If you stare at my ceiling fan
For long enough
It starts to look like
A massive metal flower
I stared for a while
A few minutes
Enough to see my own reflection
In twisting grey petals
The gold rivets
Made themselves at home
Around my pupils
And I've never been the same since
Maybe someday that fan will fall down
And **** me
Hit me over the head
And decapitate me like in a movie
Maybe one day
The fan will fall
And relieve this burden
From us all

Walking these halls
For the very first time
It feels like I've been here
For a hundred years
Unfamiliar faces all blend
Into one high school dropout
One singular name
That I don't want to know
When it starts to snow
I'll pray for ice to crystallize
Around my feet
So I can stay in my bed
And never leave again
I want to weep but
My eyes stay dry
There's a drought in my mind
It's draining away
All that I once was
All that I will be
Who I am today is not
Who I should be

How have I never
Felt so alone

I see you sometimes
In between
Rays of sunlight

You're not unfamiliar
With the shadows
Of things

I don't expect you
To wait for me
I could never ask that

I don't want you
To wait for me
I'll catch up

In time
I'll find you
On the edge of things

Hey.
I don't know you but
I'd love to make your acquaintance
Standing in the rain
So I can finally
See the sun

Hi.
Nice to meet you but
Something's tearing up my insides
Teasing white lies
About how I'll
Do it wrong with you

Hello.
I'd love to be
Happy in your eyes
Savvy in your smile
Never saying goodbye
To your face in my mirror

Something has changed
Since I last was awake
Sounds are wrong
My pulse is unnerved
My limbs are sitting strangely
The world blurs
As rain twinkles down
Crouching outside
On the edge
Of a field of weeds
I am not wanted
I do not belong
Some space is being taken
By me
That is not mine to take

I don't mind
Traffick in the morning
Raindrops blurring
The stop lights
Into technicolour beads
The paper touch
Of the air conditioning
A butterfly kiss
Landing on my cheek

There's no reason for things to be like this
There's no reason that my heart shakes
There's no reason that I feel this way

But there's also no way
For me to push this down
For me to block this out
As much as I hate it
I miss it

And seeing them their
Upstairs
In long pants
And tube socks
And smocks
And just tubes in general
And the new boy
So nice and shy
I can't help but wish
It wasn't always over

There's no reason for things to be like this

Wind whips me
Sharp blades against my skin
Maybe I'm a *******
I don't mind
This icy thrill

Cold air
Sleek against my lungs
Filling me up
With a frost
I can't get enough of

I hope you're happy
I don't mean that
In a bitter way
I want you to be happy
I hope she gives you
Everything that I couldn't
I hope she looks past your flaws
Moves past the place where I stopped
I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy

I live in a world
Where the mist never burns off
It's okay
I like the rain
And the mystery
Because when the sun shines through
I get to dance like
I've never danced before
Spinning alone in the sunshine
Walking in the cold
Air slips down my throat
Stare out at the mist
And a little sun comes through
I can feel that warmth
I can feel that love
That's why
Take two steps forward when you fall
Not steps anymore
Run
Running for the sun
Longing to dance and be
In my darkest days
I cry and stay awake
All night and I'm
Not thinking of killing myself
I thinking about the sun
How beautiful it is
How I want to see it again
Contrary to your belief
I do not see the world in grey
But in green
And red and orange
And you
In all of your splendor
Could I be so humbled
As to see you again
Do not worry about me
Too young and dumb to die
Too young and dumb to never see the sun
But smart enough to know
That nothing matters
When I'm dancing with you

It's a funny thing
Looking back
On a moment
That could've been
The last
It's funny when it
All comes down to
That single second
Where the current
Threatens
To pull you under
And then it lets go
And you can float
Among the broken boards
The damage from
The storm
Drifting in the
Aftermath

I hate him
I hate that my dreams of him
Are the happiest things
I hate that part of me
Still thinks he's okay
I hate that my mind
Keeps bringing him back
Long after I've blocked him
And tried to move on
I hate him because it's easy
It's easier than hating myself
I hate because if I don't
I start to wonder
If it was my fault after all

Was it too much
To think of myself
As beyond physical attraction?
I guess it was.
I'm not in love.

I'm so lucky
To have a nerd like him
As my unforgiving
Father

I'm so lucky
To have a doll like her
Laying in my
Lap

I'm so lucky
To have an idiot like me
Living in my
Head

I'm so lucky
To have a world like this
To hold me
Up

The beginning
Steal my heart
With a single glance
Through space and screen
My one and only

Innocence is replaced with
Devastation
Ravish me
Of my purity
Go away with my childhood

Him
Worms crawl up my skin
The thought of what he did
Smother me
But it was my choice in the end

The storm that wrecked my lungs
Came in November
Severed the cord to my mother
Can't sleep now
There's still an IV somewhere

She came to me
In pocket watches and
Autumn dreams
Soft hair
And a heart that lingers

Quietly, quietly
Crept into her room
Laid beside her sleeping form
Not close enough to steal a kiss
But close enough for both of us

It was easy with them
Picking up our dead
Laying them to rest
The second that they held my hand
Was everything

I crawl
Back into my hole
I was wrong
Don't wake me up
Until November comes

Now there's a boy
On the edge of my vision
Standing on fields
Watching the sun
While I watch him

Scared to love
To let the sun in
But afraid to be alone
There are only so many Novembers
That can come and go

We loved
I loved

You didn't

This isn't a poem
Or a love letter
Maybe a tiny
Apology
But mostly just a note
To the one I adore
Dearest
I'll see you
On the other side
Call me tonight
I'm going to the beach
And I'm going to dig a hole
All the way
To Colorado
To visit you
With sand in my shoes

Music is a river
That won't stop flowing
Bear me up
On cascading waves
Rippling notes
Of love and loss
Drown me
In the melancholy
Of a thousand voices
Wash me up
On foreign shores
Make me lighter

I’m not saying
That I’m jealous
I just wish
You would look at me
Like you look at her
The way you laugh
And show her your art
And make jokes
That aren’t really fun
That evoke her
Laughter
I would do anything
For that to be me
Sitting side by side
Writing in class
With her looking on
Definitely not jealous

Darling, I have
Almost no hobbies
I tried to
**** myself
Once or thrice
But nothing ever
Came of it
I'm really just
Oh so boring
I read all day
And not what they
Want, oh no
I'm a travesty
To look at
A senseless tragedy
That's all I'll
Ever be
I'm too fond
Of overt manipulation
But darling
That will never
Stop you
From telling me
Who I really am
A mighty brainless
***** of sorts
And I'll never
Touch a man
A girl's only so
If she never sweats
And the only
Thing out there
Is an abusive
Husband
Love you're breaking
All the boundaries
You knit and
You sew and
You bake a cake
But don't touch
A crumb
You're smart
And you read
You'll soon be off
To university
Really just incredibly
Wildly exceptional
And for you
Opinions, well
Whoever said
That sexism
Is dead
Has obviously
Never met you

Cold eyes wither me
Cold mouths touch my skin
Sweet words no longer reach my ears
Am I no longer kin?

Bitter tears streak my face
Midnight gathers on a page
Silence is the only solace
They only battle against the rage

Red runs like water
Blood thick enough to tear us apart
Maybe I’m a daughter
But I do not know their hearts

In a different reality
My family isn't happy
Not to say that
It is now, really
But the occasional
Shared smile
Wouldn't happen very
Often since
There would be
Nobody there
To share it

Lie awake for me
Tangle yourself in your sheets and
Think about me
You haven't seen me in three days
It's spring break
I promise you this
I won't text you back
Maybe you believe I hate you
That's okay I just
Need to know what it feels like
To have someone waiting

I hope you can fall in love
With silence because
I love silence more than anything
But not enough to stop you from breaking it
Break it
And I'll break your trust
Take me back
Don't ask me to explain
I won't
I have a warehouse worth
Of second chances

I cry because of you
I'll  let you know but
Don't think you can catch me
You know me well enough to know
I don't open up
But not well enough to know why and
I'll  play my favorite song for you
You'll never know why
It makes me smile
But you'll know
All too well
That it makes me cry
When you aren't around
I know that you think
It's all to do
With you
I'll swear it's not
It is

You’re loud
And demanding
Sit on my lap then walk away
Knock over the mail and
Laugh at me
You love to make a mess
And sit on my desk
But you refuse
To make yourself at home in my bed
You are strange
Chew on a strand of grass
And stare at the sky
Run my fingers through your hair
Black and soft like velvet
I’ve known you for years
And loved you every one
Brush the back of my hand
Make me smile
You are the best friend
I could ever know
But you will never speak to me
Because you are a cat

It's almost funny
The way I fall
In love with anyone
It shouldn't be this way
It shouldn't be you
But it is
And how am I
Supposed to help it
I'm just a kid
With a head full of clouds
And a heart full of dreams
That I can't quite reach
I love my guilty pleasures
But you aren't
Even guilty
You're just a man
That I don't know
You're just a man
That I'll never know
And I will daydream
About meeting you
In separate places
I could be your doll
You're not
A work of art
And darling that's okay
Let's keep it that way

I remember when I first met you
It was weeks in
We'd seen each other
A thousand times
But I never really met
The person I thought
Was really you

Lying back
In the parking lot
I watched you go
And you waved for once
You said "thank you"
In sign language
I really think
That's when we fell in love

I remember when I left you
It was last night
I think
I went off on a rant
About Jonestown
You changed the subject
And then hung up
I cried for it a bit
And let myself mope
Then I picked myself up
Because there was nothing left to do

I loved you
And you loved me
Perhaps you still do
But we are not lovers
We never will be
I'm sure we'll talk again
Probably pretty soon
That's what ***** teenagers do

My point is this
You are not my love
You are not monumental
To me, at least
We will each find someone
Who will leave us weak
But that isn't you
And it sure isn't me

You are no longer
The stranger I'm in love with
You're just a stranger

Birds twittering
I name some
Not all
Yet they are all familiar to me

Squirrels chatter
Small things burst through brush
Fern fronds unfurl
The air smells so new

All windows open
Gazing outside
Taking in the scent of growth
Watching a moth beat against a window

Overcast patches
Knitted with blue sky
Those sporadic rain showers
Followed by little spasms of sun

Everything is green
The forest is coming back to life
A new reincarnation
Of Mother Earth

The streams will sing
The grass will grow
Something shifts
As geese cry overhead

Cut my hair
As cute as can be
Now I'm even better
At hiding what is me

I got a new sweater today
Men's section
Of a cheap department store
It's too big on me
Fits like drapery
Concealing my form
That's the only thing I want to do anymore

I don't fit in clothes
Like I don't fit with girls
Too big, too bustless
Their sweaters hug my body
In all the wrong places

But I'm too small for boys
Too young
Too restless
With messy girly hair
And a slim doe's neck
I am not enough for them
I cannot fill their shoes

So I bury myself
In a baggy sweater
Drowning myself
In insecurities
Hoping no one will look closer
Find out what's beneath these clothes
Beneath this skin
Beneath "me"

It's a rush in the morning
Throwing on clothes
I didn't take my drugs today
I'm essentially ******
That's what that means
I could've worn my trench coat
But anxiety's a *****
I'll just dress in black
From head to toe instead
Raining down like tears
Falling from my bitter mouth
The weather is forever
My biggest ******* mood
I could black my eyes
And slit my wrists
But I'll iron my bangs
And slip on my vans
That's what Ohio is really for

Just because
You take precautions
Doesn't mean
I won't break

****
I'm sick
And you're with her
And I'm with me
He moved
Or maybe I did
I'm not quite sure
What Spanish has to do with this
Lost in thoughts
Half dream
Half reality
Doing my best
Not to obsess or
Fall apart
In my tiny corner
Wiping my nose
Roaming the halls
In my mind
Desperate for anything
But especially you

It's truly a bit
Ridiculous
That I still miss him
So long gone
Might as well be dead
In a hospital bed
But I hope to God
In whom I have no faith
That he'll call me someday
And everything
Will be okay

I hate you when you're laughing
Because you're not laughing
With me
That isn't fair
Life isn't fair
That's why you're
Over there and
Not looking at me
Jealousy
Is disgusting
And I'm full of it
I guess it's best
That I stink alone
And forget about the good times
Picking out music
Awkward compliments
Smiling through
A water glass
Nothing lasts
I'm hyper-dramatic

where are you
where are the questions
is there anyone out there
who doesn't know
what is truly real
perhaps there is
and perhaps there isn't
maybe i'll read a poem someday
a poem that reminds me
of
well

me

but maybe that will just be my own thoughts
reflecting into the ether
either way
i want to know
if there is someone else out there

i have an image
of this world
there are two of us
only two
who exist on the same plane
maybe we all exist
on different planes
maybe we're soulmates
the two of us
alone on this plane
maybe i'll find you someday
and if i don't
then i will know
that i have always been alone

And we are all
Paper weight pangolins
Endangered
In our own ways

Maybe someday
I just won't
Think about this
Anymore
Maybe I won't
Think at all
But for now
I'm trapped
As the wisp
It sings
It plucks
At my strings
I'm just
An instrument
Of my own
Torture
And I can't
Bear it
Anymore

Will you fall in love
With the contents
Of my pages

I know things are bad when I start dreaming about someone.
Not even good dreams,
Just dreams.
Dreams spark things.
Dreams start things.

I miss the concept of you I made
Out of glimpses of your face
From the corner of my eye
In the back of the room
I miss the voice that I hear in my head
It's sounds like you but
It says the words I wish you would
All these daydreams
Are going to smother me
I know you'll never be next to me
Laying in bed like the lovers
That we will never be
But my mind runs away
And I can't keep up with it
I can't keep up with this

Sexuality is beautiful
It's the blossom of life
Painted deep beneath the trees
Stretching down past
The roots of our ancestors
But it's not in me
Not in my mind, at least
It's embedded in my bones
I breathe it and I sleep with it
But it does not haunt my dreams
Even when I'm touched
My mind remains wholly detached
Lost in my thoughts
Safe and locked inside my skull

Dark eyes
Waking slowly
I'd cry if I could
But my best friend
Is dressed like Mothman
Red tinted glasses
Rose is all I see
You ****** Karkat wig
It's a different outfit
But it's all the same to me

Sore knees and an aching back
From a day of laying in bed
Dark clothes covered in hair
From a certain feline friend

Warm eyes and soft smiles
Traded with myself
Flipping damaged pages
Of old books off a shelf

Writing crooked poetry
Reading upside down
Battling the depressing things
Is easier with stories around

She's cute
She has purple hair
She bought a Jesus pen
For some reason
Can't wait to see it
She likes bands
Bands that I actually know
She compliments me
Even though I'm ugly
And she's a witch
Who speaks Spanish

I'll watch them
Appreciate them from afar
To tell them my feelings
Would be ridiculous
Because I am not in love
I probably never will be

I'll watch them
Their blue grey hair
Their blue green eyes
I might got lost
When they're locked on mine
But I know full well
And I keep it to myself
That it doesn't mean a thing

I'll watch them
The painting behind my eyes
The first thing I see
The last before I fall asleep at night
Fondly sketched
Tattooed into my spine
But nothing here is permanent
And they'll die after a while

I'll watch them
Take in the scent
Of every breath
I'll sit quietly
Unmindfully
While the earth continues to turn
While their hair grows out
While I become stone

I wish to live
Deep below the sea
I'll spend my day
Wandering and search
Exploring different
Water ways
Stopping often
To watch the Drowned
Never speaking
Just existing
Never to be found

I won't show my face
To the light of day
Only surface at night
To let the moon
Bathe my skin
Then dip back under
Legs pumped
Hands thrusting
Swimming on

I'll dance around the coral
Followed by dolphins
Switching in and out
Never alone
Yet never too close
No houses
No belongings
Just ocean
And swimming
Legs pumping
Hands thrusting
Never to be found

What's the deal with love
Why is it so elusive
Why do we all
Lives our lives
Chasing out own tails
In the name of love
It's the subject of every song
Every book and movie
Just has to have love
You can only be single
If you're ready to mingle
And I'm done
The only one
I can't wait to fall for
Is myself

Wrapped up
In blanket love
Breathing out the past
And only looking forwards
Opening windows
To let in the spring
Cutting my bangs
So the world can see my face
I'm a whole new girl
I can smile now
There's an anchor now
I'm safe and sound

If diaries could bleed
This would get ugly
I know I need help
But I'd rather be alone
I can go to therapy
And tell all my sob
Stories and tragedies
It wouldn't matter
In the end because
I'm still dead
Abandoned in a coffin
In the back of my head
My best friends
Brought me roses
Instead of tiger lilies
Because they don't
Really know me
I'll be buried in white
When I finally
Rest my mind
Because no one likes
My gothic side
I hope they'll play
My favourite songs
The ones I left on loop
But they won't
No one knows
What it is I do
And with all this
Spare time I'd say
That's probably okay
Aside from watching Ru
I sit in my room
Thinking about things
Life and death
And all that stuff
Pondering the galaxies
Instead of facing
My own reality
Because the truth is
I can only be
So different
So those demons
That you thought left
They're all still here
And they're all my friends
Better than the ones
Who currently hold
That ugly claim
Someone's got to leave
It won't be them
And it won't be me
I guess we both
Know what that means

I feel like a failure
Because I don't know what to do
Some stories are self deprecating
Most of them, actually
So will you laugh
Or am I just embarrassing

Is my stupid hair
A sign of independence
Or just something else
That makes me different
Am I everything you want
Or everything you dread

Am I a trainwreck
Already in full force
Careening off the tracks
Surrounded by bystanders
I guess it'd be funny
If I wasn't me

I'm okay with being the mess
Playing the disaster
I'm outside of myself
So it doesn't matter
If I play the fool
I'm laughing too

It's rainy
And my reading
Has run dry
I don't want you
On my mind
Since when
Have you been
Painful for me
I've been writing
You poetry
For ten days now
And it didn't
Hurt before
You're difficult
Or maybe
That's me

I don't owe you
You don't own me
I don't need to explain myself
I've said my piece
Now move on