What are the twists
And turns of a string?
How many threads are
Hidden within?
What parts do we see
And what parts do we not?
Is this string the same one
Or have we picked up
Another?

How can we depend on
Our eyes and mind that
Alter images to the very
Moment they are seen...

A person has only one soul in their lifetime.
The soul does not change;
It does not fade,
It does not shine.
However, its world does.

The environment the soul lives in
Is it's body's heart and mind.
Fed by the heart.
Tainted by the mind.
Surrounded by the mind's light.
Surrounded by the heart's warmth.
Naught else can it sense.

Without one, the others flail.
Without the heart, they wander tiredly.
Without the mind, they flutter aimlessly.
Without the soul, they cease to exist.
No base.
No character.

People don't change,
As their soul remains constant.

We are creatures
That live in this moment,
The clearest image,
Is in front of our eyes.
Not before
And surely not ahead of us
But now.

We are creatures
That live for this moment,
Our lives unliveable if
Our goal is out of hand,
Out of reach,
Out of our sight,
It's warmth, lost in the distance.

We are creatures
That live to this moment.
No life is in the future except now.
No life is in the past except now.
No life is in any point of the timescale,
Except now.

What we wish for,
What we reach for,
We should reach for in the moment
Now.

I'm afraid.
That the feelings I hold
Will fall from my grasp.
I'm afraid.
Of saying those words
That if spoken,
Would vanish into thin air,
I'm afraid...
That the feelings I express,
Are feelings based on lies
That have been painted by myself...

These fears I have
I know are wistful,
Desiring and yet
Holding feelings fickle,
Wanting truth... and yet,
Comforting myself with lies tristful.

There are feelings I am afraid to voice.
If voiced, just like before,
They would lose their meaning.
That if spoken, they would just become
The past.

These feelings that I hold,
Are they lies?
Or has everything become a regret?
That if spoken,
If fulfilled,
Parting with it comes with ease

I found a carving made of wood
A carving I made and
Never really understood
The shape was awfully made
And yet at the time
Emitted an aura that felt good
The raw quality,
The way light fell on it,
At the time I could only think
The carving was perfect,
The way that it stood.

I found a wood carving that I hid
Away from my mind
So that I could bid
Farewell to the misplaced notches and indents
That surfaced on the carving.
Why did I leave pieces here
And cut off parts there?
What experience did I have in carving
Such an obscene piece?
Of myself, the carving, I would rid
But if only I could
Forget what I did
What I carved
What I was amid
But I cannot

The reason I didn't understand
The decisions I made
Was because
I understood the decisions I made.

Land starts off muddy,
Full of nutrients.
There are no tufts of green.
Just the rich soil.

The soil is slowly infected,
Bright green grass spreads on its surface.
The soil loses part of its nutrients.

The grass loses its colour.
The soil begins to dry up.

The soil hardens, filled with cracks.

Determining one's self worth...
Is that really important?
Humans are seen as a pest to Nature
And as such pests to one another.
Is it really important?
To determine such a thing as one's usefulness
And one's importance?

Will it satiate the hunger of one's soul?
Or are you just desperately absorbing
Whatever threads that lay surrounding you?
Do you also know that these threads don't all pull you out?
That some of these threads are detached or will only pull you deeper?
You'll be asking why, but instead
Find yourself ****** into a vacuum
Suffocating soundlessly
Your screams vibrating against your skull
The very air no longer provided to you
On the brink of death
But... you cannot see a thing...

Open your eyes to the air you breathe,
Open your ears to the sounds we see,
Open your mind to the winds that cross the sky,
Reach out and feel the raw need to vie,
Not for money or for power,
Not for unrequited feelings,
Not for what will not return,
But for...

Suffocated.
The first.
Dry ice.
The second.
Drifting aimlessly.
The last.

These feelings inside me,
They numb me further.
Numb me into a permanent pain.
As I try to turn around
The last
I fall deeper into the numbness of emptiness.

What is truly satisfying?
What is satiable for one's soul?
Is there truly such a thing?
That can embrace one's soul and leave it asking for nothing more?

Is it because I'm too sensitive?
Or are my expectations too high?

Nod my head,
Pause.
Uncertain pout,
Pause.
Opens m-
Pause--
Pause
PAUSE.

...
Why?
Why am I doped by you?
Why?
I am certain I don't like you.
In fact I almost always hated you.
Why?
Your presence always had me on guard.
I had to smile around you.
And I slowly fell deeper into my sadness.

I couldn't take being surrounded by you.
I even attempted to part from you.
But you...
You stuck to me.
I don't want to blame you because I know you aren't fully to blame.
I let you continue.
I couldn't bring myself to tell you.
Not because I loved you,
But because the image I had of you was twisted.
I didn't know what part of you was true.
And I just felt so suffocated.
What did I want from you?
I didn't want anything.
I don't get it.

Your every movement bugged me.
Ticked me off.
At first I liked the way you understood things.
But I slowly realised that you were a person I could never come to like.
I tried, thinking, that everyone had their own perks.
I tried, thinking, that I should try to accept everyone.
But I couldn't.
It was too much for me.
And before I knew it,
Being around you depressed me.

I later found out that you said some untrue things behind my back.
Tainting the image of me in other people's hearts.
If people believed you then they aren't worth my time but I also don't want that to happen.
Apparently you cried.
I hurt you.
We hurt each other?
Or was it that you lied to yourself?
Or did I lie to myself?
Or did we lie to each other?
No.
We definitely lied to each other.
But why?
I couldn't stand you.
But was it the same for you?
The thought of you depresses me.

You... I don't even know what to think about you.
I don't want anyone to cry because of me.
But you... I don't get you.
Did you really cry because of me?
Or did you use me as a reason to cry?
I don't get you.

We're born mewling
Clawing
Finding
A world awaits us.

We finally stand
Bawling with a toy in hand
Striving for more people
Connected by a strand

We approach a land of darkness
Tearing because nobody understands
And yet silently screaming for a hand
Breaking strings and braiding bands

We stumble into the murky oceans
Crying little rivers to join one's surroundings
The ocean swallows our screams
And decides who sees our weakness

We are washed ashore and begin to dry up
The tears slowly evaporate out of oneself
Laying limp, hoping to be found
Struggling to stand up and find warmth

We find a path that leads to warmth
The tears guiding us along the way
We have seen the warmth that we yearn
And have chosen the what we breathe for

We shrink back away from the world
A wistful smile catching the rolling memories
And we stare out into the distance
Wishing for a world that awaits us.

In my sadness
I imagine wind brushing against my wings
My body weight shifting to my toes
My arms spread against the horizon
My torso leaning forward
My eyes distant

In my contentedness
My wings fade away
My body weight shifts backwards
My arms loosen
My torso relaxes
My eyes fall back to Earth

In my unease
I imagine a darkness
And in comfort
I see the darkness surrounded by light

Shadows are similar to light
Yet so different...

Empty space
Devoid of life
Bare no warmth
Provide no colour
Instead, a lack of visuality.

Shadows loom and recede.
Loom and recede.
Loom... and yet are motionless.

Shadows... they linger.
They leave marks.
Or rather,
They leave no visible marks.
They seep into our bodies
Being intemperate
They dissolve the warmth out of our bodies
Slowly slowly... so that it is almost ****** out.

Shadows...
What word best to describe it other than
Non-existent.

Naught escapes my fingers but dark, twisting lines.
Lines filled with emptiness.

Naught escapes my lips but intertwined with hints of a shadow.
Not invisible and yet, not noticeable.

Naught escapes my gaze without consideration of murkiness.
Wariness, a shield infused with thorns on its handle.

Naught escapes my mind and heart without entanglement.
Filtering and organising thoughts into a greater mess.

Naught escapes my soul but vacant sighs.
Moving forward whilst not fully comprehending why.

Rays of warmth stroke my heart
My eyes, glazed, deliquesce
Resolve calmly enters my mind
My soul forced to start again

A ray of light passes by,
Enters a diamond's murky lair,
Reflecting multitudinous times,
Parting with rays to spare
Its continuity

Rays are lost everywhere
Refracted, diffracted, gone
Unable to recombine again
Forming a radiating unit of one.
Not needing to recombine,
As they move to consign
Rejecting inability
And escaping black holes...

Twisting, seething...
Longing, wreathing...
Losses...

Shining, gleaming...
Welcoming, warming...
Moving forward...

Light and darkness.

A figure stands,
Only half to be seen,
Only half in the _
The half visible shrouded in light,
Beaming,
Holding on to outstretched hands
They pull
But the figure is stuck half in the _ ...
Stuck...

The figure walks on,
Disappearing momentarily,
Alone momentarily,
In warmth momentarily.

Each step the figure takes is steady,
Rolling soundlessly,
Echoing emptily.

Each blink swiping in synchrony,
Eyes dead set,
Pupils unfocused vacantly.

Body slouched,
Ears perked,
Brain speeding
Heart lurching
Body moving straightforward
Soul wandering

The synapses have been coagulating
Not stopping
Convoluting
Insanely stretching
Misconstruing

The neurons movements inhibiting
Receding
Freezing
Burning
Silently screaming
Not standing
But fleeing
Already caught
Pleading
To itself...

An intemperate sword strikes
Not once, nor twice
But strikes ever so endlessly
Not merely metal but freezing ice
Burning bright
Filled with conflicting atoms
Each atom appearing small and identical
And yet so volatile
Once the other is brought to the other's presence...

The heart sits in it's seat
At the centre
Watching and yet
Suffering the pain
Begging for balance
And yet
Also understanding each
Being struck repeatedly
Without a sound...

Two atoms meet.
Opposing each other,
They compete.
To occupy the space,
They must defeat,
In order to hold victory
And overlay deceit.
And in their wake
They left behind destruction.
Just as wars leave destruction,
So do conflicting perceptions...

One side hope
Another despair
One side purpose
Another empty air
How misleading perspective can be
Observing barriers high
Limited to what one can see,
Or rather... what one can believe.

To live a life only witnessing disrepair
Not looking to find a path fair
Leaves one to fall unaware
Into a hole deep full of sorrowful mare.

To live devoid of life
Rejecting happiness for lonely strife
Not seeking the warmth
Of the human hand
Unable to accept such unstable land.
Because...
One's capacity reached,
One's limits breached
Broken,
Bleeds,
Conflicted,
Pleads,
Alone,
Recedes...
In­to darkness.
Darkness is an abode...
Darkness,
No light to pull one's soul
Darkness,
Darkness is unknown
No need to release the burdens one holds
Darkness...
A place for those blind to light,
Unable to feel
The warmth of human beings.

Some live a life of hope,
Others of despair
Unable to see
The ability of repair
How misleading can one's eyes be,
As darkness envelopes one bare
Not showing you the true colours
That the darkness contains...

I hold love and yet
I repel love
I hold pain and yet
I am numb to pain
I can stand time
And yet...
I cannot seem to stand
Time...
Time is but a commodity
And yet I still feel at loss
Pushing forward against the axis of time
Pain equaling the progression of time
So that my pain never decreases and suffers
At a gradient of forced positivity
Or is it really forced?
To live in a state of both pain and positivity?
Is it really forced?
To fear death and yet also infinity
Is it really forced?
When you can see all that which surrounds you
As if blessings hide and yet are plain to sight

But to live through that all brings about confusion
You continue to move forward without falter and yet
You find yourself in seclusion
Not wanting to be found and yet
Seeking warmth til delusion
Finding comfort in the painful cold
And yet begging for the warmth of a human.

Time is but a commodity,
And yet man cannot compare,
They fall weak to its clutches,
And lose to despair.
Take a hint and do not try to live in seclusion
Because one can only take so much pain.

And because the pain wouldn't cease
And no words seemed to heal
I ceased to look for the ease
That, if found, would release me.

Because I was already blessed.
However I will still lock parts of me,
Away from the need to be confessed
Til the day I deem they are safe to be unlocked...

Will that day ever come?
...
Only time will tell.

To keep myself away from harm,
To protect myself from pain,
To push away confusion,
To keep myself sane,
I lie to myself,
Creating false hope.

I look into a mirage,
Not being able to cope
No it's okay, Don't Worry!
Attempting to take myself for a dope.

But it doesn't work,
I know myself too well,
I cover the glass of truth
Forcing myself into hell

But the light shines through the glass,
And penetrates the seal,
Removing the cover,
My body begins to reel.

Stop lying to yourself
Stop lying, please!
Don't hurt yourself anymore
Don't hurt yourself... just cease!
Or I won't be able to carry you anymore,
Carry the burden that you keep
Just uncover the glass,
And look into it deep...

These false hopes that I burden myself with,
They twist and they tease,
They play at possibilities,
Cause me to hope,
But when it does not come true
What shall I feel
Oh soul of mine...

And like a drop of blood...
sliding down your finger.
A pin ***** that formed
Red stains that linger,
Dangling,
Slowly gathering,
Growing bigger,

Dropping...

And like a drop of blood,
You formed a part of me.
And like a drop of blood
You swam in memory's sea.
You shook the waters and vibrated
The roots of my heart's aging tree.
As you coursed through my veins
Losing your voice as you whisper your dying plea...

And like a drop of blood
sliding down my finger...
I slowly forget what you meant to me.
And like a drop of blood,
sliding down my finger...
You cause my heart to thud,
As you longingly cling
Before you reach the tip.

A pin ***** that formed,
left one aching for less and more...
A pin ***** that formed
its pain slowly tinkers,
Disappearing as the pain is slowly covered.

Red stains that linger,
Slowly gathering,
Growing bigger,
Til all its remnants removed,

Meet...
Forgotten,
Dropping...
And fall as one together.

What am I really inside?
I claim to understand myself
To know why I cry
Why I laugh
Why I lie
And yet...
And yet
Something doesn't sit right with me
Inside...

Maybe I know myself
Maybe I do
And yet
And yet...
The conflict inside me tells me I'm wrong
That I only know my outside
Just like I know of the people around me.

What do I want?
What do I need?

What do I want...
I cannot read deep into myself
What do I need...
I cannot see what twirls in my inner depths
Why can't I...?
Was I ever really meant to be able to read into my dark and lonely depths?
With a character like mine who wishes to live in the light
Can I really see into my darkness?

Pain
A shackle of inhibition
Thorns of indecision
The indecision of the conflict in one's mind.

Pain
A sword of intemperate ice
Slicing left and right
Asking for naught yet aiming
To be a solace after 101 strokes

Pain
A mere matter of perspective
A sheer term of conditions
A tear to join a million
A comfort or a torture?

When you entrust someone with something,
anything,
personal...
What hurts most is
When they use that part of you to strike you,
As if it hadn't hurt you enough already.

When you tell a person something,
anything,
personal...
Expecting them to understand and
Help you
What hurts most is
When they hear it all and don't understand

When you are confused about something,
anything
personal...
Confused so much that it hurts,
And you feel like you need to tell someone,
What hurts most is
Holding it in

What has the potential to hurt most is what you decide for yourself.

Basically, that's what I've become,
Numb
Emotionally numb,
Making it harder for me to succumb,
To feelings that plagued me in the past.

Yet when I say numb,
I mean sedation through pain
Confusing?
Not at all...
Especially not confusing for the numb

I spread my wings to fly,
Singing to fly,
Wishing to fly,
To be free of imprisonment,
Free of this environment.

I spread my wings to fly,
Beginning to fly,
Grinning to fly,
Hoping for a new world,
A new world of hope.

I spread my wings to fly,
To fly up and high,
Not feeling a sigh,
Escaping my lips.
Not thinking this was another painted fib.

I spread my wings to fly,
Now realising the true colours of the sky,
A beautiful elegant blue,
Not just full of life,
But full of stinging frosts and shrieking swords...

I spread my wings to fly,
But am I really flying?
Am I really flying if I am as I was before?
I spread my wings to fly,
But in reality... I never even left the earth.

The roots of trust are entwined in a soil of dependence.
The roots depend on the strength and warmth of the soil to provide nourishment.
Without dependence, trust begins to shrivel and fade,
it's roots slipping out of the loosened hold of the soil,
The plant falling,
lying alone in the cold shadows of the sun's rays.

To try to place it's roots back into soil can decay the plant further,
To try to hold up the plant without soil whilst being surrounded by nourished plants is even greater torture.
Almost any attempt is proven futile.

The only attempt one may make to have the plant to stand again is to find a very special soil.
One that meets the needs of the plants.
Soil that is willing to attend to the plant whenever the plant requires it,
to make sure trust doesn't wither in confusion,
to make sure that trust...
that trust doesn't suffer one time more.

It's painful,
Lying in the cold shadows,
Comforting your own sorrows.

It's torment,
To look for hope,
Only to find it taken by someone else.

It's agonizing,
To understand all those who surround you,
Yet not be understood by any of them.

It's torturous
To be let down so many times...
And yet still hope for comfort.

It's tortuous...
And you just seem to keep bleeding,
You just seem to keep bleeding as you move forward.

It's almost painfully painless,
Because the pain keeps coming,
Only to be numbing the scars of the past.

And it hurts,
To watch all the people around you,
Yet to feel all alone in such a small world.

You know, when you witness a car crash in full motion,
It's abruptness shakes you out of your core,
Because when cars crash on the news you only see the commotion,
Not the fragility of the moving bodies which you would never have accounted for.

You witness the horrible instantaneous compression of the car's crumple zone,
Not shown in the news reports which you usually seem to know.

You hear a sudden shriek that cries for your attention,
Not heard of in the news reports which don't describe the dreadful throe.

You feel a sudden atmosphere of sharp confusion,
Conflicting with any atmosphere you previously used to know.

The disparity of these situations is quite familiar, you know,
Something not unheard of, as many of us know,
Like the sudden moments we're frozen in time trying to start forward again,
After colliding, breaking our hopes and dreams, confused as to how to move forward again.

Day passes on to night,
Night passes on to day,
Every second that passes
Witnesses my heart's decay.

My heart lost in its previous agony
Sheds tears of sedation,
Numbing its own passions,
To forget its almost amputation.

My heart has suffered many losses,
So my brain continually consoles it,
My soul now conflicted,
As to how they should together truly fit.

My heart and mind have lost their balance,
Lost their ability to function and thrive,
Together as a partnership,
Under the observance of my soul's derive.

How much more can I write?
As parts of me continue to dwindle
How much more can I write?
If the English language is limited and pain is only so large
How much more can I write?...
As the winds blow violently, twisting and turning the waters under its hands, forcing the limited mass of water away
How much... more... can I write?
As I stare at my words, almost empty...
How much more...

I'd forgotten..
Forgotten everything...
And the pain of forgetting
Forgetting everything..
Was just too **** great
And as I sit trying to remember,
Trying to remember even just a bit
I'm surrounded by cries and shrieks of judgement
Slicing my heart
So that no more can I remember
And no more can I stop the pain and confusion
from seeping into my
mind, heart and soul.

My heart, even though already dust,
Somehow continues to break...
And it hurts!
It ****** **** as heck hurts...
And tears seem to be flowing from my dried eyes,
As if my eyes were not dry at all.
The millions of pieces of my heart scrape at my innards,
Almost forcing me to scream,
But I make sure barely a whisper moves out of my lips.
Not because I'm afraid to, but rather I prefer to keep it to myself.
Because no person's there for me anymore...

Can I tell you what it means?
To be failing at my dreams?
Can't you see that pains me as I fall,
Fall into a concentrated fog.

As my life takes a sudden turn again by the will of my Lord,
I'm forced on my knees begging for more,
For more of His aid as I am shaken to the core,
My heart cracking at
My mind's sudden clarity.

The winds have changed,
My life rearranged,
The sudden turn awakening,
Awakening my mind.

My mind attempts to gain control,
Losing balance in my unstable soul,
As over and through every space the wind does pass,
Forcing my mind to work fast.
My mind now trying harder at every new sound,
Trying to figure out what is profound,
Profoundly what is meant to be,
What is meant to be for me...

Can I tell you what it means,
What it means to be failing at my dreams?
Can't you see?
That it pains me as it all falls apart.
And slowly so too is my heart...

Can I tell you what it means?
As I train myself to smile,
Acting to those around me and beguile,
Beguile most who surround me to save myself from greater pain,
Protecting my heart from further strain.

As all this happens, as it all falls apart,
It separates the pieces of my heart
Falling apart...
Breaking my heart,
Ripping apart,
Turning to dust.

Things are not as they used to be...
I feel I've become something more
Something more than what I used to be
As if something's changed
Even though nothing seems to have?
The petals are slowly falling
Their fall almost contradicting
The cause of their fall...
And as I stare,
Not at the petals
But into the dark abyss that they are enveloped by,
I'm left wondering
What is left of me,
And what I've lost....

Tired...
That's all I can say...
As I stare at nothing in particular everyday,
I mean won't it just ever go away?
Won't it just leave?
Won't it realise it's destroyed me enough?
Won't it just allow me to relieve?
Relieve all the wounds
From the poison flowing out,
The poison only continuing to sprout,
Disallowing the gashes to seal up again,
Draining the blood out of me to gain,
A sense of wholeness once more,
But I feel that I know that I will forever lay sore...
forevermore.

My emotions, easily swayed...
My heart, easily frayed...
My mind, overpowering, confused,
Conflicting, raw, my soul... diffused...

I lay there, dazed, alone,
My eyes dart, tired, no moan
Escapes my lips, as the shadows encompass my soul,
I lay there, limp, thoughtless, imprisoned in the body of a doll.

I stand, eyes unfocused, the days flitting by,
My eyes are still, I cannot cry.
No tears are left, no tears reside,
In the empty body of the doll aside....

Dyed... tainted,
Blind.

My wrists are tied to individual ropes
The ropes are taut and hold up my body
My head lays limp...
My legs hang swaying...
And my eyes are beginning to lose sight.
The ropes keep getting reeled in
And my arms...
My arms are slowly losing sense
Slowly losing sense...
As they are
Slowly
Ripped
Off and out of my
Torso.


But I don't scream.
As my arms are stretched further away
Further away
From my heart and my brain
I don't scream.
As my heart becomes numb and my mind slowly loses its voice.
I don't scream.
As my ears become powerless.
I
Don't
Scream...
I
Don't....
Scream
But...
But I whisper...
And each word echoes off of the cool grey cobblestones that rise over me
No person hears my whispers...
Not anymore.
No person can see me..
Not anymore.
And slowly... slowly...
I am forgotten,
As my arms begin to lose their cohesion
And my joints begin to dislocate...
And my eyes become blind.
And my ears become deaf.
And my heart and mind stop.

My arms are final ripped off of my body.
My body falls
Through the air...
And remains,
In a state of falling...

I began to understand what it was to be a sand castle... sure it would have the sun shine upon it... but it's so weak and fragile, each small sand grain trying to hold each other together in one structure. Trying to hold together when gravity is bearing down, the wind is blowing hard and the tide is bearing in... And slowly slowly... every grain of sand begins to separate. Slowly slowly it begins to lose itself...
It was already hard facing so many difficulties but now it has to face a bigger difficulty, having to pull itself back together again. And it isn't hard to pull the pieces gravity separated back to the heart of the structure, no. It's hard to pull together pieces that were taken into the depths of the seas (and not the oceans) and the pieces that were blown to great lengths by the winds... and so when the sand castle finally did pull back together it found pieces of itself missing... not knowing that when it exposed itself whether willingly or unwillingly, knowingly or unknowingly, to such harsh situations... that it would be changed forever.

I try to see the light but the darkness pulls me deeper and deeper. I know there's an end but it isn't coming and I reach for the rope as it becomes more distant but I'm not strong enough. As I am pulled away the light begins to diminish and I can only lose hope.

I try and I try as if I vie but it's as if it's all a lie. And I cry as I die from the pain and disdain, caused by all of that which surrounds me, and the way in which I chose to see...
You see the pain never stops and it just keeps coming as I lie helpless as the bullets keep coming and numbing, numbing my body...
My body... I begin to question if I can really see the light as it all seems like a lie and life only wishes to see me lie, lie lifeless on a cold solid ground and cry, cry for my mind which is now dead... and all I can do is lie motionless as I am pulled deeper into the murky depths away from the light that I seem to see