I can't do this anymore.
Stepping closer
And
Getting pulled closer,
And then getting pushed away
Or
Having to step away.
I can't do that.
And please...
Don't force me to do that.
My whole life is made out of
Ice
And if
I have to step away,
I'll break,
Crushed under the ice cold of
My imploding desire and pain
For you.

I can only deal with so much
At once.
I didn't even learn how to
Piece myself together the last time.
I'm frozen all over
And I am depending on your warmth,
So please,
Don't break me
While I stand close by...
I don't want to step away.

This can't go on.
The confusion,
The anxiety,
The difference...
To my usual distance.

I've never felt warmth in my heart
Nor the fluttering of my stomach
Or my heart racing
Due to any person
And so...
These feelings that I have...
When my heart beats
And when my stomach flutters
Without that warmth that I expected
To feel...
I become more confused
And more agitated
Is this what I'm supposed to feel?
Or will the warmth develop
As our hearts unseal?

The confusion is killing me
As I step into the forbidden
And what lays beyond,
Will either become
Bare
Or forever hidden.

Maybe I'm assuming,
But if it does happen,
Before it happens,
I want to write of
How much I value you.

In your presence,
I do not smile.
I do not vie to keep
The conversation alive.
I do not mask my boundaries
And make sure to show you
My pain.

But in your presence,
I do not feel the need to force a smile.
I do not feel the need to vie to keep
The conversation alive.
I do not feel the need to mask my boundaries
And I am that little bit more comfortable
In showing you my pain
In comparison to everyone else.

We do not need to laugh
For me to value you as much as I do.
I value you for you.
For caring while you did
And just, for being you.

And if ever,
I can never not feel the need to
Force a smile,
Vie to keep the conversation alive,
And mask my boundaries,
Then that would be the point,
Where you and I
Would become lost.

These words that flow
Around my mind,
I try to appreciate,
I try to confide
These words with
My dear ones,
But often they are toxic
And burn
At the corner of my eyes.

These words that flow
Into my ears
Slowly fade into
My love and fears
Melding with the foundations that prop me up
These foundations constantly amalgamating
With the words of the surrounding world.

These words that flow
Into my eyes
Slowly pull me... aside
Deeper into
The darkness of my fears
Slowly into
A cold
Cold abyss.

And where your light shines
I'd hope to smile
But my smile is hidden
In the words
Left unspoken
Floating around my mind
Flowing in the cold of my eyes.

I'm falling again
And I love You but
My choices
No matter how much I refuse them
Keep me in vain
The worth of You
Is incomparable
And yet
I choose
To look away
The pain is there
And yet
I refuse to feel

From the beginning
You meant the most
To me
And You always
Kept me sane
Those moments
I almost gave it up
But then turned around...
I owe it all to You

So please turn me around
Before I lose myself again.

The conflict of new paths,
Keys,
And perspectives...
Is that they all lead to the foreign
Whether good or bad.
And more often than not,
Predicting the outcomes is impossible.

What if I'm striving in vain?
If I'm afraid of death and endings,
Then why can't I be afraid of pain?

Sans endless
When the ending is decided...

Deep inside
A part of me watches all this
Agelessly youthful eyes
Untainted and unable to be tainted
Cross-legged,
Attention unwavering.

Silent
Giggling
Crying
A shrill voice
That echoes in the
Vast
Lightless
Cavern of my mind

Hand outstretched
Pointing
Dawdling
Recklessly
Pulling me around
Every note clear
Resonating
In my gaze.

Would I but listen
To you and
You alone,
My world would lose its complexity
And my vision would lose
It's simplicity

And every step
Stepping
Towards you
Is a leap
Full of laughter
Painless
Light on my heart

And every step
Stepping
Towards you
Is sped as I land
Back onto earth
Back into my life

And every step
Stepping
Towards you
Is rebalancing myself
As I try to understand
What it is that I am doing
As I gaze out to the empty horizon

And every step,
Stepping
Towards you...
Is full of worry
Every next step reconsidered
Every next foothold possibly
Disfigured
The uncertainty in each step...?
Whispers and whispers
Of silence
Whispers and whispers
For warmth
Whispers and whispers...

With every note that flows
Every stage that goes
I get closer to an end
Maybe closer to you

Every staccato that unfolds
Overlapping that legato left untold
Moves me closer to an end
A stage ending with you

Every rise
And every fall
I hope
To find you

So used to the idea
Of two different melodies
Starting together instantaneously...
That I so desperately want you

But as the arrangement continues to flow
In a cadence of escalating ostinato
The hope that there is a stretto or
Chord progression... Slowly weakens with the idea of you

So much so that
Every beat resonates within me deeper
And courses through my veins
Almost leaving no space
For you

The pain left in every note that
Brings me closer to the end
Twists you into a syncopation
And I into a ballad of bottomless commiseration

I just...
I pray to God
That my composition ends
In the best quality it could ever be.

Relationships...
To me that word
Is the embodiment...
Of Solidity.
Because
Partnership
And Friendship
Are not items to be joked about
To the extent that
The unity between two people
Is almost holy...
To the extent that
Jumping into depths
With a person I barely know
Is overwhelming and suffocating;
that unity...
I would not give away so easily.
For I am a romantic
And for that one person
I give my soul,
my eyes,
my heart...
and my everything.

The world is filled with
Coated entities
Many layers
And of no purity

As soon as I felt
The paint that was painted onto others
Painted on me
I felt infuriated
Frustrated
Helpless... and alone.

As soon as I felt
The paint that I painted on you
Backlash onto me
The oils encircled my throat
And weighed down my chest

That paint that others wield
I cannot bear
Not on me
Not on you

The sorrow is eating me up
Choking me
'I need you...'
I whisper
To the emptiness
Of the place I've reserved
In my heart,
Eating at the warmth reserved
For the people that I even remotely value...

I'm beginning to see swirling clouds
Form in my mind
All the thoughts held back
Away from the glares of their eyes
Cocooning myself
Away from their words filled with lies

I cannot bring myself to stand up...
And I don't know why?
Is it the innocent hurt?
Or the lack of strength left in me to vie
For a warmth that is left unfound
As I shroud myself away from their deceitful reprise
And as the shroud I've covered myself with
Becomes colder, to my demise
I've lost my voice
Between all the screams and cries
That are left unheard
Unhelped
Undermined.

Like the sugar I lick off the tips of my fingers
Like the moment before falling asleep
Like the loss of thirst after drinking water
Like the instant of realisation when I comprehend the truth...

All momentary
All relieving
Like an extended release of rhythmic legato notes...

An overwhelming feeling
under-
whelming
Seeping into my veins
slowly
bleeding
Corrupting my brain
ringing
whispers
Muddling my sight
dim
lights
Corroding my soul
draining
time
Until I am overtaken
Glazed
eyes
By my loss of will
Where
Loss of might
Am I?
Sans all

I'm losing touch...
'Why?' and 'Why not?'
Slowly loses it's importance.
As I slide back
Into a position of static fluctus,
My fingers lace
The frozen collar on my neck
And I step out to the world once more.

Sans flux,
Sans motion,
Sans life.

The only barriers surrounding me are mine
And mine alone.

I feel the icy walls
Rising up around me
In my reach
And under my touch
I don't look up
I don't look out
I don't try to reach
Past the walls about.

And if I see
A sliver of the light
Tears blur my sight
And I collapse
As the walls come crashing down...

And if you catch
My soul by chance
I would crack
Into a million shards of ice;
My final barrier
And the end all...

I see a new key close by
Not shiny
Or fancy
Not even sleek
But sturdy-looking
Substantial
And rigid inside.

Knowing myself and,
That every key leads to
New doors
I begin to reach out to it.

But I know that
A murky barrier surrounds it,
Just like the barrier around my heart.
And knowing myself best,
The high ice palace that
I reside upon,
The expansive, endless
Landscape of frozen tidal waves,
And the amount of times it has
Crumpled down
Because of illusions and
Darkness...
I understand
That reaching out quickly will
Break me down.
And it'll probably affect the key too.
However, I can only feel
The ice tower and landscape
That surrounds me
So how can I handle taking care
Of a key all rusted inside,
If I'm just as unstable?

I don't trust myself.
And I don't want to destroy
The key in front of me
Or the barrier that surrounds it
Irresponsibly.

So I will be wary
While reaching towards
This key
Ready to say
Goodbye.

The waters lap around you
As if a centrepoint
Pulling all to surround you
When you are but merely
Just there.

You pull in tides and waves
Caressing and slamming into your
So called silhouette
That isn't even there.

You dally in that one spot
And when it pleases you
You vanish
As if you were only air.

And maybe you were...
And the water was just attempting
To fill in a spot
Of the moon's desirous rare;
Tumultuous silence

And once you make it known
That you are no longer there
The waters crush the air
Slam the grounds
And loses its tidal direction.
But it never comes close to
Your spot.
Not by an inch or a hair.

Just in case
You come back
Or could still
Be there.

And as I feel your presence
Receding behind me,
Unable to turn around
I freeze
Unable to take a step forward
A step away from you.

And yet you continue to recede
My nonchalant facade
Fading away with you
And I close my eyes
Knowing when I turn around
You'd have disappeared
Leaving darkness in your place,
Sightlessness
Soundlessness...
Lost to a place
Where I can't reach out
And sense your warm memory.

So I don't turn around.
I don't let my emotions flow,
Slowly opening my eyes
To the sight of a grey
Barren world again.

The rhythm of you,
Every beat,
Every symphony,
Pulls me deeper
Into the thought of you
The sensation of you
The essence of you.

But this rhythm has an end,
Beats eventually stop,
Symphonies fade away,
Into nothingness
The mere entity of you
Already steeling
And enveloping me.

You do not exist.

I'm being engulfed
In the clutches of darkness
It's slow-motioned embrace
Calculated and unforgiving
Unrelenting
It's greedy hold
Swallowing me
It's fingers sliding
Over my arms
My legs
Holding delicately
Yet firmly
Sliding over my neck
Caressing my chin
And lapping at my ears
Tainting my field of vision...

Many times do I deny
The reasons why
I feel the pain that I do,
Vying to forget
And cause myself
To suffer ever longer.

But I can only try to
Run away
As I know that these feelings
Will only fray
As they are left
Unobservable by you.

How do I know?
I don't.
But you never saw these feelings
Even though you knew.

And if I were to wait for
Your gaze to fall upon
My stranded feelings
It would be too late.

So that's why I ran away,
Even if my heart is forever stranded,
It'd be easier to forget your smile,
Your voice,
And your soul
And avoid wasting away the
Little strength I have left.

And if by some chance
My eyes were closed this whole time
And if severed the ties that I valued
Over illusions unreal -
No chance to redeem -
I'd have no reason to live
No reason to breathe.

And if I were to compile
All the feelings that I felt
All the pain that was dealt
The time that was spent
The thoughts that were bent
Broken
And made unkempt
Caused my life to run askew
Falling constantly
Slowly losing any rue
Left towards all that I loved...
The clear colours would lose their pure opacity
And wander until
All clarity was lost
In a void of darkness

Stroking the cool surface
that my head rests against
My mind empties of every thought
Every feeling
But the sensation
Of being entrapped within
a point dimension.
...
Reaching past the darkness
As the dimension grows ever larger
Draining my vision,
Stretching my will
thinner and thinner
Is it me who is shrinking
Or is the darkness growing larger?
What is it, that the warmth escapes me
As soon as I reach closer...
Falling out of reach
Never nearly close enough
To fall through my fingers.

That tight feeling in my throat
And that
Air that tugs on my lungs
And that
Urge to tear myself open
In a scream that fills
The empty landscape
...
Closing my eyes,
The cold melding away,
My head sliding down
In a legato staccato of my essence.

An eternal moment.
Dark,
Suffocating,
Tearing.
Alone.

What echoes in the distance,
Whispers in my ears
And wails outside my window at night,
Is your words.
The words that heaved me up
And threw me down,
The words that drew me in
And drained me out,
The words that stole my soul
And left in me a gaping hole...

Your words...
In which was a broken warmth
So when you opened my heart
And cut my veins,
You were never really close
But far away
Your words twisted and vile
Corrupted my mind
And left me defiled.
Lost...
And tired.

Crack*
The mirror broke.
And such a thing, although inevitable,
Tainted my vision,
And stole my hope.
I lost my smile,
When, what I had was lost.
Irreparable,
Irreplaceable,
Overwhelmingly...
Untraceable.
­
Over time the pain faded
And was replaced anew,
Increasingly constant,
Blindening,
Suffocating.

Crack
Another's mirror broke
And the innocent pain, revived,
Gifted my mind,
With the cracked
Memory of my mirror.

A cube exists around me.
A cube of darkness closing in,
A cube of walls unknown;
Walls that are endless and confining.
A cube isolated and alone.

A cube of turbulent motionlessness,
Intertwining in my veins,
A cube of perpetual poisoning,
A cube of living death.

Light does not enter it,
Nor does it escape.
Rather, it is ****** in,
And implodes at sanity's end.

Inching forward
Face down
Flat on the ground
On the verge of a coma
The strength in me almost
Lost in the darkness
That has encompassed me

Holding out an arm towards
A light I can't seem to see
Awareness towards the pain
Increases continuously
Alone in the darkness of
My soul's demise
It's corruption pulls blindingly
It's whispers of sloth snaking
Through my veins
And into my finger tips...

My hand is slowly giving way
And so is my will
It probably won't stay
Not after my hand touches the ground
And my veins become still
My eyes permanently blinded
My heart completely darkened
That supposed light...
****** into the darkness.

Floating
Bubbles rising to the surface
Echoing in the silent landscape
The body moving perpetually
Poison spreading through the body
The body tearing apart from its center
Quietly
Lifelessly
Motionlessly

I lost my voice
Under the sun's radiant shadow
My eyesight warped and stretched
Draining me of my warmth
I lost my hearing
The laughter and voices morphed into a silent ringing...

Take my breath
Take my soul
Take my eyes
Take me whole
Pull me apart
Rip me to shreds
Set me alight
Cut every connecting thread

Lift my body
Stretch it thin
Snap my core
You know no sin
The darkness festers
In my growing shade
It's cold, intoxicating
It's heat overbearingly immeasurable

Cleave me apart
At the moments night
Cleave me together
At the rising sun,
The night already sneered
At my restless soul
"Sleep in the day",
It whispered into my ear,
As I lowered my head.

The darkness festered too long
In the shade
And had already
Poisoned me by day.

I am afraid of the pain
Of being rejected again
But my heart yearns
And yet reels all the same.

The barriers that surround me
Rise higher than mountains, but
Take a step towards me
And they'll come tumbling down.

But those walls rise
Again and again
Pushing back all
So that when I look to the sky,
I look straight up
So that I don't notice
The empty landscape...

Feelings override all.
Happiness, sadness
And emptiness alike.
Feelings conquer all.

The path of life
Assigned the name time
Is a path constructed based on emotions.
Laziness,
Aloofness,
Motivation,
Effort...
All weave to determine one's path's shape.
Anger and hunger
Shortening
Sorrow and regret
Lengthening
Love and satisfaction
Strengthening
The cold and darkness
Slowly thinning
One's path
Thread by thread.

Feelings... are all encompassing.
To manipulate feelings is to be manipulated,
And to succeed is to walk filled with it.

Take my soul and
Rip it to shreds
Pick up the pieces and then
Step all over them
Ignore my screams and
Feed me the poison you make
Just forget my presence and
Leave me there to rot.

My soul is dazed
So just do whatever you want
Don't worry if I care
Coz I'll always forgive you, no?
Step closer to me and
Just cleave my soul asunder
I only just live
It doesn't matter.

When do petals lose their gentle sway?
When do they detach
And begin to float away?
What sort of pressures
Cause it's smoothness to fray?
Dryed and roughened,
Weakened and flayed.

When do petals begin to fall?
Into a world of dirt and decay...
Soon after, when is it,
That they crumble and break?
Laying on a horizon strewn,
With vague silhouettes and
Unfamiliarity.

And if after, the petal gathers itself,
When is it, that it is raised into the sky,
Into a familiar unfamiliar atmosphere?
When is it that the petal loses itself,
And in its emptiness,
Tears at its own soul profusely?
Elevated high
Into the expansive, empty sky
Away and away
From any natural warmth
And cleaved apart from any stability.

Because...
The petal,
When it lays back against the wind,
The image of freedom it always imagined,
Was actually
A prison.

Time passed,
And we are exposed to each other
Again
But this time
It's different.

The emptiness that fills me
No longer yearns for you
And as your artificial warmth fills me
I cannot but feel repulsed
And yet
I still stay close by.

Why do I expose myself to such suffering
If I can just leave you
And float away?
What makes you essential
To my survival,
To my support?
What value do you hold
If you burn my already empty soul
With confusion and
Chaos?

My soul is already tearing apart
And yet here you are
Setting my soul alight
As if I wasn't tired enough.

I am surrounded by a desolate landscape
Atop a tower of varying height
In a world bereft of power
No warmth, no cold
To feel in the sun's lake.

I stand atop a tower
Surrounded by a distance limited
No sound
No movement,
And yet
The rush of wind
Resounding in my mind.

I stand atop a tower
My body floating on its roof's midst
I stand atop a tower
Of height appearing small
And yet
I cannot bring myself to leap.

What is it that I want?
Staying atop this tower
What is it that I want?
Feeling naught
But the rampant silence
What is it that I want?
Is that a question I even want to answer?

My love, is like that of
A plant and an oxygen molecule;
It enters my heart and
Nourishes my soul
So that
When it takes its leave
And I see it again,
In its changed form,
Its value is lost to me.

My love is like that of
Alcohol on a wound
Its intoxicating nature pains me
And yet cleanses me
So that when the pain disappears
And the alcohol evaporates
The wound feels prolonged pain
Til it heals,
Even then leaving a scar.

My love... is like that of
A fading memory
With passing time
And lack of remembrance,
When brought forth again,
It becomes a wistful memory.

My love is
Ever so fleeting,
Always misleading,
Waning,
Carefully reeling;
Withdrawing in confusion
Shutting doors,
It ignores
The warmth that surrounds it
For the fear of
Hurting again.

In its fear,
My heart begins to tear
My body loses its warmth
My words lose their strength
My mind loses it conviction
My soul...
Suffers, oppressed in its
Painted prison.

The water rushes is in
Slammi--

The water laps gently
On the side of a metal container
In the darknes--

Slamming
Flooding
Almost choking
Encompassin--

The water recedes
The white froth forming momentarily
Bubbles dancing
Back and forth--

Back and forth...
Back and forth
Deafening
Silently
Ripping
Tearin--

It sloshes
Using its smooth shrivelled hands
To wave away the heat
Wiping off the droplets--

The container vibrates violently
The echoing sounds of the
Tumultuous noise ricocheting
Inside the metal walls
Of the empty
Contai--

What compels one to believe
That they must seek permission to feel free
To express themselves openly
When neither does any person own the worlds
Nor do they have any right over you.

And as the soul reacts to the
Colours that you paint it
And as the soul emits a cry of agony
The swirling walls seeping into its body
It reaches out
On a two dimensional plane
Laid bare with the souls of all, strewn
In whatever manner each soul can take
Because each soul has its due
And each soul must use
Whatever it can to survive.

I want to scream
Scream at the top of my lungs
Scream out the emptiness within
To my heart's content
Until naught remains within

I want to express myself openly
Spread my arms out widely
Cry in grief shamelessly
Keeping my heart on my sleeve.

But having painted our souls
And having tainted our eyes
And faking our smiles
Never really hearing, except what we like
We distort normality
And limit morality
But with the tainted,
Painted perspectives we hold
Morality is always relative.

Why is it we're always
Surrounded by water?
Birth
Struggle
Cleansing
Drowning
Lost.

What makes water
A universal dissolver?
What changes when we submerge
And when we float?
What makes water
Both a healer and a
Suffocator?
Like two sides of a coin
It spins and it spins...

If I could paint the skies
I would paint it with the links of my mind
I would paint it with cyans and magentas and limes
Reds and oranges and yellows
Blacks and greys and white
All sorts of colours
I would paint it with sorrow and happiness alike
I would paint it with the voice of my soul alight
I would paint the sky with my emptiness...
And the result
Would be the same night sky I see.
Stars shining bright
No hint of any other colour but
The midnight painted with white spots.
Galaxies invisible
Shooting stars veiled
The moon irrepressible
The stars afield
Their lights not powerful
But gentle on the eyes
Caressing the soul
Of the weary and tired.

If I could paint the skies...
And if only I could,
I would paint it all colours alike
With a thick paintbrush
Soaked in a water airy as can be...
But, that is,
If only.

I stare into the clouded night sky
That shines the light of the sun on the clouds
Via the moon that orbits the Earth
Continuously
Round and round
Held in by
Just the right amount
Of gravity.
Nothing more,
Nothing less.

I am the moon
That moves on continuously
Seeking something more
But spending time frivolously.
Not moving forward
Or backward
But
Riding a course almost effortlessly
Weighing the balance of my course
On the moment and not
Resisting the force of the Earth.

I am the Earth
Attracting nothing useful to myself
Losing my health exponentially
My skin scars grow deeper
With the pollution of the bacteria
Ever multiplying
Not even their deaths diminishing
The pain of my barrier being torn
By my internal conflict
And I...
Just float.
Orbiting a greater body than I.

I am the sun
Feeling not the heat that is embedded
Within me
I question
If I can really feel anymore
Even though my skin is warm
My core still fusing,
Beating,
Emotions clashing within me
So much so that my body
Distances its core
From the surface
And I forget to worry
If...
I expand so far
And then collapse
Into myself
And become a void
******* in emotions
Numbly
Because I lost what was left of me.

I am the universe
Full of mystery
Full of dark shades
And galaxies plenty
Many planets,
Stars and satellites
That whirl and whirl
Into sight
Or disappear in a black hole.
I am the universe
That continues to expand
Stretching
Straining
Out of hand
Continuing on
Because I can
And this universe
This body is not mine
I cannot end it
At least,
It has not expended enough
To implode
Nor do I want it to
By the will that subconsciously
Remains within me.

Raw
Overpowering
Unnameable
These raw states
That our souls
Are overridden with
Belittled to the term
Feelings
Words such as
Love and hate
Used to quantify and
Identify
Yet
Such words
Limit us
Shake us
Imprison
Mute
Tear
****.

You stand so brightly
In a world ever expansive
Holding yourself high with
What little strength
That tiny vessel holds

For you my flower
I would
Cut away the shadows
For you my radiance
I would
Surround you with light
For you my flower
I would
Make sure you are well nourished,
Content.
But for the fear that
I am building a prison around you,
I freeze.

So I let you feel
Winds of ice and,
Darkness prolonged and,
Undernourished soil
But...
But I make sure that,
Whatever you experience in this world...
Isn't​ anything more than you can handle.

I am surrounded by strings.
Strings I can see
And strings that I can't see
Strings that require effort
To reach
And strings that require
No effort at all.

As I lay,
In this woven world,
I hope to chance upon
The string I desire.
But is such a thing possible?
Or do I have to make my own?
How much strength do I need to achieve it?
...
What sort of strength do I need?

As I lay wasted,
Staring at the interlocked strings above,
I struggle to comprehend
What effort is needed
To reach the string I yearn
For so many strands
Interlock to form
One string
And one strand
Changes the string completely.

I revisit a scene once passed
A scene that went by too fast
I unconsciously reach out
And then
Fall into a ditch of murky black.

The first fall, a fall vestigial
The second fall, a fall wistful
Wistful, for I understand
That fall was untasteful
A fall that was not down
But sidewards
Not into a shadow but
A curtain painted black
A curtain that could always
Be drawn back
That is
If you wanted to push past
The strength that you lack.

A fall is a fall
But not always a fall;
In this universe
Direction is relative,
Symptoms and disease
Are not equivalent,
However
It is up to you
To draw back the curtain.