maybe
            just
                   maybe,
                                we
                                       will
                                                be.

you're always so close yet so far
i'm tired of bending backwards for you
i'm sick of swimming across to you
i'm frustrated by waiting for you for hours
don't come and find me,
i'm no longer yours

you're here, but not here

lonely yet surrounded

you don't know me

i'm quiet on the
outside
but on the inside
i'm screaming

cracked lips,
tired eyes,
staring deep into starry skies

my bestfriends
or my family
would probably
never see this
but i just
wanted to
let you know
that you are the stars,
you guys shine through
even in the darkest
situations

thank you

everyone has that one song
that makes them
laugh sometimes,
smirk like an idiot sometimes,
or cry sometimes

for me it's the
sound of your
voice,
the sound of your
heartbeat gently
beating underneath
my head as it lays
on your chest

stay with me
a little bit
longer

don't treat me
as if i'm fragile
because i might
seem quiet and shy
but i've got opinions
that are so strong
that they want
to break
through

opinions that want
me to tell you
to stop
being a
hypocrite

opinions that
make me boil
because you
won't ever
understand how
it feels to be
shut down

opinions that know
what i am
is not an option
but it's what
i've become
and what i've
accepted

opinions that
you have of me,
that i'm not
confident or
pretty

here's my opinion:
i'm confident that
you don't know me

i'm confident that i
don't need your
retorts in my life

i'm confident that
the words you
say that might
even hurt,
mean nothing
to me

and i'm
confident
that i won't
ever let it
effect me
again

i feel pretty in
the clothes i wear,
i don't need your
comment on them

i feel pretty with my
hair like this,
my shoes like that,
with my eyes on my
book because
truth be told,
it's way more
interesting than you

so wash my name
out of your mouth
because you say
i'm fragile and
oh so weak

so what if i am?

why do you care?

if only
the walls
were thicker
and then
i wouldn't
be able
to hear
my parents
fighting

if only
the walls
were thicker
so when
i'm talking
to my
bestfriends
over the phone,
they won't
ask what's
going on

if only
the walls
were thicker
and then
i wouldn't
have to tell
them it's
nothing

if only the
walls were
thicker
and then i'd
be able
to lie down
on my bed
not thinking
about what's
going on but
focusing on
myself
and my studies

if only
the walls
were thicker
so i could
sleep at
night
without
having to
hear them
all the time

if only the
walls were
thicker
so i could
close my
eyes,
even for
a second

if only
it were true
that everything
was fine

but now
i'm
listening to
their arguments
as a lullaby to
fall asleep

ignore that
mole on
your face

ignore that
pimple that's
gonna grow
and trigger more

because even
your moles
and your
pimples
are not who
you are

they can't make
you ugly,
it's you
who decides
what you are

so ignore
the comments
and start saying
that you're
pretty
even with your
mole or your
pimples

because every rough
edge
only makes a
more perfect
you

i'm the
kind of girl
that leaves notes
written on desks
but those notes
aren't for anyone
but me

those notes say:
"you look amazing today!"

those notes say:
"smile some more!"

those notes say:
"you aren't alone"

those notes say:
"you're respected"

those notes say:
"you're loved"

and i don't mind
if anyone else
reads them
because everything
on those notes
is everything
that applies to you
as well

i took breathing for granted
until the day you stole the
air from my lungs,

i took it for granted until
my ribs became steel traps
caging me in captive
like a threat to itself

there's nights i'll wake up
gasping in the heat of fire,
choking in the smoke and
begging for sweet oxygen.

not long ago i could breathe
without giving a thought
and the only thing that
feels right is when i cry
and what love of of red, pink
and white that you gave me
is now clear and transparent

i've gotten used to breathing
in the world this way without
your heartbeat in sync with mine

but now it's beating with the
monsters within the wall

it's beating with the monsters
within me

these days
if a man is
respectful,
caring and
brings his girl
always above
everything
is a luxury

but what
people in
this century
forgot is that
it should be
a standard

stop looking
in the mirror
at your imperfections

don't look at your
acne scars
or if you don't
like your nose
or the color
of your eyes

but let's look
at that breathtaking
smile you have,
the amazing
personality you
have

and how
special you
are because
you are different
from everyone else

let's not
be a little
more social
but let's be
a little more
open with
ourselves
before we are
open to anyone
else

let's not be a
little more humble
when we haven't
been selfish
for ourselves

let's not be
a little bit careful
to anyone
until we look
out for ourselves
until we care
for ourselves
and then we'd
be ready for
someone else

let's not believe
in anyone else
until we believe
in ourselves

let's not send
our love to
anyone else
until we
truly love ourselves

being us,
being you
and being me
is so different
but we all have
similar needs so
fulfill ours first
until you go to
someone else

because being you
always comes first

you push
me down
but i
don't brush
that weight
away
i don't brush
your words
away

but instead
i climb onto
them
instead of
falling down
i rise
higher than
before
because nothing
you'll ever do
matters
to me.

at least not anymore

it's kind
of scary
how people
take me more
seriously
online
than in
real life

you want
to keep
us a hush
because
you don't
want anyone
to know that
you're with me

you make it
pretty clear
when you
cunningly
follow me
like a shadow
so much alive
but not noticed

you're careful
when you're
with me
in case i might
blow up
but i don't
let my feelings
out because
i know
i will
lose you
if i did

i'm frightened
without you
because in
some wicked
way you make
me feel loved,
in some sick
way i feel happy,
in a sinners way
you make me
feel alive

the truth is
that i'm an
object to
you,
i'm just someone
who you can come
to and look for my
attention

and i'm
always dumb
enough to
give it
to you
i'm so dumb
to want you
i'm so dumb
to accept you
i'm so dumb
that i can't
let you go

you say
we're just
lovers
passing our
time,
i wish i
could call
you mine

you won't
make the
first move
then
i'd have
to prove
what you
really mean
to me

still, i know
you'll leave
me alone
and how
can i be
a lover
without
your love?

if only
words
didn't break
us apart
but you're
more
for action
and a little
more of heart

it hurts
a little
whenever
they compare
me to my
sister

i know she's
artistic
and can float
her brush on
her canvas,
she fills it
with colors
and shapes
that i wish
maybe i could
do something
like that as well
she's got a way
with her words
that make me
feel poisoned
if only i was
as good as her
with her brush
and her practice
if only i
mastered that too
but i grew up
too soon

yet here i am
painting as well
but my canvas
is black and white
my canvas
is the same shapes
repeating on and on
my canvas is forbidden
and unheard of to
my parents
my canvas isn't dead
but its alive,
breathing and swelling
she walks out
of fire even if it hurts
she might burn down
as she goes but
she's the best power
that i know
and just because
no one knows about
my art
it doesn't make
it any less special
because my
art is for
myself

they say
to be
the best
you
that you
can be
and that
every
single day
is a new
beginning

but what
they don't
know is
that i've
ran out
of re-spawns
i ran out
of lives,
i'm on
my last
one
and no matter
what day,
what hour,
or what minute
i will
always
be the same
me.

i always
dream
about
things
that i
want to be,
want to do,
want to say,
but when
i get
the chance
i don't
take it
i get
scared
thinking
what
everyone
else is
going to
think.

i'm sure
that i
could
become
stronger
if i
just wasn't
a coward.

stop
kissing
me in
the corner
of our school
where
no one
can see
us

but maybe
start
being
a friend to
me so
that everyone
knows
that i'm
more than
your toy

stop calling
me when
you're drunk
with your friends
and call me names
"what a ****."

you'd laugh like
you told a joke
but really
you know
you're lying

don't push
me in
the hallways
and act
like it
means
nothing,
like i
mean
nothing

i know
you only
say those
words
and do
those things
to get me
out of your
head

but i hope
you realize
that you're
not the
only
one
who's
afraid

you make
falling in
love seem
holy
so bless
me with
your
curse

pray
for me
a miracle
because when
the sky does fall
the devil will come
back running towards
me with his arms open
hoping for me to reach out
for him and call for him and
love for him but i can't love him,
i can't love someone that evil and
cruel, who laughs as he tortures and
smirks as he breaks your heart yet he
still would rub it in your face as if nothing.
dear angels above, the sky might be falling
but you're falling too, send a miracle and pray
for me as you fall, dear broken one- don't give up
on me now but save me from this devil inside of me.

please
don't be a
afraid
when i
really
tell you
that the
only art
i do,
is red
and golden,
carved deep
inside of me
but not a
blade but
with your
words,
i chant
them to
myself
like a
sick prayer.

you
lift me
up with you
and you take
me to heavens
where no one
has explored

and you show me
the universe
and it's end
oh how much
i'd love to
fly with you
again,

with those
majestic wings
that are
so powerful
that all
the mortals
stop and wonder
what creature
fell to us,
in this hell
down below

and we
all look
up towards the
heavens
and see you,

blocking the sunlight
from us,
giving us shade
from this heat
we thought maybe
you'd watch over us,
cool us down
and guard us

but your
wings are
wings of
the devil.

please be
quiet as
you trace
my skin
because
i'm afraid
it would
wake me up
from this dream,

don't say
a word
when
you smile
at me because
that pretty
little mouth
will ruin
the moment,

don't say
you love me
because
i can't even
love myself
and what
kind of human
am i if i cant?

please don't
leave me
even if i don't
make my mind up
but when i'm
with you even
if i won't say the
words,

i feel them
vibrating
in my bones,
swirling around
my veins in
golden ichor,
filling my
rib cage
with a garden
of hope,
wishing that i
can  nurture it
but my garden
is full of
weeds
and when
i pick up
one it
starts to
double,

i haven't
got a
green thumb
but thank God
you do.

they say
if you let
people know
then they'd
understand
but i'm sure
that you
don't want to
know about
the devil
in me.

i want to clean
up
     this
            mess
                      and  
            start
        a
new
         page
                   but
                           they
                   say
          art
is
         when
                    you
                             feel
                     the
           most
naked
           most
                     vulnerable
           most
broken
             but  
                     if
                            i
                   pick
           up
my
        my
                shards
                               then
                      i'll
           just
bleed
          with
                    ichor
                               and
                     red
           wine
hues
           that
                     reach
                                  up
                      down
          below
on
        the
                 doorsteps
                                     of
                      death
         just
                  dropping
                                        by
                             to
               say
hello.

you
silently
call for me
in the night
and i come
running back in
your arms,
others might say
that i've lost my screws
and that i've got no clue
but i know that
there's nothing better
than loving you,

and i know you feel
this too,
our connection so wild
so free and so powerful,
it makes you sway
i heard last season that
the fall took you away,
you always loved autumn
the best.

and i can't help but imagine
how you would look
if you were still green
as you can be,
but slowly you changed
shade and went orange
but still lovely
because you were the
colors of the autumn sky;
full of shades, yellow,
orange and red.
almost made me wish
that i could change with
you.

it was early in the morning
everyone else was probably
dead asleep,
but i came to you
as i heard your calls
and silently watched
as you turned brown,
the color of lost
and now my
color of love.

now as i paint the canvas
i don't use the green
of your eyes
but i use the brown
of my last sight of you,
the brown of your voice,
the brown of your cries
and the brown of your soul.

you make
me feel
like a sinner
because
loving you
is like
falling
in love
with the
devil.

i'm
making
a deal
with the devil
when i dance with
him late at night
down at parties
drunk in love
with you

but he's got me
wrapped around,
oh the devil
stays with me
and he pulls
my hair back
as i let
it all
out,

he's always
mad but
he won't let
me go because
every night,
he calls me
in my room
asking for
one last
dance.

dancing with
the devil
has never
been
better,
because
he's a devil
in the form
of you.

you don't like
those freckles
on your shoulders
but i love drawing them
on the page like
constellations
that are immoral,
that stay with me
forever
even if
you don't
know
that i
exist on
the same
planet
as you.

how
amazing
it would be
if you said
"i love you"
because that
would mean so
much more
than this silence

there's something
about you
that makes me
wish that i
could have
the courage
and just say
'hi'

it's hard
to read
you
through
your eyes
because you
keep them
stormy and
void of any
emotion,
dark and
bitter,
almost keeps
me up at
nights,
trying to
remember
the bridge
of your nose,
the shape of
your eyebrow
and your grey
eyes,
nothing
crosses over
your face
except
a tiny snarl
that slips past
your lips,
if only
i knew
how you felt
when i
told you
i loved you.

do you feel  anxious?
can you still eat without
having the thought
that maybe you'll
swell up and
can't get past door
or hearts?
wanting to be like
paper but
you never thought
that being paper
was fragile
and that people
could write all
over you.
what you needed
was thick skin
and a thick heart.

do you feel scared?
when you hear your
name, thinking
are they talking
about your scars?
your imperfections?
your breakouts and your
bruised skin.
can you look at someone
straight in the eye
without thinking
that they're staring
at that ugly mole
and aren't even
focusing on you,
so you look down
at their feet
but darling,
you should look
at them with pride
because your scars,
marks and pimples
are not an end
but they are
a journey,
a story
of what
you've gone
through.

do you feel stressed?
when compare your body
to a model or an idol
who has a tiny waist,
yet she's curvy,
do you measure your *******,
your waist and looking
for solutions to looking
like your 'dream girl'
that you dream about,
the one who's
so confident
so beautiful
so perfect?

have you ever thought,
that maybe
your dream girl
was actually inside of you?
she came to birth with you
she opened her eyes with you
she said her first word with you,
she walked with you.

and she'll dream with you
oh she'd care for you,
look out for you,
crave for you
but most of all
she'll love you.

you are your dream girl.

next time
when you
tell me
that you
love me.
don't look
at the ground,
your hands
your shoes
or at the sky
but next time
tell me
that i mean
the most
to you
with no
limits
no boundaries
no buts
in between.
next time
look at me,
at my face,
through my eyes
and smile at me
like you
sometimes do
with happiness.
because seeing you
makes me
feel
happy.

i love it
how you
gently
run your fingers
along my body
as if i'm a canvas
and you're painting me
in red love,
orange trust,
yellow happiness,
green jealousy,
blue euphoria,
and purple
like royalty,
you stare at
me like i'm
worth looking
at, like i'm art,
oh how you carefully,
run your fingers on
my cheek and
whisper to me
ever so softly
"i love you."
but you're
just the paintbrush,
and you're
going to be
finish
this
masterpiece.

do you feel this love?
where i
can't sleep
but instead
i'm dreaming
about you
in a hazy way,
and how maybe
you might be doing
the same as me
or maybe i stare at the
ceiling and these four walls
feeling like you know
how much i miss you even though
i just saw you a few hours ago
even though it felt like forever,
is this love?
when i can't eat
but not that i'm not hungry
but because i wan't to be like the girls
you like who are skinny and polite,
not loud and who eat a lot,
but i know it's for a good cause
because in the end,
i get you.
is this love?
when you tell me what to wear
or get mad if i say something to your friends
or if any one of them get close to me,
my friends would say you're being protective
but there's something different,
something that's more possessive
and that something
scares me.
oh pray,
please do tell me,
is this love
that we're dealing with?

you faintly
smell like
coffee and
you keep
me up
all night,
thinking
of what we
could've been,
i can't focus
because
all i
ever
think about
is you,
the way
you laugh
the way
you smile
they way
your eyes
light up as
you see her.
i'll wait,
and until then
i'll be sipping
on some
strong
coffee,
trying to get
you
out
of my
system.

i love you
or maybe
i love the
idea
of being
in love
with you.
knowing
that maybe
in some
world
we could
change the
past
and i
could call
you mine
even if
the gods
are against it.
even if
you've got
your eyes
on her
and i
can't ever
be her.
because i'm
not as
smart as her,
as pretty as her,
as funny as her,
i wish
you'd know
that maybe
there's something
in me that she
doesn't have.
even if
maybe we
never meet
i will
always know
that you're out there
somehow,
waiting for me
and feeling the same
way like me.
as if i'm missing
something special,
a part of me,
that's in you.