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Hannah Dec 2019
if i'm not alive
- i won't be here to give them so many problems
- so maybe i shouldn't be

if i'm injured
- they'll forget about all the smaller problems
- so maybe i should be

if i'm gone
- they won't suffer the bad that i've brought
- the frustration and anger
- so maybe
why are holidays always such ******* horrible times
Hannah Aug 2019
burden
disgusting
out of place
too sensitive
insecure
weak
******* idiot

no one's said it to my face, but i've said it to myself
maybe a thousand times over
words running through my head on replay
and replay
and replay
and replay
and replay

until i can't really hear anything else
i'm hurting the people i love
and i'm watching it happen
and i can't stop it

trapped and out of control
drowning in self pity, what a fool
idiot, fool, what is wrong with you

stuck
Hannah Jan 2019
Old thoughts haunting me
I messed up
I did something wrong
I wasn't enough

I should pay
I used to accept my fate
Take the defeat and revel in it
Love the pain

But now I have another voice
In my head, a reason to fight
Usually a landslide victory, easy
But tonight is different

Tonight I'm losing a battle
I didn't realise I was fighting
you've given me a reason to fight, but tonight's just hard
Hannah Dec 2018
1 in 5 will have depression

did they mean people
or
weeks in a month
days in a week
hours in a day

it's funny how people go through life not feeling this

the feeling of
wanting attention but to disappear
wanting to hurt yourself but not feel pain
**** yourself but not die
Hannah Dec 2018
i hate myself so ******* much
looking for a blade to cut my wrists open
see a thumbtack
no courage to do it
white walls around me
imagining my blood splattered all over
let's paint the town red
if i jump off now
do you think i would die
funny thing is
i dont wanna die
i just dont want anything to happen to me ever again
every good thing has a bad thing
are good things worth it then?
whats the point in being happy if
its just digging a deeper ditch for next time
new highs mean lower lows
what fun

why can't i just go back to a time
where it was normal
where i wasnt having a breakdown every week
twice a week
where i didnt complain about every ******* problem
and make such a big deal out of every small ******* thing
hurting the one i love most
making them think theyre the problem
it's all me it's always me it's always been me it'll always be me

enter: new fear
that you'll be so done with me
that you'll leave
and then everything becomes a problem
everything is my problem
everything is my fault
it's always me it's always me it's always me
i need to STOP
but how
stop feeling?
stop complaining?
cry to myself instead?
yes that'll do the trick
ill just share how i got over it
who needs attention anyway
let me shrivel up unnoticed
i shouldn't need attention
attention is stupid and im a joke
Hannah Oct 2018
too many feelings around me
like im running out of time
when my life should just be starting
feeling stressed and making mistakes
all the blame, on me
self-inflicted
i don't deserve anything
don't feel like i should
be taking care of myself
what's the point
i deserve this
why bother

it's not my fault
but it's all my fault
i don't know what to feel
so nothing it is
Hannah Sep 2018
and when we are alone with our thoughts
we are nothing more than our mistakes
been some time since ive had a breakdown like this, and the words selfish, inconsiderate, not worth it have gone through my head, but i guess it had to happen eventually
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