Growing up...
Thinking life's gonna be easy
Fun, friendship's're forever,
So what's they said

We got problems of our own
Trapped in our little bubbles
Stopped looking left or right
For help, realising we are all alone in the end

Nothin's wrong,
No need to be down own your knees
Some days when you're out of my orbit,
Meaning the funny white rabbit's chasing you to eternity
I got that, and that's okay
Just return to my side when everything's back alright
You're me friend, and my book won't let me change that

Hey, how are you today?
Eaten yet?
What's for lunch?
I'm just about to go online
I miss you...
Love you...

Do you want to be my pretend boyfriend?
Let's pretend you are mine for a while
Simulate the expressions and situations
Is this what I want?
Split my headspace for someone else but me
Another emotional burden to to ensure you're okay
A stranger...
All through but a cold hard screen...
Typed words unread...
Or left on read...
'K'...
No, I'm not 'Kay'...
Am I even real?
Are you even real?
Is this what we want?
It feels like prentend...
It feels like make believe...
Something I cannot attain,...
Or maybe I'm just naïve...
Even though we really are,
Lovers...

Hit the brake!
Hit it, quick!
We're going too fast,
Destination unknown,
We're going into a car crash,
That's well known!

We didn't just met, apparently
We're bound to be collided,
Been gaining traction
Now it's unavoided
In this autopilot
The prisoner has gone mad,
madenned

This is not going where they think it is
Hidden agenda of fate is always a surprise
A gem or a granade trap,
Or both in one
Scary nor exciting
Help ourselves, we must hit it now!

I'm learning to find my voice again
To learn that I DO have a voice,
and it's not so bad,
and it IS worth to be heard,
Too...
sans pleas,
sans promises,
you just have to believe,
I have to believe...
After all these years being silenced,
Muffled,
Belittled,
Deemed worthless,
My infantile fragile shaky volatile voice,
Now needs to
ROAR.
Hurry, we have an audience,
and yet, still, other voices to compete.
So help me, God.
You guided me here,
so please,
guide me all the way...

Blessed are the hearts,
that are pure, sweet, and naive
Who guard their innocence through hurdles of life
Not letting it be tainted,
Polluted,
Corrupted,
By manipulations and greed...
Blessed are the hearts
Whose sole indulgence are the joy of others,
Along, with, not alone
Withstand, not with temptations...

And yet curses,...
Cursed, or rather, condemned,
Condemed are those,...
Whose hearts are full of filths and self gratifications,
Who are ignorant on the sufferings of others,
In the name of "I'm jealous",
Of comfort, of ambitions,
Spitting nothing but contempt,
Showing different sides of one coin,
yet alone,
on one's face...
Them...
Shame...
For they would never know the beauty inside out,... nor peace,
nor true happiness...
Is it what you want little heart?...

Don't break my heart
'Cause I only have one
I've spent a long time keeping it,
mended it from what you've done

Now you, another person
Have it fragile as it is
Please don't break it again
'Cause I'm not sure I'll be able to fix it again this time
I'm not sure I'll find all the pieces
What a shame
I know, but this time, I'll hold it on

Yes, I do,
remember being twenty-two.

Being vapid.
Doing things stupid.
Running around without a care,
despite the scare,
still with a lot of things to spare.

And yet also on this very bed,
every night,
over naught,
agonising...
Knowing I could never do nothing,
of the future to come, powerless,
yet, all at once, fearless.

All in all, it was... confusing,...
Yet now,... old and wrinkly,... reminiscing.

Smile, pose,
flawless, poise

Let's make another picture perfect square,
Perfect for everyone to stare
I don't care what you think,
what you see, what you think,
of what you see,
As long as I can fool my memory

Even if I sink,
even when everything stinks
If I can't remember, it won't drag me down

Let's find our true love,
One and only true love,
Starting from the superficials,
Oh yes, 'cause I believe from this
we can go straight to the nuptials

It's odd if you ask me these days be,
spent more time fighting off monsters that can never be,
Exploring Neverland,
truly being Peter Pan?...

Is it still called a social interaction?
When there is no communication,
More like with the green monsters, spending quality time
all kins of them,
And in plurals,
all these digitals
...

I miss you but I don't know you
And my name would puzzle you
Yet neither rise your curiousity
Yet you're addictive to me,
This sensation, this adversity,
Sweet, like some iridescent nectar gathered by hundreds of fairies in an instant,
From some magical forest forever showered by the gentle light of the golden hour in the distant...
Albeit the bitter pain afterwards instead,
When reality take back its stead,
Who are you? I don't know
This doesn't make any sense, that I know...
But... if only I can dream a bit longer, for I have dreamed far too long, I know...
But, if there is even a tinier than a speckle of dust of possibility,
In this whole world our universe of unpredictability, please...
I'd like to make our story a reality...
Dilly dally, ***** nilly, talks of dailies,
No roses or daisies,
Just two souls walking together,
In harmony parallel, cruising in life for forever
...

There's an ache deep within my heart
An itch that cannot be scratched
Perhaps, a space that cannot be filled in
Currently occupied with anger, confusion, and pain

Nor am I clear on what I'm looking for
But every now and then, the tears do pour in a stupor
...

Is this loneliness?...
But I'm happy alone,
Always been,
happy on my own...
Is this ungratefulness?...
But what is it that is my happiness?...

...

No invitations have been yet sent
It will remain a vacant room, no one to rent
For now and a little bit longer,
... I know,... for sure..
For sure...

As bitter as it is bitter,
let's somehow keep looking for... the better...

The better...
The... better...
?
...

I never like it called six feet under
Nor stone cold or whatnot
The thought still make me shudder
But with old days comes another point

In love with life is a grand feeling
The fountain of youth everyone was looking
Closer then they think

Yet after those lonely night and days
As people part their ways
What more was there to lay

When all you knew are gone
When all that stayed were well masked with unknown intentions
Things have always been

But now,
You know
...

So perhaps all you'll want to do is closing the gates
Find your restart
For where did it start to go wrong no one knows
The disappointments are all there is
Why you drift apart are only what it should be
Perhaps somehow people choose to be lonely
In the end, it doesn't matter
We were always a part of something bigger
Perhaps someday you'd say,
"Let's rest after a long long tiring day..."

I make you my number one,
but I know I'm just your last resort,
when she's not around,
and you need some comfort...

I get it, you got back your Queen,
and you said to me, 'this is just a fling...,'
that, I'll take, being your Concubine,
'cause I'm okay, if you're the King...

There, gold leaves and crimson heart,
when you're together and you're not apart,...
And there I am, a prisoner in my own empty hearth,
clinging to my cold cup of tea, losing its warmth...

You said, 'please take care of me,
for at times I'm lonely...'
I said okay 'cause I fell for you,
'cause for me you're always too good to be true...
But deep down I ponder, who's going to take care of my heart,
by your spring... when you break it apart...?

The aftertaste dark black coffee is the taste how our relationship after it ends,
bittersweet with pungent acidity, but this one burns
Right now, standing in the beginning,
I don't know what you do, but it's blinding

Yet there's this little voice ringing,

I'm scared to write our future 'cause I know there's none
It's bleak in the midst of dust and sand
Can't see clearly and nothing's solid off the ground

So, 'let's leave darling', said little voice, 'find your way home once again'
'he's none to have unless you're looking for fun'
yet for fun how much should we amend
'wish you would peek your nothern star once again'
'and just follow it 'till the end'

Sitting in the corner looking sad in her dressing gown
Now the people away all she does is looking down
When all the party's over and the fun has all been done
The crowd has left,  just empty bottles all around

But nobody knows ... her,
nobody knows...

Looking at her feet trying to find her way on the ground
Thinking if at all she was ever needed here
If anyone can tell her for a way how she could stand,
then she would run away and gladly follow her

Nobody knows ... her,
nobody knows...

no, not like the people from down under
She'll find a way to get it over,
somehow, but for now,
She's looking in the mirror,

and, she doesn't know ... her,
no, she doesn't know...
Oh, until she finds her,
until she knows her...

someday, someday...
keep searching, for her...

I've been in more heartbreaks than I'd like to admit
but I've been running away more than I count

Meant to be lonely,
just meant to be lonely
Can't find nobody,
no I can't find nobody
I'll enjoy the silence after the party
Don't need nobody,
I don't need nobody

wee bit of innocence,
left upon the rampant
running blindly with an open shield
to find self confidence
some shred of assurance of guidance
praying you'll prey in place of the prey
...
in this world, this world,
this cruel, cruel, wild, world...

Give me all your pretences,
'cause i have no defences

Hide away your prejudices,
i've thrown all my dices

Put me on a pedestal,
'cause i like being the fake royal

All the time,...
... all the time...
That's how i'm fine,
all these times...

Let me know again how it feels to fly...
for i don't care if it's just your lie...

Pretty princesses live in pretty castles
that they built themselves
towering upon the clouds
towards their dreams and goals
nothing was by halves
Surrounded by moats
to protect what she means the most,
a prized possesion,
of a heart of gold and diamonds
Keep the enemies' attackers away,
trap them at bay
Away from where she kept her high-esteem, rightly so
guarded, for her one and only S.O....

Let there be lightings, thunders, and fire when we meet
So that we can see our faces clearly
So I can see your every scar, and you can see mine
So that we are used to each other's voices
and fire
and heat
Let the grounds be wet with the pouring rain of tears that follows
so that the soil would be damp enough for the flowers to grow upon,
and fertile enough,
for the seeds and our communion, fruits of thoughts
Thereupon, let me choose to stay, or sail away
But with the thought that we know we can weather future storms,
or for the clear skies that follows,
or any other weathers we couldn't fathom.

finding fake joy in little lies
finding fake self worth in some shoes
new branded item
no one looks up on you for them
just wait 'til the mud tear them down
tell me who what do you see when you look into the mirror
is it someone you like?
is it someone you wanted to be?
the kid in you says hi to me
asking you to grow up so that he can too
to face the real world
like a real man should
armed with ammunition
that is real self-confidence
stemming firmly on the ground of wisdom
not fake accessories and marketing gimmicks
clink another glass
because that's how you face your problems
pout another story
for your non-existent friends to tell
inflated self image inflated ego
who you gonna fool with your little bell

Small hands with its deep small palm lines
Watching you grow
Inside out
Small hands as in the womb they first folded
Small hopes, small fists
I watched you grew up, you watched me grew

Small hands, layers of fat
Lines perfectly aligned, perfectly etched
When the soul inside felt too big for the body
When the soul inside wanted to break free
When the soul inside wanted to cover the whole world in its palms
Within the small hands,
that's what the soul inside thought

Small hands fine wrinkles
Find solace in moistures
In the midsts of convoluting mist of daily life

You watched me grew up, when did you grew up?
Small hands,
'til you find another ones to hold,
going through every single wrinkle fold...
I'll hold you up

I've exhausted all methods of wasting time
swollen whole by ethos gone by
My heart has grown cold of waiting
snubbed, with overgrown shrubs
It has forgotten the warm embraces
the birds chirping
that a new love can bring
it has forgotten how to love, the exictements
as with sorrow it exits from every broken commitment
Can old memories be retrieved?
Once the right key keeper appears
Finder's keeper, I'd concur
I grew tired of wishing,
and I've mastered the art of walking alone
So I'd keep on treading as I trod
I would need no one's hand to hold,
but my own
Getting over with all the yearning,
now just laughing with what the world brings

In another dimension,
I would've sooner learned humility,
and since then
we would've been together...,
right after high school, that summer...
Married at twenty-seven,
a year later our first born...
reciprocated those adoring gazes,
reciprocated those adoring eyes...
Instead remembering you looking forlorn...

But so life is not a fiction,...
here in this reality
I denied your knocking heart a long time ago
said never for a life time, and here we go
I told you a lie just to let you go,
so you believed me and you live by that lie
you tell a lie too and you said to let me fly
So hurt or not, your heart is set in stone
to move away from me
So it be...

And in another dimension
a maybe, ...
just not in this reality
...

Engulfed in emotions
Everything's a blur with tears
Silly old hopes
Silly old misinterpretations
of generic pleasantries
and politeness
expressed into something more
Let the water flow through the creak,
over the hurdling stones,
let my thoughts move on from this day
Charging forwards leaving your stone behind
Adieu!

I'm as lost as ever as confused as ever and as scared as ever
As lonely as ever with a little less hope
You are my strength, You are my guide
Yet sometimes it feels like I need to talk to myself more when I'm talking to You

Me without You, me with You
I miss You dearly when we're in silence
Yet in silence sometimes I feel your presence more
Because sometimes believing in You is like believing in me too
Love is difficult and puzzling
I'm as puzzled as ever with a little less belief in me
If You are my saviour, come save me
If there's something to tell me tell me now
Where do you want me to be
What do you want me to be
Please don't leave me hanging too like they do,
tell me who else would love but You
You are my only one and that's so true

Ridden with mud and dirt
From the flow of feelings
and tears
To the minds
of the unknowns
Begging to be understood

Usually I like my hands clean
But I want to dive in
For you
In that world
with you
Ridden with mud and dirt
Scars and handicaps
of feelings
told, untold,
a rollercoaster
our ride together

I just want to know you better
Let me know you better

does my scent turn you to sweet delusions
does the thought sight leaves you that much impact
when we're all old and cold and shriveled
yet none the wiser
when all sense of butterflies and curiosities have burned at both ends
what still stands?

but have you ever been lost in my mind labyrinth
or be deprived, longing for its wonders
have the thought of sharing the things that we like,
be your only mettle that drives you for the day
have my words ever been your sole comfort and fun source
would you stay, just because

If your love is only skin deep then how do we take a dip
we're bound to be hurt by the reflections that don't exist
grapling at each other
longing for something we both cannot alter

because what you see I cannot forever guarantee
but my heart will be always open for you to take flee
just... are you the one
or should I put you down

I don't feel much
I don't remember much
I don't bask in sentiments
or think too much of sentients...

but certain objects do linger on...
some I keep boxed in preciously
bejewelled and polished

the smell of your skin
rubbing against mine
my scent on your shirt
carried by the cold night air
the touch of your hair
soft, comforting...
the warmth of your embrace

how many years ago was it now?...

When Mumma's gone,
no one would try to understand you sadly
voluntarily,
no one would bother with how you'd feel,
so take good care of yourself
'cause else no one will ever will...
they'll fit you into their own motive,
so you navigate quickly,
and play them in instead,
don't fall for it...
doesn't mean you're wrong,
doesn't mean you're always right
I won't be there to tell you
but I'll watch you silently no worries,
'cause you're forever partly mine...
...
--no one would go comfort you,
when you feel wronged,
when the world doesn't go your way,
no one would nudge it to spin for you...
no one to rely on,
no one to go to,
no one to shelter you,
no one ready to defend,
...
but my wisdom is with you,
a ready made weapon any day...
for you to move on,
for you to go on...
and pass it on...
'cause you know I do
Love you
and I keep my words true

Same old bed
Same old mess
Same old self,
same old, same old
...

Different time
Different expectation
Different people
Different connection
...

Trapped in the possessed power of the passed
memories
Those, who never asked
to

Different world
Different place
Unfamiliar stuff

Ahead of time
Out of rhyme
No one to blame

Aging on,
Here's your stick to find your path
in the dark
Shuffle on,
travel on
...

want to find you more in my memories
Little trinkets of dusty pieces
as how they come,
You're the buried gem

Would you reply
if I
say "hi..."?
On this day,
which just happened to be
--Valentine's day...
No, I don't want to say the greeting,
or to ask you to roll in the occassion...
Or to make the event a play,
plotting you into my ploy,
Dear me, no... never that daunting...
never to lead you on...
I just...
have been missing you...
like sedated...
afloat mid-air, --levitated...!
Ever since I met you,
yes, that  meaningless banter,
you stole my heart and I want it back,
so that I can give it to someone new,
...
or else you'll keep me forever,
in this aimless,
foolish...
insatiable, endless,
thoughts of you...

Been thinking of you...
It just happened to be
this Valentine's Day...
--...

To hide from the world
and not tell a single soul
and not one single accompaniment
and not one single self but my own
And that's fine,
for its soil is the richest to my needs
for its songs are all I can sing...
Not to tell anyone,
not to be found by anyone,...
not to update anyone...
Not to be cared by no one...
Where peace lies, unearthed, unshattered,
and happiness is simple on its own
...

Bright and lovely
and exciting!
Then time passes
and the colours seemingly lose their excitements
all done and licked
tried and tempted
What's new?
Then some are darker than others,
all shadowing and dull
Then you'd wonder are they the true colours
But, they're not
Shine and polish
your mind
the colours are the same
Just pick up your stained glass from your pocket
and you'll see the colours you choose
Bright, colourful, ... and excited!
As they once were to you
As they have always been...

This is the life you chose
is it lonely up there little star?
clinging on your little bursts of laughter
of the people who drifts in and away like the wind
magnetic
offering rides to those who accepts
but
it's the loneliness you chose
using and discarding what goes and not your ways
everyone is a resource
who knows the depths of your soul?
I doubt even you do...
so stop complaining
because what you want is not companion
not even yourself your whole life can satisfy your longing
there's not one to blame
there's not a point to look
because you're not looking,
you're running and you know it
leaving everyone behind
chatterer, the moment's stranger, that's what you do
but it's nice isn't it, little star?
that's what you'd call success?...

On a day like this,
don't hate me because I showed you my true self,
but do stay because you truly care
On a day like this,
please don't run away if I'm not being sugary sweet,
because not all other flavours but are poisonous
On a day like this,
I cannot think for myself
and I'm too tired to defend anything at all
So carry me in your pocket,
I'll be your little genie
Just don't make use of me
Because I truly love you dearly

In my world of blacks and grays
you're my only burst of colours
you're my only source of light
shining so brilliantly bright...
amongst the shadow mines
devised, conjured up by my own mind...
You, are the ladder to my sanity
out of this pit of black hole
So if i never told you so, i'm sorry
but i'm thankful... i'm thankful...

"Karen, her name's Karen!"*
whispered one to the other,
grinning...
Those married men...
That new intern...

So...
what about loyalty?
what about pride?
what about honour?
what about when you said you'll only have your eyes on me?
what about when you say "you're my one and only"?
gone?
plain old lies?
"They remain...
Just in the name of having fun...
Just appreciating..."
Just asking...

So...
--what about feelings?
what about respect?
what about honesty?
what about "no more lies"?
what about trust?
companion?
"Nothing serious...
my heart still belongs to you,
you're the only one I'll come home to"...
But about loyalty?
Honour? Mine?
Respect?
What about... the rest?...
Just asking...
in the name of FUN...

In the old grand Cathedral
Down by the City Hall
Across the buzzing lively street
The place where we'd meet

Birds chirping signifying the new day...
My new dawn with you
Until the break of dawn...

Then balloons, --big white balloons across the sky...
A magnificent view
In the shimmering glistening sun,
the cooling breezy wind,
The crisp autumn air...
Laughters and cheer,
--those wedding bells!
Do you hear those beautiful tower bells?...
My billowing gown...
And doves, --doves flapping their wings...! Up and beyond,
gazing to the future...

...

I wish we're getting married today...

...

But we're not,...
You left me months ago...
and now my mind draws blank,
for another one to fill,
an empty space where your arm used to link mine,
as how we should've walk...
... the aisle, ...
under the stares of our beloved...

And you're not coming back, I know...
Stilll I wish, I wish, that were getting married today...

It's not the promise you break,
but it's my heart and soul you do break...

They say what belongs to you would find its own way back to you,
eventually, somehow...
Only they know...

You threw me once,
did you expect me to come back to you?...
....
So I let you go once,
would you ever find your way back to me?

Were you testing me? Somehow...
Were you testing our fates...
the one you held within your palms...?

I can't help but pondered...
If come back this time, would we fall on the same ground?...
Or will we break when we're collided?...

Only they know...
Only those who've known would know...

Heard you're with someone new now...
I should've known,... I should've known...
You'd never left your heart cool for so long...
In the name of avoiding loneliness, avoiding the longing...
Had always been a fling,
but this time would it be your eternal song?
Or just another song?...
I dare not to ask, I wouldn't want to know...
Only my fool would believe you're still my one and only, my own...
...

And so I've been told...
And so I'll keep my heart cold...
'Cause it's the only one I can hold,
my pride and dignity...
The only key to my sanity...
...

You were never mine
I was very way too late at hello
Yes, I know,...
I am just another season,
I might will just be,
in your long strings of goodbyes, aren't I?
We might never be,
but your scent is too a sweet felony...
haunting me astray
keeping me in this yours truly imaginary fray
Why do I want you, the trap of the desire
Reeled in by your beauty, the **** liar...
I know I am not the only one
She detained your heart,
and you never ask back for it...
I wish you say you need me,
but I would never have your history
I know...
So, no need to say sorry
Fate was never on my side on this, I might just meant to be lonely...

I'm lost...
all rust and lost...
Fleeting around to nowhere
Perhaps some things are worth fighting for
Would you be my saviour?
My tower light?
Lead me the way to hapiness,
save me from this nothingness
All my friends seem to have found something,
something they settle down with,
contented with nevertheless...
I am but a fling
Where should I go forthwith?
...
I'm so lost,
afloat and light,
exhausted the exhaust...
all black smokes and frost...

I'm jealous
Greed monster jealous
So so green with jealousy
Emerald green sea of jealousy
There's not even a point
To hide it
Over one little petty thing, where you stayed with her forever
Happily ever after
He looks like Prince Charming and I look no Cinder
Before I know it we we just cinder...
Feel the rush feel the heat
Should calm down where's there's none to beat...
You chose to stay true,
so I guess she's lucky to have you
Worry not, I'll leave as I'm no witch,
and I won't let you switch ...
Even though my heart is broken in two,
but isn't that what the bad characters always do?
I'll take both pieces and leave none for you...
So I wish you be happy you two...

Your smell particles,
the
air
I breathe
The drug I need,
the endorphin I need...

Simply missing your presence,...
--how you said you loved me,
your warmth,
your gentleness,...
-- and the consciousness that you're there, ...

... Even though not in person ...

As I spread my arms for your voice...
Silence answered me, ...
Nothingness whispered he's here...
--a sole hero walking against the desert scorching sun...

Now the roses you gave me had withered and died...--
As how you felt towards me...
Nurtured, then cut off to whiter and dry ...

Unspoken words behind your tightly clasped lips,
the embers in your eyes betrayed you, dear ...
Cold
As
snow,
Not as pure
Murky as ridden by dirt...

You are another trinket,...
I close the chest of your shadow...
I'd never cut your wings,
so there, off you go,... --off with the stream,...

... cascading into nothingness ...