what am i supposed to do

                 when the people
                 who picked me up

        taped me back together
        shattered and ripped me

walked away
   and never
     turned back

      ~           ~           ~

*cut open
i bleed water
rusty and brown
in myself*
i've started to drown

My thoughts are rubber

My words are cement


My thoughts grip me

and snap back

into my head full force

each time they try to escape


My words are concrete and imposing

I can't seem to take them back

no matter how hard I try

I wish I didn't feel so empty without you

   I'm hollow
      All that's left is my core
         I'm just paper thin, tearing skin
   **All I've left is my black heart, melting away

Meet me somewhere dark,
and I'll try to shake
the trauma induced erotophobia
long enough to be
worth your while.

Meet me somewhere dark,
and I'll be so invisible
that I'll be comfortable being seen.
And don't worry,
I bite, hard.

This is                                                                  ­        going to be
one of those nights                                                        I hopelessly
                                                       wait
up for you                                                                  ­ only to be
disappointed again,                                                      isn'­t it?

Have you seen the boy
   with eyes blue and
   deep like the sea?

                               Have you seen the boy
                                  with eyes sweet and
                                  puppy-dog brown?

Have you seen the boy
with eyes that flicker
like golden flames?

                               Have you seen the boy
                                  with eyes greener
                                  than spring grass?

Have you seen any of these boys
   who promised to last?

Have you seen me?

They took my face
Off the the missing posters,
Because no one
Would want the reward,
If they saw my face.

The description
They removed too,
Because how can you
Define a girl
Who's nothing but bruised?

I have been missing -- gone,
For far, far too long.

Every time he says go **** yourself
I can't help but laugh at him
Not because it's preposterous
But because how could he know
How many times I've already tried

Every time I look at myself
I count up all my sins
Wishing my life were less boisterous
Wishing I had somewhere else to go
Maybe death -- I live like I've already died

He says to me,

You make it really difficult to talk to you.

All I can respond with is,

*I know.

How do you do it?
How do you forget, move on?
How to you forget spending so many sunrises with a person?
A person who forced you out of your shell?
A person who, first the first time in four years, seemed like they
    actually cared?
A person who for once made you feel like you could amount to
    something?
Like you didn't have to force yourself into this cookiecutter image?
How do you forget someone who would talk to you untill 2, 3, 4
    every night?
How do you forget the soft, warmness of their sweatpants when
    you were freezing?
Someone who would drive out in the middle of the night just to
    see you?
How do you forget the first person to actually chase you down and
    wrap themselves around you until your wrist stopped bleeding?

I wrote a political piece,
I wrote an ****** epic,
I wrote a satire on society,
I wrote a rhyming rhapsody...
But I decided to delete them
With my fifty page science fiction novella...
Oh... What have I done?

I wrote this despicable blurb to express my despair.

She can see something beautiful in everyone
        She reads more books than anyone else I know
She gives people presents '"just because," even though she can't afford it
        She has a cute accent that's stronger when she's upset or tired
She would travel around the world for someone she cares about
        She never forgets those who are kind to her
She always smells really good
        She is always honest
She likes to sleep under the stars -- literally
        She fights for what she believes in, loyal as hell

I know that you've been used and confused,
Believe me, I have too.
Are you afraid to be hurt?
Because I am as well.
But being near you while you're this distant,
It's like walking through hell.
I know what I want from you,
I've had far too long to mull it over.
All I need, love, is you, closer.
Are you afraid? Because I am too,
Though there's no denying,
I think I'm in love with you.

I know your mama
       probably wants you to fall in love
       with a nice little girl from church
       and move in down the street
       and I know I'm from the wrong end of town
       and I scare everyone when I talk audibly

but let me ask you this
       haven't I dealt you the best little poisons
       sliding contraband books under the table
       have I ever shown you a bad time
       have I ever given you a bad reputation
       when you've been with me and I'm laughing out loud

and have I told you
       you make me feel safe and stable
       when you're arms are around me
       and that time you kissed me I forgot that
       I ever wanted to just be friends
       and your gold flecked eyes scream out to me in my sleep

Let me put my hands in your hair, and feel your mouth on mine.
Let me sigh with pleasure, when we've only just begun.
Let me take off your tie, unbutton your shirt.
Let me lick your skin, ache with so much want I hurt.
Let me slip off my dress, drop it to the floor.
Let me straddle you, craving, needing more.
Let me in your pants, to caress you with hungry delight.
Let me consume you, *******, only the start of the night.
Let me **** on you indulging, after you eat at me.
Let me bend and break at your very touch, all for you to see.
Let me be a toy, play with me, tease and tantalize.
Let me be yours, make me moan, make me scream- let us be vulgarized.

I stopped breathing two years ago
I don't know if it was because of him or not
Maybe it was coincidence
But I was choking, sputtering for fourteen years of my life
Gasping for just one
And now for two years
I have stopped breathing altogether

My lungs are tared black
But I don't smoke
My skin is charred and burnt with open sores
Yet I freeze more with each passing second

I feel like I'm inside a trash bag
Or I am a trash bag
Certainly though I'm trash
I'm a corpse in a body bag
Soon

I used to be able to look at you and you'd know
You used to beg me to stop
You used to make me stop
You were the only one

But I just looked at you and you looked right back
You looked at me like I was a crazy person

At least you finally figured it out, I guess

I am cold
And you're far away
My hands are covered in stars

I am crying
And you're probably asleep
My hands are covered in snow

I am candlewax
And you are matches
My hands are covered in sins

every now and then i forget that no one loves me and i smile

How can nothing feel so heavy?

I just want to get drunk
I just want to drive to his house
I just want to use him one more time
I just want to make really bad decisions
I just want to get so ******* high
I just want to forget
forget
forget
everything
everyone
me
I just want to do something stupid again
and not care
I just want to take off all my clothes
I just want to jump in the river
off that rock covered in ashes
I just want to go under the water
and never come back up

She wore a smile everyday,
Laughed and shrugged her cares away.
She wasn't scared, not afraid.
That was why he was so worried.
She talked of knives and scars unseen,
He thought it was just a joke, a tease.
She casually mentioned their hate of her,
This he thought ridiculous, absurd.
She never slept at all during night.
And he worried, but pretended it was nothing.
Until he saw her hip, her scars,
Heard the things they've done.
But she was still unafraid,
So still he pretended it all was nothing.
Then one day he woke up,
And she was finally sleeping.