i knew it was going
too good
for too long

feelings in the green
actually, genuinely
enjoying life? who knew

one trip one wrong step
crumbling into ashes
thinking about that shiny metal once again

****** person
undeserving of respect
your purpose is for others
no rights for you

thoughts that were
always there, waiting for
me, welcoming back

twas a fool to think
i had overcome something
so innate so natural

foreshadowing maybe?
a fresh start thwarted
doomed to return to the same

darkness

out of my body
into my legs
my arms
the tips of my fingers

somewhere i won't feel it

respect: earned through suffering
no food no sleep no rest
worth: deemed by usefulness
idleness is useless is worthless

a cart of ideologies
hurtling down an infinite hill
pushing on to the next poor fools
who receive and continue

maybe I need to slow it down
throw myself in front and
bump
did that work

is one made a martyr
or just a conman, the easy way out
refusing to play the game
opt out of self sacrifice with self sacrifice

slit my wrists and leave me open
to burn
and dry
and rot

rid me of this pain
the cruel sting of panic
its breathless fight
to hold back tears of desperation

the glint of an eye
a cheeky smile
the sunshine after a storm
a hug after a bad day

the reflection of metal
a handle of black
the sharpness of pain
a drop of blood falling from a wrist

some nights anxiety wins
and i'm left a
withering, melting mess

of holding back tears and
an aching in my heart
and sheer helplessness

do i want the night to end
or perhaps a reset, a redo
so i can claim it back for myself

but tonight i've lost

used to be a comfort for her
but now it's - what?
a house with a bed with little joys
but it's not the same as it used to be
is it?

someone once told her
'i can tell you're suffocating a bit'
and that phrase has stuck with her
come back to her every now and then

the more things happen the more
she realises they're right, she is
suffocating, stuck, struggling
to hold on and be who she is, who she wants to be

now she sits up in bed
they're still there, they're happy
but she isn't, she's uncomfortable in
her own skin, it just doesn't fit

she doesn't like who she is
when she's there, she feels like
it's the old her and she doesn't want that
not anymore

but isn't it ungrateful to
not appreciate everything she has
why want more, people would ****
for what she has

and yet, she wants to write her
own story, own beginning, start
her chapter, her legacy,
her family

sometimes its depression
numbing yourself so you don't feel
sad or angry or anything
so you don't hurt
inside and out

sometimes its tiredness
thinking and feeling and empathising
so much that your emotions shut down
you smile nicely at everything
and you know how to react
just enough to look okay

sometimes its wishfulness
hoping and praying so hard
that the pain suffered by the one you love
could disappear, because you're helpless
and you want so badly for them to feel better

because emptiness is what they feel
so maybe somehow
by feeling the same way
it'll help them
it's worth a shot

if i'm not alive
- i won't be here to give them so many problems
- so maybe i shouldn't be

if i'm injured
- they'll forget about all the smaller problems
- so maybe i should be

if i'm gone
- they won't suffer the bad that i've brought
- the frustration and anger
- so maybe

burden
disgusting
out of place
too sensitive
insecure
weak
******* idiot

no one's said it to my face, but i've said it to myself
maybe a thousand times over
words running through my head on replay
and replay
and replay
and replay
and replay

until i can't really hear anything else
i'm hurting the people i love
and i'm watching it happen
and i can't stop it

trapped and out of control
drowning in self pity, what a fool
idiot, fool, what is wrong with you

stuck

Old thoughts haunting me
I messed up
I did something wrong
I wasn't enough

I should pay
I used to accept my fate
Take the defeat and revel in it
Love the pain

But now I have another voice
In my head, a reason to fight
Usually a landslide victory, easy
But tonight is different

Tonight I'm losing a battle
I didn't realise I was fighting

i hate myself so ******* much
looking for a blade to cut my wrists open
see a thumbtack
no courage to do it
white walls around me
imagining my blood splattered all over
let's paint the town red
if i jump off now
do you think i would die
funny thing is
i dont wanna die
i just dont want anything to happen to me ever again
every good thing has a bad thing
are good things worth it then?
whats the point in being happy if
its just digging a deeper ditch for next time
new highs mean lower lows
what fun

why can't i just go back to a time
where it was normal
where i wasnt having a breakdown every week
twice a week
where i didnt complain about every ******* problem
and make such a big deal out of every small ******* thing
hurting the one i love most
making them think theyre the problem
it's all me it's always me it's always been me it'll always be me

enter: new fear
that you'll be so done with me
that you'll leave
and then everything becomes a problem
everything is my problem
everything is my fault
it's always me it's always me it's always me
i need to STOP
but how
stop feeling?
stop complaining?
cry to myself instead?
yes that'll do the trick
ill just share how i got over it
who needs attention anyway
let me shrivel up unnoticed
i shouldn't need attention
attention is stupid and im a joke

and when we are alone with our thoughts
we are nothing more than our mistakes

just two kids
riddled with anxiety and depression
finding comfort in each other
loving each other
stumbling through life
hoping to make it out
alive

fear takes hold
same thoughts that
caused infinite nights
of crying, tears

i was having hope
of a future where
i was happy
i was comfortable

too used to that thought
never considered that
it could disappear
please don't go

a year without you
my love, is a year
without life

and i'll be ******
if i lose 5 years of life

old problems used to be
keeping everything inside
never feeling anything at all

new problems are
keeping everything inside
feeling everything at once

relish in the feeling
in bursts of tears
why can't i control myself

burdens on the only person
who could ever understand
tired

body struggles to be healthy
mind nagging again
i'm not feeling well

not well
not entirely healthy
just ****** up

burns through my body
setting me on fire, wild
needing to show on my skin
an etch a scratch a scar
anywhere but inside, please

love tells me no, don't
a scar hurts him more than yourself
but hate tells me to keep
going, don't stop, it's what
i deserve, all this pain

half wants it to stop
be happy, love me, but
half wants it to continue
loves the way it burns, how
it gets me the attention i crave

make it stop
please
i cant do it alone

facade stays up for
a week? a month? maybe two?
but how long before she slips
she hates she cracks
she hates she crumbles
she hates she
b        r  e         a     k  s

a creature of
fear
anxiety
paranoia

driven by
hate of self
love for others

scared of
the dark around her
not the dark inside

wanting to
*hurt herself
not the ones she loves

the comfort
of numbness
of white noise
of emptiness
returns to me
an old feeling
hello, old friend

don't you know?
i love you so
so much
i don't know how
to show you
i can say it
i can hug you
i can kiss you
but i can't think of
amazing, breathtaking ways
of making you feel as mushy
inside as you make me
please don't think of it
as laziness or not loving you
my dear, i love you more than you know
i'd fall apart without you
i'd be a mess of flesh and bones
my dear, i need you

and i'm so
afraid to lose you
i find myself
pushing you away
refusing your help
when you try
telling me again
to sit up
straight, and drink
more water, and
do my work
but i'm just
ignoring you again
hurting myself before
time gets a
chance to, or
i somehow break
your beautiful heart

you're the best
thing that's ever
happened to me
so why am
i stopping it
why can't i
control my actions
my ****** up
late night thoughts

dear younger me,

congratulations! you made it to the end of formal schooling
you probably have tons of questions for me,
but i have a few for you
dear me, what's it like to play everyday
what's it like to play computer games
what's it like to go to the playground
dear me, what's it like to be able to handle school
to be able to actually be ahead of work
and spend most of the time not studying
dear me, what's it like to be happy everyday
to be able to smile at the smallest thing
to always love your life
dear me, what's it like
to not care about what others think
of how you look, what you say
dear me, what's it like
to not have the expectations of everyone
burden your shoulders
dear me, what's it like
to not have (almost) daily thoughts
of not wanting to be alive
dear me, what's it like
to run away from an approaching car
instead of wanting to walk in front of it
dear me, what's it like
to always sleep happily
and not have to hide your tears
when everyone's asleep
dear me, what's it like to live?
to want to live, to love being alive
dear me, please be strong
there will be days when
you don't want to live (yes, appalling)
you don't want to smile (how)
you don't want anything
please hang in there
there will be days when
there's only one thing
stopping you from ending it all
please, please be strong

sincerely,
me

is it never enough
yes, i know
you mean it as a joke
poke fun at me, sure
but you will never
ever know the state of
my mind
how broken i am
how badly i'm affected, that
your joke is why
i cry myself to sleep (three times now)
your joke is why
i force myself not to cry in school (several times today)
your joke is why
i can't say another word (five times)

is my life too easy in your eyes
do i not have enough to deal with
must you add more, maybe
you want to push me, see how
much it takes until i break

oh you have no idea
i'm already dying

will she die before 30?
no, not literally
she'll keep her body alive
expectations do that to you
           expected to be good
           expected to be successful
but her mind
will that fade away
nothing but logic
never for her
always for others
her body            - perfect form
her work           - perfect rhythm
her                      -perfectly gone

she doesn't want to die
not really
but she's seen the darkness
in her
and knows it's coming

eat to survive
come home to survive
nothing ever done
to really live

indulged in work
escape from her reality
from everything that
drags her down

so what happens
when the work is done
when the time comes
to "enjoy life"

does she force herself
to face her true reality
the very thing
she's been running from?

or does she throw herself
into something else, another escape
another distraction
eat to survive

piling
up and up and up
on top of her
each one larger than the next
problems on top of problems
expectations
the cherry on top
piled on her will to live
that weakens
with every passing day
slowly fading away
just like she is
losing track of herself
slowly cracking, breaking
and when it ends
what will she be
will she even be her?
or just a shell
of who she used to be
bits and pieces of what survived
fragments from her collapse
her joy is felt, but temporary
her sadness lives on, continues
it never really ends
and it all starts now

everyone
everything
expects her to be good
do well
be perfect
oh honey
she's nowhere near fking perfect

growing up they say
it's all about being independent
about living alone
about loneliness
and that's what im so afraid of
not of independence
not of living alone
but of the loneliness
of the loneliness that eventually
consumes me, takes me
that should make me proud of myself
because hey, i'm living alone
but just throws me back in
into this cycle of quiet, of thoughts
the cycle that drags me into the deep
dark corners of my mind
that won't let me escape
won't let me want to escape
because it's safe here
it's quiet
it's alone.

i know i'll be fine at first
figuring out my daily routine
my cycle, day after day
of school to home to gym
with some occasional happiness
of friends, of family
but in the end
it's just me, alone
the sulk on my face
never leaving
the tears in my eyes
always returning

and i'm afraid
that i'll be so deep
in the darkness
that i won't be able
to come out of it
that i'll be stuck there
seeing my life as nothing
more than lows with temporary highs

i need you
i don't want to be alone
i can't be
i won't be me if i am
and i'm afraid i never will

yes, i know you want me to be
independent
but i don't want to be
alone
because when i'm
lonely
i don't know what i'll do
to feel better

sure, nobody's perfect
no one ever said they were
but i want to be perfect for you

there's always something missing
some vibe, some part that just
can't fill the hole

i'm just never enough
for anyone

two people, both alike in so many ways
both broken a little, here and there
both with the thought that

no one could love them

everything changes in a day
24 hours is all anyone has
made use of to the fullest

too fast too soon too close
all happens at once
and they let it, they want it

maybe they were just lonely
maybe they were bored
maybe they had given up, but

they made a choice, one that continues
on into the uncertain future,
fraught with obstacles at every turn

but it's a choice
one that they have to make
every single day

that's what love is about isn't it?
it's about choosing them everyday
it's about not making promises but keeping them anyway
it's about a special kind of bond, unbreakable

maybe they've found it, maybe not
but for two people, broken a little
it's more than enough

i never thought
in a million years
would i sit there
under the blazing sun
still sea water
soft sound of crashing waves
in your arms,
thumb mindlessly strokes me
hand holding mine
leaning on you
my body fitting with yours so perfectly

never
*but it happened

sometimes it's more than
just saying what if
he likes her more than me
what if he gets together with her
what if they love each other

sometimes it's about going beyond
and saying
i'll wait
for when you come back to me
i'll wait for when it's our time
i'll wait for you

and that's the trap
we might get so caught up
in waiting for that one person
that we don't see everyone else
but what if it's worth it?
what if it's a test?
what if he's the one?

she wonders why
she goes for the type of guy
who is too far from her
too far out of her reach
she: actually loves the thrill

she thinks that
it's just bad luck that all the guys
she likes rarely reply
take way too long
she: loves the suspense

she waits patiently
for the day that some guy, anyone
will want her as much
as she wants them
she: scares them

she's passionate
she dives in deep
and she needs someone
a thrill-seeker just like her

i like you
i really do
but i also know
that it's in my dreams
my friends comfort me
say i have a shot
but i know it'll never be
so i'm just waiting
waiting for the
crushing
moment
when i see another girl
in your arms
and the worst part is
that even then,
i'll be waiting

you're haunting me
filling my thoughts
everything i read
everything i imagine
everything
it all goes back to you
and why?
when all you do
is haunt me in my dreams
but never in reality

I thought we were close
I thought we were good friends, dare I say more
I thought you liked spending time with me, the way I do with you
I thought maybe, just maybe, I had a chance
I thought we could be something
I thought one day when we're alone, it'd happen
I thought everything would be so right
I thought you were my friend

And there's the problem
I thought

I can't stop thinking about it
It's not what you said to me
More that you said it to me
You made me feel
Like I could do it
Like you believed in me
Like someone cared
You listened
And you understood

You looked me in the eyes when I told you
Even when my brain told me to look away
Your eyes told me more than what your mouth did
That being unconfident is the worst thing to be
That I should never change myself for others
No one has ever said that to me

Thank you

'let's find love to live for'

that's what you said.
and i thought you meant me
why was i how could i so stupid
didn't you know?

'you were what i lived for'