It is eagerly that I prepare
Turning out lights and *******
Setting aside the following days necessities
And brushing my hair

My heart dances when I see
The black sheets and tossled comforter
Against the matte sky peaking through my window
I sit and sink
Into the noisy springs
And flattened pillows

And almost immediately I descend into
Another bed of another life
In my desperate mind

And it is then that I forget
I'm between the sweet haze of otherworldly dreams
And among the vibrant feelings and happy ventures
The dull muted droll of my own life

And in the blue mornings
As I wake to chronic angers and patient responsibility
Inevitably the cloak of heavy unsatisfaction and disappointment
Settle onto my shoulders

And as before I carry on with my day
Counting the seconds
And blissfully dreaming
Of the bed that waits for me at home

Don't you ever get tired?                                             Don't
Don't you ever get tired?                                             You
Don't you ever get tired?                                             Ever
Don't you ever get tired?                                             Get
Don't you ever get tired?                                            Tired
                                                                                           ?





Of being




A *Human?

Fabricated Moon
If only I'd seen it soon
Fibbing.  Dance.  I swoon.

The confidence that I clawed to reach
The ideas so sure, so secure
All the concepts they dared to preach
I honestly believed it was the one and only cure

But where am I now?
In the exact same position as before
And there isn't any other way I know how
I am standing at the last door

Behind it is yet another brick wall
I have no other way to go
I've been beaten to a crawl
and forever I will dwell in such a powerful woe

With fear
that stems from the anxious shivers
That drives cold chills
though my skin

And into my head

Water and Oil
Science and Faith
Tradition and Contemporary
Pride and Anxiety

My mind
A selfish melting ***
of nothing and everything
Trying to scream at the same time

I want to devote
but I know it'll bring nothing but
pain
that I don't care to feel again

But how do I live my life
without the affection
that I spend everyday
craving

Tell me
Tell me
Oh, any deity that will come with open ears
Tell me

How

Painting in different directions
Striving towards a painted goal
The chaos works as a nasty infection
In the pure health of the knitted souls

And all because half cannot
Make up her mind
Its seems all her training she's forgot
And her logic nowhere to find

And with each hesitant word
Comes a falling painted chip
To think of its demise would be absurd
How so much damage come from one lip?

Nothing but sky and earth clashing
Winds of desperation thrashing
Calming waters come out lashing
And everything I've ever known seems to be
Vanishing

I can feel
Every popping seam
And every tearing stitch
in the fabric of
our intersewn lives

I can feel the dividing powers
Not quite separating evenly
But taking and leaving
pieces of each other

As we go our own ways
Perhaps not in the physical world
Maybe not mentally either
but the implications are as clear as our once pronounced coexistence

Soon we will part
Turn and walk away from
a piece of our dying heart(s)
not feeling much but numb

And the apathy will even out
our gains and loses
so that we dont feel anything
as we break what once was

And despite the strange estrange
Given the warm memories
That leave me now frost with tears
or sadness that it should insinuate

That is not what squeezes me
Thats not what troubles me
It isnt whats left me puzzled
But what is

Is the fact that I am not as
grief-stricken
or heavy-hearted
anguished
as I'd presumed to be

And oh how much
How much that worries me

Stop I tell you
Leave me to the ebony that is my home
Give me to the hungry
Curling fingers that bekon I say
Only a smaller ways, Iris
Only a little more

Just give us your whole
Give us the hope and we will give you peace
Give in to the thoughts that thrash
For attention
Give in the the shadows that are aching
Aching to hold you

Nobody cares
And that's okay
Give in
Stop fighting
Stop trying

Because you cannot win

Heavy eyes
Reluctant compromise
Ordinary routine lies
That tear and vaporize

I want to know the why's

Sleep
                                                                                            Sleep
Oh how i love her so

Sleep

I drown in the beauty
of delusion
the colors
That I bath in

The smiles
That I cause

The image
That I
want

But its all in my head
because in the real world
sleep is sleep and dreams . . .

Dreams are dead
                                                                                                  Dead

A moon to me, was brought
A glowing persistence that illuminated
the blithe of my world

And oh did I cherish that moon so
Oh how I cared for it
Oh how I

Loved it
with all that was left of
me

But the brilliance
that poured from its surface
faded

to nothing
to become only a dark
cold rock

I am sorry, Moon
I am sorry you were not enough
I am sorry I do not love you so

Don't tell me to breathe
Don't tell me its okay
Don't stay but dont leave
Don't say there's a way

Don't act like I'm fine
But don't hover and brood
Don't tell me I'm the star shine
But don't tell me I'm ugly or rude

Don't tell me anything at all

There's nothing you can do
Nothing you can say
To slow or brighten or stop
This ******* day

Unless you can fix me
Don't say I'll be okay

How strange it is
To bear witness
To see inside
Someone's mind

But how stranger it becomes
When the mind
Has stagnated
In one single place

For so long

It is difficult now
To feel the empty woe in my chest
It is hard to imagine
My tumbling world of insignificant success

The distractions have grown
Covering and Overlapping
But theres is a faint noise in the back of my mind
Its the subtle tapping

"Here I am" It mocks
"Here I am to stay" But I continue to ignore
Hoping maybe one day it'll starve of deprivation
After all: Its food is attention

But I know It isn't gone
I know It won't just disappear
I wish It would leave me be
Things are good now, you see

Except for the little voice that whispers late at night
The one that taps
The one that mocks
I hope he knows, that I wont give in without a fight

But my fight is limited
and smaller it shrinks
I might have a chance
Or so I think

You know how you know
you're gone?

When the art you once indulged in
The beauty you once created
The things you once loved

are now things you can't stand

The sentences never flow the way I want them to
Much like my life never goes as planned
Just as my feelings never yeild to mind
Just as I never bow to pain

Don't stop fighting

I can no longer sit
and write
with ease

The stories of fear
were so alluring
I could read them
for eternity

But now they're nothing but
a tedious
chore

Reading in general
is
hard

The words lull me to sleep
and the story makes no
sense
at all

My dreams
have melted away
into a corner of my mind
that I don't dare

                                                           ­                                             touch

Nothing is exciting
Nothing brings me
smiles

I can feel the part of myself
that I was so sure of
slipping
through my fingers

Being torn away
by the cruel grasp
of
of


                                                   ­                                                  of what?


I
I don't know
but I desperately hold
whats left
with an iron grip

And I fear if I look
at what I have saved
Ill find a handful of


                                                            ­                                          Nothing

The only thing worse than bottling up the sadness
the anger
the frustration
and the pain

Is having many people be aware
but knowing in your heart that
not one of them really care

Your baffling dance was my sweet giggle
Your smile was mine
In the light, or in the dark
You were here

I want to dance in the light
knowing that you're right beside me
I want to feel the warmth of your hands
I want to reach out and touch you
Just to make sure you're real

And I do
And you're not

You disappear with the slightest touch
falling into fragments of my strongest dream
Your voice only echos in my mind
And I am alone

I am broken
beyond repair

And Here I Lay
Forced to the ground
Your absence will be the end of me
If I cannot rise

I was happy
I was happy
I was happy

was I not?

I was happy
I was happy

Or so I thought?

I was happy

perhaps I'm just caught

or



No,  I wasn't happy
I wasn't

I died that day
And have been dead since
Dead and alive
Rotting inside
Crying every second
With dry eyes

And no one cares
It's ok no one can fix it anyway
And even if they could I wouldn't let them
But I wish they wanted to
I wish

I want the sweet kiss that ends it all
I want cold fingers to take a tight grasp
And snap my life
In two

So that I can crumple to the ground
With a smile and resting eyes
Happy
Because I'm finally at peace
Finally I am at peace

Finally
If only I'd die
Finally I'd be
Finally

These words, they echo
They've already been thought before
I decide to feel instead of think
but emptying my mind is such a chore

These tears, they burn
They've already been shed
I cry instead of speak
it's all the emotion I have bled

These feeling, they hurt
They've already been felt
But I don't feel instead of do
Under the fire I just melt