Your guiding hands are always there
To catch me when I fall.
Soft combs through my tangled hair
Hugs, a protective wall.

Your strength's a roaring lioness,
Your heart burning so bright,
Fighting through the crushing stress.
You burn away the night

Black and blue marks
On my arm—
Ink, of course. What else?
Words, thoughts, feelings, fears
Written, smudged, then erased.
Leftover streaks,
They wash away
With a smidge of soap and water.
And yet…
I can’t help but remember
When I wrote
With mechanical pencils
And staple bullets
Instead of ballpoint pens
And gel ones.
When I watched the ink,
A gorgeous shade of rubies,
Trickle
Down to my wrist
Like a rivulet of lava.
Now, the fire has long faded
Leaving white ashes
That won’t come off

It's funny how
It's easier to open my skin
Then to open my mouth
And ask for help

Always searching
For a reason

Always looking
For a sign

Always seeking
For an answer

Always hunting
All my life

But…

What If
I’m the one who’s lost?

What if
I need to be found?

What if
I’m the one who’s dying?

What if
I’m the one who’s drowned?

Nah… that’s impossible

Ping
4 unread messages from contact: Cookie Monster

Ping ping
173 unread messages from group chat: cat gang

Ping ping ping ping
392 unread messages from group chat: secret society

I'm drowning
In the words
Toomuchtoomuchtoomuch
Shutting down...

Mute chats?
Yes
Mark all as read?
Yes

Click

As I grow older
There were more big problems
Overshadowing the small ones
And so I stopped tending to those small things

Like brushing teeth
Or going for walks
Or bathing
Or eating
Or sleeping

Huh… I think I might be dying

Measure every word,
Every use of punctuation,
Every emoticon and emoji
Down to the smallest gram

Think twice. No--
Thirteen times,
Before opening your mouth.
And dont talk too much or you're self centred

Check every message, comment.
Nothing too harsh
Nothing insensitive
Nothing that might scare them away
Or tarnish their view of you

Write
Delete
And rewrite
Then quickly send before you chicken out

If I speak my mind
Behind a blank mask,
I do not own the thought
I do not speak my mind

Lost and lonely I drift

Wandering through hazy days

Looking for the chubby little fingers

That used to tug me around with laughter

I love you

As a child
I hid under my covers,
Fearing the monsters of the night
Lurking beneath my bed.

But now they live in my mind,
Crawling through the cracks,
Festering— even in the sun’s warmth.

No blanket can shield me.
No lamp, no lullaby.

I close my eyes
But still, they linger.

Stuck in a time loop
Of endless days with only false ends in sight
Filled with papers
That cut me up and down
Till I’m once again a coward
Wanting the easy escape
Just to break the cycle
Just to make the pain stop
Forever

Tick... tock...
Tick... tock...
Silent, the world sleeps
Tick... tock...
Tick... tock...
Stars observe the veil of days
Tick... tock...
Tick... tock...
As child watched from bed
Tick... tock...
Tick... tock...

Can't eat
Can't sleep
Can't stop crying
Can't breathe
Can't live
Can't do dying
Can't write
Can't read
Can't scream aloud
Can't choose
Can't break
Can't shut down
Can't fly
Can't fall
Can't let them know
Can't speak
Can't stay
But still can't go

Seashells hold echos
Of life beneath waves
Hold one to your ear;
Listen, can you hear their story?

Rest did not come find me last night
Instead I laid wide awake staring at the ceiling

Now exhaustion sits on my shoulder
Smirking and taunting me

So I pop a coffee sweet
Bitter alertness rolls over my tongue

But exhaustion returns, a sly fox
Dragging my eyelids down, stealing my strength

So I take another sweet
This one just as bitter as the last

The day crawls by and once again,
The wold is getting fuzzy…

Another one swallowed
And soon, I’ll need to buy a new supply

My head’s
Six feet
Underwater

I’m trying
Hard
Not to drown

Bubbles
Trailing
From my lips

You’re
The air
Keeping me alive

Birds fly
So do I--
Lifted by your hands.
Paper *****,
Wrestled falls,
Laughter with no end.

Scars earned,
Lessons learned,
Gearing me for life.
Always here,
Support clear,
Pillar of my life.

Roses are red
And so is my blood
You made cuts romantic
But it’s not called love

The claps
Explode inside my ears, thundering blanks of noise
The cheers and chatter
Whispers
Mutters
Rush into my ears like seawater, and I can't help but drown...
Static.
Static everywhere, wires zinging and zapping,
Skewer my brain and blend it into froth
Pouring out of my eyes as I squeeze them shut.
And as the frost rushes through my spine, into my lungs,
Curling its claws around my throat,
My screams for silence are just that.

I fear not the freezing nights on my lonesome
Nor the sad return to an empty house
Nor the burn of the blazing sky
Nor the voices berating
(They don’t exist)
Nor the dark

Why?
For you are here
To save me from myself
And take me to another world
One where we can live in our memories
Memories we call safe, and safe is what you are

I can’t seem to name
This feeling

Not hunger—
I had breakfast.
Not fatigue—
I slept a full 8 hours last night.
Not laziness—
PE was today
Not stress—
Exams are over. For now.
Not sadness—
But not happiness either.
Not fear—
My heart beats slow.
Not loneliness—
I’m surrounded by people.
Not guilt—
I’ve done nothing wrong
Not peace—
This fog doesn’t count
Not confusion—
I don’t care right now

I can't solve anything

Not my life, or theirs
I can't bring back the missing

Can't hold them as they cry
Can't do anything right
Can't say the right things

Even if you say I do
Cause I know
I know you'll never look at me
The way you look at him

I'm
Just
Backup
The second best
Option

T h e   d a y s   s e e m   t o o   l o n g
A  n  d     t  h  e     y  e  a  r  s     e  v  e  n      l  o  n  g  e  r

Funny how quickly
A life can be-

Spooky little white lights
Dancing out at sea
Deep beneath the waves and
Underneath the breeze

Little lonely lovers
Sit under moonlight
Waters stretch between them
The other not in sight

Shattered little glass shards
Glinting on the beach
Sands of time has smoothed them
Safe enough to keep

Boats and ships a-rowing
Rocking to and fro
Lost to far horizons
Wherever they may go

The biggest shall protect the small
That’s how the doll’s life goes
Lies that cover up the truth
So weakness does not show
And even if you think you know
What really lies within
Another face laughs mockingly
In secret with a grin
Each one is different, yet the same
With layers stripped and worn
Who can tell what’s real from fake
With this ever changing form?
I realise now, they are not masks
Nor lies or false facades
Instead they are a spirit, whole
Made up of different parts

You came
Like a thrush;
Swiftly over the soft hills of powdered snow

And landed
On my shoulder
Perching on me as snowflakes dusted my hair

Then you left
In a single breath
Leaving me behind to face the avalanche, alone once more

When my tears dry
And my sobs cease
Do not mistake it for me calming down.
I've simply realised that you cannot hear my screams
And will say everything but the words I need to hear

When my tears stop
And my sobs fall silent
Do not think I'm doing better.
It just means I've changed the locks
And will continue to break where your gaze won't wander

When my tears shatter
And my sobs lose breath
You will hear everything in that silence
For the ending will be laid out before you
In a casket that will echo my story

The puppet said to the sun,
“Never shine upon me.”
And then it said to the clouds,
“Do not hide me from the light.”
And then it gnashed its teeth at the sky, saying,
“I never asked to be seen
I never asked to be hidden
I only asked to be free.”

From young, we play--
Tiny hands, big dreams

Then they hand us books,
And say, study hard.
Why?
So we can work in the future.

Why work? To enjoy.
Then work more
To enjoy a little more.

A loop,
Endless and spinning

So I say good riddance!
I denounce this life and laugh in its face.
It has no meaning.
Not unless you give it one.

The world can give you a hundred reasons.
But none of them are yours
Write your own answer.

As a child I wondered what it'd be like to be an angel
Soaring through the heavens on white feathers, playing golden harps in tune with the whistling of the wind.

And so I stepped onto flightless wings and let their hands guide me to the skies.
I looked up,
Up to where the the clouds floated
Where the winds lifted my hair with mischief and whispered songs of freedom
Where the ground was but a memory miles away
Where my fingertips felt like they could touch the infinite blue

...

Now, as I fall, I think mournfully to myself
What a childish dream it was, to think I could ever leave the shackles of the ground

And yet...
And yet
I find myself 10 again
Waiting for the next brush of heaven

just you and me,
tucked in midnight's fold,
sharing the day
in murmurs only we hear

Danger!
Danger from above
We scatter like mice
Running for the shadows
Lest your paws come down on us from above
And imprison us
We hide our faces and our claws,
Crossing our fingers over our lives,
Waiting till you finally rest
So we can breathe

Aren’t you glad frozen smiling faces
Are beaming up at you?
Offering rotting daisies with trembling hands
Noses twitching with fear

The days of truth or dare
Sparked then faded
Into smoke

Daily
Turned to scarcely
And helplessly
I watched you flicker

Things were just getting better
You came back!
Then disappeared
All together

Now
I watch the suicide numbers
Rise
And fear that you’re one of them

I never wished you happy birthday
That Sunday
Like I promised I would
Did I?

Like a sheep
Following the shepherd
He left this world
And returned to Heaven

May he rest in peace

I wear
Mismatched socks—
yellow and blue.
Tie my hair off-center,

A quiet defiance
Against the perfection
Society demands

They call it chaos.
I call it freedom.
To me,
Imperfections are beautiful.

When you kissed me
I tasted him on your lips
You didnt say it
But I knew:
I was always just backup

There is a child
Who follows everywhere I go.
Late at night I hear him crying,
Yet my family stirs not.

When he cries,
I’m bound in a straightjacket,
stitched with silence
and the things I don’t know how to say.

I tell him to stop,
But he never listens.
So I muffle his sobs with a pillow
And hide him beneath my blanket

Sometimes he comes out during the day
Wailing for all the world to hear.
I tape his mouth shut
And wait until his tears won't be seen

Water listens, acknowledging the pain
It washes and cleans the wounds lightly,
Soothes and calms,
Like a burbling brook to sit next to.

But blood…

Blood is thick and heavy.
It leaves a taste of copper in my mouth
Even after my head resurfaces and I can breathe again.
It stains and flows from cuts, tearing my stitches

And the child cursed the sun
For killing the moon and stars