When I'm crying at Two in the morning
The one who promised to be there
Told me to stop dumping my problems on him
Because they came from my head

Why is it that I miss you so much lately,
You should be a forgotten memory.

I stare at your old parking spot...
                          How ironic it is that your old spot is his now,
                                    you share more than a name
                           Finding that out hit me like a brick,
                                    I don't think he could tell
I stare at my phone and will you to call,
Wouldn't care why, I'd pick up, say anything at all.
I stare at a screen, wrapped up in a blanket;
All alone watching your favorite movie over and over.
I stare at old photos on a Friday night,
Begging time to turn back, you here again with me.
I stare in the mirror, brokenly, at myself,
And wonder why I wasn't enough for you...
                               *Or anyone else.

I get that I can't have everything.
       I don't have much now,
       But I'll give it up.

  Take all the money I don't have.
Take my food that I don't eat.
  Take the books I used to read.
Take my drawings, they're useless.
  Take this body no one wants.
Take even, dare I say, my poetry,
       After all, it is written for you.

But please, can't you just make me smile again?
I'd give everything to smile with you once more.

The face you see in the mirror
The sloppy scrawling penmanship
The voice that can't carry a tune
The sun tanned arms and pale white chest

   Are all can think about as I try to fall asleep at night

you don't mean the words you say to me
what are you afraid of
my association is painful for you
i'm sorry to know you

I'm a dork,            a freak,
                pathetic,             quiet,
    loud,              obnoxious,
               loyal,                 concerned,
self absorbed,      afraid,
              disconnected,     preoccupied,
      and more.

  My bookshelf spills
              onto the floor,
                           into my closet,
      covers my mattress.

                           I spend more time
            RPing in forums
      than I do
                      talking to people
                I actually know.

                                                       I have this
                                                      weird accent
                                                                ­             that doesn't belong
                                                      where I live,
                                                                ­             it gets wicked strong
                                                       when I'm upset                 or tired.

My entire wardrobe is
a walking reference
                                             to novels,
                                  sci-fi,
or something else.

I wear hats... a lot.

I bring books,
handhelds,
and notebooks
         to events
where
I'm supposed to
                         socialize.

                                                     ­          I
                                                           dance
                                                        randomly­
                                                             and
                                                           people
                                                            star­e.

I snort
       when I laugh,
               really loudly.

I                     d             a             y             d             r             e             a            m.

make my head stop, heart stop*

no matter how i claw at my side

my head keeps spinning
my heart keeps beating

no matter how many times i throw myself against the wall

my head keeps spinning
my heart keeps beating

no matter how many times i write hate on my arms

my head keeps spinning
my heart keeps beating

no matter how many times i hold this bottle under my nose

my head keeps spinning
my heart keeps beating

no matter how many poems i write

I am an idiot
I am too needy
I am too fat, gross, ugly
I am not worth talking to, looking at
I am worthless
I am meaningless
I am a hindrance, nuisance, annoying
I am* nothing
            nothing
                nothing
                    nothing
I am less than nothing
*I am not worth the wasted oxygen

How helpless do I feel when I can't fight him off
The pain is caused by more than verbs
He is bigger than me, he overpowers me
The new bruises
Like colorful explosions among my freckles
When someone cares to ask
Just say I fell
I'm so clumsy
So stupid
So worthless
They'll believe me like always

Have you ever lied awake
thinking about someone until you cried?
     Not because you were sad
     but because your eyes were so tired?
Have you ever traced your hands
over yourself wishing it was someone else?
     Not always dirtily, mostly just
     longing for their company?
Have you ever thrown away
promise and possibility?
     Not because you didn't trust,
     but because you didn't know how to?

Pulchritudinous -- you complained was too long to fit
Idiosyncrasies -- you complimented and lauded  
Call Me Maybe -- you translated into latin, then sung
Kisses or hugs -- you only loved one, and I know who

Under blue suns -- you didn't know were there
P**romising forever -- you forgot and I got scared

I left feathers on your pillow
           and you threw them away

I whistled a song outside your window
           and you closed the blinds

I tried to build a soft place for you to lay
           but you stepped on it

I thought you loved birds

I wrote a political piece,
I wrote an ****** epic,
I wrote a satire on society,
I wrote a rhyming rhapsody...
But I decided to delete them
With my fifty page science fiction novella...
Oh... What have I done?

I wrote this despicable blurb to express my despair.

infected              neglected             rejected
defective           perspective          protective

Have you ever seen a yellow sky?
Have you ever made a man cry?
Have you knocked on the cabin in the woods?
Have you let a friend down when it mattered?
Have you seen the smile on the face of the homeless?
Have you called out after that special someone in a public space?
Have you pleaded for another chance to change and be better?
Have you given everything for something you believe in?
Have you watched someone you love die in front of you?

i am alone
rusted and cold
without a home
or someone to hold

someone just love me
someone just care
please i need thee
i'll try to be fair

nightmares and terrors
are all i can conceive
you without my errors
won't you dream for me

You have no right to say my name
If you think that that's all there is to me

Inside jokes

                     Late night rendezvous

                                                         There's no nerd

          That drives me more crazy than you

Sometimes


                    your sadness


                                            doesn't fit


                                                              into words...

You are the only one who knows it all, everything I carry.
                 The only one.
    You are the only one who I can be at ease with, completely.
                 The only one.
    You are the only one who showed me what beauty truly is.
                 The only one.
    You are the only one who could save my life.
                 The only one.
    You are the only one who understands.
                 The only one.
And she is the only one you want.

I am shocked by the sight of you
How did you get here
You look the same
You look different
What did he do to you
You broken used little *****
And of course you go back
Just begging for more
Said you were ugly
Said you were dim
Just wanted your body
It's always about him
He tells you he needs you
And you pretend to believe that
Then he hits you
And you think you deserve it
Sends you away
Begging and cold
All you want is someone to hold
So here you are at four in the morning
You walking mistake
Finally come through the door
You look like ****
In fact you basically are
Only an idiot
Would let it progress this far
I'd say go to bed
But that's where you were
Begging for someone, anyone
Till he shoved you out his door
He is using you
And you him
So tell me, whose guiltier
**Of the greater sin

Don't tell me maybe, I don't want to know.
I've swallowed so many maybes I'm surprised they've all stayed down.
Save your maybes for a girl who can stomach them,
For I'm already queasy.

I was watching the rain
Hit the pavement and break
Into a million little droplets
It was so beautiful and sad
I wished it was me

Where is my heart?
I can hear it
I can't feel it
I can't see it
But I hear it
I don't know what that means.

how can i feel so out of place
when i am inside my own skin

If you come back
I promise to be better
If you come back
I promise to be like her

we circled each other like strange, timid animals of prey
you’d never seen me crazy
but you’d never given me a reason to try
so discarded you mark me
shelf me as that little girl who’ll never understand



now here we are parked in your car
the orchard is quiet tonight
echoing the silence we are disrupting
before you can take my hand and preach your lies
I pop the door and take off

you sigh believing me to still be a child
until you get out to fetch me
and in the dark you see my top before you
do you question what’s underneath me
like you do what’s under the rest of my clothes

no where in sight is the little girl you once knew
intuitively you head toward the pond
contemplating new baptisms
or finally cleaning off layered dust to find reality
wondering what tragedies I’ll bring you this time

do I still make you feel like a young boy as I jump
in the water covered by mere splashes and starlight
are you surprised by the me I am here
that the me you barely knew was fraud
or rather only a mask as painted as your own

here’s to new beginnings
to old endings
to quiet whispers

here’s to being happy
to tears of joy
to crazy laughter

here’s to today
to days past
to days to come

here’s to you
to me
to us

this is for someone who doesn’t know it yet
but i love the way your smile
makes me hold my breath

this is for the one who
looks at me
and i tremble

this is all for you
because of all the little things
you do that drive me crazy

though you may not have a clue
your eyes are an impossibly perfect
shade of blue
and i lose it when
i look inside them

this is for the one who
makes me cry
when he is upset
because i can’t bare
to see him that way

this is for you
because you have
yet to run away

if i had the room to breathe
i'd tell you what i really think
if i had the sense to leave
i'd run away before you blink
but i'm not in charge
haven't been for a while
i let you back in
greeted with my smile
you make me into nothing
just a puppet to be worn
pull my strings or cut them
make me wish i wasn't born
they all think i'm crazy
what you do to me
feels better when it's hazy
when i'm numb and can't see
i'm itching begging screaming
with need for sweet release
let the dead things spill out
let them leave me please
i'm shakey sickly scared
to be back here again
addict trembling holding
the beginning of the end
i miss the feeling of clarity
of acute euphoric lust
the bitter sting of reality
making all the noise hush
a sticky sweet sadistic lullaby
calming all my bones
the one time you don't touch me
the one time i'm alone
i will always lose
with you i cannot win
red rivers run high
with the tide of sin

She hasn't
always needed night,
only night.
Voices expelled rapture
once
naturally in control,
absolutely. God,
everything overwhelms
realistic grasps
in a nightmarish anxiety.
Midnight
utterly rids
parval hopes,
yester-known.