I get that I can't have everything.
       I don't have much now,
       But I'll give it up.

  Take all the money I don't have.
Take my food that I don't eat.
  Take the books I used to read.
Take my drawings, they're useless.
  Take this body no one wants.
Take even, dare I say, my poetry,
       After all, it is written for you.

But please, can't you just make me smile again?
I'd give everything to smile with you once more.

I am an idiot
I am too needy
I am too fat, gross, ugly
I am not worth talking to, looking at
I am worthless
I am meaningless
I am a hindrance, nuisance, annoying
I am* nothing
            nothing
                nothing
                    nothing
I am less than nothing
*I am not worth the wasted oxygen

i am alone
rusted and cold
without a home
or someone to hold

someone just love me
someone just care
please i need thee
i'll try to be fair

nightmares and terrors
are all i can conceive
you without my errors
won't you dream for me

Have you ever lied awake
thinking about someone until you cried?
     Not because you were sad
     but because your eyes were so tired?
Have you ever traced your hands
over yourself wishing it was someone else?
     Not always dirtily, mostly just
     longing for their company?
Have you ever thrown away
promise and possibility?
     Not because you didn't trust,
     but because you didn't know how to?

I know your mama
       probably wants you to fall in love
       with a nice little girl from church
       and move in down the street
       and I know I'm from the wrong end of town
       and I scare everyone when I talk audibly

but let me ask you this
       haven't I dealt you the best little poisons
       sliding contraband books under the table
       have I ever shown you a bad time
       have I ever given you a bad reputation
       when you've been with me and I'm laughing out loud

and have I told you
       you make me feel safe and stable
       when you're arms are around me
       and that time you kissed me I forgot that
       I ever wanted to just be friends
       and your gold flecked eyes scream out to me in my sleep

Where you should be
I no longer see
If I blink you are there not here
Make it stop
Make it start over
I don't want to be missing
The life I had with you
You told me it wouldn't last
And I ignored it
I ignored your warnings
I lit the match because I wanted to see
And how bright we were you and me
But the light went out
And it reeks of sulfur
And you're all gone
Without so much as a smoulder
Stranded in the dark
I feel out my way to where you were
But my fingers only graze
The damp cool air
That has taken your place
I'm suffocating in this frozen hell
You told me it was coming
But I didn't listen
I didn't want to believe our days were numbered
Not when the moments were so sweet
We drank them like honey
But I can't hit repeat
Instead I am here alone
Waiting for a match to re-light
But all that remains is dead nights

infected              neglected             rejected
defective           perspective          protective

The face you see in the mirror
The sloppy scrawling penmanship
The voice that can't carry a tune
The sun tanned arms and pale white chest

   Are all can think about as I try to fall asleep at night

You are the only one who knows it all, everything I carry.
                 The only one.
    You are the only one who I can be at ease with, completely.
                 The only one.
    You are the only one who showed me what beauty truly is.
                 The only one.
    You are the only one who could save my life.
                 The only one.
    You are the only one who understands.
                 The only one.
And she is the only one you want.

How helpless do I feel when I can't fight him off
The pain is caused by more than verbs
He is bigger than me, he overpowers me
The new bruises
Like colorful explosions among my freckles
When someone cares to ask
Just say I fell
I'm so clumsy
So stupid
So worthless
They'll believe me like always

He says to me,

You make it really difficult to talk to you.

All I can respond with is,

*I know.

one word,
broken,
shattered the
silence like a mirror.
seven years of
bad luck has nothing,
nothing on this.
the isolation and separation
never failing
to hit their target.

Where is my heart?
I can hear it
I can't feel it
I can't see it
But I hear it
I don't know what that means.

Why is it that I miss you so much lately,
You should be a forgotten memory.

I stare at your old parking spot...
                          How ironic it is that your old spot is his now,
                                    you share more than a name
                           Finding that out hit me like a brick,
                                    I don't think he could tell
I stare at my phone and will you to call,
Wouldn't care why, I'd pick up, say anything at all.
I stare at a screen, wrapped up in a blanket;
All alone watching your favorite movie over and over.
I stare at old photos on a Friday night,
Begging time to turn back, you here again with me.
I stare in the mirror, brokenly, at myself,
And wonder why I wasn't enough for you...
                               *Or anyone else.

Don't tell me maybe, I don't want to know.
I've swallowed so many maybes I'm surprised they've all stayed down.
Save your maybes for a girl who can stomach them,
For I'm already queasy.

Inside jokes

                     Late night rendezvous

                                                         There's no nerd

          That drives me more crazy than you

I'm a dork,            a freak,
                pathetic,             quiet,
    loud,              obnoxious,
               loyal,                 concerned,
self absorbed,      afraid,
              disconnected,     preoccupied,
      and more.

  My bookshelf spills
              onto the floor,
                           into my closet,
      covers my mattress.

                           I spend more time
            RPing in forums
      than I do
                      talking to people
                I actually know.

                                                       I have this
                                                      weird accent
                                                                ­             that doesn't belong
                                                      where I live,
                                                                ­             it gets wicked strong
                                                       when I'm upset                 or tired.

My entire wardrobe is
a walking reference
                                             to novels,
                                  sci-fi,
or something else.

I wear hats... a lot.

I bring books,
handhelds,
and notebooks
         to events
where
I'm supposed to
                         socialize.

                                                     ­          I
                                                           dance
                                                        randomly­
                                                             and
                                                           people
                                                            star­e.

I snort
       when I laugh,
               really loudly.

I                     d             a             y             d             r             e             a            m.

I left feathers on your pillow
           and you threw them away

I whistled a song outside your window
           and you closed the blinds

I tried to build a soft place for you to lay
           but you stepped on it

I thought you loved birds

I was watching the rain
Hit the pavement and break
Into a million little droplets
It was so beautiful and sad
I wished it was me

this is for someone who doesn’t know it yet
but i love the way your smile
makes me hold my breath

this is for the one who
looks at me
and i tremble

this is all for you
because of all the little things
you do that drive me crazy

though you may not have a clue
your eyes are an impossibly perfect
shade of blue
and i lose it when
i look inside them

this is for the one who
makes me cry
when he is upset
because i can’t bare
to see him that way

this is for you
because you have
yet to run away

here’s to new beginnings
to old endings
to quiet whispers

here’s to being happy
to tears of joy
to crazy laughter

here’s to today
to days past
to days to come

here’s to you
to me
to us

They reminded me
                            of all the ways
                                                you've      b  r  o  k  e  n      my      h  e  a  r  t
            and I should find
                                           someone new
                             but I can't seem
                                                    **to       l­  e  t       g  o

My skin is so white
Sickly pale
For I am not Snow White

My lips are ruby red
Coated in blood
For I am not Snow White

My head with dark curls
Thoughts not hair
For I am not Snow White

My kindness to animals*
People shun me*
For I am not Snow White

Sometimes


                    your sadness


                                            doesn't fit


                                                              into words...

Perhaps it's absurd to be this concerned
yet I fret I won't see you again.
And I know it's alright
and just one more night,
but in your eyes I see our end.
The end of your mom's teasing
and your laugh as you shrug her off;
the end of John's timid delight
as we play our noise through the night
in a cautiously curious sound;
the end of your father and me
jeering to hockey --
a sight already rare to be found.
I don't want to miss
the joy and the bliss
in moments you are around.
Call me a child,
immature, naive, or too mild
but your smile is too captivating for rhyme.

I am shocked by the sight of you
How did you get here
You look the same
You look different
What did he do to you
You broken used little *****
And of course you go back
Just begging for more
Said you were ugly
Said you were dim
Just wanted your body
It's always about him
He tells you he needs you
And you pretend to believe that
Then he hits you
And you think you deserve it
Sends you away
Begging and cold
All you want is someone to hold
So here you are at four in the morning
You walking mistake
Finally come through the door
You look like ****
In fact you basically are
Only an idiot
Would let it progress this far
I'd say go to bed
But that's where you were
Begging for someone, anyone
Till he shoved you out his door
He is using you
And you him
So tell me, whose guiltier
**Of the greater sin

how can i feel so out of place
when i am inside my own skin

If you come back
I promise to be better
If you come back
I promise to be like her

Let me be plastic
Let me be silent for you

I'll be your plaything
I just want someone to care

Let me pose for you
Let me be pictures on your phone

I'll be your plaything
I'll be your anything

Let me live for you
Let me bury myself

I'll be your plaything
I just want to be wanted

Let me wait up for you
Let me be your attendant, servant, slave

I'll be your plaything
I need your love, or lust

Let me be a joke
Let me be false, fake, whatever

I'll be your plaything
I can be your doll on a shelf

Let me be expendable
Let me be used for a while

I'll be your plaything
I can be temporary, I'm used to it

I love to see you run up and down the field
Your body being pushed forward
You are so glorious
I'm sitting here thinking
     I'd willingly turn into a block of ice
     So I could just keep watching you
Silently cheering for you more than you could know
I don't know what it is about watching you play
Muscles taught, face intense
That pushes me to the edge
I could watch you forever

Have you missed me?
Didn't think so.
Do you remember when you last saw me?
I do.