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---
Yanamari Apr 2017
---
Raw
Overpowering
Unnameable
These raw states
That our souls
Are overridden with
Belittled to the term
Feelings
Words such as
Love and hate
Used to quantify and
Identify
Yet
Such words
Limit us
Shake us
Imprison
Mute
Tear
****.
After that last word I wrote, although the initial desire was to continue the poem after that, I felt I could not continue. It froze me and still does.
Yanamari Apr 2020
~ ~~
Keys tipping
Under my fingers
Notes resounding
Around me
Playing,
Laying
Layer over layer
Of tones
Emitting
And drawing forth
The sighs that
Do not escape my mouth
And instead trace back
Down my tensed throat
Along my collar bones
Arms
Twisting around my wrists
And zipping at my finger tips.
My mind knows
And so my fingers follow.

And yet my mind also knows
It's searching.
Not for something missing
But
For something that could be there.
And yet it continues to progress,
Fingers relaying,
Notes sounding,
Fading.
Continuously

~~ ~

In the distance
And yet
Flowing through every medium
Surrounding me,
A voice flows alongside
These notes,
These feelings.
A voice that enriches
And pairs with the notes
That continue
To resound around me
Awake ~ KS
Yanamari Jul 2019
I never knew how many goodbyes
I'd said
Before you became distant
My friend
And looking from the distance
That has been built between
Us
I feel a void present.

Your lack of response was a sign.
A game of checkers to bid the time.
However you can only play with two
And I...
Have always been one
And alone.

And yet you begin to replicate yourself,
Until I see you in many
Different yet the same.
Your eyes distant
Your smile not yet expressed with
All of your heart.
It's no surprise that
This wall is here.
Thank you for your time.

I don't want to look upon you from a
Distance so far.
The void can be discarded.
Forgotten.
And yet you stand there
And my thumbs hover over you;
Not yet registering
What my mind speaks.

Can I really say
You..
were once a friend?
An acqu~~~~~~~~
Just like most.

And am I my own acqu~~~~~~~~?

What use is the hand that reaches out
Stroking frozen walls and
Directing my gaze
.
Pers Ref. EMEng&FBXRep. How many voids have combined to create this rift in my heart?
Yanamari Mar 2018
I see a new key close by
Not shiny
Or fancy
Not even sleek
But sturdy-looking
Substantial
And rigid inside.

Knowing myself and,
That every key leads to
New doors
I begin to reach out to it.

But I know that
A murky barrier surrounds it,
Just like the barrier around my heart.
And knowing myself best,
The high ice palace that
I reside upon,
The expansive, endless
Landscape of frozen tidal waves,
And the amount of times it has
Crumpled down
Because of illusions and
Darkness...
I understand
That reaching out quickly will
Break me down.
And it'll probably affect the key too.
However, I can only feel
The ice tower and landscape
That surrounds me
So how can I handle taking care
Of a key all rusted inside,
If I'm just as unstable?


I don't trust myself.
And I don't want to destroy
The key in front of me
Or the barrier that surrounds it
Irresponsibly.

So I will be wary
While reaching towards
This key
Ready to say
Goodbye.
Yanamari Mar 2020
There's always a depth to familiarity
That has the mind at it's
Beck and call
Just a scent and the mind is
Overwhelmed with history
Spinning
Spinning
spinning
Release
A rush of emotions spill
In consistency with the nerve synapses
Connecting
Nostalgic or regretful,
Content or melancholy;
Always a constant reminder
Of the difference you can
Never return to.
And yet not the same
Yanamari Nov 2018
Bring it on
I will fight
Let your words loose upon my
Infant heart
Whip and whip again
Gaze at me with your
Estranged lens
Leave me to fend for myself
Let me hurt
Whether or not I shall rise again
I will be the victor
Of my end

My dreadful..
Dreadful
End...

Be gentle
Show me your hand

Be gentle...
Lighten your gaze and
Uncloud your lens
Let me love you
Before the end..

For estranged
With estranged
From estranged
Yanamari Mar 2016
It's painful,
Lying in the cold shadows,
Comforting your own sorrows.

It's torment,
To look for hope,
Only to find it taken by someone else.

It's agonizing,
To understand all those who surround you,
Yet not be understood by any of them.

It's torturous
To be let down so many times...
And yet still hope for comfort.

It's tortuous...
And you just seem to keep bleeding,
You just seem to keep bleeding as you move forward.

It's almost painfully painless,
Because the pain keeps coming,
Only to be numbing the scars of the past.

And it hurts,
To watch all the people around you,
Yet to feel all alone in such a small world.
Yanamari Oct 2018
Your voices are all mingling into one
Past and present
The pain in my chest and
The muscles around my eyes
I cannot...
I cannot bear to be there again
The laughter
The gazes
The support
And the betrayal...
So close to your warmth
And yet
Never there.

The innate warmth in one's heart
Should grow
And yet
My heart is left with a fading imprint and
No image and
No call
Beckons my heart.
My heart and mind's roles
Reverse

Fluctuating

Please

My whole life...
Please.
I want to leave
I want to be there.
So come take me
Because I can't seem to find my way.
Yanamari Oct 2020
Flames hungrily licking
Feeding
Off of twisted ornaments
Creations
Objects
Furniture
All of that which I'd bought from you
Paid every coin
Desired with heart and mind
Gone
Burnt to ashes
Nothing left in this room
But grey ash and my hardened eyes
There's no space left in my room
All is burnt, the cremated contents to be removed
The me of then to be removed
All that remains, glaring into my soul
Is the warning of my past
Passing on the message through her eyes

Even if she was none the wiser
Even if she shone brighter than ever
Even if her warmth contrasts her intent
I see her and she sees me
Words passed through soul,
Soul still living,
And there is only one soul that I know
Only one soul that keeps pulling me forward
Even if by nothing but the breath that passes my lips;
No thread for my fingers to grasp onto-
Fiery eyes
For the fire has died
But my gaze passes its heat into the soles of my feet,
Guiding me as I live on
Ref: "He looks like he needs a hug" ADfMAXsBI
Yanamari May 2017
I am surrounded by a desolate landscape
Atop a tower of varying height
In a world bereft of power
No warmth, no cold
To feel in the sun's lake.

I stand atop a tower
Surrounded by a distance limited
No sound
No movement,
And yet
The rush of wind
Resounding in my mind.

I stand atop a tower
My body floating on its roof's midst
I stand atop a tower
Of height appearing small
And yet
I cannot bring myself to leap.

What is it that I want?
Staying atop this tower
What is it that I want?
Feeling naught
But the rampant silence
What is it that I want?
Is that a question I even want to answer?
Aww
Yanamari Apr 2019
Aww
No I don't want to speak over lunch
Or coffee
Or dinner for that matter.
These words are too much to span
One meal
To span one drink
One bite,
Too heavy to mesh with
The comfort of food.
You never asked if I wanted to just
Hang one night and discuss these things.
And that's where they all go wrong;

I don't want your pity
I want your empathy
Come back to me
When you can share my energy
I don't want to claw at my scars
Only to be looked at as if I'm still
In my infancy
I want to conserve my energy
I'm human,
We can only store so much will
And pain

Let my breath not be wasted
When the time comes,
For if I choose to speak
I speak eye to eye
Entity to entity
And if my judgement of your gaze is wrong -
In that time of supposed synergy -
Know that there is no return for your
Place with me.
Yanamari Sep 2020
I want to scream it out
The words that push and scrape at
The insides of my skin and heart
Let us out
But I shouldn't
I can't
They probably already look down on me
I shouldn't let their thoughts put me down

I can't
Let me out
I can't...

A choice is a capability
A small part of a person's
Best efforts to continue to survive
I can't But I can I won't be able to handle it
They don't share my thoughts and feelings

She holds my face between her hands
Tears threatening to fall
"I can't"
"I know" she whispers to my closed eyes
Stroking my cheekbones
Her hands' warmth stark against the
Cold darkness that surrounded us
Yanamari Sep 2018
Artificial, superficial
Smiles, laughs and riddles.
All riddles.
Anything out of your mouth,
Through your eyes,
Through those hands
Filling me with doubt.

Can I have something good?
Am I allowed to?
This race course that I've jumped into
I've sped up way too fast.
Slow down crash.
Speed up crash.

Artificial, superficial,
Why did I ask you to let down your hair?
I look up and I see someone foreign
Claiming that if I climb
I'd get closer to her?
Right...
Your smile foreboding
Your eyes beady
Open your mouth
Flickering fork so needy
Right..
Artificial,
Insincerity in that 'interested' gaze
Superficial,
Those lips stretched wide
Plastered on your face
It only makes sense that when you laugh
I don't give a sh
Right.

Artificial...
Superficial...
That's all you'll ever seem,
In my eyes.
The Aura Series: I
Yanamari Jan 2020
I'm sorry but I'm
Thankful all the same
I wanted and yet
You weren't above
The values that I hold dear
And as these values
Continue to slip away
Along with
Everything else
I do not regret
The choices I've made

I am not a creature who regrets
And yet I know when that day comes
I will
Yanamari Sep 2020
Before waltzing together
To the melody of the
Blue moon
I danced alone.
Independent and yet feeling.

And then a gap developed
And grew
Large enough for
The space of two
And so I filled it with
The shine of
The Blue moon.

The Blue moon is my
Melody, love and solace
Whilst my body halts
To disallow the hole to
Grow larger.
To feel is to rip the hole
Wider.
And so feel,
I cannot.
The waltz was always
Mellow,
Almost melancholic;
And so it so easily
Unstrung - snapped.

Frozen over

The dance paused for
A few months.
Then the music began to play
So did the light
And I
Saw him
In the distance
Flitting in and out,
But remained
A dance partner.

While I swayed along with
The fluctuating notes
Others danced close by
And once I realised they'd left
And would not again
Dance close by
I shrunk back
Once again
Dancing alone

Frozen - crack.

And then he stepped back and
She came.
The water still dripping
Along her arms
We waltzed.
All too familiar
And yet she
Still withdrew
My hands unmoving,
Floating in the air
Where she would be.

And whilst neither left
Our synergy left me
And so my waltz -
In the rays that filter through
The cracks in the roof -
Is steady even when
The light flickers.

The gentle caress of your fingers
I won't forget
For your essence is still there
Even if only in
The Blue Moon
To be honest I've forgotten/not 100% sure what the blue moon refers to but I like this poem so im making it public

Pers Ref(?): 2011ίe-mIDTh1ef

Mar 1 2020

Edit: funny post note that I remembered is that in high school I had a dream I was talking to my sister in a warped version of my house under a crack in the roof of my house. There was one moon and four massive stars (the size of suns when you see the sun during the day), the stars travelling in a circle which had a point where the stars would pass over the moon. Once the stars would pass over the moon, it was I think the stars that would shine brighter (and possibly the moon as well?). And so I may or may not have been thinking about the crack in the roof from that dream... but I wouldn't doubt that the verse about the crack in the roof was just a random instinctual touch that came to mind that felt right in the moment.
Yanamari Sep 2015
My heart, even though already dust,
Somehow continues to break...
And it hurts!
It ****** **** as heck hurts...
And tears seem to be flowing from my dried eyes,
As if my eyes were not dry at all.
The millions of pieces of my heart scrape at my innards,
Almost forcing me to scream,
But I make sure barely a whisper moves out of my lips.
Not because I'm afraid to, but rather I prefer to keep it to myself.
Because no person's there for me anymore...
Yanamari Oct 5
It's a new world.
That moment you resurface
To catch a breath.
Large and dragging
Loud
Water spills away from skin
And the sky never looked the way it does now.
What was I doing underwater?
And what am I doing here,
At the surface?
And the water just encases me
Almost as if I belong in it
And yet I don't.
The water feels so right that
Just like the way it holds me,
My body, mind and heart yearn in return
And the water accepts my tears in a way
That says my tears are part of this ocean

And yet I'm at the surface
And I see the sky that looks so foreign
And the clouds that I can barely register roll by
And the sun that shines its warmth on me
Contrasting the water that returns to the ocean
And I don't want those droplets leaving me
But choices continue to be made and the ocean I swim in isn't mine
Shouldn't be mine
And yet here I am
Questioning what makes a swimmer swim
And whether the ocean reciprocates the desire the swimmer holds for each arm turned in its embrace,
Each leg kicked in an effort to keep up with the enormity of the ocean.
Yanamari Dec 2017
And if I were to compile
All the feelings that I felt
All the pain that was dealt
The time that was spent
The thoughts that were bent
Broken
And made unkempt
Caused my life to run askew
Falling constantly
Slowly losing any rue
Left towards all that I loved...
The clear colours would lose their pure opacity
And wander until
All clarity was lost
In a void of darkness
Yanamari Nov 2017
Stroking the cool surface
that my head rests against
My mind empties of every thought
Every feeling
But the sensation
Of being entrapped within
a point dimension.
...
Reaching past the darkness
As the dimension grows ever larger
Draining my vision,
Stretching my will
thinner and thinner
Is it me who is shrinking
Or is the darkness growing larger?

What is it, that the warmth escapes me
As soon as I reach closer...
Falling out of reach
Never nearly close enough
To fall through my fingers.

That tight feeling in my throat
And that
Air that tugs on my lungs
And that
Urge to tear myself open
In a scream that fills
The empty landscape
...
Closing my eyes,
The cold melding away,
My head sliding down
In a legato staccato of my essence.
Yanamari Feb 2020
Claw at my chest
Raw flesh in my breath
Scream in the pressure of my tongue
Leave me be
For I am one.

Skin under my nails
Shrieking wails echo against
The walls of my brain
Leave me be
For I can barely handle one.

Dark room
Silent room
Empty room
With the exception of me
For I am one.

I am one;
So why is human nature
Burdened by the need for more?
In my desire for nothing more, that is what I have achieved, nothing more. Sans feelings, sans beauty, sans life. And yet life ensues.
Yanamari Nov 2020
Burning candle snuffed
Smoke trail rising
Wick's heat dissipating
Wax cooling slowly
Solidifying the candle again
No sparks
No flames
No heat
Just candle
Just wax
Just wick
Except
The wick is burnt
Shorter than it used to be
The wax's mass decreased
Transformed and floating away
The heat travelling elsewhere
Away from the candle's reach

Flames light
Flames flicker
Flames fade out
Flames swirl with energy
Candles don't
Yanamari Sep 2015
Can I tell you what it means?
To be failing at my dreams?
Can't you see that pains me as I fall,
Fall into a concentrated fog.

As my life takes a sudden turn again by the will of my Lord,
I'm forced on my knees begging for more,
For more of His aid as I am shaken to the core,
My heart cracking at
My mind's sudden clarity.

The winds have changed,
My life rearranged,
The sudden turn awakening,
Awakening my mind.

My mind attempts to gain control,
Losing balance in my unstable soul,
As over and through every space the wind does pass,
Forcing my mind to work fast.
My mind now trying harder at every new sound,
Trying to figure out what is profound,
Profoundly what is meant to be,
What is meant to be for me...

Can I tell you what it means,
What it means to be failing at my dreams?
Can't you see?
That it pains me as it all falls apart.
And slowly so too is my heart...

Can I tell you what it means?
As I train myself to smile,
Acting to those around me and beguile,
Beguile most who surround me to save myself from greater pain,
Protecting my heart from further strain.

As all this happens, as it all falls apart,
It separates the pieces of my heart
Falling apart...
Breaking my heart,
Ripping apart,
Turning to dust.
Yanamari Sep 2015
Things are not as they used to be...
I feel I've become something more
Something more than what I used to be
As if something's changed
Even though nothing seems to have?
The petals are slowly falling
Their fall almost contradicting
The cause of their fall...
And as I stare,
Not at the petals
But into the dark abyss that they are enveloped by,
I'm left wondering
What is left of me,
And what I've lost....
Yanamari Jan 2020
I'll tell you
The story of the circle
Stuck in its path
Slowly turning
Moving forward and yet
Slowly turns back
And although the circle
Tries to pull
Away from its path
The curve is set,
The beginning is its end
Nothing changes;
Not it's knowledge,
It's perspective
Or prosperity.
Full circle,
No beginning
No end.
Yanamari Jun 2018
The world is filled with
Coated entities
Many layers
And of no purity

As soon as I felt
The paint that was painted onto others
Painted on me
I felt infuriated
Frustrated
Helpless... and alone.

As soon as I felt
The paint that I painted on you
Backlash onto me
The oils encircled my throat
And weighed down my chest

That paint that others wield
I cannot bear
Not on me
Not on you
Yanamari Apr 2017
Why is it we're always
Surrounded by water?
Birth
Struggle
Cleansing
Drowning
Lost.

What makes water
A universal dissolver?
What changes when we submerge
And when we float?
What makes water
Both a healer and a
Suffocator?
Like two sides of a coin
It spins and it spins...
Rather than continue, I'll leave it up to the reader to make connections
Yanamari May 2018
I'm beginning to see swirling clouds
Form in my mind
All the thoughts held back
Away from the glares of their eyes
Cocooning myself
Away from their words filled with lies

I cannot bring myself to stand up...
And I don't know why?
Is it the innocent hurt?
Or the lack of strength left in me to vie
For a warmth that is left unfound
As I shroud myself away from their deceitful reprise
And as the shroud I've covered myself with
Becomes colder, to my demise
I've lost my voice
Between all the screams and cries
That are left unheard
Unhelped
Undermined.
Yanamari Oct 2020
And some strings feel more beautiful
Under a night sky
Just like some strings feel more beautiful
Reflecting the sun's rays
So that when the sun passes through the sky
And the earth continues on its path
The string loses its beauty
And it is still beautiful
But to the passing of time,
And under a different light
The string almost dances a different tune,
Even if really, a string never changes when untouched.
And if the time has passed
And beauty fades away
Should one part ways
With a string that once shone warm and peaceful
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, strings in the hand of the owner, value in the heart of each person; differing between each soul.
Yanamari Apr 2017
I want to scream
Scream at the top of my lungs
Scream out the emptiness within
To my heart's content
Until naught remains within

I want to express myself openly
Spread my arms out widely
Cry in grief shamelessly
Keeping my heart on my sleeve.

But having painted our souls
And having tainted our eyes
And faking our smiles
Never really hearing, except what we like
We distort normality
And limit morality
But with the tainted,
Painted perspectives we hold
Morality is always relative.
Yanamari Jun 2018
Deep inside
A part of me watches all this
Agelessly youthful eyes
Untainted and unable to be tainted
Cross-legged,
Attention unwavering.

Silent
Giggling
Crying
A shrill voice
That echoes in the
Vast
Lightless
Cavern of my mind

Hand outstretched
Pointing
Dawdling
Recklessly
Pulling me around
Every note clear
Resonating
In my gaze.

Would I but listen
To you and
You alone,
My world would lose its complexity
And my vision would lose
It's simplicity
Yanamari Sep 2019
I like it when you
Call out to me
Catch up with me
So casually gentle

I like it when you
Smile at me
And redirect my focus
An aura of gentle
Ambiguous clarity

I like it when you
Take your time with me
Talk to me
Even when you're
Running late

Thanks for listening to me
Even when my words
Are exaggeratedly outspoken

It's not all the time,
But in the moments that
You do
I cherish
And I appreciate
You
Thank you
The Aura series:
Yanamari Oct 2016
The synapses have been coagulating
Not stopping
Convoluting
Insanely stretching
Misconstruing

The neurons movements inhibiting
Receding
Freezing
Burning
Silently screaming
Not standing
But fleeing
Already caught
Pleading
To itself...

An intemperate sword strikes
Not once, nor twice
But strikes ever so endlessly
Not merely metal but freezing ice
Burning bright
Filled with conflicting atoms
Each atom appearing small and identical
And yet so volatile
Once the other is brought to the other's presence...

The heart sits in it's seat
At the centre
Watching and yet
Suffering the pain
Begging for balance
And yet
Also understanding each
Being struck repeatedly
Without a sound...

Two atoms meet.
Opposing each other,
They compete.
To occupy the space,
They must defeat,
In order to hold victory
And overlay deceit.
And in their wake
They left behind destruction.
Just as wars leave destruction,
So do conflicting perceptions...
Yanamari May 2019
As I wait
In the night's cold
The echoes of rain long gone
I fall back
Sweet reactions
And sweet smiles
Evoked by the idiosyncrasies of life,
All genuine
Whilst my heart
Congeals the idiosyncratic nature of
My exterior
With my interior.

Duality,
A concept irrevocable.
In it's amalgamation,
The force of its flux
Is unsettling.
And in my unsettled ease
Where does that leave me?
https://youtu.be/ADzobhJVtnw
Rain: II
Yanamari Feb 2018
The rhythm of you,
Every beat,
Every symphony,
Pulls me deeper
Into the thought of you
The sensation of you
The essence of you.

But this rhythm has an end,
Beats eventually stop,
Symphonies fade away,
Into nothingness
The mere entity of you
Already steeling
And enveloping me.

You do not exist.
Yanamari Jun 2019
After the rain's cold has faded,
Clouds still floating away,
I begin to witness
What blindening tumult
The rain had
Cast and strewn upon me...


Congealing on the surface of my
Glass petals; fresh and thick
Colourful drab paint
Coating the layers of my
Fragile inner self, and I
Could only leave it there
To protect me against weathering
Until I
Forgot it was there and I was drowning...
You can only hold your breath for so long

In the warmth of my bed,
In the cold of the rain filled clouds,
I sit in expectation,
Waiting for petals to replace my
Colourfully dripping glass
Again
Rain: III
Yanamari Jul 2019
Hello
I see you again.
A gaze that I process but
Do not comprehend,
Do not want to comprehend

Good bye
If only that was the end.

Not too close and
Not too far
Your shadow looms
Through my mind
A scar;
Not yet embedded however
Amplifying what it can be
Through a simple
Caress to my spine.

Careful and yet
Bold,
Your counterpart less of the former
And more of the latter
And yet currently,
My trust lays more in your
Parallel counter.
I wanted to trust you
But your one slip
Was enough.
I trust no person, a mirror of my ambiguous brevity in my words. All present juxtapositions, but not all juxtapositions are worth bearing. (Pers Ref: 4YS1A1,2)

The Aura Series: V
Yanamari Aug 2018
These tracks playing in the back of my mind
Overlapping
Seeping
Diffusing
Into every sound,
Colour,
Movement...
Infusing into my veins,
Pulse,
Eyes
Gripping my heart
As the surrounding muscle contracts
And takes over

Pumps
Loosening my body
Muscles stiffen,
Peripheral vision darkened
Pump pump
Throat clump
I missed my chance
I missed my chance
Neck outstretched
Eye lids embracing my eyes
You're losing focus
And this distance,
Lack of reassurance,
Eats me up

And so I hide away
Yanamari Feb 2020
Curving fingers
Tear streaks
Toned words,
Tracing around
The curve of my heart

Seeping words
And the thoughts
Attached...
Tracing the
Unique troughs
And crevices:
Modelling the
Sensation of
Clenching

Swirling..
.

These sensations
Aren't foreign
To my mind
Even if the
Feeling is
Or isn't;
Almost tangible

And
Yet
I
Clench
Stop
Freeze
I am
Stuck in place
Yanamari Sep 2019
"There's this dance
That I've memorised"
Whispers a voice by my side
Pulling me along
Twirling me to her foreside


"Should I show you it?"
Fingers smoothing
The crease between my brows,
Fingers tracing my cheek
Down to my hand


Eyes closed, she pulls me forward
Steps not unfamiliar,

"~~~"
~~~

The warmth on my skin
Slowly fades, no more than
A distant memory


"Of course,

The words echo in my ears
Dimming to a loud buzz

Wavering,
"Thank you for the dance."
Yanamari Jan 2019
This world is so limited;
This world of people.
Chained by the
Swirling aether of
Yin and Yang.

This world is so expansive;
All existence continuously overlapping
A butterfly effect
In the form of waves.

Drowning

A complex word.
It's not our world...
Dim
Yanamari Nov 2016
Dim
Naught escapes my fingers but dark, twisting lines.
Lines filled with emptiness.

Naught escapes my lips but intertwined with hints of a shadow.
Not invisible and yet, not noticeable.

Naught escapes my gaze without consideration of murkiness.
Wariness, a shield infused with thorns on its handle.

Naught escapes my mind and heart without entanglement.
Filtering and organising thoughts into a greater mess.

Naught escapes my soul but vacant sighs.
Moving forward whilst not fully comprehending why.
Yanamari Nov 2020
White noise
Brown noise
Pink
Grey
Absorbing my voice
My soul
Ringing
Heart beating
Fridge whirring
Train tracks humming
Bed sheets warming my legs beneath me
Squishy pillow overheating me
Lights on
Lights on
Yanamari Sep 2020
"Whatever tickles your pickles"
"Whatever helps you sleep at night"
Words that dance with the
Clenching of my heart as I choose my actions
Engage to disengage
And yet each hover of my finger,
Each moment spent amongst the heavy swirling in my heart and stomach;
Thoughts clinging to what can't be
Hoping
Thoughts cutting deeper to sever what I can never have

This time instead breathe in
As my finger hovers, that is all that happens
If it was meant to be it would be
They are not what matters in the moment,
Not more than you
Yanamari Feb 2016
Day passes on to night,
Night passes on to day,
Every second that passes
Witnesses my heart's decay.

My heart lost in its previous agony
Sheds tears of sedation,
Numbing its own passions,
To forget its almost amputation.

My heart has suffered many losses,
So my brain continually consoles it,
My soul now conflicted,
As to how they should together truly fit.

My heart and mind have lost their balance,
Lost their ability to function and thrive,
Together as a partnership,
Under the observance of my soul's derive.
Yanamari Sep 2018
How high can I fly
Before I fall?

A question, from my lips
You'll never recall.
For in whatever you may call
My life
I had always been drowning
Every smile
Laced with misery
Every connection
Developed from my energy
Every word
Every word
Full of honesty

You know
The reason why
You see me there
Everywhere
And yet
I am always not there
Is because
With every interaction
That I make
There is nothing that is shared
Only held
And then abandoned.

How high can I fly
Before I fall?

The question is easily answered.
I am already drowning
Drowning in everywhere I am
And everywhere I am not.
The real question is,
How long
And when,
Til I land?
Yanamari Aug 2018
Drunk.
On the thoughts occupying my mind,
Drunk.
On the preoccupations playing in front of my eyes,
Drunk.

Floating in my drunkenness...
My only wish
Does not exist.
Because,
Floating in the drunkenness of my pain has
Taken my awareness away.
Drunk.
Yanamari Nov 2016
Twisting, seething...
Longing, wreathing...
Losses...

Shining, gleaming...
Welcoming, warming...
Moving forward...

Light and darkness.

A figure stands,
Only half to be seen,
Only half in the _
The half visible shrouded in light,
Beaming,
Holding on to outstretched hands
They pull
But the figure is stuck half in the
_ ...
Stuck...

The figure walks on,
Disappearing momentarily,
Alone momentarily,
In warmth momentarily.

Each step the figure takes is steady,
Rolling soundlessly,
Echoing emptily.

Each blink swiping in synchrony,
Eyes dead set,
Pupils unfocused vacantly.

Body slouched,
Ears perked,
Brain speeding
Heart lurching
Body moving straightforward
Soul wandering
Yanamari Nov 2020
And just like the escalation of pleasure
The release of pain works based on a dual model
As I enter my only semblance of safety
The model comes into effect
I come to learn more about myself
About the way I thought I felt so much cold already
When really subconsciously there was so much more
Almost as if the insults I'd received as a teenager about being too sensitive were close to baseless
That is, compared to the emotions that swam inside me, away from the hawk-like eyes of humanity
Even if the more I learn about everything makes me more tangible
Everything becomes more intangible
And I struggle to hold on
Because even my insides seem to want to claw out
Even in the one place that has little safety
And I would open my mouth to call for more safety
But when I try to I lose my sense of safety
When I try to, anything that comes out of my mouth is displaced from me
As if my body knows that its no longer safe existing in the body that is calling for help
And I'm stuck clawing back for my body but even when my mouth shuts
My body feels hazy
My mind buzzing
And my breathing unfamiliar
My stomach unsettled
Even if I hug my pillow when I feel at a low
Its not enough
My organs clench uncomfortably
And I want to feel comfort so badly
But my subconscious is like swimming to the bottom of an ocean without oxygen
And I'm left on my own like I have all the other times that have passed, the only thing I gain is experience
And I try to gain more awareness of my surroundings but its all so cold
That I can only be numb even to my own self
I can only hear the roar of brown noise even if my heart is beating so strongly inside me

The more I pass through life, the more I learn about duality
Like developing realisations that I can reach for so much, and yet understanding more and more that I might not be able reach much at all
At some point I realised that when I was placed in situations where I felt confronted, my hands shook even if I felt nothing. Holding my hands closer to my eyes, I didn't really feel anything. Even thinking 'maybe I am actually feeling afraid right now or maybe I'm feeling hurt' or whatever, what I felt while having those thoughts was nothing, even when the tears came to my eyes and I had to hold them back, I felt nothing. And it was conflicting, still is when I realise that I'm more shaken then I realise, more hurt than I realise. Especially when you learn that your upbringing has a lot to do with whether you're more conscious of certain emotions or how those emotions play out inside of you...
Yanamari May 2018
An overwhelming feeling
under-
whelming

Seeping into my veins
slowly
bleeding

Corrupting my brain
ringing
whispers

Muddling my sight
dim
lights

Corroding my soul
draining
time

Until I am overtaken
Glazed
eyes

By my loss of will
Where
Loss of might
Am I?
Sans all
Yanamari Mar 2019
I don't want anything to do with this world.
Not now, not ever.

I yearn for eternal slumber;
Too wise for an induced end.

An end just beyond my clutches,
Not long left.

Air ever so heavy,
No light in sight. I've
Given up on reaching out and
Entering the
Light.

What use is it to
Hold on
Only to fall deeper?


Eve strikes as I
Lean my head against the wall
Undermined by the tar, gently bubbling,
Doubling in my heart.
Eating at my consciousness,
Slowly encompassing my eyes.
When will it strike this year... If it chooses to strike at all...
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