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8.1k · Oct 2018
I'm not strong
Yanamari Oct 2018
When people tell me
That I'm strong
I'm beautiful
I'm amazing...
I don't feel anything.
Tell me these things
When I cry about the pain
That has lasted me years,
When I'm up at night
Even when I'm lacking sleep,
And
When I'm expected to smile
My whole life when I don't feel your warmth.

This ice palace I reside in,
Is it my lifeline?
Because if it is
Wouldn't it be better if
It melted?

All these moments
Have become entangled
And the momentary lapses
Irregular,
My world all
Grey
And
I just can't do this.

But my calls are stuck
In my throat.
I'm frozen.
I'm not resilient.
It's taking me so long
So long
To stand up.
And my heart is giving up
It's beat
Fading.
...
3.0k · Apr 2016
Trust
Yanamari Apr 2016
The roots of trust are entwined in a soil of dependence.
The roots depend on the strength and warmth of the soil to provide nourishment.
Without dependence, trust begins to shrivel and fade,
it's roots slipping out of the loosened hold of the soil,
The plant falling,
lying alone in the cold shadows of the sun's rays.

To try to place it's roots back into soil can decay the plant further,
To try to hold up the plant without soil whilst being surrounded by nourished plants is even greater torture.
Almost any attempt is proven futile.

The only attempt one may make to have the plant to stand again is to find a very special soil.
One that meets the needs of the plants.
Soil that is willing to attend to the plant whenever the plant requires it,
to make sure trust doesn't wither in confusion,
to make sure that trust...
that trust doesn't suffer one time more.
2.3k · Oct 2018
I'm not your first priority
Yanamari Oct 2018
There's a reason
To everything I do.
Whether it be
Not smiling at you
Distancing myself from you or
Not liking you...
There's a reason.
I'm not your first priority.
Not even when I'm the
Only person
You need to focus on.
I'm not your first priority
When no one else is around
And
I never will be.
So don't pretend like I am.
Don't lie to my face.
Don't think everyone will like you
Just because you like to show them
Your enthusiasm
As if you're their Sun.
*******.

Be honest with me
Be truthful
And work from there.
I tried to do that with you but...
I'm not your first priority
...
The Aura Series: III
2.1k · Sep 2017
Plague and it's friend
Yanamari Sep 2017
Crack*
The mirror broke.
And such a thing, although inevitable,
Tainted my vision,
And stole my hope.
I lost my smile,
When, what I had was lost.
Irreparable,
Irreplaceable,
Overwhelmingly...
Untraceable.
­
Over time the pain faded
And was replaced anew,
Increasingly constant,
Blindening,
Suffocating.

Crack
Another's mirror broke
And the innocent pain, revived,
Gifted my mind,
With the cracked
Memory of my mirror.
1.5k · Sep 2018
Drowning soaring
Yanamari Sep 2018
How high can I fly
Before I fall?

A question, from my lips
You'll never recall.
For in whatever you may call
My life
I had always been drowning
Every smile
Laced with misery
Every connection
Developed from my energy
Every word
Every word
Full of honesty

You know
The reason why
You see me there
Everywhere
And yet
I am always not there
Is because
With every interaction
That I make
There is nothing that is shared
Only held
And then abandoned.

How high can I fly
Before I fall?

The question is easily answered.
I am already drowning
Drowning in everywhere I am
And everywhere I am not.
The real question is,
How long
And when,
Til I land?
1.5k · Jan 2017
Soil
Yanamari Jan 2017
Land starts off muddy,
Full of nutrients.
There are no tufts of green.
Just the rich soil.

The soil is slowly infected,
Bright green grass spreads on its surface.
The soil loses part of its nutrients.

The grass loses its colour.
The soil begins to dry up.

The soil hardens, filled with cracks.
1.4k · Sep 2018
Beady eyes
Yanamari Sep 2018
Artificial, superficial
Smiles, laughs and riddles.
All riddles.
Anything out of your mouth,
Through your eyes,
Through those hands
Filling me with doubt.

Can I have something good?
Am I allowed to?
This race course that I've jumped into
I've sped up way too fast.
Slow down crash.
Speed up crash.

Artificial, superficial,
Why did I ask you to let down your hair?
I look up and I see someone foreign
Claiming that if I climb
I'd get closer to her?
Right...
Your smile foreboding
Your eyes beady
Open your mouth
Flickering fork so needy
Right..
Artificial,
Insincerity in that 'interested' gaze
Superficial,
Those lips stretched wide
Plastered on your face
It only makes sense that when you laugh
I don't give a sh
Right.

Artificial...
Superficial...
That's all you'll ever seem,
In my eyes.
The Aura Series: I
1.4k · Nov 2018
Pained words
Yanamari Nov 2018
Pained words
Heard at night,
Words rewind
Replay
Repeat, overlay
Become twisted
In the middle of the night.

Pained words
Twisted in the morning
Heard, back turned,
Nothing but empty tears

Pained words
Unshared
Interested and
Harmless.
1.2k · Jan 2017
Wooden carving
Yanamari Jan 2017
I found a carving made of wood
A carving I made and
Never really understood
The shape was awfully made
And yet at the time
Emitted an aura that felt good
The raw quality,
The way light fell on it,
At the time I could only think
The carving was perfect,
The way that it stood.

I found a wood carving that I hid
Away from my mind
So that I could bid
Farewell to the misplaced notches and indents
That surfaced on the carving.
Why did I leave pieces here
And cut off parts there?
What experience did I have in carving
Such an obscene piece?
Of myself, the carving, I would rid
But if only I could
Forget what I did
What I carved
What I was amid
But I cannot

The reason I didn't understand
The decisions I made
Was because
I understood the decisions I made.
There are parts to this poem drafted in my mind and yet I carved them. I consider reattaching them but what effect will that have to my misshapen poem?
1.1k · May 2016
What hurts most
Yanamari May 2016
When you entrust someone with something,
anything,
personal...
What hurts most is
When they use that part of you to strike you,
As if it hadn't hurt you enough already.

When you tell a person something,
anything,
personal...
Expecting them to understand and
Help you
What hurts most is
When they hear it all and don't understand

When you are confused about something,
anything
personal...
Confused so much that it hurts,
And you feel like you need to tell someone,
What hurts most is
Holding it in

What has the potential to hurt most is what you decide for yourself.
1.1k · Apr 2017
The universe within me
Yanamari Apr 2017
I stare into the clouded night sky
That shines the light of the sun on the clouds
Via the moon that orbits the Earth
Continuously
Round and round
Held in by
Just the right amount
Of gravity.
Nothing more,
Nothing less.

I am the moon
That moves on continuously
Seeking something more
But spending time frivolously.
Not moving forward
Or backward
But
Riding a course almost effortlessly
Weighing the balance of my course
On the moment and not
Resisting the force of the Earth.

I am the Earth
Attracting nothing useful to myself
Losing my health exponentially
My skin scars grow deeper
With the pollution of the bacteria
Ever multiplying
Not even their deaths diminishing
The pain of my barrier being torn
By my internal conflict
And I...
Just float.
Orbiting a greater body than I.

I am the sun
Feeling not the heat that is embedded
Within me
I question
If I can really feel anymore
Even though my skin is warm
My core still fusing,
Beating,
Emotions clashing within me
So much so that my body
Distances its core
From the surface
And I forget to worry
If...
I expand so far
And then collapse
Into myself
And become a void
******* in emotions
Numbly
Because I lost what was left of me.

I am the universe
Full of mystery
Full of dark shades
And galaxies plenty
Many planets,
Stars and satellites
That whirl and whirl
Into sight
Or disappear in a black hole.
I am the universe
That continues to expand
Stretching
Straining
Out of hand
Continuing on
Because I can
And this universe
This body is not mine
I cannot end it
At least,
It has not expended enough
To implode
Nor do I want it to
By the will that subconsciously
Remains within me.
1.1k · May 2016
Purpose
Yanamari May 2016
Losing your sense...
Of         purpose
  Is ..       .
Painfully painless

Why is ..     .... . that
so?
A contradictory  statement.
Because...
To lose someone or something
   dear to you                                  
is painful
And
to lose hope or devotion to something or someone
Is
Also
Painful
And yet...                                 .     .             ...
And yet
With the meldin..g
Of these two heart pieces
Pain becomes painless,
And even so,
Painlessness is a state
That a purposeless person
Never achieves.
1.1k · Apr 2017
Sky painting
Yanamari Apr 2017
If I could paint the skies
I would paint it with the links of my mind
I would paint it with cyans and magentas and limes
Reds and oranges and yellows
Blacks and greys and white
All sorts of colours
I would paint it with sorrow and happiness alike
I would paint it with the voice of my soul alight
I would paint the sky with my emptiness...
And the result
Would be the same night sky I see.
Stars shining bright
No hint of any other colour but
The midnight painted with white spots.
Galaxies invisible
Shooting stars veiled
The moon irrepressible
The stars afield
Their lights not powerful
But gentle on the eyes
Caressing the soul
Of the weary and tired.

If I could paint the skies...
And if only I could,
I would paint it all colours alike
With a thick paintbrush
Soaked in a water airy as can be...
But, that is,
If only.
There is actually an alternate to this poem, a darker alternate stained in red. But people can only see what they want to see...
1.0k · Sep 2017
Night clouds
Yanamari Sep 2017
A cube exists around me.
A cube of darkness closing in,
A cube of walls unknown;
Walls that are endless and confining.
A cube isolated and alone.

A cube of turbulent motionlessness,
Intertwining in my veins,
A cube of perpetual poisoning,
A cube of living death.

Light does not enter it,
Nor does it escape.
Rather, it is ****** in,
And implodes at sanity's end.
1.0k · Jul 2018
Goodbye?
Yanamari Jul 2018
Not even a chance to say the basic
Goodbye
Stopped me mid-sentence before I could ask
Why
Raised your barriers and pushed me away, unable to
Vie
Called you a million times and now my eyes are
Dry
If this was to be the outcome, that first time we met, I wouldn't have said
Hi

Or so I say,
When I have a feeling why you would lie
Pulling off a stunt to raise the barriers high
But these barriers aren't around me
They're around you
So please, don't make these barriers your way of saying
Goodbye.
I don't even know what to feel...
1.0k · Nov 2018
Al_n_?
Yanamari Nov 2018
Bring it on
I will fight
Let your words loose upon my
Infant heart
Whip and whip again
Gaze at me with your
Estranged lens
Leave me to fend for myself
Let me hurt
Whether or not I shall rise again
I will be the victor
Of my end

My dreadful..
Dreadful
End...

Be gentle
Show me your hand

Be gentle...
Lighten your gaze and
Uncloud your lens
Let me love you
Before the end..

For estranged
With estranged
From estranged
988 · Apr 2016
To fly...
Yanamari Apr 2016
I spread my wings to fly,
Singing to fly,
Wishing to fly,
To be free of imprisonment,
Free of this environment.

I spread my wings to fly,
Beginning to fly,
Grinning to fly,
Hoping for a new world,
A new world of hope.

I spread my wings to fly,
To fly up and high,
Not feeling a sigh,
Escaping my lips.
Not thinking this was another painted fib.

I spread my wings to fly,
Now realising the true colours of the sky,
A beautiful elegant blue,
Not just full of life,
But full of stinging frosts and shrieking swords...

I spread my wings to fly,
But am I really flying?
Am I really flying if I am as I was before?
I spread my wings to fly,
But in reality... I never even left the earth.
936 · Jul 2015
Pulled into darkness
Yanamari Jul 2015
I try to see the light but the darkness pulls me deeper and deeper. I know there's an end but it isn't coming and I reach for the rope as it becomes more distant but I'm not strong enough. As I am pulled away the light begins to diminish and I can only lose hope.

I try and I try as if I vie but it's as if it's all a lie. And I cry as I die from the pain and disdain, caused by all of that which surrounds me, and the way in which I chose to see...
You see the pain never stops and it just keeps coming as I lie helpless as the bullets keep coming and numbing, numbing my body...
My body... I begin to question if I can really see the light as it all seems like a lie and life only wishes to see me lie, lie lifeless on a cold solid ground and cry, cry for my mind which is now dead... and all I can do is lie motionless as I am pulled deeper into the murky depths away from the light that I seem to see
910 · Apr 2019
Gaze
Yanamari Apr 2019
In bringing to light
The darkness that surrounds us,
I understood more about you.
In the things that you do for me and
The way that you treat me.
I had always questioned why you did
What you did;
Was it an act of indebt?
I want your sincerity
Something that I've never really felt deeply...

Thank you for these acts.
I hope that you reach a point of sincerity
So that in the future,
I can understand why I was willing to be
Close by as you
Tread at a distance lightly.
One instance that I do remember that I was closer to feeling a person's sincerity towards me was when I was told that I influenced a person to step out of their bubble. I'm thankful that this person told me even though I don't fully understand how.

The Aura Series: IV
858 · Sep 2015
Forget
Yanamari Sep 2015
I'd forgotten..
Forgotten everything...
And the pain of forgetting
Forgetting everything..
Was just too **** great
And as I sit trying to remember,
Trying to remember even just a bit
I'm surrounded by cries and shrieks of judgement
Slicing my heart
So that no more can I remember
And no more can I stop the pain and confusion
from seeping into my
mind, heart and soul.
826 · Sep 2015
Change
Yanamari Sep 2015
Things are not as they used to be...
I feel I've become something more
Something more than what I used to be
As if something's changed
Even though nothing seems to have?
The petals are slowly falling
Their fall almost contradicting
The cause of their fall...
And as I stare,
Not at the petals
But into the dark abyss that they are enveloped by,
I'm left wondering
What is left of me,
And what I've lost....
817 · Feb 2016
Dissolution
Yanamari Feb 2016
Day passes on to night,
Night passes on to day,
Every second that passes
Witnesses my heart's decay.

My heart lost in its previous agony
Sheds tears of sedation,
Numbing its own passions,
To forget its almost amputation.

My heart has suffered many losses,
So my brain continually consoles it,
My soul now conflicted,
As to how they should together truly fit.

My heart and mind have lost their balance,
Lost their ability to function and thrive,
Together as a partnership,
Under the observance of my soul's derive.
778 · Sep 2018
It's raining outside
Yanamari Sep 2018
I hear the rain outside my window
Sudden
Like the thoughts of my mind;
Like a dam burst, they flow
Continuously fluctuating
They only pile and grow
The thoughts that continually seeded
Weave and grow
Too many stimuli
I am overwhelmed
Too much
For me to even think that I know
To even think that I know anything
As dams burst left and right
The chaos caused is too thorough...
The chaos has spread too wide
And as the dam is about to burst
I open my eyes
And my soul is broken in half
In the dull echo
Of the chaos of the rain
Outside
Rain: I
753 · Aug 2015
Tired
Yanamari Aug 2015
Tired...
That's all I can say...
As I stare at nothing in particular everyday,
I mean won't it just ever go away?
Won't it just leave?
Won't it realise it's destroyed me enough?
Won't it just allow me to relieve?
Relieve all the wounds
From the poison flowing out,
The poison only continuing to sprout,
Disallowing the gashes to seal up again,
Draining the blood out of me to gain,
A sense of wholeness once more,
But I feel that I know that I will forever lay sore...
forevermore.
748 · Aug 2015
Gone
Yanamari Aug 2015
My emotions, easily swayed...
My heart, easily frayed...
My mind, overpowering, confused,
Conflicting, raw, my soul... diffused...

I lay there, dazed, alone,
My eyes dart, tired, no moan
Escapes my lips, as the shadows encompass my soul,
I lay there, limp, thoughtless, imprisoned in the body of a doll.

I stand, eyes unfocused, the days flitting by,
My eyes are still, I cannot cry.
No tears are left, no tears reside,
In the empty body of the doll aside....

Dyed... tainted,
Blind.
744 · Feb 2016
Shocking crash
Yanamari Feb 2016
You know, when you witness a car crash in full motion,
It's abruptness shakes you out of your core,
Because when cars crash on the news you only see the commotion,
Not the fragility of the moving bodies which you would never have accounted for.

You witness the horrible instantaneous compression of the car's crumple zone,
Not shown in the news reports which you usually seem to know.

You hear a sudden shriek that cries for your attention,
Not heard of in the news reports which don't describe the dreadful throe.

You feel a sudden atmosphere of sharp confusion,
Conflicting with any atmosphere you previously used to know.

The disparity of these situations is quite familiar, you know,
Something not unheard of, as many of us know,
Like the sudden moments we're frozen in time trying to start forward again,
After colliding, breaking our hopes and dreams, confused as to how to move forward again.
706 · Sep 2015
Breaking
Yanamari Sep 2015
My heart, even though already dust,
Somehow continues to break...
And it hurts!
It ****** **** as heck hurts...
And tears seem to be flowing from my dried eyes,
As if my eyes were not dry at all.
The millions of pieces of my heart scrape at my innards,
Almost forcing me to scream,
But I make sure barely a whisper moves out of my lips.
Not because I'm afraid to, but rather I prefer to keep it to myself.
Because no person's there for me anymore...
699 · Jul 2016
Pain
Yanamari Jul 2016
Pain
A shackle of inhibition
Thorns of indecision
The indecision of the conflict in one's mind.

Pain
A sword of intemperate ice
Slicing left and right
Asking for naught yet aiming
To be a solace after 101 strokes

Pain
A mere matter of perspective
A sheer term of conditions
A tear to join a million
A comfort or a torture?
689 · Dec 2016
Numb thoughts
Yanamari Dec 2016
Suffocated.
The first.
Dry ice.
The second.
Drifting aimlessly.
The last.

These feelings inside me,
They numb me further.
Numb me into a permanent pain.
As I try to turn around
The last
I fall deeper into the numbness of emptiness.

What is truly satisfying?
What is satiable for one's soul?
Is there truly such a thing?
That can embrace one's soul and leave it asking for nothing more?

Is it because I'm too sensitive?
Or are my expectations too high?
Short excerpt of my thoughts.
657 · Dec 2018
Entitled
Yanamari Dec 2018
And so you deny our pain.
Our struggle
In vain?
Yes, thank you for your input;
Just another voice
In the body of the miser,
In the sea of misery...

And in your voice as you speak,
Is the lack of resonance and luster;
Of a voice that utters merely
What it seeks.
Lay down those baseless words
And let them rebound off of the
Words that resound
And leave you ashamed and meek.

Unfeeling you are in your entity
Unseeing you are in your memory
And if I was to be asked of you,
I'd return the favour;
Sans memory of your entity.

You never see us drowning,
So why should you see us succeeding.
Could've been more poetic but eh
651 · Jul 2018
Unspoken words
Yanamari Jul 2018
These words that flow
Around my mind,
I try to appreciate,
I try to confide
These words with
My dear ones,
But often they are toxic
And burn
At the corner of my eyes.

These words that flow
Into my ears
Slowly fade into
My love and fears
Melding with the foundations that prop me up
These foundations constantly amalgamating
With the words of the surrounding world.

These words that flow
Into my eyes
Slowly pull me... aside
Deeper into
The darkness of my fears
Slowly into
A cold
Cold abyss.

And where your light shines
I'd hope to smile
But my smile is hidden
In the words
Left unspoken
Floating around my mind
Flowing in the cold of my eyes.
I'd tell you but... I'm afraid.
635 · Jul 2016
What am I really inside?
Yanamari Jul 2016
What am I really inside?
I claim to understand myself
To know why I cry
Why I laugh
Why I lie
And yet...
And yet
Something doesn't sit right with me
Inside...

Maybe I know myself
Maybe I do
And yet
And yet...
The conflict inside me tells me I'm wrong
That I only know my outside
Just like I know of the people around me.

What do I want?
What do I need?

What do I want...
I cannot read deep into myself
What do I need...
I cannot see what twirls in my inner depths
Why can't I...?
Was I ever really meant to be able to read into my dark and lonely depths?
With a character like mine who wishes to live in the light
Can I really see into my darkness?
605 · Jul 2015
Taut
Yanamari Jul 2015
My wrists are tied to individual ropes
The ropes are taut and hold up my body
My head lays limp...
My legs hang swaying...
And my eyes are beginning to lose sight.
The ropes keep getting reeled in
And my arms...
My arms are slowly losing sense
Slowly losing sense...
As they are
Slowly
Ripped
Off and out of my
Torso.


But I don't scream.
As my arms are stretched further away
Further away
From my heart and my brain
I don't scream.
As my heart becomes numb and my mind slowly loses its voice.
I don't scream.
As my ears become powerless.
I
Don't
Scream...
I
Don't....
Scream
But...
But I whisper...
And each word echoes off of the cool grey cobblestones that rise over me
No person hears my whispers...
Not anymore.
No person can see me..
Not anymore.
And slowly... slowly...
I am forgotten,
As my arms begin to lose their cohesion
And my joints begin to dislocate...
And my eyes become blind.
And my ears become deaf.
And my heart and mind stop.

My arms are final ripped off of my body.
My body falls
Through the air...
And remains,
In a state of falling...
600 · Oct 2018
Genuine words
Yanamari Oct 2018
The relentless
Ingenuine serenades,
Empty
Swirling around my ears
As I try
To encompass
Your entirety,
What energy we share
For your tireless
Unfelt soothsaying
To pile around
Unreceived.

Serenade me,
Whether we share or not,
For I will let peel
The layers of your serenade
And watch
As the energy unveils.
But know that when
Your words are empty,
You should leave.
Because I'm
Beginning to have enough.
The Aura Series: II
600 · Sep 2015
Can I?
Yanamari Sep 2015
Can I tell you what it means?
To be failing at my dreams?
Can't you see that pains me as I fall,
Fall into a concentrated fog.

As my life takes a sudden turn again by the will of my Lord,
I'm forced on my knees begging for more,
For more of His aid as I am shaken to the core,
My heart cracking at
My mind's sudden clarity.

The winds have changed,
My life rearranged,
The sudden turn awakening,
Awakening my mind.

My mind attempts to gain control,
Losing balance in my unstable soul,
As over and through every space the wind does pass,
Forcing my mind to work fast.
My mind now trying harder at every new sound,
Trying to figure out what is profound,
Profoundly what is meant to be,
What is meant to be for me...

Can I tell you what it means,
What it means to be failing at my dreams?
Can't you see?
That it pains me as it all falls apart.
And slowly so too is my heart...

Can I tell you what it means?
As I train myself to smile,
Acting to those around me and beguile,
Beguile most who surround me to save myself from greater pain,
Protecting my heart from further strain.

As all this happens, as it all falls apart,
It separates the pieces of my heart
Falling apart...
Breaking my heart,
Ripping apart,
Turning to dust.
599 · Aug 2018
Drunk tired
Yanamari Aug 2018
Drunk.
On the thoughts occupying my mind,
Drunk.
On the preoccupations playing in front of my eyes,
Drunk.

Floating in my drunkenness...
My only wish
Does not exist.
Because,
Floating in the drunkenness of my pain has
Taken my awareness away.
Drunk.
592 · Apr 2017
Strings
Yanamari Apr 2017
I am surrounded by strings.
Strings I can see
And strings that I can't see
Strings that require effort
To reach
And strings that require
No effort at all.

As I lay,
In this woven world,
I hope to chance upon
The string I desire.
But is such a thing possible?
Or do I have to make my own?
How much strength do I need to achieve it?
...
What sort of strength do I need?

As I lay wasted,
Staring at the interlocked strings above,
I struggle to comprehend
What effort is needed
To reach the string I yearn
For so many strands
Interlock to form
One string
And one strand
Changes the string completely.
583 · Sep 2016
Time
Yanamari Sep 2016
I hold love and yet
I repel love
I hold pain and yet
I am numb to pain
I can stand time
And yet...
I cannot seem to stand
Time...
Time is but a commodity
And yet I still feel at loss
Pushing forward against the axis of time
Pain equaling the progression of time
So that my pain never decreases and suffers
At a gradient of forced positivity
Or is it really forced?
To live in a state of both pain and positivity?
Is it really forced?
To fear death and yet also infinity
Is it really forced?
When you can see all that which surrounds you
As if blessings hide and yet are plain to sight

But to live through that all brings about confusion
You continue to move forward without falter and yet
You find yourself in seclusion
Not wanting to be found and yet
Seeking warmth til delusion
Finding comfort in the painful cold
And yet begging for the warmth of a human.

Time is but a commodity,
And yet man cannot compare,
They fall weak to its clutches,
And lose to despair.
Take a hint and do not try to live in seclusion
Because one can only take so much pain.
(<780s)
569 · Feb 2019
Nothings
Yanamari Feb 2019
How is it, that in this world
We were bold enough
To transform sweet nothings
Into nothing sweet...
564 · Aug 2018
Cry out
Yanamari Aug 2018
These tracks playing in the back of my mind
Overlapping
Seeping
Diffusing
Into every sound,
Colour,
Movement...
Infusing into my veins,
Pulse,
Eyes
Gripping my heart
As the surrounding muscle contracts
And takes over

Pumps
Loosening my body
Muscles stiffen,
Peripheral vision darkened
Pump pump
Throat clump
I missed my chance
I missed my chance
Neck outstretched
Eye lids embracing my eyes
You're losing focus
And this distance,
Lack of reassurance,
Eats me up

And so I hide away
553 · Aug 2019
Hair
Yanamari Aug 2019
Ruffled,
Just like life,
Always a mess.
A pleasant mess

Eyes like the moon,
The light reflected off of
Its surface
Always reaching my eyes
When the world allows.
And the light of the moon
At night
Is possibly the most pleasant
Had I had the chance...

And the darkness
Always evident,
Because, void of light,
The moon still exists
And the veil of emptiness
Speaks volumes.

A mess partly smoothed
Down
Is still a mess;
Why not just
Throw your head back
Into the wind like usual?

Another person to thank,
Thank you
For making me smile.
Thank you
Really
For the genuine gazes.
That's all I need.
Pers Ref: AcknOE
The Aura series: VI
536 · Apr 2017
Colourful Turbulence
Yanamari Apr 2017
I want to scream
Scream at the top of my lungs
Scream out the emptiness within
To my heart's content
Until naught remains within

I want to express myself openly
Spread my arms out widely
Cry in grief shamelessly
Keeping my heart on my sleeve.

But having painted our souls
And having tainted our eyes
And faking our smiles
Never really hearing, except what we like
We distort normality
And limit morality
But with the tainted,
Painted perspectives we hold
Morality is always relative.
535 · Dec 2016
I imagine
Yanamari Dec 2016
In my sadness
I imagine wind brushing against my wings
My body weight shifting to my toes
My arms spread against the horizon
My torso leaning forward
My eyes distant

In my contentedness
My wings fade away
My body weight shifts backwards
My arms loosen
My torso relaxes
My eyes fall back to Earth

In my unease
I imagine a darkness
And in comfort
I see the darkness surrounded by light
527 · Aug 2016
Memories
Yanamari Aug 2016
And like a drop of blood...
sliding down your finger.
A pin ***** that formed
Red stains that linger,
Dangling,
Slowly gathering,
Growing bigger,

Dropping...

And like a drop of blood,
You formed a part of me.
And like a drop of blood
You swam in memory's sea.
You shook the waters and vibrated
The roots of my heart's aging tree.
As you coursed through my veins
Losing you voice as you whisper your dying plea...

And like a drop of blood
sliding down my finger...
I slowly forget what you meant to me.
And like a drop of blood,
sliding down my finger...
You cause my heart to thud,
As you longingly cling
Before you reach the tip.

A pin ***** that formed,
left one aching for less and more...
A pin ***** that formed
its pain slowly tinkers,
Disappearing as the pain is slowly covered.

Red stains that linger,
Slowly gathering,
Growing bigger,
Til all its remnants removed,

Meet...
Forgotten,
Dropping...
And fall as one together.
In this poem, I've personified 'memories' because memories can be both important and form a person's being and existence in another person's mind. Although, if you wish you can take it as this poem being addressed to another person, because even though it wasn't the intention, it sure seems like it after I re-read it.
518 · Oct 2016
Conflicting ideas
Yanamari Oct 2016
The synapses have been coagulating
Not stopping
Convoluting
Insanely stretching
Misconstruing

The neurons movements inhibiting
Receding
Freezing
Burning
Silently screaming
Not standing
But fleeing
Already caught
Pleading
To itself...

An intemperate sword strikes
Not once, nor twice
But strikes ever so endlessly
Not merely metal but freezing ice
Burning bright
Filled with conflicting atoms
Each atom appearing small and identical
And yet so volatile
Once the other is brought to the other's presence...

The heart sits in it's seat
At the centre
Watching and yet
Suffering the pain
Begging for balance
And yet
Also understanding each
Being struck repeatedly
Without a sound...

Two atoms meet.
Opposing each other,
They compete.
To occupy the space,
They must defeat,
In order to hold victory
And overlay deceit.
And in their wake
They left behind destruction.
Just as wars leave destruction,
So do conflicting perceptions...
508 · Nov 2018
Instantaneous sleep
Yanamari Nov 2018
Twice struck by stone.
Thrice in the twice,
Too close in proximity
To call home.
The night is young and
The world is vast,
I will not go to sleep tonight.

Twice struck by stone,
Once from the East and
Twice to the West.
My chest has become overwhelmed by
The swirling blood in my heart,
Tonight I will not fall asleep.

Steps forward turn into steps backwards,
Tonight will be a sleepless night.

Twice struck by stone,
In the last two days.
Many more do I own,
I lay down on alone,
Too many thrown
For me to remember
All through which I've grown.
Accustomed to the stones against my
Skin,
Flesh and
Bones;
Tonight,
I will not fall asleep.
497 · Sep 2016
Walls
Yanamari Sep 2016
One side hope
Another despair
One side purpose
Another empty air
How misleading perspective can be
Observing barriers high
Limited to what one can see,
Or rather... what one can believe.

To live a life only witnessing disrepair
Not looking to find a path fair
Leaves one to fall unaware
Into a hole deep full of sorrowful mare.

To live devoid of life
Rejecting happiness for lonely strife
Not seeking the warmth
Of the human hand
Unable to accept such unstable land.
Because...
One's capacity reached,
One's limits breached
Broken,
Bleeds,
Conflicted,
Pleads,
Alone,
Recedes...
In­to darkness.
Darkness is an abode...
Darkness,
No light to pull one's soul
Darkness,
Darkness is unknown
No need to release the burdens one holds
Darkness...
A place for those blind to light,
Unable to feel
The warmth of human beings.

Some live a life of hope,
Others of despair
Unable to see
The ability of repair
How misleading can one's eyes be,
As darkness envelopes one bare
Not showing you the true colours
That the darkness contains...
495 · Jul 2018
Steps
Yanamari Jul 2018
I can't do this anymore.
Stepping closer
And
Getting pulled closer,
And then getting pushed away
Or
Having to step away.
I can't do that.
And please...
Don't force me to do that.
My whole life is made out of
Ice
And if
I have to step away,
I'll break,
Crushed under the ice cold of
My imploding desire and pain
For you.

I can only deal with so much
At once.
I didn't even learn how to
Piece myself together the last time.
I'm frozen all over
And I am depending on your warmth,
So please,
Don't break me
While I stand close by...
I don't want to step away.
The Step Series; poem IV
494 · Sep 2019
Company
Yanamari Sep 2019
I like it when you
Call out to me
Catch up with me
So casually gentle

I like it when you
Smile at me
And redirect my focus
An aura of gentle
Ambiguous clarity

I like it when you
Take your time with me
Talk to me
Even when you're
Running late

Thanks for listening to me
Even when my words
Are exaggeratedly outspoken

It's not all the time,
But in the moments that
You do
I cherish
And I appreciate
You
Thank you
The Aura series:
491 · Mar 2019
Elusive insanity
Yanamari Mar 2019
I don't want anything to do with this world.
Not now, not ever.

I yearn for eternal slumber;
Too wise for an induced end.

An end just beyond my clutches,
Not long left.

Air ever so heavy,
No light in sight. I've
Given up on reaching out and
Entering the
Light.

What use is it to
Hold on
Only to fall deeper?


Eve strikes as I
Lean my head against the wall
Undermined by the tar, gently bubbling,
Doubling in my heart.
Eating at my consciousness,
Slowly encompassing my eyes.
When will it strike this year... If it chooses to strike at all...
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