if i'm not alive
- i won't be here to give them so many problems
- so maybe i shouldn't be

if i'm injured
- they'll forget about all the smaller problems
- so maybe i should be

if i'm gone
- they won't suffer the bad that i've brought
- the frustration and anger
- so maybe

i hate myself so ******* much
looking for a blade to cut my wrists open
see a thumbtack
no courage to do it
white walls around me
imagining my blood splattered all over
let's paint the town red
if i jump off now
do you think i would die
funny thing is
i dont wanna die
i just dont want anything to happen to me ever again
every good thing has a bad thing
are good things worth it then?
whats the point in being happy if
its just digging a deeper ditch for next time
new highs mean lower lows
what fun

why can't i just go back to a time
where it was normal
where i wasnt having a breakdown every week
twice a week
where i didnt complain about every ******* problem
and make such a big deal out of every small ******* thing
hurting the one i love most
making them think theyre the problem
it's all me it's always me it's always been me it'll always be me

enter: new fear
that you'll be so done with me
that you'll leave
and then everything becomes a problem
everything is my problem
everything is my fault
it's always me it's always me it's always me
i need to STOP
but how
stop feeling?
stop complaining?
cry to myself instead?
yes that'll do the trick
ill just share how i got over it
who needs attention anyway
let me shrivel up unnoticed
i shouldn't need attention
attention is stupid and im a joke

i did, and i don't know why

was it because i held on a hope?
a hope that maybe it would be mutual
that even if that day it wasn't
that one day it would be?

was it because it reminded me of you?
to always remember that there's someone
someone out there looking out for me
who actually cared about me?

or was it because i still love you?
even though i said it over
and over and over and over
it's all in the past?

maybe i'm lying to myself
maybe i'm lying to you

It's odd how we have
No problem saying
I love you
To those we only consider
Strictly just friends
But find it hard to say
I love you
To those we really truly love
And just don't have the courage
To say it

growing up they say
it's all about being independent
about living alone
about loneliness
and that's what im so afraid of
not of independence
not of living alone
but of the loneliness
of the loneliness that eventually
consumes me, takes me
that should make me proud of myself
because hey, i'm living alone
but just throws me back in
into this cycle of quiet, of thoughts
the cycle that drags me into the deep
dark corners of my mind
that won't let me escape
won't let me want to escape
because it's safe here
it's quiet
it's alone.

i know i'll be fine at first
figuring out my daily routine
my cycle, day after day
of school to home to gym
with some occasional happiness
of friends, of family
but in the end
it's just me, alone
the sulk on my face
never leaving
the tears in my eyes
always returning

and i'm afraid
that i'll be so deep
in the darkness
that i won't be able
to come out of it
that i'll be stuck there
seeing my life as nothing
more than lows with temporary highs

i need you
i don't want to be alone
i can't be
i won't be me if i am
and i'm afraid i never will

yes, i know you want me to be
independent
but i don't want to be
alone
because when i'm
lonely
i don't know what i'll do
to feel better

I just want the innocence
When people find our laughs have resemblance
When I grasp your hand so tight
When one single hug, might
Just cause us to look into each other's eyes
Even in daytime, we see the night skies
With the stars dotting the universe
All we can see, is us

Old thoughts haunting me
I messed up
I did something wrong
I wasn't enough

I should pay
I used to accept my fate
Take the defeat and revel in it
Love the pain

But now I have another voice
In my head, a reason to fight
Usually a landslide victory, easy
But tonight is different

Tonight I'm losing a battle
I didn't realise I was fighting

I thought we were close
I thought we were good friends, dare I say more
I thought you liked spending time with me, the way I do with you
I thought maybe, just maybe, I had a chance
I thought we could be something
I thought one day when we're alone, it'd happen
I thought everything would be so right
I thought you were my friend

And there's the problem
I thought

burden
disgusting
out of place
too sensitive
insecure
weak
******* idiot

no one's said it to my face, but i've said it to myself
maybe a thousand times over
words running through my head on replay
and replay
and replay
and replay
and replay

until i can't really hear anything else
i'm hurting the people i love
and i'm watching it happen
and i can't stop it

trapped and out of control
drowning in self pity, what a fool
idiot, fool, what is wrong with you

stuck

is it never enough
yes, i know
you mean it as a joke
poke fun at me, sure
but you will never
ever know the state of
my mind
how broken i am
how badly i'm affected, that
your joke is why
i cry myself to sleep (three times now)
your joke is why
i force myself not to cry in school (several times today)
your joke is why
i can't say another word (five times)

is my life too easy in your eyes
do i not have enough to deal with
must you add more, maybe
you want to push me, see how
much it takes until i break

oh you have no idea
i'm already dying

it's the little things that get you

when he answers your sarcasm with more sarcasm
when he continues your senseless banter
when he actually tries to continue your conversation
when you go to sleep with a smile on your face

that's when you know he's got you
in his orbit
under his spell
completely and utterly taken with him
and you know you're *******

Dear March me,

Stop it. He's not worth it. He's going to make your head spin round and round and round and round, but in the end, all you will be is confused. He will make you feel like something special, and you'll love it. But you'll remember, he doesn't want you. He's just using your links, your opinions. He only wants your friends, only compliments you so you are nice to him, only for him to ask for your opinion, nothing about your life or how you're doing, at all. And when one day, you ask him how he is, he will push you away, like you are an ant on his desk, like you are a fly in his way. And then you'll be hurt. So stop it. Keep an open mind to everyone, don't fall so fast. In fact, learn a few tips from him. Make them like you, and see if it's the same. Test all grounds before going too deep, or backing away too fast. Be neutral. That's safest. And safe is the way to go.

August me

life is one big exam
what are we studying for?

You were an acid
Destroying others
Making them nothing
And hungry for more

I was a base
An innocent mind
Eager for adventure
Reactive to a select few

We were neutralised
With me, you were tamed and docile
With you, I was someone new
Our beaker fell off the counter top

And
                                                        ­  s ha  t  t   e   r  e      *d

'let's find love to live for'

that's what you said.
and i thought you meant me
why was i how could i so stupid
didn't you know?

'you were what i lived for'

Just ten minutes was enough
To build up the longing
That would last, and definitely hurt
While I wait for you to return

It was so innocent, so gentle, so pure
Just a simple lean and I knew for sure
I needed, wanted, yearned for more
I wanted to see what life had in store

You asked me a question, just a mischievous thing
But it came out and I started thinking
Turning and looking at your face (I nearly wanted to run)
Elbowed you gently, smiled and said 'this one'

Perhaps one day I would look back
And see that was when it had just begun
Maybe one day I will turn to you and say
You are the one

Who will teach me how
To love again, when? Now?

Hunger fills me, the worst kind
It doesn't go away.

Difficult to be filled, but impossible?
I sure hope not

Come to me, embrace me
Love me, like never before

I don't want to say it
I don't want to think it
I don't want to show it

But I do
I love you

respect: earned through suffering
no food no sleep no rest
worth: deemed by usefulness
idleness is useless is worthless

a cart of ideologies
hurtling down an infinite hill
pushing on to the next poor fools
who receive and continue

maybe I need to slow it down
throw myself in front and
bump
did that work

is one made a martyr
or just a conman, the easy way out
refusing to play the game
opt out of self sacrifice with self sacrifice

As I act as a medium
For conversations between lovers
I watch them fall deeper
And deeper in love

I watch as everyone around me
Falls in love ever so sweetly
While I am here
With *no one

I used to think
The only way to not be
Scared of monsters was to become one

So I *did

Sure*, at first it's easy
Suppress the feelings
Drown the world out with
Music, but soon
It gets harder and harder
And harder and you need
To voice it out, to tell someone
That's alright, tolerable
But what worries me is
In the end, how will I cope?
When not even music can
Drown my own thoughts out?
What will I resort to?

sure, nobody's perfect
no one ever said they were
but i want to be perfect for you

there's always something missing
some vibe, some part that just
can't fill the hole

i'm just never enough
for anyone

a creature of
fear
anxiety
paranoia

driven by
hate of self
love for others

scared of
the dark around her
not the dark inside

wanting to
*hurt herself
not the ones she loves

I know it
You know it
Our nothing wasn't nothing

this wasn't supposed to happen
i'm not supposed to feel this way
what have you done to me?

but something that everyone says
it's gotten to me and now
i can't get it out of me

now when i see you or hear about you
i can't help but think about you and her
and my heart cracks a little

What we had was good


I'll find one that's *better

slit my wrists and leave me open
to burn
and dry
and rot

rid me of this pain
the cruel sting of panic
its breathless fight
to hold back tears of desperation

Please be different
            I'm begging you
           Down on my knees
Please be different

Please don't use me
            Just for other girls
           To practice talking to your ex
Please don't use me

Please don't ask me
           What girls like or want
           What to give your friends
Please, just don't

Please talk to me
            For who I am
            For being better friends with me
Please talk to me

Please don't ignore me
           Be the one who
           Starts our conversations
Please don't ignore me

Please be my friend
           One of my guy friends
           One of my best friends
Please be my friend

Please love me
           Not asking for a relationship
           Love me as a friend
Please love me

That's all I ask for

plot twist:
they like you back
they do enjoy texting you
your mind is wrong

She's queueing up for a drink

Warm hands hug her from behind
Diagonally across her front
They feel safe
They feel like home

She grasps the arms
Turns her head
Ever
So
Slightly

Stares into his eyes
They smirk as they move
Closer till their breaths mix
And's light, smooth, nothing
Like she had ever imagined

Oh, it's so much better

i've come to realise something
there comes a time
when after pining over that someone
whether it's because of his looks
or his personality
or the way he talks to you
or the way he makes you feel like home
and despite you feeling all this
        and you've been telling yourself
        no way, i do not like him
he feels nothing
you know that you are nothing to him
and you tire
after pining over him for so long
you realise nothing is over going to happen
so you give up, you feel nothing
is it an emptiness?
or just ignorance?
or is it just the state of extreme emotional fatigue?
doesn't really matter.

you know what
if you have the nerve
to reply me with
one
word
texts
after 2 weeks of
not texting then
i've got a message:
*****
you

the glint of an eye
a cheeky smile
the sunshine after a storm
a hug after a bad day

the reflection of metal
a handle of black
the sharpness of pain
a drop of blood falling from a wrist

And when the lights go out
We are forced to be with
None other than ourselves
Sheer silence tells all
About who we are
Who we were
And who we want to be

As the switch flips
Lights turn on
And sadly, we are nothing
But a blown bulb

she's slipping
she knows it
and she doesn't know if anyone else does
if anyone else can see it in her eyes

it's not that she's going to
do anything to herself
she has a more passive approach
and that scares her more

what if, one day,
she's on the verge of death
but she doesn't take that one step
that one safe step to safety

what if she lets herself go
not because she took the step of death
but because she didn't save herself
would anyone care?

she tries, she's trying
to pull herself back together
but it's difficult when no one cares
when no one sees, in the very first place

It gets easier
Somehow
In a weird kind of way
Slowly, day by day

First you're crazy
Head over heels
Want to see them desperately
Needing something to feel

Then you see you're not in their eyes
Not even in peripheral, something at the side
Just a friend, nothing more at all
How do I accept it? How do I move on?

Still stuck on them for a few more days
And slowly, the sickness drifts away
Leaving your body faster than you thought
Are your feelings for them all but naught?

Finally you realise
There's no chance, move on
It's the easiest way to do it
Just
            forget
                          about  
                                         it
                                                 all

Somehow.

some nights anxiety wins
and i'm left a
withering, melting mess

of holding back tears and
an aching in my heart
and sheer helplessness

do i want the night to end
or perhaps a reset, a redo
so i can claim it back for myself

but tonight i've lost

sometimes it's more than
just saying what if
he likes her more than me
what if he gets together with her
what if they love each other

sometimes it's about going beyond
and saying
i'll wait
for when you come back to me
i'll wait for when it's our time
i'll wait for you

and that's the trap
we might get so caught up
in waiting for that one person
that we don't see everyone else
but what if it's worth it?
what if it's a test?
what if he's the one?