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Ana S Apr 2016
So this isn't really a poem more of a short story about my day yesterday.

I was in school, color guard, to be more specific. We were talking about up coming color guards and who's going to be on them. I already knew I was failing math and was just going to text gwenyth later, I was hoping nobody noticed that I wasn't raising my hand to be in colorguards. I kinda floated o the back behind everyone. Also because I don't like a few people on colorguard and I'm extremely shy around the rest. a certain person on Cg makes me feel extremely unconfortable and annoys me a lot. She always has to be pushing people and telling people stuff. She irritates me a lot. At the beginning of the year she told someone something that I wish I hadn't told her and ****** up stuff between me and another chick. Now I can barely even talk to this chick. I just kinda want to punch her in the face. She is always pushing me around and hugging on me and bossing me around. She can be okay sometimes but really annoying.
   So we were all talking, then gwenyth looked at me... "What about you? Do u want to be on any colorguards?" I looked at her and shook my head.
I felt the walls begin closing in and thought I was going to have to just walk out of there because I thought a panic attack was about to grab me. "Just breath" I repeated in my head, "your not going to break that easy. What are you talking about you already are broken..." I looked up from the ground and caught one girl from Cg looking at me. She is one of the few people on Cg I trust. Her, gwenyth, another girl, and another boy are the only people I trust. The rest are freshman and freshman are hard to trust. I met the girl's glance then looked away. For some reason I find her extremely hard to be around because she is just unbelievably amazing. Idk how to explain it. She's like a poison darth frog, in the best way... In case this ever gets back to her. She is completly beautiful but people tell me not to like her, but I refuse to judge her based on someone else's words. She is nice to me and takes time to actually have conversations with me so she's good in my book. She will remain that way until I have a legit reason to not like her.
   I continued to think to myself and just stayed calm. Then thank god class was over. I began to walk out of the school on my way home. Gwenyth was standing by the door and looked at me, "Hey! Swaim! Are you okay today?" I looked at her and practically meowed. Feeling like a complete idiot I walked away. I put my hood on a earphones in turning them up all the way. So what if I go deaf... I walked through the parking lot with the wind blowing against me. I looked at the grey world so dark. I took off my glasses and walked listening to Eminem blasting in my ears.
     I finally arrived home noticing my moms car was in the driveway. As I approached the driveway I saw Chae. She was sitting on the corner I walk past everyday staring at me. I was on my last line with her. She sits there messing with nemo.  I walked in the door and mom later there passed out on the couch. As soon as she woke up she began demanding me of stuff, get me water... Do this.... Do that. I did everything she asked. I messaged Emily hoping she might reply. Then Erika. Nobody. I ended up passing out on the floor after explaining what happened today to gwenyth. I finally had a break. Bam that sums up the day....
My day wasn't poetic
Ana S May 2016
Dog in a bush.
Dog lights a smoke.
Dog has long scraggly hair.
Dog sleeping on streets.
Dog scratching her face.
Dog picks at her skin.
Dog lights up again.
Dogs hair is in tangles and messy.
Dogs skin is ashy and broken out.
Dog cries at nights.
Dog wonders how to get her hands on the monster.
Dogs skin is becoming more flawed with every run up with the monster.
Dog hears wispers at night.
Dog still wanders ally ways.
Dog lets people do stuff with her in order to get in contact with the monster.
Sometimes the monster is laced with one of its friends.
The dog never really does pure stuff anymore.
Dog told herself she would never get addicted.
Dog is addicted to the monster.
Crank
Monster
Crystal ****.
Oh yes!
Dog does ****!
And dog loves her ****.
Dog signed a contract with the monster the very first time it enter her system.
Dog has a life long relationship with ****.
Dog ****** up.
Now her life is uncontrollable.
Dog isn't stupid.
The monster controlled her.
Dog was smart loving and sweet.
Monster was controlling addicting and very very
Very
Very
Veryyyyyyy
Persuasive.
Dog holds hands with the monster now.
About a girl who had a run up with the monster
Ana S Feb 2017
I used to long for death.
Now I'm pleading it to stop.
Never appreciated life.
Now I can't get enough.
No forever is never promised.  
It can never be set in stone.
Lately my body has been deteriorating.
The only way to vent is here.
You see I have two lumps in my neck.
Nobody knows what it is yet.
Could be nothing could be something.
It varies from thyroid... lympth nodes swelling... all the way down to lymphoma, aka cancer.
They tell me not to worry.
It's best to prepare yourself for worse.
What if I am dying.
Atleast I'll be ready when my time comes.
After all we are all dying.
Life is inevitable.  
Life is unovoidable.
But death is inevitable as well.
There is no going around it.
You and I.
One day we are both going to die.
Maybe tomorrow maybe 13 years from now.
Life is not promised.
I remember last night.
I told her I could potentially be dying.
I told her not to worry.
I told her it probably isn't anything bad.
She tried to fight the tears then the began to flow.
Steady like a stream.
She was breaking because of me.
I told her I need you to be strong.
She said if I died she wouldn't go on.
She said you are the one I wanted all along.
What if this sky wizard called god is out to ruin us.
I asked why he would do that.
She just replied don't go cursing Sky wizards.
If there's a god I couldn't imagine him doing a thing.
Killing a girl at 16.
Taking my life when I've only just begun.
I used to beg for my end.
Little did I know I had only just begun.
Ana S Dec 2016
This is my fire range
The place I put my thoughts when they are rearanged.
Yes this is my firing range.
The only thing keeping me partially sane.
When I need to let go I hold on
This page gives me a new dawn
So yes this is my firing range
Where I fire the most hateful words
With a wirl in my brain.
Welcome to my firing range.
A metaphors
Ana S May 2016
The days are dark.
The fog lingers here as you drift into unconsciousness.
You are safe now my love.
You are safe.
The words that leave are repeated in your mind.
I am safe now.
I am safe.
The darkness stands no chance against me.
For I am alive.
You are safe sweetheart.
Let me guide you though the night.
Let me lead you to the light.
Now until in gets bright.
Her I shall stay holding you tight.
Listen to the rain.
Hear the pittering sound fill your brain.
Every beat threatening sleep.
Somehow yet a bit soothing.
Goodnight love.
Let me be your light in times of darkness
Ana S Dec 2017
Food is a common topic...

She doesn't feel loved,
She doesn't see light,

Her tears stain her cheeks every night,
crying into her pillow barely alive,

The hate allowed her disorder to strive.
The silence screaming down the halls,

Regret is the only word that calls,
they call her skinny,

she is beyond mini,
turning to dust,

starving herself felt like a must,
they call you bones,

You cant let the pain show,
hiding behind the glass,

kids stare in class,
you are nothing they say,

running home each day,
simply to avoid the rocks they throw,

never let the pain show,
starve yourself to feel alight,

everything is hidden with no light,
in the dark you sit,

only there do you realize life is ******* ****
so darling take my advise,

the demons aren't real,
darling just eat a meal.
Ana S May 2016
The dark allows my broken heart to rest.
When the pieces are shattered they have time to fix a bit.
Not anymore.
The dark haunts me.
It used to peacefully whisper to me.
Sing me to sleep.
Now it screams in pain.
Screams in her voice.
**** I loved her.
Why do I let people do this to me?
I'm such an idiot.
Everyone I've ever loved has torn me to pieces and left me to bleed.
Bleed drowning in memories.
I'm dead now.
Wandering around aimlessly.
No purpose.
No purpose at all.
No reason to live.
Why should I fight for life.
Why not just let go.
Let the earth **** me.
Enjoy the death.
Maybe peacefully drown.
Eat something I'm allergic to?
Athsma can do the trick.
Run three miles.
Just disappear.  
Leave like how love left me.
Broken.
Broken and ghostly.
Wandering pointlessly.
Ana S Aug 2016
Young girl.
Tears in her eyes.
Every night she sat there and cried.
At school she didn't fit in.
She wanted to end it before it could begin.
Broken hearts.
Always torn apart.
Sweet girl.
In a broken world.
Never speaking up.
Her mind ready to erupt.
Ready to take her last breath.
Not knowing what all was left.
Not knowing the people left to meet.
Not knowing life could be sweet.
She wanted it all to be over.
Never giving life a chance.
Finally she let life take her hand.
Then she was finally able to understand.
Life was leading her to the light.
But in order to find it she had to walk through the night.
So as of today,
This girl no longer hides away.
This girl has discovered beauty.
The beauty life really can be.
That girl just might have been me.

A.S. A random Poem for a random night.
A poem based of my expirence
Ana S Apr 2016
My face glows.
My hair flies when the wind blows.
I had a dream again.
The one before her and I had our end.
Back when she still loves me.
Back when we were like family.
Her dark brown hair.
Mysterious eyes.
Why even think of her?
Every time I do a little bit of me dies.
Now I dry my eyes.
She hates everything I do.
The ones who I haven't ****** up are few.
She hates my guts.
Hated the fact that I was in a depressed rut.
******* Chae.
Why do I think of you every day?
I can't even hate you.
what did u do.
To an ex
Ana S Mar 2016
She raised me to be a perfect little lady.
Then I became just a tad too shady.
What have you done to your self?
Can't you just pretend to be someone else?
I didn't raise a perfect lesbian.
They should never expirence perfection.
You and your whole kind are sins.
An abomination from hell.
Shut your mouth never tell.
Don't let the world know.
That's the only thing to never be told.
Don't shout out the facts.
All you do is distract.
Fill your life with men.
And only then will you no longer be a lesbian.
A spawn of satin.
I could go for days.
With how many girls have you laid?
Burn in hell you ****** kid.
Put your secret in a box and close the lid.
Never again will you be a lesbian.
Then will you be perfection.
Only when no longer labels by lesbian.
Not true!
Ana S May 2016
Here is the link to the page! Please go check it out asap! Thanks.

https://m.facebook.com/Our-Light-1011466452267886/?ref=bookmarks
https://m.facebook.com/Our-Light-1011466452267886/?ref=bookmarks
Ana S May 2016
A hand touched my shoulder...
Are you here for the art thing?
What art thing?
You shall see...
Now
I
Would
Like
To
Pause.
When you have no clue what you are doing.
Why you are there.
When you got there.
How you got there.
That is strange.
Now
We
Resume.
This girl touched my shoulder.
We exchanged words.
Then I woke up.
Ana S Mar 2016
The weather is dark.
Similar to my heart.
It was burned by her absence.
Never again able to balance.
On my own.
Without a helping hand to hold.
Always alone growing old.
But then a girl came along.
Ana S May 2016
Heart pounding
Thought racing
I haven't felt this way since I was with Chae.
This strange human.
Amazing human.
I have no words to describe her.
Everything is flawless about her.
Her flaws I find beautiful.
What the hell is wrong with me.
Could I be thrown into this again?
Could it actually work out?
God I hope so.
Until then we will never know
Ana S Jul 2019
He is
And isn’t.
He will be.
And can’t be.
He is the fire in my heart.
And the ocean in my eyes.
The laughter in my pain.
And the pain in my laughter.
He is,
And isn’t.
He is there.
But never constant.
He is.
And isn’t.
He can.
And can’t be.
I’m his,
Yet he isn’t mine.
I love him...
and he is.
And he isn’t.
Love me daddy,
I don’t crave the pain anymore.
I crave his love.
No longer to satisfy.
To be loved will cure my cries.
He is the ocean in my eyes.
The tears behind my dark lies.
Simply just a friend.
A casual *** partner.
Love me,
Why don’t you.
And I’m not good.
No good for you.
I’ll let you do whatever you want to.
Punish me daddy.
Make me bleed.
Make me feel.
Anything,
Other than this cold numb,
Love me.
Make me feel.
Love again.
Love me
Ana S Jan 2018
Cigarette smoke.
Lingering through the air.
His long black coat.
And his scraggly blonde/ginger hair.

He isn't perfect to others,
But he is mine.
His hugs cause me to melt.
His eyes are mesmerizing.

Yes he's coated in the smell of
Cigarettes.
But he is mine.

Such a beautiful intelligent mind he has.
Such a smart man he is.
I'd say a boy but he is beyond that intellectual phase.

His intelligence would blow many away.
I can almost say he's lost his mind.
But after all,
He is mine.

Sneaking around in the dark of the night.
The gentle glow of the street lights.
Often times he brings me food.
Other times he comes bringing gifts of hugs.

Long warm hugs.
The smell of him and his cigarette breath.
Sour but soothing.
Only because I know,
He is mine.

Devoted to this man I am.
Dedicated and loyal.
This boy at heart,
A man in reality.

Intelligence bearing.
Beautifully deranged.
His mind is full of pain.
Yet he is mine.

He numbs my pains.
He causing the nightmares to run in fear.
Yes he is the man I hold ever so dear.

I'm not one to dedicate poems to people of love interest.
But he is more than an interest.
He is a beautiful toast.
That's a bit of an inside joke.
But again he is mine.
Ana S Apr 2016
Let me guide you to the light.
Let me provide safety in the nights.
Sweet heart I Refuse to let go.
I am here.
Here
To
Hold
You
So...
❤️
Just a quick but meaningful write
Her
Ana S May 2017
Her
Even though there is a smile on her face...
Her eyes are still blank.
Her pale reflection.
It's the only recollection.
The only memories of her.
Anyone has anymore.
A pale ghostly girl.
The one who always slept in class.
The one who always had dark circles under her eyes.
The one you stared at when she would cry.
The one that one day you told to die.
What if that day she had listened. How would it feel having that on your chest.
You killed a girl.
You killed her.
A girl you didn't fully know. Judged by misconceptions.
Ana S Apr 2016
I've wrote a poem about her before.
Never had enough words.
Can't figure out what to say.
Day by day.
She is the light.
The last person I text at night.
She is the only person I trust.
When my family turned to dust.
Yes there is my girlfriend.
She's really something.
To young to really understand bipolar.
I don't want to hurt her.
I don't want to be a murderer.
Like with Chae.
I still think of her everyday.
Blame myself for her addiction.
Blame myself for her pain.
Thought racing through my brain.
Would I be better dead.
Thoughts racing through my head.
I am going to pull the trigger.
Just not yet.
I'll wait til everyone who lives leaves.
Like everyone else I've ever loved.
I want to die
Ana S Apr 2016
Running
From
Her.
Running
And
Never
Looking
Back.
Running
For
Her
Hold.
Running
From
The
Possibility
Of
Love.
Running
From
Any
Chances
Of
Being
Considered
Sane.
That's
Okay
Though.
I
Don't
Get
Tired
Easily.
Him
Ana S Jan 2016
Him
Where is he?
He's been missing for nearly a week.
I know I shouldn't worry.
He's always in such a hurry.
Always something to do.
I have to work from ten to two.
He'd always say.
I wanted him to stop breath and stay.
Just for today?
But he'd always leave.
And as he walked away behind he'd leave me.
I hope he's okay.
Guess I will find out one day.
Until then goodbye.
Goodbye you fabulous guy.
To a friend.
Ana S Mar 2016
Call me back to home.
Don't make me walk alone.
Take me to the place I belong.
Teach me again how to be strong.
Please let me stay there.
Free my short red hair fly free.
Yes fly free just like me.
A poem about freedom
Ana S Apr 2016
So I'll begin simple and sweet.
She was a beautiful girl and deeply loved.
One day she lost the light in her eyes. Internally she started to die.
We all stood in shock.
All we could do was watch.
Watch as she minimized her food intake and payed attention to calories. I'd cook her favorite meals but she'd just say no thank you.
I held her close one night.
Little did I know that that night was the last.
The last night I would ever see her glassy blue eyes.
Ever wipe the tears she cried. Sweeping her hair out of her face I began to say... Darling, you have to stop.
Look at what your doing to yourself. You've lost over ninty pounds.
You are turning to dust and won't make it much longer.
What do I have to do to help you be stronger.
I've tried it all but every idea just falls. I love you so much baby.
Stop please.
She did stop in the end.
She stopped living.
How I lost her to anorexia.
Ana S May 2016
Scared of being late.
I texted her nonstop.
Is it beginning?
No not yet.
I waited for her but ended up going in alone.
Which is absolutely okay. :)
When I went it I was lost.
A big casino.
Looking for one group of people.
It heavily smelled of cigarette smoke.
Memories of the past flooded.
But they were only pushed down.
When I was told where to go and did find it immediately my eyes found her.
Yes she was here.
I went off to my own date and I guess that was good.  
I danced occasionally looking at her. Which was completly unintentional.
She and her date(I think) were extremely beautiful.
Her in service dress.
I hope you had fun.
I can tell you I definatly did.
To a friend who asked if I would write a poem about yesterday.
Ana S Mar 2016
Unlike a fox you are ever so obvious.
Yet like a crow you assumed I would never know.
Head up in the clouds.
Left me down on earth head throbbing around.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I'm sorry my love.
I killed a perfectly good dove.
So pure and loving.
She turning into nothing.
Needs never met.
Catching whatever you can in a net.
Some **** here.
Oh have some Ecstasy my dear.
How about a smoke.
Take down this pill with a coke.
Well *******.
And **** everything you do.
I hate you so much.
And to think we had something we called love.
I don't care anymore.
To an ex girlfriend...
Ana S Apr 2016
The way I deal with my problems.
It isn't the best way.
Sneaking out to get the things I need.
Coming back high and unable to think right.
Yeah the street lights are blurs.
It's how I deal with losing her.

The way I deal with my problems.
Isn't always the right way.
I get in fights a lot.
The pills make me manic.
I no longer take the ones that calm me.
Instead I chose to stay up high.
Until I crash real low.
That's how I deal with losing her.
Ana S May 2016
Stop your screaming child.
The angel said I have to.
Do you want to go to the promised land?
If you want to enter his kingdom you must be cleansed of sin.
Stop moving.
It will only hurt a second.
You are a sin!
The angel said I must cleanse you!
Moms angel
Ana S Jun 2016
Nope no pain.
Deep down under my sleeves I press down on cuts.
The cuts hurt bad.
Bad like everything memory.
I say it's just allergies.
That's the reason I look like I'm crying.
It's never allergies.
It's a little problem I like to call heartbreak.
When you fall for someone and they don't love you.
So many times this has happened.
Just great.
When it hurts
Ana S Jun 2016
No I am not dead yet.
Nor do I still want to take my life.
Yes today I am beginning to notice.
I am alive.
Yes I have been depressed before.
Yes it got the best of me at times.
I am alive today.
I stand here tall and alive.
I breath.
I don't need to be with her to live.
Her absents no longer holds me under.
Iron longer has me in its grasp.
She's going to notice that I am gone.
And I am just going to say so long.
She did mean a lot but I can't continue on.
It's making me sick.
All her childish *******.
I am alive now.
Now I won't let her **** me anymore.
I am shutting the door.
Yes I say it now,
But it's always harder in reality.
Harder to say the truth.
The truth is yeah I love her.
Yeah I trust her.
I trust her even when I have no reason to.
She's lied to me nonstop for days.
But for some reason I keep putting myself out there.
Out there for her to manipulate.
No more though.
I'm done with all her games.
I am alive now.
Alive and happy.
Every scar has a memory.
Every night I cried in the past.
No I don't need people who will cause that.
I know who my real friends are.
thank you guys for being there over the last year or so.
The time when I was low.
Yeah Mel was there at times but Violet turned her into something else.
Someone who no longer cared.
Emily she's been there.
Thank you em.
I'll never forget it.
Even when I doubted her she was there.
Not a clue how much it impacted my life.
Literally without you I might not be here.
Thank you again.
Allysa is like a sister even though sometimes she gets on my nerves she is like family.
I'm always gonna have her back when she needs me.
My sister is a **** head rn.
Made some bad choices recently.
Trying to grow up too soon going down the same path I was.
If she won't listen to me that's okay.
She will learn one day.
I guess this is me just venting.
Getting it all out.
Letting go of everything.
Saying...
I am alive.
This time I plan to stay that way.
I am alive.
Alive starting today
Ana S Apr 2016
I didn't mean to snap
I'm sorry
I made u upset
I hurt you
I made a promise
But then the silver screamed
It was only a little one
How bad could it be
I know it was the last
I try
I sorry
Ana S Apr 2016
The dark is when I can write.
Words work onto my pages during the night.
I can express the emptiness I feel.
It's the only way I recall on how to deal.
Deal with the pain from past lovers.
Deal with the hate from almost step mothers.
Even I'm not invited to my fathers wedding.
**** it, not like I wanted to see him give her a ring.
She said I must wear heels and a dress.
Smile act a bit impressed.
Well mummy oh my,
How the time flew by.
You really don't know me.
I wouldn't lay a finger on a dress you see.
And love if my girlfriend won't be allowed to accompany me,
I am not sorry to say I'm uninterested in your stupid wedding.
Your homophobic lies.
Look at you bat you beautiful eyes.
Honey it is a sin.
God knows you'll find out when...
When what???
When I burn in hell? You ****?
What is God going to do?
He's more accepting that you.
I go to church twice a week say prays every night.
But still according to you I'm doing nothing right.
I'm an abomination to the holy lord.
Wish you could hit my girlfriend with your ford?
Lay a finger on her you can go through me.
So please excuse me.
No I will not go to your no homos allowed ******* wedding.
Who gives a rats *** if your marrying my father.
He sure as hell never treated me like his daughter.
So why even bother.
I decline
Ana S Apr 2016
Out of everyone there has been her.
She stayed and never once judged me.
She has been my best friend for a while now.
She's also a role model and my inspiration.
I told the silver to stop mutilating my skin for her.
I told the darkness to leave because she led me to the light.
Never once did I mean to hurt her in any way.
I'm sorry.
I'm so very sorry
I hope u don't hate me.
Because I love you.
To a friend
Ana S May 2017
In a world full of people whom claim to be something I have encountered quite a few nothings.
The nothings who feel the need to flaunt accomplishments in the other somethings faces.
The nothings who brag on and on about how they are the most important something.
I've also met a few somethings.
The ones who hide behind their creativity and silence.
The somethings who can't speak in crowds.
And funny thing is all the nothings who identify as something bring all the somethings identifies as nothings down.
They are the ones who make the somethings think they are nothing.
Than nothing and something
Ana S Apr 2016
Kindal
Crush
Kendal
Crush
**** my brain is exploding.
Kendal
Crush
It's a rush!!!
Too many pills.
Torn
Ana S Jun 2016
Summer feels like forever.
Not getting to see friends everyday.
Some friends even in different states.
I miss her.
I miss my friend.
We don't talk as much.
She's super busy.
I'm busy too.
Almost always sleeping.
Summer is a drag.
Ana S Apr 2016
She went on a trip.
Away in the state.
She went on a trip.
Away from contact.
I wait til she's online.
Then I message her.
I feel quite annoying.
I just really miss her.
I miss her a lot.
She is one of the only people I talk to.
Now what do I do?
She's not here.
Emily I miss you.
I want to know how it was.
It looks like you had fun.
Whenever you get the time let me know.
I really miss you just letting you know.
Ana S May 2016
Countless nights I've cried.
But now I stand tall, I am very much alive.
Used to be small, I am very much alive.
The world had attacked.
Nobody here to help.
Then Emily came into my life.
She began to show me meaning in life.
I went to church with her.
Talked all the time.
Built up confidence a little more.
Then life opened about her door.
Melody.
The way we met was strange.
Just me being my wierd self.
At mendive you were different.
I said hi in the halls I guess you remembered.
Somehow I just felt like I could trust you.
Then we stopped talking.
We had never rally started.
Just small talk here and there.
No one really taking care,
To the few conversations we had.
Later in school we had both become a bit older.
Some of us a bit bolder.
Friend request on Facebook.
Turned into conversations at four am.
Those conversations turned into new friends.
Then then something else began.
Something I involving me needing to trust.
Trust you.
Yes love I trust you.
I know you know what you are doing.
Chain events
Ana S Apr 2016
One day I woke up invisible.
I though how unnatural.
Indeed it was strange.
Wierd when I had to change.
I decided I would go to school.
But soon decided I was a fool.
Nobody cared I was gone.
I wondered if anyone wonders what was wrong.
I thought they would care.
Care that I wasn't there.
They just went on with their days.
All to my dismay.
I saw what people really thought.
Then my mind fought.
See she never loved you.
Now what will you do?
They are talking bad.
Making me sad.
Only invisible.
Words always unstoppable.
Invisible for a day
Ana S Mar 2016
Yes I have a bipolar mind.
I look for clear but never know what I will find.
Mom sent me away.
For a few months and a day.
Mom said she couldn't handle me.
Why couldn't she see?
I wasn't really myself.
I was someone else.
Sometimes blue.
Gosh if I could sue.
Every little ****
Who made me hate my guts.
Awe look at her.
**** she's got the face of a murderer.
Why you always crying Graffe *** *****?
Why not end it and die in a ditch?
I was definatly all over the place.
Stuck with this awful race.
I couldn't control my actions.
So I shoved all emotions back with a little lithium.
Then I didn't see clear.
Actually nothing ever happens here.
I see nothing now.
And there's no changing my mind.
What the lithium did to me
Ana S May 2016
Could I possibly be in...
No couldn't be...
But maybe...
No it couldn't be...
It is though.
Her touch.
Kisses so sweet.
Her personality... ****.
Baby I want you.
I need you.
She is the air I breath.
Like **** I'm falling for her...
Hard
Hard
Hard
Love is pain
Ana S Feb 2017
It all started with a memory.
Pushing its way from the depths of my mind.
Submerging into a thought...
The thought causing my stomach to scream every time I walked past her.
My emo blue haired friend.
Well used to be a friend.
At one point even a little more.
The thought slowly but surely turned into a tear.  
Then a storm.
The rain kept falling my mind clouding up completely.
I hurt my girlfriend to much.
It's all unintentional but it's there.
Anyways the storm turned into a lightning strike.
The lightning taking the shape of a silver blade.
The blade I had sworn to put away.
The blade I had hidden ever so well just invade and emergency came about.
I thought this to be an emergency.
So the lightning struck leaving a thick river flowing down my hand and arm.
A river of red warm regret.
Blood.
I liked watching my own blood make it's way down my arm.
It gave me a sense of peace.
Peace knowing I'm so lost that I rely on self mutilation to get through the day.
Everyone has their choice of destruction...
some choose drugs.
Acholol.
Then there's me and I choose isolation and pain.
Being alone is my worst fear and my number one weakness.
When I'm alone I can act recklessly with no one to stop me.
Not that anyone cares anyways.
That's all I want.
Someone to stop me and hug me and tell me it'll be alright. Still I remain alone.
Sleepless nights...
no lights... this is my life now.
The tears leaving my pillow wet and the river flowing thickly from my arms.
This is my life now.
Ana S Apr 2016
I run away from the things that scare me.
I run away from the people who try to help me.
I can't help it.
My whole life I have lived fearing people.
It all just takes time.
Until then I run.
Run away from the things I have no control over.
Run away from the things that could save me.
I run.
But now I'm tired.
So I sit down.
You walk up and sit next to me.
You teach me how to walk.
Tell me it's time to stop running.
I've found the someone I can't run from.
She is here with me.
A friend.
she stayed in the long run.
Running... Running.... Running
Ana S Aug 2016
funny how when you love someone they are everything.
They are the light and the dark.
They are the sunset and rise.
They are all you can see.
With all the colors of the sun.
They are the only one.
They get you.
They understand you.
She is my everything.
She is my day and night.
Somehow she can make things alright.
She is beautiful.
She is the match before the explosion.
She is every breathing moment.
Absolutely everything.
Dreams of her
Ana S Jan 2016
Jump they scream.
No the voices are mean.
Jump the say.
Disappear into the shadows of the day.
Ana S Jan 2016
So I guess I will begin.
Simple and sweet.
God what a treat.
I thought this life would be.
A November night that was me.
I began to grow.
People around dropped my self esteem low.
I wanted to cry.
Go away and hide.
I began to hate the world.
I wanted to leave.
Just leave me be.
I thought I could be free.
Away with everyone.
To hell I had gone.
Alone.
Then I began to step out.
I wanted to scream and shout.  
I had a secret to hide.
One that sat at my side.
I'm lesbian.
According to some a spawn of satan.
I questioned myself.
Locked my secret away on a shelf.
Finally I told her.
My mother.
Finally no more hiding.
No more careful deciding.
I can be who I am.
I was afraid of being ******.
But who cares.
Everyone concours dares.
Now I sit her talking to you.
The day questions what to do.
So that is me.
My not so simple story.
My story
Ana S Apr 2016
God, that name hasn't killed me yet.
It just screams out regret.
I trusted you with everything.
And I obviously never meant a thing.
You helped me find myself.
Then you acted like somebody else.
You took away your pain.
You bowed down in shame.
You smoked and began to fly.
Fly higher than the sky.
Rarely were your eyes not glassy.
I though this whole mess was you being classy.
And to think I called you a brother.
Why even bother.
You were there when nobody else was.
Then you found a new buddy...
Drugs
To my an old friend who works at McDonald's
Ana S Apr 2016
Fat, skinny, anorexic, depressed
Emo, fake, two-faced
*******, brainiac, crazy,
Tall, short, giraff, mouse
Gay, straight, ****, ***
Bipolar, white, black
Christian, Jew,
Anger creates labels
Insecurity creates labels.
Labels
Destroy us.
Labels
Ana S Mar 2016
Dark hair,
Eyes that stare,
Deep into my soul,
Two people grow old,
A warm fuzzy feeling,
My heart she's slowly stealing,
I would give it to her,
Tell her to take it fast,
Act as if every word was our last,
I don't want her to go,
Her power over me is my greatest fo,
Laced with beauty,
Never able to see what I see,
Her beautiful eyes,
Inviting insanity inside,
I love you,
I know,
When love hits hard
Ana S Apr 2016
..."Time makes you bolder,
Children get older, and I'm getting older too.
So take this love and I took it down.
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hill.
Well maybe, well maybe, the landslide will bring you down. "...
Stay strong. You couldn't be more perfect. You are an amazing human. One of the best humans I know. Every time you wave or smile at me I can't help but smile back. You are freaking beautiful and defiantly one of my best friends.
A song quote for a girl who struck my life in a very special important way.
Ana S Apr 2018
Spiraling out of control.
Who was once someone special is now a crazy **** head.
Friend I never thought I'd love.
He came around and changed my world.
You'll be okay.
Slowly showed me a new reality away from her.
Scared to be treated right.
I don't know the feeling of right.
I only know what hands do at night.
The hands that touch me in places I'm afraid of.
The hands that hit me when I won't sit by the door.
The hands that cut my leg and left a scar.
So I'm scared to be loved right.
I know the feeling of screaming for her to get away.
I know the feeling of being held down as she does what she wants.
I know the feeling of being told I'm not enough.
For I'm not even capable of killing myself.
I know what she does.
I know what she's done.
***** by her friend.
Violated over and over again.
Drugged and abused.
Feeling lost and used.
He came around and carried me out of the dark.
His hands are gentle.
His heart is warm.
His touch is soft and loving.
He holds my broken peices and has glue in bulk.
Yes spinning out of control.
**** heads.
No brains.
He took my heart away.
Reveled infront of me.
He is all I see.
I love him.
He loves me.
The pain of my broken past.
The one that haunts.
No longer all I see.
For once there is more.
With him.
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