Secrets, I do not wish to keep
But if I don't, how am I to sleep?

i know you care
deep inside
you redirect the topic
but you do
i know it
in my bones
in my veins
in my blood
each cell of me knows
you pretend not to
but you do
i know you do

When your arms are too heavy for your shoulders
When your legs can't bear your own weight
When you don't know what to do
But then again, what's new?

Maybe if I tell myself
I don't need you
Enough times
You will disappear
From my trapped mind

And that will be my down

                                                 fall

A l m o s t
Is that all we are meant to be
To come so far, get so close
Whoever said love is free?
Open your eyes, really look
Look at the way I see you
Like you're all I've ever wanted
I wish to be that for you
Not just an almost

I've touched your hand
And you've touched mine
I've been in your arms
Every single time
We've danced and sung
Laughed and loved
Looked in your eyes, smiled
I'm so much more than an almost
P l e a s e

My heart flips every time
You start with 'hey baby'

I know it's just friendly
But I can't help it

old problems used to be
keeping everything inside
never feeling anything at all

new problems are
keeping everything inside
feeling everything at once

relish in the feeling
in bursts of tears
why can't i control myself

burdens on the only person
who could ever understand
tired

body struggles to be healthy
mind nagging again
i'm not feeling well

not well
not entirely healthy
just ****** up

will she die before 30?
no, not literally
she'll keep her body alive
expectations do that to you
           expected to be good
           expected to be successful
but her mind
will that fade away
nothing but logic
never for her
always for others
her body            - perfect form
her work           - perfect rhythm
her                      -perfectly gone

she doesn't want to die
not really
but she's seen the darkness
in her
and knows it's coming

The day you see a group picture
And he's there, but you don't get a heart attack
Is the day you can breathe

The day you receive a message from him
And you don't feel like squealing
Is the day you can breathe

The day you don't feel the urge to call him
And tell him you want him so bad it hurts
Is the day you can breathe

**Finally

just two kids
riddled with anxiety and depression
finding comfort in each other
loving each other
stumbling through life
hoping to make it out
alive

two people, both alike in so many ways
both broken a little, here and there
both with the thought that

no one could love them

everything changes in a day
24 hours is all anyone has
made use of to the fullest

too fast too soon too close
all happens at once
and they let it, they want it

maybe they were just lonely
maybe they were bored
maybe they had given up, but

they made a choice, one that continues
on into the uncertain future,
fraught with obstacles at every turn

but it's a choice
one that they have to make
every single day

that's what love is about isn't it?
it's about choosing them everyday
it's about not making promises but keeping them anyway
it's about a special kind of bond, unbreakable

maybe they've found it, maybe not
but for two people, broken a little
it's more than enough

piling
up and up and up
on top of her
each one larger than the next
problems on top of problems
expectations
the cherry on top
piled on her will to live
that weakens
with every passing day
slowly fading away
just like she is
losing track of herself
slowly cracking, breaking
and when it ends
what will she be
will she even be her?
or just a shell
of who she used to be
bits and pieces of what survived
fragments from her collapse
her joy is felt, but temporary
her sadness lives on, continues
it never really ends
and it all starts now

everyone
everything
expects her to be good
do well
be perfect
oh honey
she's nowhere near fking perfect

no matter how
stable
sturdy
stunning
a bridge may be

fires will always come
and burn
burn
burn
them to the ground

all that we've worked for
now in ashes, black soot
covering my fingers
can we rebuild it together?

or will we be trapped on either side
never meeting in the middle
caught at arms length
further than we ever were before

and i'm so
afraid to lose you
i find myself
pushing you away
refusing your help
when you try
telling me again
to sit up
straight, and drink
more water, and
do my work
but i'm just
ignoring you again
hurting myself before
time gets a
chance to, or
i somehow break
your beautiful heart

you're the best
thing that's ever
happened to me
so why am
i stopping it
why can't i
control my actions
my ****** up
late night thoughts

dear younger me,

congratulations! you made it to the end of formal schooling
you probably have tons of questions for me,
but i have a few for you
dear me, what's it like to play everyday
what's it like to play computer games
what's it like to go to the playground
dear me, what's it like to be able to handle school
to be able to actually be ahead of work
and spend most of the time not studying
dear me, what's it like to be happy everyday
to be able to smile at the smallest thing
to always love your life
dear me, what's it like
to not care about what others think
of how you look, what you say
dear me, what's it like
to not have the expectations of everyone
burden your shoulders
dear me, what's it like
to not have (almost) daily thoughts
of not wanting to be alive
dear me, what's it like
to run away from an approaching car
instead of wanting to walk in front of it
dear me, what's it like
to always sleep happily
and not have to hide your tears
when everyone's asleep
dear me, what's it like to live?
to want to live, to love being alive
dear me, please be strong
there will be days when
you don't want to live (yes, appalling)
you don't want to smile (how)
you don't want anything
please hang in there
there will be days when
there's only one thing
stopping you from ending it all
please, please be strong

sincerely,
me

Will you decompose me?
Take me apart piece by piece
Bring me back to my roots
Until I am
                     no
                              more

Your branches, they reach out
Scratchy and rough, but warm
In your embrace, I am vulnerable
But at the same time strong

Now flourish, the flowers
And fruits of our labour
Don't leave, I'll be powerless
I know you will, sooner or later

That's when I truly decompose
Not with you, not even close
I decompose to nothing
Exactly what I am to you

Just when you think life is happy and swell,
Well, what if nobody  ever falls in love with me?

Isn't it sad
How some of us
Need others to
Define who exactly we are?

For what we use as distractions
Are nothing more than just that
They won't stop a heart's contractions
Or aches when memories of past
Are resurfaced
Instead, they merely graze
The mental wound
Like a pack of hounds
Tearing you to pieces
And your temporary happiness *ceases

Oh the irony
When we're young and innocent
Find someone we like and filled with joy
Next, everything falls and crashes

Years later, we meet others
But this time we question
Not them, not others, but
We question ourselves

Can never trust our own minds
Is it nothing more than an infatuation?
We will never know
Oh, the irony

just when i thought i was over you
you re-enter, in my dreams
doing the same  **** thing
that made me fall in love

in the first place

The moment dreams
Become nightmares
Is when you wake up
And you can't remember
If it really happened
Or if it will ever happen
And you pray and pray
And pray that oh please,
If anything bad were to happen
Let it not be that dream

when you tell people your biggest fear
does that make them easier to conquer
or all the more realistic and impossible

when you tell people your biggest dreams
does that make them more real
or does it only jinx your future

i always thought drowning
had to do with bodies of water
water filling your lungs
until you can't breathe

i would've never thought drowning
meant being so empty
that nothing thrives there
and you feel dead inside

sometimes its depression
numbing yourself so you don't feel
sad or angry or anything
so you don't hurt
inside and out

sometimes its tiredness
thinking and feeling and empathising
so much that your emotions shut down
you smile nicely at everything
and you know how to react
just enough to look okay

sometimes its wishfulness
hoping and praying so hard
that the pain suffered by the one you love
could disappear, because you're helpless
and you want so badly for them to feel better

because emptiness is what they feel
so maybe somehow
by feeling the same way
it'll help them
it's worth a shot

You placed her within your jaws
You salivated and chewed
With each bite, you ground her
Smaller smaller smaller
Into fine pieces, into the very elements
She was composed of, then
You devoured her
One swift move, she was
Washed away down your
Long winding throat
But she fed on the acid
You used to burn her
She devoured that and grew
Grew grew, until she climbed
Out of your mouth, broke
Your teeth and she came back
Fighting, for failure is no match
For her.

I can't believe
I actually thought that

You liked talking to me
You liked having me around
You liked me being your friend

I fell for it
I fell for your tricks
I fell for your charm
I fell for you

And I'm an idiot.

Mechanically scanning her brain
For a sliver of inspiration
Where are you now
Sheltering deep inside?

Making up words and rhymes
Occasionally aesthetically appealing
Something to please the masses
Or maybe just herself

Holds onto the end
Of that thin thread
Cautiously tugs on it
Hoping it leads somewhere

Connecting her brain to her fingers,
The thread weaves a tapestry
Of words, carefully crafted
Bringing satisfaction

Maybe friends aren't the ones
Who we spend 200 days with in school

Maybe friends are the ones
Who we still talk to
Despite not seeing each other
For months

And that frightens me

out of my body
into my legs
my arms
the tips of my fingers

somewhere i won't feel it

burns through my body
setting me on fire, wild
needing to show on my skin
an etch a scratch a scar
anywhere but inside, please

love tells me no, don't
a scar hurts him more than yourself
but hate tells me to keep
going, don't stop, it's what
i deserve, all this pain

half wants it to stop
be happy, love me, but
half wants it to continue
loves the way it burns, how
it gets me the attention i crave

make it stop
please
i cant do it alone

facade stays up for
a week? a month? maybe two?
but how long before she slips
she hates she cracks
she hates she crumbles
she hates she
b        r  e         a     k  s

you're haunting me
filling my thoughts
everything i read
everything i imagine
everything
it all goes back to you
and why?
when all you do
is haunt me in my dreams
but never in reality

Be strong for those who can't
Those who couldn't find a reason
Those who couldn't take it anymore
Those who left prematurely

Find that single reason
The most powerful one that will
Keep you going on and on and on
For that could be your success

Find joy
Take heart
Be happy
Live life

Home is where the heart is
At least, that's what they say

But what if
Your heart has been
c  h  o  p  p  e  d
splintered     k
b                 o                             n
   r                            e
Into a million pieces

Each part belonging
To a different
Person, place, time

honesty. we throw it around like it's nothing
"honestly right..."
"to be honest..."
but do we really know what it's about

no one really knows what others think
of them
about them
everyone just says what the other wants to hear

we hide behind smiles and masks
of love and happiness
of sadness and fear
but there's so much more to that isn't there

your friend who smiles at you
what do they really think?
"they're weird, but i pity them"
"they're such a nice person"

that person who hates you
what do they really think?
"i wish i were like them"
"who do they think they are?"

we've lost the true meaning
of honesty, buried under
thousands of layers
of truth, of thought, of heart

You may not have someone to cuddle with
You may not have someone to give you sweet kisses
You may not have someone you can call yours
But you have someone you can confide with
But you have someone who will help you through anything
But you have someone who will love you no matter what
And I'm **** glad that's me