It all began in dance class
When I first felt small
Standing in the back of the lines
Where no one could see me at all

Fast forward to middle school
Where the girls who looked like me
Were never the topic of conversation
Like I always dreamt to be

Even when highschool rolled around
It was still never about me
Always some other fair skinned beaut
Who i’d constantly compared to thee

And when I finally did steal a heart
Guess how it began and ended?
Another girl came into the picture
Which whom I had to contend with

My history of love & relationships
Definitely isn’t one for the books
Just painful memories I try to wash away
Because I never had “the look”

That’s the reason I’m always triggered
Because all my life I’ve had to compete
I just want someone to look at me and think
“**** my life is finally complete.”

I blame myself for not being enough
Within my voids, you found her to fill
And now she owns half of your heart
To know the truth, ******* kills

Does she love you better than I do?
Does she make you feel brand new?
Does she make you feel electric?
Or give you a feeling you don’t wanna lose?

When you tell her “I love you”
And when she tells you it back
Is that what you’ve been missing?
Has she been picking up my slack?

Every day without me
Is another day with her
Maybe not psychically
But enough for you to lure

My mind is my worst enemy
It constantly mocks me of the pain
And where I went wrong along the way
It drives me ******* insane

I can’t ever forgive myself
For not loving you properly
I ruin the all the things I love
So why does this come as a shock to me?

Can you still feel the magic?
Or is it beginning to feel more tragic?
Do you feel like things have changed?
Which one of us should take the blame?

I know you’re tired of being the bad guy
Just as i am tired of all the lies
You’re not to blame for it all, I’m no saint
Even though that’s the picture I try to paint

Some may say we were doomed from the start
Maybe you would since you warned me, we’d part
For what it’s worth, we were in love and baby it was real
I just wish we got it right, I wish we sealed the deal

Once upon a time we were innocent kids
Bright eyes and happy with clean fresh slates
I’d do anything to make up for what I did
But unfortunately I cannot chose my fate

It still hurts me
Still hurts to this day
I’m trying my ******* hardest
But the pain won’t go away

I still can’t help but think
How for a moment you thought it was ok
Did you even consider my feelings?
Or at least the price you’d have to pay?

Crazy, I’d never hurt you like this
I hope you really enjoyed the head
I may’ve made a “mistake” while we were apart
But you made one while we slept in the same bed

I owe it to myself to be happy
You did say it’s something you regret
No matter how much I love you
I can forgive you but I just can’t forget

The rain came at a perfect time
We’re mourning the loss of my heart
It all just happened yesterday
So let me use this for my art

I wish this wasn’t my reality
But unfortunately I’m wide awake
No matter how hard I pinch myself
I’m forced to accept it’s not fake

That **** you did
What I never thought you do
I thought I’d **** up like this
But I was wrong cuz turns out it’s you

To know you’ve just been touched
By someone other than me
Honestly hits me in my soul
Because you couldn’t just wait patiently?

It was only a few days apart
How badly was the desire?
I thought she was “******” girl
But clearly you’re a ******* liar

I hate that this is my life
And now I’m forced to face it
No matter how much I wasn’t ready
Maybe we just should call it quits

Those words, together **** me
Its a hard pill to swallow
But I don’t know what else to do
I guess I’ll move on and just wallow

Lie to me gently
Tell me everything I want to hear
I know that you love me
But some things aren’t so clear

How deep is your love
Would the ocean be jealous?
Because that’s what I want
For you to be nuts like a citellus

Seems like it’s just me
And you’ve begun to stray
I mean we’re not together
But when has that ever gotten in the way?

I can’t do this anymore
I can’t take anymore pain
Why’d you say you love me
When I’m just the one to blame?

Each day that goes by I realize
It’s one less than I had before
Especially every time I get high
It hits me even deeper to my core

One day our lease will end
But will we still be together?
Or whatever I make believe and pretend
Just to try to make myself feel better

Crazy to think that you’re still here
When you could’ve left ages ago
But we’ve had one wild *** year
I’m so thankful, I hope you know

For staying when you wanted to leave,
And putting up with my constant memory loss
Because you knew all I would do is grieve
And this is one relationship that I can’t toss

I know you can still thrive without me
I guess I should learn to do the same
I’m the only one who can set me free
If I can’t  you’ll be the last to blame

I hope the story of us continues
And we gain a lot more chapters
I wish God could give me a preview
I still want that happily ever after..

Every time I look in the mirror
I’m confused by my reflection
I don’t think I’ve ever recognized her
It’s complete and utter deception

Those bright eyes that I once knew
Are now useless and dimly lit
Hiding and concealing all that’s true
As if that could make me ever forget

The lies that they once spewed
Whether I was aware of it or not
Especially how trust can’t be renewed
And how loyalty can’t ever be taught

Funny I never thought that’d be me
I never took the time to know who I am  
I hate myself for not being able to see
That I’m just a lying, attention seeking sham

Go on, just go just leave
We’ve been here too many times
We actually were never a “we”
I just can’t read between the lines

Are you tired? Is this the end?
Have you reached your limit?
Would I be better off as just a friends?
Is that a role I’d better fit?

Is what we have even real?
or are we forcing it too much?
Is being “fed up” all you feel?
Have I lost that special touch?

Not really sure I ever even had it
Feels like we were doomed from the start
I guess it’s something we could never get
I guess we’re just better off apart?

What do you do when the one you love
Has ran out of love themselves?
Do you kiss them? Do you give them a hug?
Is it possible for you to restore their health?

Or is that not a job you should take on?
Are you supposed to let them heal alone?
What if you’re trying to create a tighter bond
Is it bad to want to be viewed as a “home”?

I’d give away my own kidney
If I knew it’d wash away your pain
Because this isn’t how I want things to be
I don’t want either of us to go insane

Is it even love anymore?
When I’m just adding to the stress?
It feels I’ve turned into a burden
And we’re in a loop of a reoccurring mess

The day I realized love won’t conquer all
Completely broke me into two
Because that’s all I really have to give
And there’s a lot that love can’t do

Love won’t make him stay
And doesn’t leave once he’s left
One day these tears will become useless
And that’s agonizing to accept

I’d hate for this to end
And vanish right before my eyes
I’m sorry I’m not good enough
But I swear I will do my best and try

Those aren’t just words either
That’s my heart on my sleeve
You’ve become the greatest asset in my life
I dunno what I’d do if I made you leave

I don’t know when this all happened
I didn’t know I wasn’t truly being me
Apparently it’s been going on for awhile
Or maybe I always knew subconsciously

I don’t know why after all this time
I still get butterflies when I look at you
At first glance that sounds cute and charming
But it’s preventing me from doing what I want to do

I often compare myself to other girls
who would never possess a piteous trait
Constantly beating myself up inside
Knowing I’m the reason we can’t date

What I long for isn’t a relationship
It’s knowing that our souls are entwined
You know me like the back of your hand
And I know you like the back of mine

We'll have 7 days in our hands
What will we do with each day?
Go race car driving, or wine tasting?
**** I guess we'll figure it out in LA

Perhaps we'll skate on a beach
Or take a long drive to the Bay
I don't really care, long as I'm with you
Everyday when we're in LA

I wonder what the future holds
And if we'll ever find our way
I want to see mutual success
Abundantly for us in LA

I want the privilege of knowing you
More than I already can say
Stripped and bare with nothing to hide
I want us to flourish while out in LA

Our chapter here will soon end
And we'll wake up somewhere far away
I think I'll be able to handle such distance
As long as its "you and I" in LA

I miss your fingers I miss your touch
The way your hands felt on me
I tend to reminisce on it everyday
My skin ******* misses your body

I love to know you're in control
And I'm to do whatever you please
All I wanna do is make you happy
Even when I'm a bit of a tease

I melt when my hands' in yours
I don't wanna forget your touch
Let alone feel anyone else's
I adore yours way too much

Our bodies entangled eternally
Your heart strings connected to mine
I can't shake off your grip on me
I wish I felt it all the time

He loves me, he loves me not
These dark thoughts seize my mind
I spend my time watching the clock
Attempting to relax but I can't unwind

I held onto the idea of "we"
I'm such a delusional, and stupid ****
When there was always "you"and "me"
I should've known with my bad luck

I refuse to believe this is the end
But aren't I just hurting myself more?
Maybe we were meant to be just friends?
Or you're delusional and I'm s'posed to be yours

The only way we'll know is from time
And I pray to God it's on my side
Are we star crossed lovers like Romeo and Juliet?
Or ride or die like Bonnie and Clyde?

I think we're both sick in the head
Bc we cross the line too much
Then we're back to behind the line
I think we lust after that rush

Is it safe to say we're addicted?
To the pheromones our bodies release?
I swear I can't ever get enough of you
When I'm you I feel like I'm at peace

The thought of leaving you kills me
Where else would I possibly turn?
I've been without you before
And that wound is still a bit burned

You're what made me sick
And you're the only one to cure me
Let's be each other's antidote
And recover together in harmony

Sometimes I do think we need space
To breath and let go of passive pain
But I don't want you with anyone else
And I secretly hope you wish me the same

To let go is to be brave
In hopes that one day I'll be ok
I don't know where life will take me
But I'm so blessed that you came my way

I don't know what I'd do without you
It's like retraining myself how to breath
Or simply how to even live, yes that too
Never again could I do such with ease

Some may think I'm blinded and crazy
To chase a boy who doesn't want to be saved
And **** perhaps I am, it's a possibility
But my heart is one thing you can't persuade

I like to rush over just to be with you
And then take it slow once I get there
But life crashes down with what we once knew
The way you get treated just isn't fair

I've seen that golden light in your eyes
I swear there's flowers blooming inside
When **** hits the fan I'm the one who cries
Because then you're X and piece of me dies

You always claim that I deserve more
Yet in my eyes, you constantly satisfy me
Talk is cheap, and words are a bore
Try to get rid of me when we're both in cali

*Let's say you do and one day we part
I swear I'll never find another like you
You'll always have a special place in my heart
Once you realize I'm one hit me up, let's "take 2"

Once the clock strikes midnight
Cinderella always has to go
Instantly then, I never feel right
And my heart gets filled with such woe

I hate that you sleep alone
When I do the same, in my bed
Always and constantly checking my phone
Talking with you and dreaming in my head

If I can make it to 20
I can make it to the end of the year
Out to Cali where it's sunny
Carefree, without a ******* fear

It's criminal to be kept from you
You're my happiness, my moon and stars
I can't ******* wait 'til it's just us two
Then the world will finally be ours

Minutes feel like hours
And hours feel like days
I forgot you had this power
To make me fall for your gaze

The second that we're apart
My smile instantly fades
There's an emptiness in my heart
And I grieve for several days

But then I finally see you
And I'm back where I belong
I love to watch the things you do
Like when you mix all your songs

You are truly my comfort zone
You take my heart to new heights
I forget the feeling of being alone
Because you are the love of my life

If you ever wanna **** yourself
I thought that you should know
I don't care if you have declining health
I would never ******* let you go

If you ever wanna commit suicide
Just know you would be killing me too
It'd leave me so ****** up on the inside  
I swear to god I don't know what I'd do

If you ever wanna pull the plug
Think back to all of our memories
And how I'd probably start abusing drugs
Trying to free myself from the misery

So if you really wanna die
Remember that I love you
If that won't keep you alive
I guess I should off myself too

Just as Juliet did for Romeo
So they could be finally be together
No longer would I feel the pain of woe
Because i'd be with you forever

It's been 1 year, 3 months & 1 day
And our paths have finally crossed again
I'm speechless without knowing what to say
But I know I don't want this feeling to end

One day we laid together in your bed
And that's when you closed your eyes
In that moment no words were said
Yet I had to hold in all of my overdue cries

I smiled as I looked at your face
And I felt so relieved and complete  
That I finally had to no longer chase
The boy I was so desperate to remeet

Rather than crying I chose to lay
Next to my favorite person ever
I held him close, eager to relish this day
I swear nothing has ever felt better

I haven't forgotten about you
Even with all this time apart
I still want the things I said I do
There's still so much love in my heart

I should've move on a while ago
But when I love, I love for good
It's a lot easier said than done you know
I mean I'd let go if I only could

Maybe apart of me doesn't want to
Because I'll lose you for good
There's never been anyone like you
Who can do the things that you could

I don't mean to come off as pathetic
But I refuse to believe this is the end
Has all this obsessing made me lovesick?
I can't bear to just be your friend

I know it's been sometime
Since our eyes last locked
My heart now only pines
It mourns like it's been shot

Do you remember the things you once said?
All the promises that you made?
To be honest they've never left my head
Cuz I don't want that part of you to fade

Have you gotten rid of me?
Have you wiped me clear from your mind?
Was it just as easy as it was to leave?
Have you truly left me behind?

I wonder if your eyes still know me
I wonder if they'd recognize my face
I wonder if they'd water if they saw me
I wonder if I've even left a trace
I wonder if I'm in your veins
I wonder if you've gone insane
I wonder if you can still feel me
I wonder if you even miss me
I wonder if you wonder about me
I wonder if you wonder how I feel
I wonder if you even give a ****
I wonder if our love is even real

Did you find someone new?
Does she do things for you I couldn't do?
Do you love her like you loved me?
Is the future something you can actually see?

Or have you strayed because you couldn't stay
What we had was difficult especially from far away
The distance killed us, 3000 miles is steep
But I thought our love was un breakable and that deep

Maybe your just trying to **** time while you wait
For me to come move to LA, so we can finally date
Or maybe you're doing you, not thinking about tomorrow
Unlike me whose thoughts are consumed with sorrow

Not sure if that was the first and last time we'd be together
But my heart says otherwise it says it'll get better
I hope I'm not delusional, drunk and blinded by love
Because I don't want to forget and put this under the rug

I meant it when I said I'd love you forever
I wonder if you even miss us being together
I know that's all my heart is anticipating
I just hope you still are too, eager and waiting

I wanna be boring with you
I wanna be in the corner at a party with you
I wanna not even accept the invitation
I wanna be spooky
I wanna be shadey
I want people to wonder about us because we give them nothing
I just want to be the only one you care enough to let in
So deeply inside and invested in all your life and what you have to offer
and what you're capable of contributing to the world
I want to be the one that gets you and understands the ******* craziness and unexplainable
cuz let's face it a lot of life is
I want to be the one you look back on photos with
I want us to be in those photos from beginning to end of everything
I wanna be boring to everyone but the only ******* thing that makes sense to you

Is this it? Is this where it all ends?
Funny, I thought I'd never see the day
Where I'm too afraid to even hit "send"
I wish we could stop and hit replay

I remember how it used to be
Beautiful, magical, innocent and pure
I'd even sneak out for us to meet
Now you've changed the locks on your door

I know long distance isn't easy
But we made a pact to stay strong
I guess you've forgotten that quickly
I guess my heart was wrong

I know our love could be everything
And more if you only just remember
That I'm still here and hurting
Still counting down until December

I want to finally seal the deal
And soon move away to you
Without you this can't be real
So will you be there if I do?

Two people
Two hearts
Two states

FaceTime
Text
Voice memos

Laughing
Crying
Indifferent

I miss you
I love you
I need you

Hello
Goodbye
Comeback

Sometimes your words scare me
Even before they leave your mouth
I fear something I don't want to see
Resulting my heart to plummet south

Have you begin to understand
The spell you have me under?
Falling in love is not what I planned
But I hold white flags that say I surrender

Now I know why people fear love
Because of all that they could lose
Thats precisely why I hug you so snug
To leave a mark, an impact, a bruise

Like the one you left on my heart
That will be difficult to ever erase
But I never want to forget that part
To which no one can take that place

Remember the next time you touch me
That it means more than you'll ever know
Remember that you were my first "we"
Remember I don't ever wanna let you go

One minute you were here
The next you were gone
I try hard not to shed tears
But I feel less of our bond

**** distance and the space
That separates our two souls
I miss your voice and your face
So much it's begun to take a toll

I need the truth and no lies
When you return will i feel pain?
When I look into your eyes
Will the love still be the same?

Promise me that it will
That the love will have grown
You'll be in love with me still
And return to all that I've known

Everyday it's nothing new
I force myself to make it through
I go to bed just to wake up
To be that much closer to your touch

How'd you get so far away
Did you ever think there'd come a day
Where you'd willingly look me in the eye
Pack your bags and tell me goodbye

I need you to come back to me
I ******* wish you could only see
How torn I am bc it's not the same
But you're the last I want to blame

Maybe our love can't be smooth
Maybe that's too easy of a move
Maybe it's all a test just to beat
Maybe that's all there is to defeat

One day we'll say goodbye to goodbyes
Have less of the lows, & more of the highs
We'll forget the past & just restart
One day when we're no longer apart

I was far from done exploring you
Actually I had only just begun to
I yearned to memorize your body
And to look beyond what I see

So far, behind your glistening eyes
And the weary, alchemistic disguise
I wanted us to be broken down
Understand each other without making a sound

Satisfaction is not someone I know
Whenever I'm close it decides to go
It's hard to move on from what could've been
But it's easy to take losses when you never win

I wish we had more time
I'm sorry I had to go
To think of our magic colliding
We could've been unstoppable

Wanted to be your baby
So much it drove me crazy
It made me dream of your strong hands
And what it'd be like if you were my man

You made me feel like a star
Your affection was the best by far
I wanted nobody else but you
I wanted my dreams to come true

I think of us being together someday
Call me a fool but you know what I'd say?
That I ****** up but I'm glad that you're mine
And how good things just take space and time

I didn't want the opportunity to go
But I honestly didn't even know
That you'd make me fall for you
It was all so refreshing and brand new

You made me feel things I never had
You made me forget that I should feel bad
But our love was tainted from the start
Though it was hard to run once you got ahold of my heart

I wanted you so much, I wanted us to be
Yet in the back of my mind I knew I should flee
The clock struck midnight and you never got my name
I should've known from the start, love is a losing game

Can you master a drug?
Can you abuse a drug so much you learn the insides and outs?
You know when the high will start and end?
The way it feels when it bends?
The tricks, the twirls it's plays inside?
To try to scare and make you cry?
Can you ever be one step ahead it
And leap before it does?

Taking sips
Wating at least a min before each
Because the *** is so strong
The leftover liquid burns my mouth
Drinking to try and forget you
Smoking to try and forget you
But oddly enough these only make me
Miss you more
Want you more
Crave you more
I don't know how to stop

The leaves lost their luster
The grass burnt out dry
The flowers attempted to cluster
And the skies face went wry

The clouds turned to grey
The birds lost their voice
The night enveloped the day
To which it gave in without a choice

Crows cackled and flew about
Sinfully eager for this date
Innocent shrieks were viewed as touts
All known as mans destructive fate

My poems for you ****
I can't write how I feel
I mean I know I can
But **** doesn't sound real
It's funny 'cuz in my head
I know just how it goes
But once I spit it on paper
My thoughts just don't flow
If we were in person
It'd be easier to show you
Because I don't need to think
My body knows just what to do

I feel like I'm hearing the world very peacefully and delicately. Like everything is so
Little and fragile but I hear it all at once like god does when we all pray
I compared our life's to the snowfall. In the beginning we are all the starting snow and we are young and new then we become older and older until we are the bottom snow and die and then spread and then they recycling and starting over aka the new generation being born

It feels like a sin
To crave you this much
It comes from deep in
Beyond where'd you touch
It hides in my bones
And creeps in my heart
It takes me to zones
I don't know where to start
Your presence is a mess
But something's clear
The tug in my chest
Means I need you here

The first time we kissed you tasted of cigarettes
The last time we kissed I didn't know it would be the last time
And here I am a chain smoker trying to relive the feeling I got
And you wonder why I'm addicted

I'm sitting here and I'm crying
All night long
Being forced to write these stupid songs
As if they help us move along

No you're wrong
So wrong

You expect to me just get over you
As if you weren't my whole world
You think I can just be whole again
Well I'm not that strong of a girl

No I'm a human being
Whose breaking down
My chest is open
I'm on ground

My knees are discolored and bruised
My eyes are red
And I wish I was dead
Because I don't wanna live without you

My bed lingers of cigarettes
And my head is reeling
It's too **** late to try to figure out what i'm feeling

Stupid little letters
Formed into stupid little words
That has a stupid little meaning
That we always don't mean
But there isn't a better way to express ourselves

I never really understood why people say music saves lives. But I do now. Ever since my dad told me to take my headphones out so he could talk to me. I was so angry and I felt like a child who just had their favorite toy taken away. I didn't realize how often I have been clinging on to my music ever since ...ya know...and it's really doing itself justice and making me feel better. When I don't want to be bothered by anyone music is here to comfort me and help me forget. It takes me to another world, of rhythm and beats and chords and for a while I'm isolated from everyone else and I couldn't be happier or anymore at peace.

It was nice
Very nice and intriguing
To see how our bodies work
to listen to your breathing

And your steady heartbeat
That mine sometimes became insynch
I tried to clear my mind
I attempted not to think

At that moment i was yours
I surrendered to your spell
I hope my smile proved it
I hope that you could tell

That I wanted you so badly
My heart beats were vast
My palms started to perspire
I just wanted it to last

At 3am I thought I couldn't live without you
But now at 5pm going the entire day without speaking to you
Is somewhat liberating and free
And reassuring bc ik I don't need anyone to make me whole

I can't formulate sentences
My hands are shaky
My palms sweaty
Hot salty tears fall from my eyes
My head is realing
I just want to throw up
And cry and throw a dish or two

The thought of my bare body against yours
Sends quivers down my spine
The thought of you with someone else
Hurts me because I claim you as mine

The thought of our tongues wrestling together
Makes me wish we could do it now
If i could i'd go on forever
In due time i hope to make a vow

The thought of you looking me in the eyes
And not just any ol way but
With the puppy dog looking smize
Leaving me speechless w/o anything to say

The thought of you inside me
Makes me almost faint
It wouldn't be just regular ***
We'd be making love point blank

Yes I'd be extremely nervous
But I know you'll be kind
And try to make it worthwhile
Since it would be my first time

The thought of us getting married
Seems a lot like a dream
A ring symbolizing that I'm yours forever
It'd mean the world to me

But as you know I tend to drift off a lot
These will probably never happen but it's just a thought