I t h i n k a b o u t y o u
m o r e t h a n m y t h e r a p i s t s a i d I s h o u l d .

11 months
that's all I could do
I tried for so long
I tried just for you

11 months clean
but today we start over
tomorrow is day one
I'm just growing older

11 months
but tonight my thighs sting
I took to them with a blade
as sharp as my ring

11 months
I kept searching for a reason not to
tonight I fought hard
but my blood was long overdue

Mirror cloaked in tears
I scream at my own reflection
Why couldn't you have just killed yourself at 13,
Like you always said you would?
You didn't know rejection.
Eyes glazed over, helpless red
Why did you have to stay on and be strong?
You could have found out if heaven were real
Or maybe you would just be nowhere instead
There, there little broke girl
I know you want to die
If I would have just killed myself at 13 (Like I always said I would)
I wouldn't need to be alive

I've been up since 5:15
I met you at 6 AM
We took the car out in the dark
Just you and me and bleeding hearts

I've been crying since 7:15
We knew it'd come, but we could dream
I watched you walk away from me
And there was nothing we could do

But since 7:15
I've watched you walk away
All over again on replay

He carries his earnings
Slung over his shoulder
In a bag of blackened coal

At night if you listen
He quite often talks
To a woman he used to know

"Kapi Kapi
Come back to me
Kapi Kapi
Come take me home
Kapi Kapi
Don't you neglect
To bury me in a bag
Of blackened coal"

Once on a bed of black and gold
A small girl lay
As her father spoke of all the things she'd do someday
Her father hugged her
And she began to cry
She feared her future
She feared her life
Her father loved her
Even with tears in her eyes
And she never asked why
Because she was afraid of what the answer might be

Once on a bed of black and gold
The little girl sat in the middle of the night
Her lips trembled as her father spoke
And she could hear her mother yelling back
And she could not tell if she was more angry
Or more sad
When she awoke in the morning her father was gone
And she did not ask why
Because she was afraid of what the answer might be

Once on a bed of black and gold
The girl was touched against her will
She couldn't scream, she barely said no
But her actions showed she was struggling to get free
He stole her first kiss
But she did not cry
She was too frightened to even try
The bed became a silky red
As the evil man made her bleed
But she kind of liked the blood
So when she reached home, she made herself bleed again
But this time with a razor sharp pen
And it got to be a habit
But she never asked herself why
Because she was afraid of what the answer might be

Once on a bed of black and gold
She lay across his chest and they
Watched a scary movie
The boy got scared and he pulled her close
But the girl did not
Because she had already seen
The scariest of things
And when he broke her heart she did not ask him why
Because she knew what the answer would be

Once on a bed of black and gold
She lay in the night, wide awake
Rumors had spread, and the whole school
Made fun of her
And she cried at night
And she made herself bleed
And she remembered all the things they had said
And she finally decided to fit in with the crowd
And hate herself, too
And she never asked why they did
Because she did not want to know what the answer might be

Once on a bed of black and gold
The girl held a gun to her forehead
And mascara ran down her cheeks
And the boy that deceived her blew up her phone
And the last message he sent went a little like this,

"You need to know that you're beautiful
Its not time to go home
Please stay alive
Don't you want to know what your future holds?"

But the girl pulled the trigger anyways
And her bed turned a blood red
And she did not stay alive
Because she was frightened of what her future might be

Now tell me if I did anything
Now tell me, didn't I do everything?
And tell me when I started turning blue instead of red
What's with my heart and soul and mind
They're all acting dead

Here's a letter for you
That I wrote at six years old
I drew a pink heart and a blue ice cream cone
It read, "Daddy I love you, no matter how old."

I never gave it to you
Cause you were always on the road

Here's a letter for you
That I wrote in 5th grade
Written on a napkin with a blade
Daddy, I thought you were making progress

I never sent it to you
Cause I never knew your address

Here's a letter for you
That I wrote at 13
Scribbled on a picture frame
Holding you and me
Daddy, what's this torturous wave?

I never left it for you
Cause I never found your grave

Here's a letter for you
That I wrote at 18
Written on a dollar bill
I earned this evening
"Daddy, I'm doing it
I'm graduating"

I never kept it
I was crying before I could accept it

Here's a letter for you
That I'll write when the time comes
I'll stick it in between the bouquet
And let my makeup run
"Daddy, I wish you could walk with me
I think my nerves would ease"

But it'll never reach you
Unless God's feeling pleased

There is no monster under my bed
There is no monster in my head
The only monster that I know
Is the one that, in me, found its home

I would open my mouth to the stars
And ask them if they could take me away,
Whisk me up in their glowing arms
And fly high and far
And never stop.
They said okay,
So I closed my eyes
And I imagined just that
And everything was alright
And everything was okay.

I suppose you
are much like a staple gun;
for you can
hold me together

and yet I
could be compared to a
pair of rusty scissors;
destined to tear thee apart

Does a meaningless ******* on drunken tongues
Really fill the void between your heart and your lungs?
Would a few airy kisses and touches
And sloppy positions
Ever satisfy for more than a little while?
Do you ever get sick, being with so many men
That your throat collects bile?
You go out everytime with adventure seeping through your eyes
And always return with bruised hips
And "I had fun" lies.
Does it honestly help to strip away clothes
Just so the guys loath
And your feelings don't impose?
Stop with the disrespect of your own self
You don't want to end up in your own **** jail cell.
Don't you know there's a difference
Between love and *** ?
One or the other can't always lead to bliss
If you keep it going, you could be next.

"Rip it off like a bandaid"
It will sting less,
only for the first second or so.

Too bad I liked to take my time
while pealing the sticky material away -
prolonged pain

Would you still say it
if I were standing before you,
fresh mascara staining your favorite sweater
and scars to show for a cause unknown ?

My friends
they always told me
"You are fit to be a queen"
They say that I
have perfect curves
and live my life in dreams

I took their words
and ran with them
miles, so it seemed
but really it was only 'til
the dark began to beam

Bowing down
to recieve my crown
But find me on my knees
Giving head
to the man I just met
and doing what he please

My perfect curves
fit perfectly
between the sheets and
men that be
look over there
what's that I see?
oh just another job for me (or should I say for he)

but finally
the dream I live
I no longer live with glee
the dream I live
consists of who
and what he wants from me

maybe they
should have told their friend
she would live a life that's worse
'cause seems as if it all depends
on bending backwards *(back words)

This is for the young girl or boy
That treats that blade like a toy

Please don't touch me, sir
I know you mean no harm
No, you cant hold my hand
Or stop this car
Please don't love me, sir
I know it doesn't look hard
But when you take away my clothes
You'll see the scars

You took the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And you turned them into a damaged city
You tore away my flesh piece by piece
And I walked home alone
In a damaged city

It makes me feel stupid. I feel wasted and tricked. I haven't been able to acknowledge the reality of this situation... It's sick and it's twisted, this truth I have kept inside. "Do you miss your dad?" He asks. "I don't know." but he takes it as a yes, and I don't know how to explain... That I wasted all my years, my time, my tears, on this... This father. If you had seen my sobbing mother, her bloodshot eyes and pained figure, you would understand. But you didn't. You wouldn't understand. My mother never cried in front of me before until she spoke of my father. I then understood how she could stop loving such a man. My father, he hurt her. More than any man could. He hurt me and my brothers and I am still feeling that pain to this day. My father, he was a cruel man. Selfish and destructive. My father, whom I once loved and labeled as my hero, I am now trying not to despise. My father... I can not begin to explain what he did or how... I can not begin to explain him or what all he put me through... My father, he made me into who I am today. And for that I will forever hold against him.

She attempted to burn her skin with the mere faucet
But no matter how warm the water became
the only marks on her skin were those previously left
by the hands of the rusty blade - hidden deep within her nightmares

She lay naked on the shower floor
****** legs and ****** arms spread out in front of her
and only she could make out the difference
between her tears and the running water

This child knew in that moment
that her every second on this earth had been a waste.
If only her mother, or the man that claimed to love her
knew just how empty she could feel
they would surely want no part in her disasterous real

So she lay down in the shower
as the water ran cold
and prayed for it drown her
with the small hope that there was still a God to show

I think they call it suicide
When you do it knowing you're going to die
But does it count
If you have already killed my insides?

When shall I get out of this rut?
Counting down the hours until I can go
Only five and a half now, but
I'll be back next weekend, I know.

And only thirty dollar bills a day, for what?
To get hit and kicked and yelled at
I'd rather get payed for selling my body like a ****
Or maybe I'll be a professional eater and become professionally fat.

Pure disgust is all I have to say
Until next time, dreadful day.

I understand this is hard for you
A woman whom could not govern her own
So as to reside in a greater power
In which this hope has rescued you
I understand your concern
That I will have no such one to place my blame on
But oh, you must see
That much more profound happiness
May very well be found elsewhere
In a world that which does not provide
Such an easy excuse to these troubles
You must understand, simply as I do,
That one or both are wrong,
So that these endless quarrels are useless
Let me believe in my logic and you in your fairytales
And fulfill your hunger for strife
Elsewhere

I guess Im writing this
Because there's really no one else
To share my feelings with
And I like to think, dad
That you're up in heaven
And its not as bad
Without us, as it is down here without you
Because you're watching me, dad
I bet you can see my every move

But dad, if you saw my every move you'd dissaprove
I'm broken, dad
And I don't know how to cope without you
And maybe, dad
If you never left
I wouldn't do the things that I had
And maybe, dad
If I hadn't done the things that I had
I wouldn't be this **** sad