
I have to remind myself
That I made a promise
That I am not
In the business of giving up

I don't mind the way things are
I have some new friends
We're smiling again
Things are better for me
Life keeps moving

When I first began
It was just for fun
All face
No eyes
A nightmare
Terror
Picasso portrait
In disguise

Then it really began
To beautify
Liquid layers
Shattered hues
Blacking out
Spaces
In purple
And blue

Enthusiasm wanes
Experiences
Replace passion
With patience
Love for myself
Missing in action
All things breaking
All things fading

The touch
Of your hand
To your chin
As I watch
It meant nothing
At first
And then I thought
About it
A bit
I looked it up
Online
So thank you
Too
It means a lot

I need to write you
But I'm scared
I need this to be perfect
Just like your letter
To me
But I'm so far
From perfection
Maybe I just
Don't love you enough
If I loved you enough
You could come home

Hands too numb
To move anymore
Resting my head
On the inside shelf
Reflected in the plastic
High on the scent
Of must and dead butterflies
Breathe out hard
To fog up my reflection
I don't want to see myself

Can I be your star system?
So blissfully unaware
Of your awed gaze
Glittering in the heavens
An interstellar display
Laid out before you
All raw and vulnerable
Solar flares and star dust
Can I be your muse?
Your inspiration
Every time you turn to the sky
Can I be the one
Who strikes your heart
And resonates
With your soul
To a level that you
That you've never felt before
Can I be your everything?
Can I be your everything?

I don't know if I'm lonely
Or just falling apart
But I'd love to fall apart
In your arms
Your summer hair
Glowing gold and brown
Wild eyes
2:00 AM in your bed
With the window open
Rain outside
Cups of tea in hands
Watching your smile

Asleep next to me
You seem so at peace
Those frowning lips
Finally relaxed
Your forehead
A smooth canvas
Eyelids balanced closed
With steady breath
I know you
Have a boyfriend
But I still love you
From time to time

Does it ever seem as though
Something has left you
Alone
To feel no more
As if your bones have slipped out
From beneath your skin
I am troubled

It is strange
How quickly things can change
You were the one
The One
Standing alone
Raindrops in my palm
Entering the Louvre
I was so sure
But my confidence is failing
My eyes no longer
Spring to you
My heart feels nothing
My head feels empty
Why do things change?

Will I ever find
What I'm looking for

Someday, I won't remember this
Sitting in a bedroom
With only the Christmas lights on
On a half-baked winter solstice
In week old sweatpants
Faded hair and muscles sore
My vision blurring
Pixelating
Focused only on the screen
I won't remember this
No one will

I can't wait
To be more
Than just a mistake

This was supposed to be the year
That things came together
But so far I've only succeeded
At watching my world fall apart

I miss walking to your car
Wildly undressed
For the weather
As always
Yet radiant in the snow
Always scanning the backs of cars
For your Illinois plate
Reminded every time
That you’re a city kid
Probably much too cool for me

You step outside your car
Even though it’s cold
And you’re stepping into slush
The crud that cakes up in the parking lot
I miss seeing your face
That catlike smile
As I speed walk across asphalt
Smiling myself
Hard enough to make my cheeks sore
But there’s not a care in the world
When I crash into your arms

The air is cold but you are warm
My heart gets wrapped up
In a tight cocoon of you
Then we break and you say
We should get in your car
It’s cold and I left my coat again
Then I’m in your passenger seat
You’re offering me matcha candy
Or maybe just looking at me
With those bedroom eyes
Dark behind your glasses
Yet lit up all the same

I miss that sweet first kiss
The soft heat of your lips
Pressed up against mine
Gentle and hungry
A restrained fever of want
Given away by your hand on my cheek
Thumb tracing across my lips when you pull back
Gazing at me like I’m something
To be savored
Cherished and mouthed at
The tender want in your eyes
That I miss
The moment you look away

I spend too long
Staring into the sun
The flicking tongues
Of radiation
Spilling into space

Does it ever really happen?
That illusive miracle
Where two people
Truly love each other?

Untying my shoes
Is a ritual
Where I bake my cement
And stick my hand in it
Maybe someday
A detective will come
To investigate my death
And find my fingerprints
Trace my blood back
To the bedroom where I sit
Listening to indie music
From my own lungs
Twisted in the sheets
Hanging from the ceiling
Like an athletic
****** angel
And mayhap
If I'm lucky
My body will end up
In some museum
Where lavendar doesn't
Know how to burn
I can read me to sleep
And I'll have witches
In my dreams
They can cast hexes on me
So pedestriannly
I will swing
Like a demon
From your sewing machine
I'll sing at the screening
Like a rogue banshee
When they lay me down
For my eternal sleep
I'll put my fingers up
Just the two
In a farewell salute
Before I'm nailed in
To meet all my new friends
They might eat my eyes
But they're still better than you

From you to me
There's ten
Or so degrees
You've a high
Of ninety five
While I'm waiting
For seventy three
I miss you more
Than the weather
Man knows
Does Denver forecast
Me thinking of your glow