07.00 AM :
I rubbed my eyes, blearily heading to the bathroom. Nightmare haunting my steps, as if it doesn't want to let me go.
Waking up was less dreadful than getting ready.
07.03 AM :
Turning the water knobs, was like an exorcism.
More aware, more awake, yet the blankness was still there. I wonder If today's the day.
The shower was cold as always.
I went out to fetch the towel, I never once looked at the mirror.
9.30 AM :
The first period was literature.
We're learning about the classic fairy tales. The teacher asked us for questions.
' Why does stories only tell about the fairest of them all?"
I managed to seal the questions back to where in belong.
9.55 AM :
The girl next to me received a crumpled paper ball.
She's very kind, and have the sweetest dimples.
As she reads, I can see her self esteem crumpling up, not unlike a paper ball.
I hugged her.
She asked, with hollowed voice, If I wanted to know what was written on it.
I shook my head, I already know what it is.
It's the same word, that still echoes in my world.
'FAT ***', was written on the paper.
12.30 PM :
Lunch was always a tiring affair.
Noisy chatters and baleful glare.
Distaste at how the line seems to never end.
Counting calories to pass the time.
Glancing at my wrist, deciding what food to eat based on the way my hands circle my wrist.
12. 34 PM :
Navigating cafeteria was even worse.
It's like avoiding the poisonous full course, that an assassin serve at you.
Bullying as a side dish, teenage drama as the main course, illusion of escape as the dessert.
The hustle and bustle of school life.
You are bound to accidentally consume that poisonous ****.
12.45 PM :
After I finished eating mashed potato and green beans, some hyenas approached me.
They clawed pleasantries and congratulated me.
"You are thin now! That's like so awesome! "
"Also a friendly advice, I'd watch out for that mashed potatoes! Thinking about all that calories make me shudder!"
They walked away with a bounce on their feet, and howls so loud that all the others are staring at them curiously.
I am left bleeding out and nauseous at the encounter.
I clutched my stomach, feeling claustrophobic.
Desperately, trying to banish the thought of emptying my self.
12.59 PM :
The sound of flushing, hits my ear.
Shame crashed against me with doubled force.
I heave again. Body trembling.
The bell rang.
14.00 PM :
It's the last period for the day.
It was health class, and the teacher are telling us about the importance of food. That denying your self sustenance was equal to slowly killing yourself.
He looked at me, I pretend to not see.
Last week, a senior died of anorexia.
His body was too used of rejecting food that he couldn't accept their proposal again.
His stomach balked at the thought of getting back again.
He said goodbye to the world after 7 days of divorce.
The funeral was a messy affair.
I knew him.
15.00 PM :
I opened my locker,
Head spinning from all the people that approached me today.
They were people I barely know.
Congratulating me on losing my weight. Said I was prettier. Said I look good like this. Said I should keep being this way.
Asking me, what's the secret?
They all asked with a saccharine sweet smile on their face, as if it is a good thing.
As if being sick, is a success.
I wonder if they will still call me pretty when they see the bite marks on my knuckle.
15.20 PM :
On the way home I saw a burger joint,
my stomach was clawing for food but my mouth tasted like acid.
I wonder if drinking water will be enough to quench my hunger.
15.25 PM :
I passed a water puddle.
I saw a gaunt faced girl, with a pale complexion.
Her used to be lush hair turned lanky.
Her lips were literred with cuts and bite marks, her eyes had faint purplish circle.
She looks so different from the person I used to know.
I continued my walk, trying to ignore the emptiness that had stayed in my bones.
16.30 PM :
My mother went into my room, when I was lying in my bed, counting my ribcage.
She looked at me, and a pained look crossed her face. I can see that she's holding back her tears.
She hugged me gently, as if afraid I will crumble with a touch.
I wanted to say that I wont turn into a wraith and vanish like my aunt, but I'm afraid it would be a lie.
"I'm getting better mom. Look here! I got more meat!," I said to my mom, hoping she believe the lie.
I know I'm turning fainter by the day.
She hugged me tighter, brushing my falling hair.
16.53 PM :
My mother left me her baked cookies, I nibbled on it. Wanting to stop being so starving. Ignoring the way my stomach want me to retch it.
I took another bite and count it as a success.
21.00 PM :
I stood in front of the mirror, that I had been avoiding for months, hoping to finally see my reflection.
Instead what I see was all the calories that I needed to burn,
The flaws that my body have,
And plans about not eating tomorrow.
I wonder if It's better to burn my self to ashes.
22.00 PM :
I went down stairs to grab some water.
I heard my mother crying to my father.
Said she's afraid I would vanish away from her.
Said she don't think she can take it any more.
Said she felt like she was cracking every time she sees me.
There were red gashes on her arm.
I swallowed the bile threatening to come out, ignoring how cold I feel despite the heaters on.
22.05 PM :
I smashed the mirror with my knuckle.
Rage and hopelessness was coursing my whole body. I let the tears and everything out.
The pain was sharp, and shards of glass were graced with my blood.
At that moment I saw my old self flashing in front of my eyes. So I kept punching the mirror until it is completely splintered. Shards of it was falling to the floor.
Satisfaction was addicting.
22.45 PM :
I went to sleep with gauze wrapped, still slightly bleeding, fist.
Blanket securely covering me, hoping the nightmares will not come today.
They did come, but they were nuzzling me.
07.00 AM :
I rubbed my eyes, blearily heading to the bathroom. My fist throbbed.
On the fractured mirror was written,
OUT OF ORDER:
This mirror is distorted by socially constructed
ideas of beauty.
Get a new one.
(P.S: You look fine as always)
To all the people who is fighting Eating Disorder. We Will make it