came to visit me again last night
seeping in when i was half asleep
embracing me from the inside
keeping me awake in his presence
he's not a friend
nor a foe
we solely co-exist
then i should probably get accustomed to his presence
regardless how queasy and uneasy he makes me feel
how he makes i small
probably he cares about me
i just need to
     stop
         him
           *******
Stop.

finding fake joy in little lies
finding fake self worth in some shoes
new branded item
no one looks up on you for them
just wait 'til the mud tear them down
tell me who what do you see when you look into the mirror
is it someone you like?
is it someone you wanted to be?
the kid in you says hi to me
asking you to grow up so that he can too
to face the real world
like a real man should
armed with ammunition
that is real self-confidence
stemming firmly on the ground of wisdom
not fake accessories and marketing gimmicks
clink another glass
because that's how you face your problems
pout another story
for your non-existent friends to tell
inflated self image inflated ego
who you gonna fool with your little bell

Your smell particles,
the
air
I breathe
The drug I need,
the endorphin I need...

Simply missing your presence,...
--how you said you loved me,
your warmth,
your gentleness,...
-- and the consciousness that you're there, ...

... Even though not in person ...

As I spread my arms for your voice...
Silence answered me, ...
Nothingness whispered he's here...
--a sole hero walking against the desert scorching sun...

Now the roses you gave me had withered and died...--
As how you felt towards me...
Nurtured, then cut off to whiter and dry ...

Unspoken words behind your tightly clasped lips,
the embers in your eyes betrayed you, dear ...
Cold
As
snow,
Not as pure
Murky as ridden by dirt...

You are another trinket,...
I close the chest of your shadow...
I'd never cut your wings,
so there, off you go,... --off with the stream,...

... cascading into nothingness ...

Smile, pose,
flawless, poise

Let's make another picture perfect square,
Perfect for everyone to stare
I don't care what you think,
what you see, what you think,
of what you see,
As long as I can fool my memory

Even if I sink,
even when everything stinks
If I can't remember, it won't drag me down

Let's find our true love,
One and only true love,
Starting from the superficials,
Oh yes, 'cause I believe from this
we can go straight to the nuptials

It's odd if you ask me these days be,
spent more time fighting off monsters that can never be,
Exploring Neverland,
truly being Peter Pan?...

Is it still called a social interaction?
When there is no communication,
More like with the green monsters, spending quality time
all kins of them,
And in plurals,
all these digitals
...

Oh, the price to pay to be slightly different!
To slightly walk towards a different direction from the crowd
How weary it is to go slightly against conformity!
How dreary it is to go along with conformity!
The conformance that often confines one's own creativity
The solitude that goes along in breaking free
Stemming from general envy
Of a life run free

These people, whom I know as much as I know me,
As I fill my days with their shiny lives and parades,
But they're not mine,...
Some picture-perfect lies...
There lies mine,...
trampled,
abandoned,
begging to be remembered,
begging to be cared ...
I don't know me,
I don't know my story...
And as I bask in their glory,
The one grasping for help is me,
As I follow them away...
As I walk away from me,
Only with what makes them h a p p y ...
Because it was easy,...
Too easy....

Engulfed in emotions
Everything's a blur with tears
Silly old hopes
Silly old misinterpretations
of generic pleasantries
and politeness
expressed into something more
Let the water flow through the creak,
over the hurdling stones,
let my thoughts move on from this day
Charging forwards leaving your stone behind
Adieu!

As I never cared for shiny objects.
until I felt I lost mine,
Illumination,
What feels like in a sudden,
There are so many from them,
Those people,
covered in gold and diamonds,
shining away from their high pedestals,
Stunning, ... captivating,...
I sat there in silence,
admiring from afar,
and once in a while when they come down from their higher ground,
I follow them around, --
I follow them around, ...
My existence is a wish of theirs,
wispy and feeble,...
...
There is a beggar on the ground,
begging for a second chance,
trampled and forgotten,
I don't know her,
I don't know her story,
As much as I know these sparkles,
they can't be the same kind...
Boring and uninteresting,...
So I scold at her,
ignored her,
as mine and me alone gasp for my care,...
Too easy...
Because it was too easy...

Whatever bad day I have,
Somehow after I meet you,
I'd lean to forget,...

Every night,
You'd wash them away,
Like the wave,
To the sands on the shore,

You,
To my memory...
Somehow, you ease...
You distance...

The days when I lose you are the worst days ever
You'd be cruel to keep with you the ruddiness out from me
And I'd walk like a failing zombie
Failing from my own self, running for cover

Seems like I need you...
Seems like I'd need to love you...
O Sleep...

There's an ache deep within my heart
An itch that cannot be scratched
Perhaps, a space that cannot be filled in
Currently occupied with anger, confusion, and pain

Nor am I clear on what I'm looking for
But every now and then, the tears do pour in a stupor
...

Is this loneliness?...
But I'm happy alone,
Always been,
happy on my own...
Is this ungratefulness?...
But what is it that is my happiness?...

...

No invitations have been yet sent
It will remain a vacant room, no one to rent
For now and a little bit longer,
... I know,... for sure..
For sure...

As bitter as it is bitter,
let's somehow keep looking for... the better...

The better...
The... better...
?
...

I weep for those broken dreams,
for those shot straight down by self doubts,
for self confidence or the lack of thereof

I weep
I weep for the time passed unused, questioning one's abilities,
instead of letting them flourish,
practicing and learning,

I weep
I weep for those times when that 'no' at first knock put as 'NO' for ever

I weep for those souls who feel too old,
too small,
too young,
too worthless,
too dumb,
too short,
too many things in the face of their dreams

As those glorified self image seems shattered and stupid
We are all the same
no better one than the other
Comparisons are futile
the only bars are the ones from within
The only way is inside out
help each other out
one step at a time
then
WE.ARE.GOOD
always

You are ashes and bones to me
just so you know
Sorry, but my self-protection dragon must set you ablaze
Sent you off and away
Don't you know I move on to a different land?
It's not all castles walls and guards now
I'm all free!
Free as can be!
I'll mingle,
mingle and laugh happily...!
She released me from your shackles,
for the sake of my sanity
There might not be a knight...
Neither in shining armours,
nor galloping in on any horse or phegasus...
Nor am I my own hero,
or learned to fight for my own...
But my dragon,
she'll swoop me flying to places--
She'll keep on protecting me
Showing places we could never ventured,
you and me ...
And that's okay
Because she'll protect me,
and I will always be save
So I'll fly,
Goodbye, my love ...
In this imaginary grave,
I'll store your memory
Until I'm ready...
At least for now,
You never are, never was, and *never will be

Despair is an old company
In lighter days he’s the shadow overcasting every object
In darker days he’s the strongest
Strangling and suffocating
Clouding all reasons for treason

Was he born with me,
I always think he lived this world long before I did
How he found me how I wish he never did

Despair is an old felony
He lived longer than any of us, and he will live longer than any of us
To love him is unutterable
But to let him linger or to let him pass for another time
That might be a way

They say what belongs to you would find its own way back to you,
eventually, somehow...
Only they know...

You threw me once,
did you expect me to come back to you?...
....
So I let you go once,
would you ever find your way back to me?

Were you testing me? Somehow...
Were you testing our fates...
the one you held within your palms...?

I can't help but pondered...
If come back this time, would we fall on the same ground?...
Or will we break when we're collided?...

Only they know...
Only those who've known would know...

Heard you're with someone new now...
I should've known,... I should've known...
You'd never left your heart cool for so long...
In the name of avoiding loneliness, avoiding the longing...
Had always been a fling,
but this time would it be your eternal song?
Or just another song?...
I dare not to ask, I wouldn't want to know...
Only my fool would believe you're still my one and only, my own...
...

And so I've been told...
And so I'll keep my heart cold...
'Cause it's the only one I can hold,
my pride and dignity...
The only key to my sanity...
...

To find somewhere I feel I belong
Someone to connect with
Without pretences
Without hidden motives
Without prejudices

Someone to share,
someone who cares

Some place peaceful and nice
Cozy and warm
Like their welcoming open arms

In a patch of this world
Real or surreal

Please don't say you'll love me forever,
only to console,
only to make me smile,
We'll only make it linger,
and I'll only be naive to believe...
and make all my decisions around that premise...
And you'll only break my heart,
and you'll seem to break your words,
because to you it wasn't a promise...
only a statement,
a spur of the moment...
But by all means, please do so in the quietest to your own heart,
when I'm not there,
where I'm not there
Because I don't ever need to hear it,
all that matters is that IF, you'll stay...
or you'll stray...

I miss you but I don't know you
And my name would puzzle you
Yet neither rise your curiousity
Yet you're addictive to me,
This sensation, this adversity,
Sweet, like some iridescent nectar gathered by hundreds of fairies in an instant,
From some magical forest forever showered by the gentle light of the golden hour in the distant...
Albeit the bitter pain afterwards instead,
When reality take back its stead,
Who are you? I don't know
This doesn't make any sense, that I know...
But... if only I can dream a bit longer, for I have dreamed far too long, I know...
But, if there is even a tinier than a speckle of dust of possibility,
In this whole world our universe of unpredictability, please...
I'd like to make our story a reality...
Dilly dally, ***** nilly, talks of dailies,
No roses or daisies,
Just two souls walking together,
In harmony parallel, cruising in life for forever
...

Your old body probably with a young soul
We're not so different you and me,
perhaps,
as I think I start to know how it feels,
clinging to the glory of the fountain of youth.
Yet what should be imparted wisdom doesn't come naturally,
it doesn't come certainly,
certainly doesn't come through your disapproving glances,
or through your continuous effort to invalidate the youngers.
Probably we're not so different you and me,
as I think I start to know the temptation,
the temptation of void self glorification,
a route I think created by the pestering need of self validation,
Yet I don't think I'd choose what you choose,
as much I would think I'm capable of,
I'd choose to learn,
rather than opposing the newborns

Someday you'd ask me
in between the fine lines etched on your face
the fine lines in between good and evil
Someday you'd ask me,
on how people can be so crass,
how the world works and where do you stand in it...
So let me tell you before you ask...
...
Close your eyes, darling
turn your head away from all the bitterness of this world
Close your eyes darling,
from all the twisted minds, the turns and ***** tricks of it
Close your eyes darling,
from its dark secrets and its inhabitants'...
That's where the fountain of youth's at...
Look no further,
just close tour eyes, darling...
This world might be cruel and spiteful at times, but so shouldn't you be...
No...
I do not wish you to choose,
although the choices are yours,
I would say naivety is not a sin,
a naivety is innocence
I would never ask you to participate
Although and if this world is cold,
I wish you to withstand it,
because more than the beauty they see
is the core of beauty inside you
and that is what I wish you to hold...
Remember what you've been told...

Yes, I do,
remember being twenty-two.

Being vapid.
Doing things stupid.
Running around without a care,
despite the scare,
still with a lot of things to spare.

And yet also on this very bed,
every night,
over naught,
agonising...
Knowing I could never do nothing,
of the future to come, powerless,
yet, all at once, fearless.

All in all, it was... confusing,...
Yet now,... old and wrinkly,... reminiscing.

I'm as lost as ever as confused as ever and as scared as ever
As lonely as ever with a little less hope
You are my strength, You are my guide
Yet sometimes it feels like I need to talk to myself more when I'm talking to You

Me without You, me with You
I miss You dearly when we're in silence
Yet in silence sometimes I feel your presence more
Because sometimes believing in You is like believing in me too
Love is difficult and puzzling
I'm as puzzled as ever with a little less belief in me
If You are my saviour, come save me
If there's something to tell me tell me now
Where do you want me to be
What do you want me to be
Please don't leave me hanging too like they do,
tell me who else would love but You
You are my only one and that's so true

and then you recluse...

to a side of you i'm not invited to
to a part of you i have no presence in

pars pro toto
you took bits of me that you dislike
totem pro parte
and blame other parts of me based on the faux whole 'me' that you created

when you think you need it
when you feel you need to stand your ground

using 'me'
against me

as you choose to exclude yourself from the picture...

everything in this life comes with an expiry date
most are far shorter than life itself

what are we without governing principles and morals
but mere primal

marry a cow!
we're all the same!

what's the point of winning
you're losing the millisecond you react to share your hurting feelings

i wish we can talk...
or wave goodbye in plain grassy field...
or probably, ... sit solemnly side by side in acknowledgment...

as the genesis of our days is long past...
as there never was needed any conclusion

Romance is when you sit by me,
and not saying anything,
when your presence is enough,
when your warmth fills my thoughts,
comforting, and understanding,
Romance is when our minds meet,
through the voice that is silence,
stringed together tightly with mutual trust,
Romance is not the roses you bought me,
or found in your passionate kisses,
although the thoughts really do count,
and I'm more than flattered,
and sincerely grateful to you,
and will forever try to reciprocate the same,
to express, in the hope that you will understand,
should that be your way to understand,...
But in all honesty,...
I found,...
nothing is more romantic,
than when you share your solitude with me,
when we share our utter solitudes,
together

Blanket me, o night,
Cover me with your soothing cool breeze,
Embrace me with your serene darkness

When all the world is at its quietest,
Take all my worries and replace them with dreams
Cradle me with your tranquility
Let me float in nothingness until the golden sun gentle touch

Blanket me, o night,
You who understands me most
We who understand each other in quietude

I dreamed of you,
you and your glorious spirit,
infectious and dangerous

I dreamed of you who is not mine,
of our times archived,
distant as if long lost and forgotten

I dreamed of you and our strong ties,
as if we're still together,
and times are easy

I dreamed of you and I long for you
as much as dreams don't make sense
feelings are true yet they deceive often
Wishes are only wishes,
I know

Not today,
for these 24 hours I will wallow in my memories of you,
of our odd encounters
basking in my sentiments,
before you leave again
just like I did before

'Qu'est-ce-que tu veux ... ?'
and there goes the spiral of time,
endless rabbit hole of time,
lost in the space-time-continuum...
Animated but staying,
existing but inanimate...

These things that people do,
things that then they'd think'd define them,
there're so many things to do,
I kind of just want to float amongst them...

What do I want ...
What do you want?

Is it any worth of questioning at all?
For the time wasted thinking but not knowing,
not deciding,
or choosing, or even preferring,
just taking all in in a blasé observation...

Let's sleep
Let's get out of this world
Let's forget this array of beings who hurt your pride
Let's shout our names loud and brave
In a new land where hope remains
Where there's no one but us...
Not one but us...
You and me as one...
With our thoughts and minds...
Let's leave
Let's get out
Now...
Time is imminent...
But we can make it through...
We'll smile again,
Whatever they are made of, they are not you and me...
Let's create our own world...
A place we want to stay...
Come...
Take my lead...
Come follow...

--...

I miss you...
Don't you miss me too?...
Come, let's find each other again...
Take my lead...
Come follow...

I said, "I want to believe you...
but should I do?..." ...

Give me all your pretences,
'cause i have no defences

Hide away your prejudices,
i've thrown all my dices

Put me on a pedestal,
'cause i like being the fake royal

All the time,...
... all the time...
That's how i'm fine,
all these times...

Let me know again how it feels to fly...
for i don't care if it's just your lie...

He's embarrassed
His ears are always flustered when he is so

He laughed
Reminded me of the time passed
Yet he looked happier today
I can't be happier

Shouldn't bother
Yet memories linger
Although hopes fade
And expectations are forgotten
Care chose to stay

I shouldn't bother

When all my goals and wishes have run out

and all that matters are yours and only yours...


I want you to feel good about yourself

Each time you fall, each time you feel any regret
...


Goodness, so help me...

the roaring lion inside
reduced to timid ash
***** sheets and empty hearts
calling out from the desert
fata morgana?
a call from the past...
if you were a cube on the sand,
with the hot desert wind
cooling
down
all
hopes
of reconciliation
a ghost of the past
that's what you've become
you chose to be

fly away you falcon,
find another prey
i'll hide until you come back
an illusion of being

tell me tales of love
not of lust
not of passionate embraces
but of foolish deeds
tell me tales of love
which warms the soul
of selfless endavours
engraved with honesty
tell me tales of love
entwined souls
masked with grandiose
inebriated minds
a time-old tale
only time will tell
only time will witness
do, ... tell me tales of love

The future is calling out my name
Telling me to proceed with caution
one step at a time
and he tells me he'll take me there
But here I stand still
Would you believe every tale he tells?
No, I said I prefer
To march alone
Less ones to blame
But then, gone are the euphoria
Not a sentiment calmer
Laying low in my own lies
Because the taste of nostalgia
is sweeter
than a thousand delicacies

To hide from the world
and not tell a single soul
and not one single accompaniment
and not one single self but my own
And that's fine,
for its soil is the richest to my needs
for its songs are all I can sing...
Not to tell anyone,
not to be found by anyone,...
not to update anyone...
Not to be cared by no one...
Where peace lies, unearthed, unshattered,
and happiness is simple on its own
...

Blessed are the hearts,
that are pure, sweet, and naive
Who guard their innocence through hurdles of life
Not letting it be tainted,
Polluted,
Corrupted,
By manipulations and greed...
Blessed are the hearts
Whose sole indulgence are the joy of others,
Along, with, not alone
Withstand, not with temptations...

And yet curses,...
Cursed, or rather, condemned,
Condemed are those,...
Whose hearts are full of filths and self gratifications,
Who are ignorant on the sufferings of others,
In the name of "I'm jealous",
Of comfort, of ambitions,
Spitting nothing but contempt,
Showing different sides of one coin,
yet alone,
on one's face...
Them...
Shame...
For they would never know the beauty inside out,... nor peace,
nor true happiness...
Is it what you want little heart?...

Am I blue enough for you?
fallen cold feet in your hot water
has my heart been bruised enough for you?
pounded by your harrowing silence and skyscraping fortress which I cannot crawl into...

These four walls have become a better companion than the ghost of you
They echo my words so that I am less lonely
In a world that I would build someday without you
I would no longer falter into your decoy...

so i locked the door and let you fully entrap me,
and threw out the key,
because it's too easy....

but truly,...
day by day,
please, why should you tell only lie?
to me...
such my lonely cry...

but now i know,...
i have to just wake up and go!
get out there!
close my heart and live free
that's the only way you'd let me flee...

Would you reply
if I
say "hi..."?
On this day,
which just happened to be
--Valentine's day...
No, I don't want to say the greeting,
or to ask you to roll in the occassion...
Or to make the event a play,
plotting you into my ploy,
Dear me, no... never that daunting...
never to lead you on...
I just...
have been missing you...
like sedated...
afloat mid-air, --levitated...!
Ever since I met you,
yes, that  meaningless banter,
you stole my heart and I want it back,
so that I can give it to someone new,
...
or else you'll keep me forever,
in this aimless,
foolish...
insatiable, endless,
thoughts of you...

Been thinking of you...
It just happened to be
this Valentine's Day...
--...

I don't feel much
I don't remember much
I don't bask in sentiments
or think too much of sentients...

but certain objects do linger on...
some I keep boxed in preciously
bejewelled and polished

the smell of your skin
rubbing against mine
my scent on your shirt
carried by the cold night air
the touch of your hair
soft, comforting...
the warmth of your embrace

how many years ago was it now?...

Don't break my heart
'Cause I only have one
I've spent a long time keeping it,
mended it from what you've done

Now you, another person
Have it fragile as it is
Please don't break it again
'Cause I'm not sure I'll be able to fix it again this time
I'm not sure I'll find all the pieces
What a shame
I know, but this time, I'll hold it on

In the old grand Cathedral
Down by the City Hall
Across the buzzing lively street
The place where we'd meet

Birds chirping signifying the new day...
My new dawn with you
Until the break of dawn...

Then balloons, --big white balloons across the sky...
A magnificent view
In the shimmering glistening sun,
the cooling breezy wind,
The crisp autumn air...
Laughters and cheer,
--those wedding bells!
Do you hear those beautiful tower bells?...
My billowing gown...
And doves, --doves flapping their wings...! Up and beyond,
gazing to the future...

...

I wish we're getting married today...

...

But we're not,...
You left me months ago...
and now my mind draws blank,
for another one to fill,
an empty space where your arm used to link mine,
as how we should've walk...
... the aisle, ...
under the stares of our beloved...

And you're not coming back, I know...
Stilll I wish, I wish, that were getting married today...

It's not the promise you break,
but it's my heart and soul you do break...

my juvenile being,
your calming presence
not to be attached to you the whole time,
worry not, ...
as I'm perfectly fine in finding my own hapiness
...
but when we're together
you balance me out...
you're the ground under my seesaw
you bounce me back,
yet you'll always catch me when I fall

no words can seem to express my gratitude...
but if you will,...
please do take these sentiments...
if you may,...
just to acknowledge them,
as please don't resent them...
as i don't need any reprocications
as what we are now is all I need

We never was and I don't want to start now
Knowing you are fine is more than enough for me
Please stay behind closed doors,
the safe zone that I know...

I wish you well but i'm not ready to begin,--
I will never be ready...

She called me up and said you want to say hi
I said okay but deep down I didn't
Now it's a week over and I'm in that time,
when I seem to meet you everywhere,
...a familiar face

It's just a time I know it will through
But I do wonder,...
do you still remember me so?  ...

Time has changed,
your endeavours went well
As it has always been,...
And me here,
stay sitting on the fence,
overlooking your grass...

"Karen, her name's Karen!"*
whispered one to the other,
grinning...
Those married men...
That new intern...

So...
what about loyalty?
what about pride?
what about honour?
what about when you said you'll only have your eyes on me?
what about when you say "you're my one and only"?
gone?
plain old lies?
"They remain...
Just in the name of having fun...
Just appreciating..."
Just asking...

So...
--what about feelings?
what about respect?
what about honesty?
what about "no more lies"?
what about trust?
companion?
"Nothing serious...
my heart still belongs to you,
you're the only one I'll come home to"...
But about loyalty?
Honour? Mine?
Respect?
What about... the rest?...
Just asking...
in the name of FUN...

Twig by twig,
living a hollow,
dreaming a nest for the nestlings...
Chirpy screeching voices,
like lullaby to her ears
Awakening her sole purpose
A mother as well as a father figure
To protect
Nothing is too much
She'd feed herself to the tiger if she must
...
Breaking of a new dawn
another day to break
Until her nestlings can leave her nest
But never...
ever...
even so...
They are her own little royals,
forever ...
the only rulers of her life...