I hold love and yet
I repel love
I hold pain and yet
I am numb to pain
I can stand time
And yet...
I cannot seem to stand
Time...
Time is but a commodity
And yet I still feel at loss
Pushing forward against the axis of time
Pain equaling the progression of time
So that my pain never decreases and suffers
At a gradient of forced positivity
Or is it really forced?
To live in a state of both pain and positivity?
Is it really forced?
To fear death and yet also infinity
Is it really forced?
When you can see all that which surrounds you
As if blessings hide and yet are plain to sight

But to live through that all brings about confusion
You continue to move forward without falter and yet
You find yourself in seclusion
Not wanting to be found and yet
Seeking warmth til delusion
Finding comfort in the painful cold
And yet begging for the warmth of a human.

Time is but a commodity,
And yet man cannot compare,
They fall weak to its clutches,
And lose to despair.
Take a hint and do not try to live in seclusion
Because one can only take so much pain.

And because the pain wouldn't cease
And no words seemed to heal
I ceased to look for the ease
That, if found, would release me.

Because I was already blessed.
However I will still lock parts of me,
Away from the need to be confessed
Til the day I deem they are safe to be unlocked...

Will that day ever come?
...
Only time will tell.

To keep myself away from harm,
To protect myself from pain,
To push away confusion,
To keep myself sane,
I lie to myself,
Creating false hope.

I look into a mirage,
Not being able to cope
No it's okay, Don't Worry!
Attempting to take myself for a dope.

But it doesn't work,
I know myself too well,
I cover the glass of truth
Forcing myself into hell

But the light shines through the glass,
And penetrates the seal,
Removing the cover,
My body begins to reel.

Stop lying to yourself
Stop lying, please!
Don't hurt yourself anymore
Don't hurt yourself... just cease!
Or I won't be able to carry you anymore,
Carry the burden that you keep
Just uncover the glass,
And look into it deep...

These false hopes that I burden myself with,
They twist and they tease,
They play at possibilities,
Cause me to hope,
But when it does not come true
What shall I feel
Oh soul of mine...

And like a drop of blood...
sliding down your finger.
A pin ***** that formed
Red stains that linger,
Dangling,
Slowly gathering,
Growing bigger,

Dropping...

And like a drop of blood,
You formed a part of me.
And like a drop of blood
You swam in memory's sea.
You shook the waters and vibrated
The roots of my heart's aging tree.
As you coursed through my veins
Losing your voice as you whisper your dying plea...

And like a drop of blood
sliding down my finger...
I slowly forget what you meant to me.
And like a drop of blood,
sliding down my finger...
You cause my heart to thud,
As you longingly cling
Before you reach the tip.

A pin ***** that formed,
left one aching for less and more...
A pin ***** that formed
its pain slowly tinkers,
Disappearing as the pain is slowly covered.

Red stains that linger,
Slowly gathering,
Growing bigger,
Til all its remnants removed,

Meet...
Forgotten,
Dropping...
And fall as one together.

What am I really inside?
I claim to understand myself
To know why I cry
Why I laugh
Why I lie
And yet...
And yet
Something doesn't sit right with me
Inside...

Maybe I know myself
Maybe I do
And yet
And yet...
The conflict inside me tells me I'm wrong
That I only know my outside
Just like I know of the people around me.

What do I want?
What do I need?

What do I want...
I cannot read deep into myself
What do I need...
I cannot see what twirls in my inner depths
Why can't I...?
Was I ever really meant to be able to read into my dark and lonely depths?
With a character like mine who wishes to live in the light
Can I really see into my darkness?

Pain
A shackle of inhibition
Thorns of indecision
The indecision of the conflict in one's mind.

Pain
A sword of intemperate ice
Slicing left and right
Asking for naught yet aiming
To be a solace after 101 strokes

Pain
A mere matter of perspective
A sheer term of conditions
A tear to join a million
A comfort or a torture?

When you entrust someone with something,
anything,
personal...
What hurts most is
When they use that part of you to strike you,
As if it hadn't hurt you enough already.

When you tell a person something,
anything,
personal...
Expecting them to understand and
Help you
What hurts most is
When they hear it all and don't understand

When you are confused about something,
anything
personal...
Confused so much that it hurts,
And you feel like you need to tell someone,
What hurts most is
Holding it in

What has the potential to hurt most is what you decide for yourself.

Basically, that's what I've become,
Numb
Emotionally numb,
Making it harder for me to succumb,
To feelings that plagued me in the past.

Yet when I say numb,
I mean sedation through pain
Confusing?
Not at all...
Especially not confusing for the numb

I spread my wings to fly,
Singing to fly,
Wishing to fly,
To be free of imprisonment,
Free of this environment.

I spread my wings to fly,
Beginning to fly,
Grinning to fly,
Hoping for a new world,
A new world of hope.

I spread my wings to fly,
To fly up and high,
Not feeling a sigh,
Escaping my lips.
Not thinking this was another painted fib.

I spread my wings to fly,
Now realising the true colours of the sky,
A beautiful elegant blue,
Not just full of life,
But full of stinging frosts and shrieking swords...

I spread my wings to fly,
But am I really flying?
Am I really flying if I am as I was before?
I spread my wings to fly,
But in reality... I never even left the earth.

The roots of trust are entwined in a soil of dependence.
The roots depend on the strength and warmth of the soil to provide nourishment.
Without dependence, trust begins to shrivel and fade,
it's roots slipping out of the loosened hold of the soil,
The plant falling,
lying alone in the cold shadows of the sun's rays.

To try to place it's roots back into soil can decay the plant further,
To try to hold up the plant without soil whilst being surrounded by nourished plants is even greater torture.
Almost any attempt is proven futile.

The only attempt one may make to have the plant to stand again is to find a very special soil.
One that meets the needs of the plants.
Soil that is willing to attend to the plant whenever the plant requires it,
to make sure trust doesn't wither in confusion,
to make sure that trust...
that trust doesn't suffer one time more.

It's painful,
Lying in the cold shadows,
Comforting your own sorrows.

It's torment,
To look for hope,
Only to find it taken by someone else.

It's agonizing,
To understand all those who surround you,
Yet not be understood by any of them.

It's torturous
To be let down so many times...
And yet still hope for comfort.

It's tortuous...
And you just seem to keep bleeding,
You just seem to keep bleeding as you move forward.

It's almost painfully painless,
Because the pain keeps coming,
Only to be numbing the scars of the past.

And it hurts,
To watch all the people around you,
Yet to feel all alone in such a small world.

You know, when you witness a car crash in full motion,
It's abruptness shakes you out of your core,
Because when cars crash on the news you only see the commotion,
Not the fragility of the moving bodies which you would never have accounted for.

You witness the horrible instantaneous compression of the car's crumple zone,
Not shown in the news reports which you usually seem to know.

You hear a sudden shriek that cries for your attention,
Not heard of in the news reports which don't describe the dreadful throe.

You feel a sudden atmosphere of sharp confusion,
Conflicting with any atmosphere you previously used to know.

The disparity of these situations is quite familiar, you know,
Something not unheard of, as many of us know,
Like the sudden moments we're frozen in time trying to start forward again,
After colliding, breaking our hopes and dreams, confused as to how to move forward again.

Day passes on to night,
Night passes on to day,
Every second that passes
Witnesses my heart's decay.

My heart lost in its previous agony
Sheds tears of sedation,
Numbing its own passions,
To forget its almost amputation.

My heart has suffered many losses,
So my brain continually consoles it,
My soul now conflicted,
As to how they should together truly fit.

My heart and mind have lost their balance,
Lost their ability to function and thrive,
Together as a partnership,
Under the observance of my soul's derive.

How much more can I write?
As parts of me continue to dwindle
How much more can I write?
If the English language is limited and pain is only so large
How much more can I write?...
As the winds blow violently, twisting and turning the waters under its hands, forcing the limited mass of water away
How much... more... can I write?
As I stare at my words, almost empty...
How much more...

I'd forgotten..
Forgotten everything...
And the pain of forgetting
Forgetting everything..
Was just too **** great
And as I sit trying to remember,
Trying to remember even just a bit
I'm surrounded by cries and shrieks of judgement
Slicing my heart
So that no more can I remember
And no more can I stop the pain and confusion
from seeping into my
mind, heart and soul.

My heart, even though already dust,
Somehow continues to break...
And it hurts!
It ****** **** as heck hurts...
And tears seem to be flowing from my dried eyes,
As if my eyes were not dry at all.
The millions of pieces of my heart scrape at my innards,
Almost forcing me to scream,
But I make sure barely a whisper moves out of my lips.
Not because I'm afraid to, but rather I prefer to keep it to myself.
Because no person's there for me anymore...

Can I tell you what it means?
To be failing at my dreams?
Can't you see that pains me as I fall,
Fall into a concentrated fog.

As my life takes a sudden turn again by the will of my Lord,
I'm forced on my knees begging for more,
For more of His aid as I am shaken to the core,
My heart cracking at
My mind's sudden clarity.

The winds have changed,
My life rearranged,
The sudden turn awakening,
Awakening my mind.

My mind attempts to gain control,
Losing balance in my unstable soul,
As over and through every space the wind does pass,
Forcing my mind to work fast.
My mind now trying harder at every new sound,
Trying to figure out what is profound,
Profoundly what is meant to be,
What is meant to be for me...

Can I tell you what it means,
What it means to be failing at my dreams?
Can't you see?
That it pains me as it all falls apart.
And slowly so too is my heart...

Can I tell you what it means?
As I train myself to smile,
Acting to those around me and beguile,
Beguile most who surround me to save myself from greater pain,
Protecting my heart from further strain.

As all this happens, as it all falls apart,
It separates the pieces of my heart
Falling apart...
Breaking my heart,
Ripping apart,
Turning to dust.

Things are not as they used to be...
I feel I've become something more
Something more than what I used to be
As if something's changed
Even though nothing seems to have?
The petals are slowly falling
Their fall almost contradicting
The cause of their fall...
And as I stare,
Not at the petals
But into the dark abyss that they are enveloped by,
I'm left wondering
What is left of me,
And what I've lost....

Tired...
That's all I can say...
As I stare at nothing in particular everyday,
I mean won't it just ever go away?
Won't it just leave?
Won't it realise it's destroyed me enough?
Won't it just allow me to relieve?
Relieve all the wounds
From the poison flowing out,
The poison only continuing to sprout,
Disallowing the gashes to seal up again,
Draining the blood out of me to gain,
A sense of wholeness once more,
But I feel that I know that I will forever lay sore...
forevermore.

My emotions, easily swayed...
My heart, easily frayed...
My mind, overpowering, confused,
Conflicting, raw, my soul... diffused...

I lay there, dazed, alone,
My eyes dart, tired, no moan
Escapes my lips, as the shadows encompass my soul,
I lay there, limp, thoughtless, imprisoned in the body of a doll.

I stand, eyes unfocused, the days flitting by,
My eyes are still, I cannot cry.
No tears are left, no tears reside,
In the empty body of the doll aside....

Dyed... tainted,
Blind.

My wrists are tied to individual ropes
The ropes are taut and hold up my body
My head lays limp...
My legs hang swaying...
And my eyes are beginning to lose sight.
The ropes keep getting reeled in
And my arms...
My arms are slowly losing sense
Slowly losing sense...
As they are
Slowly
Ripped
Off and out of my
Torso.


But I don't scream.
As my arms are stretched further away
Further away
From my heart and my brain
I don't scream.
As my heart becomes numb and my mind slowly loses its voice.
I don't scream.
As my ears become powerless.
I
Don't
Scream...
I
Don't....
Scream
But...
But I whisper...
And each word echoes off of the cool grey cobblestones that rise over me
No person hears my whispers...
Not anymore.
No person can see me..
Not anymore.
And slowly... slowly...
I am forgotten,
As my arms begin to lose their cohesion
And my joints begin to dislocate...
And my eyes become blind.
And my ears become deaf.
And my heart and mind stop.

My arms are final ripped off of my body.
My body falls
Through the air...
And remains,
In a state of falling...

I began to understand what it was to be a sand castle... sure it would have the sun shine upon it... but it's so weak and fragile, each small sand grain trying to hold each other together in one structure. Trying to hold together when gravity is bearing down, the wind is blowing hard and the tide is bearing in... And slowly slowly... every grain of sand begins to separate. Slowly slowly it begins to lose itself...
It was already hard facing so many difficulties but now it has to face a bigger difficulty, having to pull itself back together again. And it isn't hard to pull the pieces gravity separated back to the heart of the structure, no. It's hard to pull together pieces that were taken into the depths of the seas (and not the oceans) and the pieces that were blown to great lengths by the winds... and so when the sand castle finally did pull back together it found pieces of itself missing... not knowing that when it exposed itself whether willingly or unwillingly, knowingly or unknowingly, to such harsh situations... that it would be changed forever.

I try to see the light but the darkness pulls me deeper and deeper. I know there's an end but it isn't coming and I reach for the rope as it becomes more distant but I'm not strong enough. As I am pulled away the light begins to diminish and I can only lose hope.

I try and I try as if I vie but it's as if it's all a lie. And I cry as I die from the pain and disdain, caused by all of that which surrounds me, and the way in which I chose to see...
You see the pain never stops and it just keeps coming as I lie helpless as the bullets keep coming and numbing, numbing my body...
My body... I begin to question if I can really see the light as it all seems like a lie and life only wishes to see me lie, lie lifeless on a cold solid ground and cry, cry for my mind which is now dead... and all I can do is lie motionless as I am pulled deeper into the murky depths away from the light that I seem to see