I can't stop crying.
I don't know how I have any tears left.

Just give me you for a minute,
And I promise I'll try to be happy.

I hate you.
Because I love you.

Somewhere over the rainbow,
Maybe you'll understand.

I can't wait to get the **** out of this place.

Lifeless and tired,
my body raises from my seated position,
dragging my heavy feet with gentle footsteps into the washroom.
The cupboard is clear.
Free of any medication that will numb the pain for an hour or two.
But it's only an hour or two.
For an hour or two I'd be emotionless.
For an hour or two, I'd be sitting in my room, staring at the wall,
unable to write or even to think.
But after that hour or two,
the pain would be back.
It would rush into my body faster than I could ever rush my body in front of a car
It wouldn't bother to creep up on my innocent soul, readying itself to pounce.
It would just speed into me, slamming its breaks after I've been hit, only to make sure that I've been affected, before continuing its journey through my body.
My body that's been drained from all emotion would suddenly **** alive, feeling the burning venom of the pain searing through my veins.
What happened to the blood pumping through me, keeping me alive?
Oh right, it's gone, because so am I.

Don't ever let a boy trick you into falling in love.
Don't ever let a boy trick you into falling in love.
Don't ever let a boy trick you into falling in love.

You were gone,
And it was the time that I needed you most.

You'll only understand in my dreams.

Do you ever feel like
People are just annoyed at the fact that you exist?

Being alive and living are two very different things.

My body slowly wakes, taking a deep breath of oxygen to fill my lungs.
I try to reach my arms up to wipe my eyes, but my right arm doesn't move,
Because it's under your arm.
I slowly realize that I am engulfed in your body.
Your arms around me, on my waist, and tangled in my hair.
Your precious, sleeping face so beautiful.
Your fluttery eyelashes leaning against your cheeks,
Your hair in front of your forehead,
Your lips pursed the tiniest bit,
Your nostrils moving ever so slightly when you breathe.
Peacefully, your eyes flutter open, and your lips tug into a smile when you see me.
Your arm secures tighter on my waist, while your other hand softly rubs my back.
Our heads lean in, and our lips touch, ever so softly.
As soon as they move, you start to disappear.
You fade and fade and fade and fade, until you're gone.
There's no arm on my waist, no hand on my back or in my hair,
No eyelashes on your cheek,
Because your body is no longer there.
I am alone.

You say you don't want to hurt me.
But then, why do you do it?
You say you don't want to hurt me,
But you never spend time with me.
You say you don't want to hurt me,
But you stop replying out of nowhere.
You say you don't want to hurt me,
But you still don't consider anything that I've told you hurts me.
You don't consider the fact that I hate being ignored.
You don't consider the fact that I can't be spoken to in an angry tone.
You don't consider the fact that I'm sensitive.
You don't consider the fact that I'm not a toy.
If you don't want to hurt me,
Then why do you do it?

Mascara stained tears running down my cheeks as I cry.
My leg becoming numb from the constant shaking of my sobbing body.
My lungs, feeling empty, even when I take the biggest of gasps.
My body begging for air.
Begging for love.
Begging for a hug from someone, and encouraging words to fall from their lips, though it's covered up.
Begging for someone to tell me that I'll be alright.
Staring at my ceiling during the sleepless nights I encounter, though nobody knows.
My aching body, exhausted when I need to get ready to go out everyday, though it's covered up.
My pounding headache, and loss of concentration, covered up.
Nobody knows how I feel, because it's covered up.
My vulnerability hiding behind a sheer cover foundation layer of happiness.
Some see right through it, but you don't.
You force yourself to think I'm okay, when I'm not.
And then you try to force me too.

I'm done believing that you love me.
I'm done.
I'm done believing that you care about me.
I'm ******* done.
And I'm ******* done treating you like my everything when you don't even talk to me.
I'm done, until you actually start showing it.
Until your actions actually add up to your words, I don't trust you with my heart anymore.

I wonder if you ever think of me.
If when you're sitting alone, my face pops into your head.
I wonder if when you're watching TV,
Do you ever zone out and think of me?
Do you ever wonder what it'd be like to kiss me?
Or touch me?
Or want me to be yours?
Do you ever just look at a picture of me, and think, "Wow," like I do you?
Do you ever read our past conversations, just so you can feel like you're with me?
Are you ever afraid to send me a text, or ask me to hang out?
Do you ever have thoughts of holding me close, and whispering into my ear?
Do you ever do any of that?
Or is it just me?
That's what I fear.

My heart beats fast,
Hoping this feeling will last,
Remembering the last time,
That your lips were on mine.
Even if it was just a dream.

When you put your arms around me,
And you told me that you loved me.
Your voice, so sweet.
The comforting beat, of your heart distracting me.
Even if it was just a dream.

When I lay down at night,
And I shut my eyes,
Your face is all I see.
Even in my sleep.
Your big brown eyes, sparkling smile,
It's everything I need.
Even in my dreams.

she's begging to be set free,
begging to be released into the world of love, lust, desire.
begging to be liberated from the steel bars that her ribs have become.
her heart, longing to feel more than numbness,
longing for passion,
longing for tenderness that she had never understood.

to know the story behind the eyes of he who will shove her feeble heart back into her dungeon of desolation.

I haven't spoken to you in 53 hours and 22 minutes.
And that hurts.
I don't want to speak to you first, because you're making no effort to talk to me,
So why should I make an effort to talk to you?
Why should I make an effort to nurture you and care for you when you have full days of nothing to do, but you don't even say hello.
5 little letters that mean nothing to you, but mean so much to me.
When you say hello, it means I've crossed your mind.
It means you want to speak to me.
It means you want my effort, because you're willing to give yours.
But I guess I haven't crossed your mind in 53 hours and 24 minutes, because there's still not
A single **hello.

It hurts.
It hurts so much to see you in the halls
to see those piercing eyes and gorgeous smile
directed at her.

Do you go to bed thinking about her?
Do you wake up hoping she's still awake for you to talk to?
Do you get excited when you talk to her?
Does she make you happy?
Do you think about her when you’re with your friends?
Do you want to talk to her always?
Do you wish she was sleeping there next to you?
Do you wish you could cuddle with her and hold her?
Do you care about her as much as you said you cared about me?
Do you love her?

You handed me hope like it was a gift from god.
But you tore it straight from my fingertips the second I needed it.

The mascara runs down my cheeks as I cry.
All that I want, is you by my side.
The one that I love, and the one that I need.
But you're also the one, who doesn't need me.
You care for me, and treat me like gold.
But I'm not enough, and suddenly, I'm old.
I'm not a new girl you can love and adore,
Just that old chick, who's feelings are torn.
I sit in my room, upon my bed,
wondering how to rid you from my head.
Though I beg of myself, to let go and move on
My heart chooses otherwise, and my sane thoughts are gone.

I feel like I can't talk to you anymore.
It's the first time I've spoken to you in a week and that hurts.
It hurts that you haven't sent me a text since Sunday.
Have I not even crossed your mind?
Because you were on mine every second of every minute of every hour of every day.
I feel so awkward.
I want to tell you I miss you and I love you and it hurts that you haven't thought of me.
But I can't.
I can't tell you how I feel.
I can't tell you anything anymore.
Because it feels like you don't want to hear it.

It's been five days.
And you're still on my mind.
I know I should just get over it and move past it,
But I can't.
I can't get you out of my head.
I can't get the image of you holding me, out of my head.
I can't forget the feelings I have.
I can't forget about how much I love you.
I can't forget about how much you mean to me.
I can't help thinking about her.
The next girl you'll kiss.
And how she won't be me.
I just can't forget.

I hate you because I love you too much.
But I love you too much to ever hate you.
So I take it back.
But at the same time I don't.

A flood of guilt just rushed through my veins, practically drowning me in the emotion.
I stopped in my tracks, realizing what I had just done.
I had just jeopardized everything.
I knew how I felt towards you, but now I knew that it didn’t matter how much I tried to convince you.
At this point, after doing what I did, there was no chance you would ever take me back.
And that stung.
I felt like a bee had just jabbed its stinger into the scrapes caused by the ton of bricks that had just fallen on top of me.
There was no way out of this mess I made for myself. But the saying goes, you make your bed, you lie in it.

I made that bed in May.
I made that bed when my idiotic self went back to the guy who tried to breakdown my relationship, and eventually reached his goal.
I’ve been sleeping in the bed of thorns that was once made of roses, for the past four months, and I’m sick of it.
I can’t go on feeling like I’ve shattered the glass that is my heart, even though that is exactly what I did.
I didn’t realize what an incredible person I had, until they were gone.
It took me a day or two, but by the time I fully realized what I had lost, it was too late.

Much that once was, was lost.
My emotions that suddenly roared back to life in my brain, had dulled in yours, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I couldn’t kiss you back to life, the way it happens in Disney movies.
I couldn’t talk my way out of the situation, like I do when I don’t do my homework.

It was more complicated than that.
It wasn't just me anymore.
There was a whole other person, who’s feelings had to be taken into consideration.
And at that moment, I understood.
I could comprehend that you weren’t into it anymore.

But now, it's different.
It's different in the way that I can’t handle this anymore.
I’ve tried to make it seem like I don't care anymore.
I’ve been with other guys.
But it just feels wrong.
I miss you.
And you need to know that, as soon as possible.
You need to know that I care.

I care so much that I can’t bare to see you with Mary Jane every chance you get.
I care so much that I cant contain my smile every time I notice you in a crowd.
I care so much that hugging you has the potential to
Make.
My.
Day.
Maybe that sounds crazy, but at this point, I care so much that I don’t even care.

Even though I miss you, I still would rather you as a friend than nothing at all.
But wanting you as a friend doesn’t mean that the part of me wishes there were more doesn't exist.
A part of me- a big part of me wishes for nothing but to go back to the night of semi-formal, when I realized that I had feelings for you.
I wish I could go back to that night, when I came into the kitchen and you stopped mid sentence. I wish you would look at me the way you looked at me that night, again.
I wish I could go back to the night you asked me out, and relive it over again too.  To hear you say, "My god, you're so beautiful," just once more.
I wish I could go back in time to the night we cuddled in that bed, or the day of our first kiss.
I wish so badly that I could go back to being able to wrap my arms around your neck and pull you close, to kiss your soft lips again, even if it was just for a moment.

That part of me aches when I see you.
I feel it.
I feel it all the time.
I feel it when I see you, and I feel it right now.
It’s the left side of my chest, filled with anxiety and care and emotion and love.
It’s my heart.
My beating heart that I’m so glad still is beating because I would miss you if it wasn’t.

I would miss seeing your eyes light up when you get intrigued.
I would miss the overwhelming scent of your cologne whenever I see you, and how it takes so much out of me to keep up with you when we’re walking, because your legs are so much longer than mine.
I would miss talking to you, hearing your philosophies and views on life.
I would miss everything.
And I do miss everything, because right now, my heart feels numb.

But when I’m with you, it beats a mile a minute.
It’s like you’re the trigger to my heart that sets off the wild butterflies in my stomach, and the dizziness in my head.
I can barely focus around you anymore, because all I want is to lay next to you and breathe.
I couldn’t care if it was silent or if there was no dead air.
Because I would be with you, and that’s all that matters.

I would give anything to lay next to you on your John Doe scented sheets,
and stare up at your white pop corn ceiling.
I usually don't like pop corn ceilings.
But when its yours, it doesn't matter.
Because I like you, and that's all that does.

The last time she said "I love you"
there was silence.

He said nothing.

And with the nothing he said, her world came tumbling down even further than it had already been.
He manipulated her,
He used her,
He disrespected her,
He belittled her.

He hurt her time and time again, but she was so in love with the idea of love that she kept coming back for more.
She didn't care that he didn't care about her.
She craved his touch, she craved his affection, and she would get it.
Only to be pushed away one final time, and realize love wasn't all it was made out to be.

The last time she said "I love you"
the silence broke her.

No wonder she's afraid of saying it to you.

I love you a lot.
Whether you do or don't have hair,
Whether you weigh 90 lbs or 200 lbs,
Whether you get straight A's or straight D's,
Because in the end,
None of that matters.

What really matters is what's inside.
How much you care about people,
And everything around you.
How loving, and sweet you are,
To everyone.
Whether you know them or not.

So when I tell you I love you,
Know that your outside is super cute too,
But it's the inside that I love.
It's your inside that is my favourite.
And by inside I don't mean your intestines,
I mean your heart. <3

If you cared, you wouldn't have left me so abruptly.
But you did.
So you don't.

I'm sorry for thinking that you didn't love me anymore.

I remember a time,
Where I didn't know right from wrong.
Where I would wear an orange top with a bright green skirt, because I liked it.
Where I didn't know how much people would be worth to me.
A time when everything was simple.
Pure.
A time when I didn't know of crime,
And I thought the entire world was the country I lived in.
The only people in the world were my family and my other little friends and teachers.
I had a cat,
And I loved her dearly,
I never knew that one day I wouldn't have her anymore.
I had a grandfather,
And I loved him dearly,
I never knew that one day I wouldn't have him anymore, either.
I would pick up dandelions,
And place them carefully in my hair, behind my ear.
Because they were pretty.
I remember a time when everything was sweet,
No tears, unless I fell off a swing and scraped my knee.
There was no sorrow.
No tomorrow.
Only today.
It was simple, it was sweet.
I was innocent.

I think I'm crazy when I count how many words I've written,
but I can't tell if I can't count, or if I'm just too exhausted to see.
When finally, all of the sleepless nights and tiring days catch up to me.
When I fall asleep in class because I can't fall asleep at home.
What if someone is in my house?
What if someone breaks into my house?
What if I don't wake up again?
When I actually contemplate going to sleep, because I don't want to wake up the next morning.
I want to take a chance and see what will happen, because I'm sick of waiting and I'm sick of being scared.
When my fear of what happens in the night while I'm not awake stops me from closing my eyes for more than five seconds,
Not allowing me to enter my peaceful world of dreams where all I dream about is that first kiss with you,
Even though
I know that it will never happen.
But then it catches up to me.
It hits me when I least expect it.
The warm wave of exhaustion covers me like my blanket does to my sleepless body at night.

I wish you could just open up your ******* gorgeous eyes, and see what's right in front of you.
I wish you could give me your beautiful heart, like I've given you mine, and let me nurture and care for it.
I wish you could close your eyes, letting your long eyelashes flutter against your cheek, and see an image of us, happily holding hands as we walk through a park.
I wish you could let me take your tan face in my hands, and let me kiss you.
I wish you could open up your fragile heart, to someone who will love it, as it needs.
I wish you could open up your genius of a mind, to the thought of loving a girl who won't deliberately hurt you.
I wish you could hold me, and just love me the way I love you.

Just let me ******* kiss you.
Please.
Just once.
Just so I can savour the taste of your lips, for one moment.
Just so I can feel what I've longed to feel from you.
For one moment.
So I can wrap my arms around your neck and run my fingers through your hair.
For maybe more than a moment.
But let me show you the way I want to love you.
Just for one moment.

I sit in my room,
Remembering all the good times.
The times when you held my hand.
The times when you hugged me out of nowhere.
The times when we listened to music together,
Or when we had deep talks at night.
The moments when you'd secure your arms around me and hold me tight.
Like I was the only thing you needed in that moment.
When you played with my fingers, gawking at how small they were, compared to yours.
When you would rub my thigh while we sat in comfortable silence.
When you would make me feel like I was the only thing that mattered.
When you would tell me to sing for you, because you liked the sound of my voice.
When you would calm me down while I was nervous.
When you kissed the top of my head to say goodbye.
When you told me I smelled good, and it made me feel so great, even though it was a mere compliment on my scent.
I think of all those times, and then I think of what you've said tonight.
I'm like a sister.
I'm a best friend.
I'm cute, and I'm sweet but you just don't feel the same way.
"Please don't be hurt"
How could I not be?
How could I be okay?
After all that I've felt, in such a short time.
It's just.. Done..
It's just over.
I'm happy to have you as a friend, rather than nothing at all.
But I want to kiss you.
So badly, that you don't even know.

When I looked into his eyes, I saw an incredible blue green ocean of a human being.
A human being who cared.
A human being who no matter what, would always be there.
When I looked into his eyes, I saw a beautiful iris full of thoughts and desires, begging to be let out into the free world.
Gentle thoughts.
Pleasant thoughts.
Desires that would make me jump with glee.
I saw beauty.
I saw passion.
I saw a man, who was as strong as a lion but soft as a flower.
A man who could protect me.
A man who could laugh with me.
A man who could love me.
I saw a stunning picture of him and I, smiling, holding each other as we did, being so comfortable.
So happy.
He was the man who cared.
But now he’s the man who left.
When I look into his clear, grey tinged eyes, I see a boy.
A little boy.
A little boy who hides from the truth.
A little boy who will lie to you.
Who will tell you what you want to hear, so he doesn’t have to deal with the consequences,
Though he has no issue telling others.
A little boy who left you alone out in the cold, because he felt that he was responsible for keeping you warm,
And that was too much to ask from him.
Even after months of you saying to him that you were fine on your own.
That you didn’t need help.
Prince Charming turned out to be the villain.
That beautiful man was a lie all along.
He never really cared.
Because if that man who cared about me so much was true,
It wouldn’t matter that we broke up 9 months ago.
He wouldn’t leave me in the dark, while he soaked up the light.
It wouldn’t matter if we decided to stay friends, or if we decided to leave each other.
He would still care.
It wouldn't matter that we did decide to stay friends.
He wouldn’t feel as if it were a responsibility to care about me.
He just would.
And that man who he was before, seemed like he genuinely did.
But  just like everything else, that was a lie too.

You chase after me as I run towards the light.
You're panting, worrying where my rushing body is headed.
You catch up to me and pause abruptly.
Your jaw drops in awe, gaping at the sight before you.
You see myself, in a white dress, skipping through the field of sunflowers and daisies.
You walk over to me, grasping my hand and smiling at me.
I look at you with a grin and point to a particular daisy on the ground.

"I love that one." I say quietly.

"So pick it up." You respond.

I shake my head quickly.

"Why not?" You ask.

"Because when you love something, let it be. For love is a feeling, not a possession."

"Oh." You reply.

"That's why I've never kissed you. Just because I love you doesn't mean that I need to have you." I shrugged.

Your eyes widen in shock, never having never heard me say those words before.

"But I need to have you," you whisper, gently tilting my head up to reach yours kissing my lips ever so softly and gently.

You say that you love me.
But I know it isn't true.
For you only say you love me,
Because I say that I love you.

As he kissed her forehead,
He heard her thoughts yell out
"I love you."
And even though he said otherwise,
His thoughts yelled out the same.

Last night,
I thought of you.
Touching me, kissing me.
Making me yours.
Last night,
I thought of you.
Your body moving with mine
Like a machine.
Last night,
I thought of you.
Your lips touching skin,
And your hands revealing me.
Our hands discovering each other's bodies.
Is it bad,
That last night,
At midnight,
All I wanted was you.

My bible is the lyrics of the song
My dance is the movement of the melody in the song.
My language is the distinct sound of each note playing in the air of the song.
My oxygen is the tone of the voice.
My emotions are the pace of the breath in the song.
My love is the writer of the song.
My life is a song.
And my religion is the music.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have bad gas,
So I'll **** on you.

When you put your hand over your closed eye,
And you can feel your eye moving underneath your heavy fingers,
It reminds me of the fact that my brittle heart can still beat,
Under the weight of the thick venom all around it.

Why do you pretend to love me?
Why do you pretend to care?
Don't you know that it hurts,
Because now, you're never there.
You're never there to talk to,
Or see,
Or hug,
Or love,
You're gone.
You lied.
You don't love me anymore.

You never really know how being completely unloved feels,
Until you go to someone crying,
And they don't even reply.

She runs her hands through your hair from underneath you as your hands caress her waist.
Her tongue draws back as just your lips collide once more.
Your hands press into her hips, holding her in place as you trail slow, gentle kisses along her neck.
Her breath hitches as you kiss her, stopping on particular places to leave a mark.
Your lips attach to hers quickly, flipping yourselves over so that she's on top of you.
You caress her gently, like she's the only person you need.
But why can't she be me?

You were attracted to me.
You came CLOSE to wanting me.
Why didn't you get there?
Why didn't you explore those attractions and lustful thoughts?
I would've if I knew you didn't mind.
And I sure didn't mind.
How did you come CLOSE to wanting to love me and hold me and touch me?
How close did you come?
How far away were you?
Was there anything I could've done to pull you closer?
Was there something I did to push you away?
You say, "but now I'm just not attracted"
Did you just wake up one day and think differently?
Did you just flip a switch and not want to love me the way you almost did?
I have so many questions for you.
But I'll never ever be able to ask them.

Winter never meets summer.
Summer never meets winter.
You've all found someone better.
she has him and her.
she has her and him and her.
he has her and her, who I wish he didn't have because I'd prefer it if he had me.
he has everyone under his spell.
she has her and her.
she has her and him.
Everyone has someone better.
And I have no one.

Sometimes words just come out of me.
And sometimes they fit together,
But sometimes they're just the broken puzzle pieces that make up my life.