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Feb 10 · 30
Unbidden heart
Yanamari Feb 10
Oh vulnerable me
Shy me
Child within me
I see your desire to be free
Shackled in a far corner I can't seem to see
Showing yourself to those who you like
To those with whom you wish to be
To have a security I can't seem to offer you
A nourishing for which you flee
Starved of the love I do not let you have
Forcing you into a position in which you cannot feel
And maybe,
If I'd let you have that love
You could be
The person you yearn for
But we both know
That's not an option for you and me
And so I lay in my arms,
Silence, my only plea
Feb 7 · 135
Quiet walk
Yanamari Feb 7
The world shifts and
Suddenly you're by yourself
Melancholy twirling in your heart
Like an on and off lover
The way it seeps in and
Claims your day
What can you do but feel
And let feel
As if you're in a shelterless rain without an umbrella
Planning will only bring you so far
Claim the sadness
Before it claims you
Feb 6 · 94
Yanamari Feb 6
The King sits on his throne
After another long day of work
Providing for the people
Deciding for the people
His hand reaches to the outskirts of his kingdom
To call his reign tyranny would be absurd
For who would question a leader who benefits most from their own decisions?
And who wouldn't be happy to have to toil a little more when mistakes are made and his lack of care becomes purposeful?
And when his entitlement to the land that he tires himself for day in and day out means that you cannot question his perfect authority, cannot begin to even suggest discussing his non-existent faults?
For people these days do not want to hear advice, do not wish to work hard enough, are lazy, and if these words come out as harsh when you're trying your hardest, that means you can't handle the truth and no other truth exists but that of the one and only royal Highness.

For what plants grow under shadow,
And what trees stand tall without roots firm in the ground?

What should the King do when the people lose their will and turn their backs on what security that has been offered to them
Jan 26 · 99
Yanamari Jan 26
I sway
Like on a swing
On the brink of sleep
My mind carries me motionless
And when reality calls
It rips me out of my pendulum state
Elevates my heart rate
Claims my restfulness and
Clutches onto the thoughts that I can't seem to lay
And as I slowly pry each clawing finger
Gentle words soothing over
Voices reverberating
The two swirl
Turning to noise
Playing in the background
As I gradually fall back into a cradle
Rocking left to right
And right to left
On the brink
Jan 1 · 169
Yanamari Jan 1
I rushed to write a letter
Emotions rising inside of me
I remembered your words
The way they lifted me and saw me
And so I rushed
Pen to paper
Rolled it up
So that my words are no longer seen
Tied and bottled
I gather my strength and throw it into the sea

You were always way out of reach.
But now this sea that sits between us seems endless
The sea sweeping and returning
My words back to me with the tide
I return to read over my words once again
Foam rushing around my legs as I sit
Reading over my letter once again
Unheard unread
Can't help but rewrite a copy for myself
Because even if you never see my words
I'll know what I wrote for you
Know what these feelings are
Dec 2023 · 34
Drops of life
Yanamari Dec 2023
Without a second glance,
Every step
The rationale of my brain,
Every day
Between the steps that I take,
Drops cling to me,
Before they evaporate.

As the steam of those drops evaporate,
I gaze up at them til they are no more,
No longer in my field of vision.

Foot down, gaze down;
At the floor beneath my foot.
My mind
For drops that'll settle on my arm once again.

Found this in my drafts, tweaked it. Drafted between Jan-March 2019
Dec 2023 · 42
Yanamari Dec 2023
Rock the boat,
  I'm fine
Little waves won't hurt me.

Rock the boat
    I'm fine;
What are a few more,
  I can handle it.

Rock the boat
       I'm fine
   I'm fine...
I can handle it

      To and fro
                      Underwater,­ can't breathe--
               Overhauled, overstretched
          Deep breath
I'm fine...
hated writing this
Dec 2023 · 250
Yanamari Dec 2023
Be nothing
Feel nothing
Hear nothing
See nothing
Dec 2023 · 41
Yesterday's happenstance
Yanamari Dec 2023
The hurt will never die
Rather, just temporarily put off
Whether forgotten
Or numbed,
And in the presence
Of remembrance
And vulnerability
How could one's entity
Fathom experiencing anything
But heart ache
As vivid as yesterday,
Last month
Last year
A lifetimes worth of
Hurt and
How could one's soul
Forget the pain?
PersRef: InstBloEl-Co
Dec 2023 · 325
Friendship anniversary
Yanamari Dec 2023
It's been seven years
Of mostly sad poems
Filled with my darkness and fears
And sprinkle a little
Happy energy
All spun together
Into this poetry account

It's been seven years
Taken me seven years
To acknowledge the fun I have
Writing poetry
Reading poetry
Processing poetry
I'm happy
Thankful for this platform
Thank you Eliot York :)
And thank you my Lord for everything :) Felt like writing something a little fun and unconventional respective to my usual poetry. I've been writing poetry for longer, but seven years is how many of them I've been on this platform exclusively
Dec 2023 · 204
Yanamari Dec 2023
Angry distasteful stare
Eyes squinted, affronted glare
In all her care, uncaring
Unwanting of any responsibility
Associated with falsehood
'You're unreasonable'
Emanates without being spoken

How can you begin to even think for yourself
Think of the validity of your perspective
When you're caught overwhelmed and mocked
Belittled in what you think is fair
And I'm stuck with that stare
And you without a care
So often I'm labelled over-sensitive, overly emotional, undermined. It makes me wonder how many people out there would treat my emotions as I'd want them to, with the care, understanding and attentiveness that I desire but do not often receive. Makes me feel distance from those that should be dear to me. Makes no sense, when I'm asked why I don't talk as much as I listen.
Dec 2023 · 312
Yanamari Dec 2023
Drawn out silence
The seeker and the sought
What would the power imbalance have been
If the sought could only speak

It's overwhelming
To expect and expect
Only to receive silence
Deemed unworthy of attention
Unworthy of acknowledgement

What would the conversation have been
Had there been even a single word
In response
But silence
And a refusal to reciprocate
Such that should they eventually speak
Their words begin to take on that emptiness
And the void grows larger
And already
The upset begins to lose itself in an endless void
And you're stuck in place

How could you forget
When all around you is that silence, resounding
How could you forget
When all this time your ears desired, awaiting
A response they'd never have.
Nov 2023 · 379
Yanamari Nov 2023
Loud and young
My voice rung
Free in its burdens
Overwhelmed in yearning

Loud and young
My voice blurred
Mixed and buried
In unsettling surroundings, unheard


Whisper scream
Moon for company
Burdens blur simmering
Over clawing emptiness

Slurred speech
Between few
You know
I know you

Like a poor man's stain glass art
Salvaging beauty in broken sentences
What sense would you tell me it would make
To break glass of different colour to make a singular beautiful piece
When that is all I have to work with,
Broken glass
And no glue to piece them
Trying to consciously choose words that are a little cryptic is my usual style, sometimes it takes more time and sometimes it comes naturally
Nov 2023 · 128
Yanamari Nov 2023
On the back of my hand
My arm
I leave a kiss
Warmth spreading
Goosebumps rising
Mind settling

My love
What more can I give you
What more can I show you
At the limit of my being
My love
What more can I fault you
What more can I demean you
Knowing the fault of my character
But struggling to fix it
My love
Love you so that
You love me
My love
I often think about the story of Narcissus, the youth who spurned his suitors and chose himself over all else...
Nov 2023 · 39
Protect my peace
Yanamari Nov 2023
Limit my interactions
Think before I speak
What purpose comes in order
Will the words that escape my mouth
Hurt me more
Or will they take me to a more peaceful place
I know the dance
I know the steps
My body feels them ingrained
And so maybe this time
I'll take a moment to think
Before my body moves along
With the tune being played
Before I step on broken glass
Because I forsook shoes
In a room that I took as familiar
Why does this keep happening
Oct 2023 · 358
Yanamari Oct 2023
I open my mouth and
No heads turn
What am I to do
If I can't be heard
Do I level mountains
Or raise waves?

It's not in my nature
It's not my way
I can't help my mellowness
I can't help my gentle sway

I want to be seen
Seen as me
Seen for what I can't show
For what I can't feel
Asking for what I don't have?
What I can't be
I'd rather die
Leave me be

So I hold it all in
The tumult and the fray
How could I ask for help
When when I open my mouth
No heads turn
And I'm left echoing into space
I often have an issue with people not hearing me when I talk. My voice is audible, my voice is clear, but for some reason it's as if I didn't speak at all. And so I wonder why that could be.
Oct 2023 · 411
Yanamari Oct 2023
Hearts of steel don't exist
As hearts are fragile
Like glass thin and shapen
Taking on the pattern of rhythmic pulses
Blood racing to where our hearts are led

Hearts are fragile
Such that the heartless cannot fathom
The jagged sharp pieces ripping inside
And so they empty their chest
So that they can only see with their eyes
For if their heart controlled their eyes
They would turn blind
No heart in the slashes formed
No eyes in the heart that overwhelms the soul
Senses returning to base level zero

Hearts can only take so much
And if it were to break
How could it heal to the way that it used to be?
Oct 2023 · 286
Yanamari Oct 2023
Like an iceberg floating
I float in water
Like an iceberg floating
I'm weighed down by weight on my shoulders
And if I could lift them I would
And I did and
I wish that I didn't
As I float

And I wish to flow freely
As the water does around me
And I wish to flow warmly
And I wish
I wish for so much
But I'm frozen in place
And all these years have passed by
And I've just hit the tip of the iceberg
And I still struggle with all that
Under the surface that I can't seem to see

And as it all resurfaces
And the weight returns in force tenfold
And I clutch at my chest
To hit into another iceberg
To feel the jarring vibrations
It's overwhelming
One cannot heal from such impactful encounters
To feel these feelings again...

You wouldn't want to.

And as I float by
Like an iceberg floating
I hold the weight of jarring vibrations
And like an iceberg floating
What's to keep me from breaking apart
Should I encounter these feelings again.
Sep 2023 · 67
Yanamari Sep 2023
Sitting restlessly still
Idly passing time
All these circles I've walked
All these days cycling by
To keep a front of peace
I've constructed all these lies
And if I reach out
To touch a wall
It'd shatter
Who am I lying to
Telling myself
I'm frozen to the core

Each weak breath I breathe, although not warm
Holds the life left within me
Escaping my mouth
The misty vapour condensing
Tracks down the frozen walls and
Drawing my gaze
Freezing once more
And if I touch these frozen droplets
That lie on these walls surrounding me
They'd melt and freeze again
Too used to this cycle of
Lifting walls around me again

Walking in circles
I see where I've lied
What I've chosen as home
What I've chosen as life
I've lied to myself
And my eyes continuously search for that which
I deny myself

And the temperature of these walls I understand the most
And the temperature of these walls are what hold me close
Hold me together
All other ways and choices of life lost on me

And I realise
I realise all these lies that I latch onto
Held tightly in my hands
What my arteries and veins pulse for
Upholding a universe under my skin
The desires etched into every strand of DNA
Fading from within
Desiring a warmth out of reach
A warmth never felt
I originally published this under the title of 'Freezing life' but just discovered the word Xyst and I felt the contrast fit beautifully...

Just had a read through my drafts and this poem fits more and more in place
Sep 2023 · 446
What once was
Yanamari Sep 2023
Heat emitting
Steaming whistling
Sinking repetitively
Emerging each time
Lacking that youthful glow
Replaced by the reflection
Of my toil given to me
Losing the heat of the moments
Leaving it all behind
It could only last so long
And here I am
Smoothened by the love only I could
Give me
Inspiration: Welding gold and the heat of youth - (Pers Ref: KTLMA)

Read a past diary entry from several years back - laughed if I'm being honest, the passion of adolescence is lost on me.

This poem I wrote mostly to vocalise the changes I see in myself compared to the past, otherwise the style of this poem isn't something I'd see myself publishing anymore.
Jul 2023 · 297
Not a poem but
Yanamari Jul 2023
Anyone else just scroll through their old poetry
and think to themselves "wow, I wrote this?"
i.e. Don't look down on your own poetry, your emotions and creativity are your own, just as much as the unique meaning you choose to convey through words.
Jul 2023 · 889
Yanamari Jul 2023
Flirting on the topic of community
One finds themselves at a loss
Both in knowledge and in influence
We lack control

To define morality
To define discipline
To define nature and what is natural
As much as it is a social construct
It is just as much a personal construct.
In being so, as much as we lack within ourselves
and as much as we lack in being a community
Humanity loses adherence
And yet strengthens its adherence all the same

As much as one may believe we advance as a society
We lose ourselves
Societies cycle on, only words change their meanings.
The more I grow to witness two sides of a coin, the more I reconsider my position in the world.
Jun 2023 · 369
Yanamari Jun 2023
Paint layers walls
And walls layer houses
Uncarefully placed
In our carefulness
Comforted in perfection unreachable

And what wisdom lays
In a world that wreaks destruction
On the weak foundations that we sow
And the even weaker plants that we reap
An amalgamating mess
Painted onto
Thin fragile walls
Holding up
Thin fragile houses
May 2023 · 59
Yanamari May 2023
"What's wrong?" I'm asked
A question, sincere
Laced with generational insincerity
A question, almost social
Tears threatening to leak
Concern laying however, with the following insincerity
Secrets unspoken, bitten tongue
One two three, the colours I see
Grey silver green
Stepping back in my spot unmoving
The question is more than a question
And words casual can mean more than first glance
Head turned away and gaze following
Stares unshared

As if I'll ever choose
To voice the letters scribed into the contours of my tongue
When any following response
Will only deepen the dents I have scribed
The contours that cause my speech to turn awry
And my vision to return to basic observation
One two three
Often loved ones pose concern towards your emotions but then fail to maintain that sincerity in their response, it can only feel belittling.

Pers Ref: BBB-Hahaha
Mar 2023 · 77
Keep it that way
Yanamari Mar 2023
We are the children of tradition
In an untraditional society
We are the children of progression
In an unprogressing society
We are the children of peace
In an unpeaceful society
Meshing together these inconsistencies
As human nature
And as differences irreconcilable
Like ripping stitches out of a deep wound
And those hurt from the stitches ripped not considered
Just the remaining wound sitting in the middle of two parts of skin
And we keep it that way
Say the wound can be covered with a band aid
Yet a chosen problem to remain
Both skin one and the same
Wound hurting
Deep and unhealthy
Yet both sides claim they are healing from
The deep hurt at bay
Unseeing of the weeping sway
That stops and dries, for birthing in these conditions can only exhaust and fray
Ply out the mercy sowed into each and every cell
Yet we are still
All skin and clay
From one and the same

If only these wounds never came to be
Mar 2023 · 67
Jokes on you
Yanamari Mar 2023
It's easy for oppressed groups to oppress
All they could learn from their oppressors
Victims slowly disappearing
In the wake of weaponised victimisation
And in its beauty deep crevices
Hiding cracks that leak the blood that
Allows for its power
These cracks filled with
Those caught in the hold
Of the weapon wielders
And the cracks were never smoothed,
Never shaped to be merciful
Just accepting enough that
The crevices are filled to hold onto power
And there is no power without
All that holds the oppressed in place of power
And hidden away are those who suffer their wrath
Wanting freedom
Yet not wanting the freedom at hand
For one freedom hurts to their death
And another takes their last breath unreached
Mar 2023 · 84
Yanamari Mar 2023
My highest point
Abyss below me
Fence fraying above me
And what I'd do to see it hold
When all I can see is the nails
Come loose

The ground I once stood on
Always shook
For me who thought that the
Sides of the fence were not meant
To be joined
And I who came to stand on it
My zenith
Before the floor stopped shaking
And fell away completely

Only a necessity for those who
Choose an in-between
Time will always run out
Quicker for those
Who try to hold onto
The flimsy fence that separates
Green grass
From even more green grass
One side gone yellow to the other
And one side uprooted to the other

And the fence
That always stood as wood
Aging in splinters and mold
Is still wood
Until it comes free
It is then scraps
For whichever side chooses
What use it is fit for
Because sticks and stones
Will break bones
But sticks cannot repair
Broken strands of bark
Where blades of grass can mend
In the sun

And the fence that sat there
Performed it's duty
Unstable on stable ground
Stability withdrawn smoothly
Cut when not on grounds
Comes loose

Fingers locked in place
Oct 2022 · 95
Petals closing in on me
Yanamari Oct 2022
Like a drop of water
Rolling off a petal,
I'll treat you like a flower
Resisting the rain that never settles

I'm in my peaceful place
In the comfort of my me
Breathing the air that
God gave me

How am I to help
When suddenly
Your words cut so effortlessly

And I was lost
By your continual sway
The way you continue
To barrage on me

Loud and echoing
I can't seem to shut you out
You're supposed to nourish me
But yet the only time I feel you
Is when you push me towards death

It continues to rain on
And so I close my eyes to breathe
I'll let your words roll off me
As I listen to my own heart beat
May 2022 · 111
Yanamari May 2022
Let me feel hatred
For those who have it better than me
Let me feel pain
In those moments that mean little than small mishaps
Let me feel overwhelmed
By the repetition of acts that go against my boundaries
Let me overflow
With words unspoken, slipped into
sweet frustration
Let me imagine
What I do not have,
What I cannot have
And have it in a way that is
Let me withdraw
Tell myself I feel better
Only to feel the finger tips of bitter grace roiling its way
Into my vision again

Let me
Let me be free
Feb 2022 · 131
Shut down
Yanamari Feb 2022
Dragged and drawn...
Tired and resisting sleep
Eyes barely open,
Mind barely present

A cage is not a cage because of its bars
Or the space that it provides
Or the bed that it allows
A cage is a cage because it
Turns life pointless
Holds life in its claws and
Never lands
Falling with no end
Screaming in a vacuum
Shackled to a life that disregards
Your life

Breathing never felt as it used to
I see that now
Dec 2021 · 252
Yanamari Dec 2021
Time jump
Noon to eve
Deliberate breaths
Resurfaced wounds
Never healed
Empty time passed
Scene after scene
Escaping my surroundings
And hiding in the foreign
Found this in my notes written on the 28th of May 2021 apparently?
Can't remember writing this but I can imagine I wasn't at my best.
Dec 2021 · 70
Your Love
Yanamari Dec 2021
Your arms around me
Your hands
Your smile
Kiss to my forehead
Nothing I yearn for like your warmth
Your warmth is what I seek

Our fingers intertwining
Your forehead leaning against my cheek
As we waltz together
Your body is what my arms yearn for
Just like how your arms always encircle me

I want you
And I'm so happy to have you
Thankful to God to have you
And I'll continue to thank God
We are each others

No one else's love brings forth greater emotions for me than yours
Arms around my shoulders in a back hug
You are who I lean on
Can't be other than thankful
Yanamari Dec 2021
There's always another day
Another rising sun
Breath in
Breath out
Life keeps going on

And the wounds that keep reopening
On my back
Grow throughout the day
And bleed into the night
It's me who has to bend
Into impossible positions to sow it back up
It's me who's left with scars out of sight
Draining me to the last bits of my energy
And yet I can't sleep
Breathe in
Breathe out
Silence is the most peaceful bout
Until you look deeper in
The turmoil swims throughout

I want my wounds to heal
Want my skin to gleam
Want my bones to reconnect
With the wings they never met
Please let me meet you
Let me meet you outside this cage that's supposed to be a comfort
Oct 2021 · 102
Yanamari Oct 2021
Sometimes paint brushes feel like
They belong in my hand,
Paint ready to be laid
A story ready to be lain
Strewn across canvas
The night sky that shine down on me
And the world that continues around me
A me conflicted between this world and a world that doesn't exist
And so my mind supplies
And it sees the paint on bristles
Holding words that'll echo a world that cannot exist outside my mind.
Oct 2021 · 104
Yanamari Oct 2021
It's a new world.
That moment you resurface
To catch a breath.
Large and dragging
Water spills away from skin
And the sky never looked the way it does now.
What was I doing underwater?
And what am I doing here,
At the surface?
And the water just encases me
Almost as if I belong in it
And yet I don't.
The water feels so right that
Just like the way it holds me,
My body, mind and heart yearn in return
And the water accepts my tears in a way
That says my tears are part of this ocean

And yet I'm at the surface
And I see the sky that looks so foreign
And the clouds that I can barely register roll by
And the sun that shines its warmth on me
Contrasting the water that returns to the ocean
And I don't want those droplets leaving me
But choices continue to be made and the ocean I swim in isn't mine
Shouldn't be mine
And yet here I am
Questioning what makes a swimmer swim
And whether the ocean reciprocates the desire the swimmer holds for each arm turned in its embrace,
Each leg kicked in an effort to keep up with the enormity of the ocean.
Sep 2021 · 523
Reviving state
Yanamari Sep 2021
Swimming in the waters
That were once thick
Breathing ocean air comfortably
Heart beat no longer quick
Floating in these waters
As I have never done before
Relaxing my mind from
All that was once ashore
Beneath me
Above me
Around me
No longer there
Except for the waves that sway
And give to the passing of my limbs
Except for the blue skies that reach
To pass into the ocean
Except for the sun that shines from a distance...
And maybe I can feel it's warmth again
Just realised that maybe some of my feelings metaphors may be more connected than I've realised
Apr 2021 · 417
Yanamari Apr 2021
Maybe it's easy to pity myself
In the absence of pity,
In the wake of disregard and judgement,
In the choice of abandoning my surroundings.
If love is a window,
I've been told it's broken,
Not there,
A fairytale rotted within
The clutches of time,
Unachievable by the likes of I...
My home is a frozen ice palace
My touch is destruction
My heart is darkness
My past is molten tar
Myself distancing
From everything

The world is beautiful
But filled with shadows.
Mar 2021 · 90
The last
Yanamari Mar 2021
Rot in teeth?
Not the hole that was
Eventually going to form anyways
Life slowly decays?
Or was it that life slowly
Fades out in a way that isn't fully understood
What's in it but
Illusions basing our Perceptions
A choice?
Cold and warm
Values recycling until
Hurt becomes day- to- day
Mar 2021 · 181
Yanamari Mar 2021
My clothes flow around me
As I sit down on wet ice
Gone is the cold
For the cold is what
I've blended into,
What I discovered was
Frozen with the words
Left unspoken
Swirling in my
Buzzing mind
I'd open my mouth
But I don't find it in me
To care to speak to anyone
For the warmth I saw has
And this cold I am sat in
I trust to remain frozen
Even if fragile
And the cold has always been a comfort
Always been the sink to my turmoil
So how much could it hurt to
Let the little warmth I once
Depended upon
Dissipate away
Nov 2020 · 95
Final tide
Yanamari Nov 2020
Your gaze on mine
In this cool air
Your hand outstretched
In this blue night
My feet take me forward
There is no going back
My subconscious merges with my conscious
My desires swim in reality
A tune is playing and
My name is called
I cannot deny this one last request
Nov 2020 · 93
Yanamari Nov 2020
Burning candle snuffed
Smoke trail rising
Wick's heat dissipating
Wax cooling slowly
Solidifying the candle again
No sparks
No flames
No heat
Just candle
Just wax
Just wick
The wick is burnt
Shorter than it used to be
The wax's mass decreased
Transformed and floating away
The heat travelling elsewhere
Away from the candle's reach

Flames light
Flames flicker
Flames fade out
Flames swirl with energy
Candles don't
Nov 2020 · 79
Yanamari Nov 2020
White noise
Brown noise
Absorbing my voice
My soul
Heart beating
Fridge whirring
Train tracks humming
Bed sheets warming my legs beneath me
Squishy pillow overheating me
Lights on
Lights on
Nov 2020 · 107
Dual sensations
Yanamari Nov 2020
And just like the escalation of pleasure
The release of pain works based on a dual model
As I enter my only semblance of safety
The model comes into effect
I come to learn more about myself
About the way I thought I felt so much cold already
When really subconsciously there was so much more
Almost as if the insults I'd received as a teenager about being too sensitive were close to baseless
That is, compared to the emotions that swam inside me, away from the hawk-like eyes of humanity
Even if the more I learn about everything makes me more tangible
Everything becomes more intangible
And I struggle to hold on
Because even my insides seem to want to claw out
Even in the one place that has little safety
And I would open my mouth to call for more safety
But when I try to I lose my sense of safety
When I try to, anything that comes out of my mouth is displaced from me
As if my body knows that its no longer safe existing in the body that is calling for help
And I'm stuck clawing back for my body but even when my mouth shuts
My body feels hazy
My mind buzzing
And my breathing unfamiliar
My stomach unsettled
Even if I hug my pillow when I feel at a low
Its not enough
My organs clench uncomfortably
And I want to feel comfort so badly
But my subconscious is like swimming to the bottom of an ocean without oxygen
And I'm left on my own like I have all the other times that have passed, the only thing I gain is experience
And I try to gain more awareness of my surroundings but its all so cold
That I can only be numb even to my own self
I can only hear the roar of brown noise even if my heart is beating so strongly inside me

The more I pass through life, the more I learn about duality
Like developing realisations that I can reach for so much, and yet understanding more and more that I might not be able reach much at all
At some point I realised that when I was placed in situations where I felt confronted, my hands shook even if I felt nothing. Holding my hands closer to my eyes, I didn't really feel anything. Even thinking 'maybe I am actually feeling afraid right now or maybe I'm feeling hurt' or whatever, what I felt while having those thoughts was nothing, even when the tears came to my eyes and I had to hold them back, I felt nothing. And it was conflicting, still is when I realise that I'm more shaken then I realise, more hurt than I realise. Especially when you learn that your upbringing has a lot to do with whether you're more conscious of certain emotions or how those emotions play out inside of you...
Oct 2020 · 88
Yanamari Oct 2020
Flames hungrily licking
Off of twisted ornaments
All of that which I'd bought from you
Paid every coin
Desired with heart and mind
Burnt to ashes
Nothing left in this room
But grey ash and my hardened eyes
There's no space left in my room
All is burnt, the cremated contents to be removed
The me of then to be removed
All that remains, glaring into my soul
Is the warning of my past
Passing on the message through her eyes

Even if she was none the wiser
Even if she shone brighter than ever
Even if her warmth contrasts her intent
I see her and she sees me
Words passed through soul,
Soul still living,
And there is only one soul that I know
Only one soul that keeps pulling me forward
Even if by nothing but the breath that passes my lips;
No thread for my fingers to grasp onto-
Fiery eyes
For the fire has died
But my gaze passes its heat into the soles of my feet,
Guiding me as I live on
Ref: "He looks like he needs a hug" ADfMAXsBI
Oct 2020 · 66
Coloured threads
Yanamari Oct 2020
And some strings feel more beautiful
Under a night sky
Just like some strings feel more beautiful
Reflecting the sun's rays
So that when the sun passes through the sky
And the earth continues on its path
The string loses its beauty
And it is still beautiful
But to the passing of time,
And under a different light
The string almost dances a different tune,
Even if really, a string never changes when untouched.
And if the time has passed
And beauty fades away
Should one part ways
With a string that once shone warm and peaceful
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, strings in the hand of the owner, value in the heart of each person; differing between each soul.
Oct 2020 · 58
Yanamari Oct 2020
Strings interwoven
Surrounding me
Spacious yet brushing
Against my torso and thighs
Suspended on spun strands years old
I can only
Gently glide my finger tips
Along strings floating by
I cannot hate
Only hurt
An unconditional detachment towards
The way they surround me
I am careful not to cut the intricate plaits, even if I have subconsciously done and continue to do so
For a cut in the lines that hold together
My reality are delicate,
Best understood when each small length is given its value and attention
But I worry;
If my world is strung
Then a lifetime may not be enough
To untwist each weave
To its barest of selfs
And then twist together
A new piece that surrounds me
Warmly and peacefully
Oct 2020 · 92
Yanamari Oct 2020
It all makes sense
Sense that I knew but
Never really delved into
My staying up at night
My hollow heart
And my lonesome
It all makes sense
Almost as if to rub it in my face
And maybe its too much
The way it all fits together
The way it makes me me
The way I know I don't want it but I can't find it in me to care
And I'm sat latching onto the little warmth I feel in this cold
It was supposed to be warm, but what is supposed to be?
And it hurts that the more realisations I have, the more I realise that maybe
There are things in the world that
I can never have
I would want want want, but I wouldn't find it within me
What am I supposed to be
To do

I'm trying but what point is there in trying if the end result is the same
Sep 2020 · 88
Yanamari Sep 2020
I only want wings when the winds are strong
I only feel cold when the turmoil in my mind and heart are overwhelming
I only lay in the non-newtonian black substance so that I don't have to
Deal with everything
I'm sick of these beliefs that remain rooted in my mind
So deeply rooted they've upheaved whatever parts that used to rest in my heart,
Wasted away any comfort my heart had left in it

And maybe I'd want wings to see the skies
And feel the cold because I genuinely miss it's sensation
And lay in non-newtonian substances to explore the feeling of it
But I question where the drive of my curiousity left to;
If it had escaped before it was forcibly ripped from my heart or
If it decayed and it's rot continues to fester in my heart

These feelings of mine I want to respect...
How do you respect the body you only know how to leave
Sep 2020 · 138
Unwarm heart
Yanamari Sep 2020
I stand facing my reflection
Gaze acting as a barrier
I would reach forward to reach you
But I hesitate lest you withdraw from my touch
My heart clenched and my eyes hold back
And if I could comfort you, if the warmth of my heart could reach you
We would be one
And yet whisps and words trace their fingers along my mind
Humming a tune my mind and heart fall into step with uneasily
And she strokes my face to will my heart and mind out of the tune
But the tune is continuous, seeded and unwavering
Sep 2020 · 156
Blue Moon's Waltz
Yanamari Sep 2020
Before waltzing together
To the melody of the
Blue moon
I danced alone.
Independent and yet feeling.

And then a gap developed
And grew
Large enough for
The space of two
And so I filled it with
The shine of
The Blue moon.

The Blue moon is my
Melody, love and solace
Whilst my body halts
To disallow the hole to
Grow larger.
To feel is to rip the hole
And so feel,
I cannot.
The waltz was always
Almost melancholic;
And so it so easily
Unstrung - snapped.

Frozen over

The dance paused for
A few months.
Then the music began to play
So did the light
And I
Saw him
In the distance
Flitting in and out,
But remained
A dance partner.

While I swayed along with
The fluctuating notes
Others danced close by
And once I realised they'd left
And would not again
Dance close by
I shrunk back
Once again
Dancing alone

Frozen - crack.

And then he stepped back and
She came.
The water still dripping
Along her arms
We waltzed.
All too familiar
And yet she
Still withdrew
My hands unmoving,
Floating in the air
Where she would be.

And whilst neither left
Our synergy left me
And so my waltz -
In the rays that filter through
The cracks in the roof -
Is steady even when
The light flickers.

The gentle caress of your fingers
I won't forget
For your essence is still there
Even if only in
The Blue Moon
To be honest I've forgotten/not 100% sure what the blue moon refers to but I like this poem so im making it public

Pers Ref(?): 2011ίe-mIDTh1ef

Mar 1 2020

Edit: funny post note that I remembered is that in high school I had a dream I was talking to my sister in a warped version of my house under a crack in the roof of my house. There was one moon and four massive stars (the size of suns when you see the sun during the day), the stars travelling in a circle which had a point where the stars would pass over the moon. Once the stars would pass over the moon, it was I think the stars that would shine brighter (and possibly the moon as well?). And so I may or may not have been thinking about the crack in the roof from that dream... but I wouldn't doubt that the verse about the crack in the roof was just a random instinctual touch that came to mind that felt right in the moment.
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