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Jan 2021 · 318
resonating thought #1
little lion Jan 2021
she may be my soulmate,
but what if
I'm not hers?
Jan 2021 · 253
choices
little lion Jan 2021
it took two months for me to devote my love and loyalty to you.
despite knowing that you had someone who devoted seven year's worth,
I stayed ready, waiting, and hoping to be chosen for once,
just once I want to be somebody's devotion.

seven years, and this is the first time your devotion to her has wavered...
but despite the knowledge that there are other hearts at stake, my devotion to you stands tall and firm and... uncaring.

uncaring that your devotion lies elsewhere, uncaring that the late night promises made weren't truly for me but were simply missteps on your path of uncertainty, uncaring that you were not holding me to hold me, but holding someone because you were not able to hold her, uncaring that making me fall in love with you was nothing more than the result of your misguided attempt to find the romance and intimacy that you thought you had lost with her,
only to realize that you had to make a choice...
and that I wouldn't be chosen.
Jan 2021 · 621
Expenses
little lion Jan 2021
Is there really such a thing as "free time?"
How can there be, when an hour spent practicing "self care" costs two hours of frantic writing and googling to finish an assignment due that very same day,
when a day taken off of work costs two days worth of unpaid overtime to catch up on the overload,
when a week spent recovering from another plunge into depression costs two more to find any semblance of order again.

When did it become shameful to "stop and smell the roses?" When did we stop encouraging "family time" and start encouraging forty-hour work weeks? When did "taking a break" become synonymous with "being lazy" and "hard work" become synonymous with "overworking?"

If making ends meet costs us our time,
then what's the price of Happiness?
Sustaining a life shouldn't be this hard.
Dec 2020 · 171
future
little lion Dec 2020
When is it my turn?
19 and living on borrowed time...
where is my happiness, my success?
Where is my devotion and love?
Where is my someone to hold me through the nights and support me through the days?

When will my future come?
For years they promised I'd look back on these "glory days" with nothing but fond remembrances,
but what if I want to forget?
little lion Dec 2020
wordswordswordswordswordswordswords flood my brain when I see you;
words of thanks,
words of care,
words of love...
but every time I see you, those words are blocked by the dam of thoughtsthoughtsthoughtsthoughtsthoughtsthoughtsthoughts of the past;
thoughts of our afternoons spent together,
thoughts of our plans and promises,
thoughts of us.
then my smile quickly fades once I start to remember the painpainpainpainpainpainpain that it caused...
the pain of the lies,
the pain of the longing,
the pain of knowing that those words, those thoughts, this pain is the only part of you that will ever be mine.
I'm trying so hard to convince myself that I'm over it, but there's still some of me that misses what we shared...
Dec 2020 · 140
Understanding
little lion Dec 2020
sometimes we break.

take those broken pieces
and rebuild a mosaic of
love
laughter
hurt
beauty
pain
truth.

nothing is more beautiful than the truth.
Nov 2020 · 554
back to before
little lion Nov 2020
It's nights like these that make feelings of regret creep out of the shadows,
they come in through the cracks in the walls and the space beneath the door and crawl into the crevices in my bones and the pockets of space in my heart that used to be filled by you.

I wrap myself in the words you used to say, reread the messages you used to write and surround myself with the gifts you used to send back when I thought I was special...
back when you made me feel special.

It's nights like these when I can't help but imagine how much warmer I would be if I was in your arms, how much easier I would sleep knowing that I'd be waking up to you: your smile, your jokes, your touch...

But instead of sleeping, my mind continues to replay the moments,
the days,
the weeks,
the weeks and the ******* the months that led to this point, my mind is stuck trying to decipher where things went wrong and trying to determine how we got here and trying to find a way to ask "can we go back?"



I want to go back.
Nov 2020 · 546
counting
little lion Nov 2020
how many drinks does it take
to reach a clarity that will last
through the buzz?
how many until I wake up
feeling the same euphoria
that I thought I could only feel
when I was with you?
the one that made happiness thrum in my veins and a smile blinding like sunlight stretch across my face,
how do I get that without you?
I still sleep with your sweatshirt.
Nov 2020 · 342
free falling
little lion Nov 2020
It's too cold at night,
I'm searching for your warmth.
I stumble through the dark,
I just want to be alright.

I'm searching for your warmth,
I wake up alone.
I just want to be alright,
but you have made your choice.

I wake up alone,
I'm exhausted and I'm cold
but you have made your choice,
now I am on my own.

I'm exhausted and I'm cold,
I stumble through the night.
Now I am on my own.
It's too cold at night.
Oct 2020 · 338
12 years of friendship
little lion Oct 2020
I never would have thought that you,
of all people,
would pull a vanishing act on me.

I guess I should have realized
after 12 years of second, third, fourth chances
that you're no different than the rest.
Oct 2020 · 1.0k
self sabotage
little lion Oct 2020
I knew from the ******* start
it would go no further than what it was.
There would be no dates,
no hand-holding,
no declarations of love while sitting under a beautiful sunset at 7:02pm on a Sunday.

Those things are her's,
have been her's for seven years
and probably will be for seven more.

But **** did you make it seem as though
I was worthy of those things,
that I could hold your hand,
and take you on dates,
and tell you that I love you under a beautiful sunset at 7:02pm on a Sunday.

And **** did it hurt, **** does it hurt that
you gave me something so new, something so strong that I forgot what I knew from the ******* start:

you can never love me. you don't want to love me. you WILL never love me.

I was just for fun,
but she's for forever.
I knew I couldn't do casual, and I ended up exactly where I knew I would if I tried.
Oct 2020 · 166
desperate for answers
little lion Oct 2020
God, what did I do to deserve such a
lonely and hallow existence,
trudging along such a dreary path
with a soul so heavy and beaten
that it is too hard to love?





Why am I so hard to love?
Oct 2020 · 490
out
little lion Oct 2020
out
I want to come out.
I want to walk out and slam the door behind me
with whatever variation of a rainbow flag
billowing in the wind as I walk past.

I want to be out.
I want to be me and do so shamelessly
without fear of judgement or dislike
from people who may disagree

I wish I was out.
But I don't even know what I am
I want be yours and yours alone,
but there's no flag for that

I wish I was yours...
you have my mind and body and soul
but I'm just here on the side,
because you are still hers.
I wish you would choose me.
Feb 2020 · 358
Dust
little lion Feb 2020
This morning, the world woke up without me.
Daylight crested above the trees, where bird-songs filled the crisp winter air and squirrels began scurrying through frost-bitten yards.
                                                          ­                                Neighbors went about their day, putting children on school buses before bustling themselves to work. The mailman came and left, dropping off packages filled with useless purchases and magazine subscriptions that sit piled in corners, gathering dust.
Hallways filled with swarms of students eager for the final bell. Lockers slammed and classroom seats filled, my desk being the only one left empty
                                                           ­                               (second row from the front, farthest to the right or left, whichever was opposite of the door. Perfect view of the clock, the whiteboard, the teacher, and everyone who entered and exited the room.)
Emails went unanswered, books left unfinished, my room left untouched... a thin layer of dust began to collect atop my existence that went unnoticed.
                                                      ­                                  
Unnoticed by them, unnoticed by you.
You never noticed me, and you never will.
Jan 2020 · 258
Ellipsis
little lion Jan 2020
It's funny how easy it has become
to break someone's heart.

Mere seconds of fingers flying across a keyboard
is enough to shatter their world,
and the only warning they get is
three little dots...

Then there's nothing but silence...
and they're left to pick up the pieces
of the cracks that go deeper
than just the screen.

Cracks that can't be fixed by a kiosk or by mail-order replacement.
No. These cracks...
                                                                ­             they're permanent.
Words seem to hurt more when you have to see them laying in front of you...
Jan 2020 · 233
10 pm thoughts
little lion Jan 2020
I wonder if I'll ever know what it feels like
to wake up each morning
to a life
that's actually worth living.
Jan 2020 · 168
Unreachable
little lion Jan 2020
You'd think that by now, I would know better than to fall for someone like you; that my heart would have realized falling for someone so unreachable was foolish. You'd think that years of heartbreak and betrayal would have taught me that some people are simply meant to be alone... that I'm simply meant to be
alone.

You'd think I'd know better than to try and make myself beautiful for you, that years of failed attempts to cover my flaws with foundation and mascara would have been enough. That I'd have realized by the third time that words of love are just words of lies; that love is only given to those who deserve it... and that I don't
deserve it.

I thought I knew better; knew that my dreams of a happily ever after were no more than the dreams of a naive schoolgirl, pining after a man that would never exist... a man that would never love her.
Knew that Sunday mornings spent curled up with the love of your life were only for those who didn't have to try, that love was supposed to be effortless.
Knew that I would never be, will never be the one anyone wants, that my soul was too tainted and imperfect to have a mate. That somebody like you was just a fantasy.

But you're here...and ever so unreachable.
Nov 2018 · 258
Self-Love is Blind
little lion Nov 2018
I fear that I may never see the
Beauty
that others claim to see in me.
I fear that I will never wake up and be Proud
of the woman that my mirror reflects.
I fear that I will never be good enough to Succeed
at the things that I love.

There is nothing I want more
Than to be able to love myself
The way that you claim to.

But I cannot see
What is not truly there...
Apr 2018 · 285
Before
little lion Apr 2018
I wish I could go back the days when
I was more than just a victim,
those days filled with frontflips on trampolines and playdates with friends
never seemed so important

Now the time just passes
ticking by like clockwork
while I sit here waiting for the scars to
heal so that
maybe
I can at least
look
the way I did before.
Feb 2018 · 4.1k
lonely
little lion Feb 2018
sleepless nights
sleepless night
sleepless nigh
sleepless nig
sleepless ni
sleepless n
sleepless
sleeples
sleeple
sleepl
sleep
slee
sle
sl
s
sl
sle
sl­ee
sleep
sleepi
sleepin
sleeping
sleeping a
sleeping al
sleeping alo
sleeping alon
sleeping alone
sleeping alone.
Feb 2018 · 187
things i’m not
little lion Feb 2018
happy
skinny
lovely
kind
strong
brave
pretty
sweet
smart
creative­

yours.
I’m tired.
Jan 2018 · 281
empty promises
little lion Jan 2018
im sick of waiting for you
to
fulfill the promises
that you’ve already broken

stop acting like you want to fix things.
you’ve done
too much
damage already.
Jan 2018 · 1.4k
not contagious
little lion Jan 2018
i am not the kind of sick
that leaves the body flushed
at 104 degrees
in the middle of the winter.

                                                               ­                  i am not the kind of sick
                                                            ­                         that causes every breath
                                                          ­          to force
                                                           ­         its way

                                                               ­    back up

                                                             yo­ur throat
                                                          ­             while dragging razor blades
along the inside of your neck.

                       i am not even the kind of sick
                       that comes with a vaccination
                                  or an antibiotic
                            that will chase it away.
no.
                                                                ­                          i am the kind of sick
that leaves you locked in
the bathroom during class
because you can't seem to stop the
             flow of tears
                       running
                               down
                                     your face.

i am the kind of sick
that leaves your hands
sweating
and your voice
shaking
when it's your turn to order dinner
at the diner you've been to
a thousand times.
                                            
                                             i am the kind of sick
                                         that leaves you feeling

l o n e l y
                                              in a crowded room
                                           filled with the people you've
                                           known your whole life.

i am the kind of sick                                                                  ­                                that nobody sees
                                        because it's all in my head
                                      and cannot be cured.
mental health is just as important as physical health. take care of yourself.
Jan 2018 · 340
physical
little lion Jan 2018
my bones are slowly          
                              b  r  e  a  k  i  ­n  g
                                              a     p     a     r     t
without your T  O  U  C  H
to hold them together.

your lips sealed my fate like g l u e
my body is     s    t    u    c    k
waiting and
waiting and
waiting and
w a i t i n g

for you to come back and fix me
Jan 2018 · 393
end of a revolution
little lion Jan 2018
Each morning she took two pills with her breakfast. Both were little capsules, the first one a nasty tan color and the second half white and half blue. They went down easy, followed by a glass of water before the bottles were placed back on the shelf for the next day.
One is for the anxiety, the other is for the depression. She takes them dutifully every day, for without them she is plagued with the kind of darkness that makes your blood run cold and the walls feel like they’re beginning to swallow you inside.
But with them, it is not much brighter. The words of her mother and the insults from her father follow her through the light, casting a shadow that trails behind her. The C- on her math test and the glares from her friends feed the darkness. Each step grows heavier as the shadow grows larger and stronger.
He climbs up onto her shoulders in order to reach the high expectations and the pressure that she stands under each day. They weigh him down, which weighs her down, which leaves her dragging her feet along the pavement while begging for the sweet relief that those stupid orange bottles swear they hold.
The shadow claims her in the night, pounding away at her walls, drawing whimpers and sobs from her lips. The pain is masked by the pleasure he brings her, which is masked by her relief when she wakes up alone the next morning, and then the guilt when she finds him awaiting her presence at the kitchen table.
Two pills, followed by a glass of water and the shadow each morning. Her begging and pleading for him to leave her shatters her resolve, and one cold morning she begins to cry. She throws herself at the world, asking them to please save her from this man, save her from the pain and the fear and the darkness that’s been plaguing her for so long.
One word. Two letters. He swallows her whole.
One glass of water. Two empty bottles. Three numbers bring four sirens.
One sound. One line.
Time of death: 06:04 AM
An assignment from creative writing a couple months back...
Jan 2018 · 429
insomnia
little lion Jan 2018
I
   Am
        So
           Tired
                Of
                    The
                        Memories
                            Of
                               You
They
      Haunt
            My
                Dreams
                     And
                        Turn
                            Them
                                  Into
                                       Nightmares.
I hate sleeping alone because there’s nobody to distract me from you
Jan 2018 · 595
you
little lion Jan 2018
you
his kisses will never compare to the feeling of
your
lips brushing against my skin while
your
hands tangle themselves in my hair.

my name will never roll off of his tongue like it rolls off of
yours
when my body is molded against
yours
in the dark.

his touch will not send shivers down my spine the way
yours
always does when my hand is held by
yours
as we walk.


i’ll never love him the way i loved                                                                  ­  
you...
the way I still love                                                                        ­                      
you.

  

maybe his love for me won’t fade away like                      
yours                                 ­                     
did after you met                                            
her...
Even after everything he did, I can’t help but love him...
little lion Jan 2018
my innocence.
stolen away...
twelve years old and desperate for
the love of a boy,
too naïve to know
the difference between
love
and
lust.

my first kiss,
taken from me by a
man
who filled my throat with
drugs and
darkness,
his lips coaxing shivers of pleasure
out of my twelve year old body,
mistaking my whimpers of terror
as pleas
for more.

he took me upstairs,
for my legs no longer worked,
amputated by the drugs he filled me with,
my brain was numb
to his touch,
and it was over
before my mind had even begun
to process the
fear
and
vulnerability
that should have filled my body
in place of his
lust
and
desire.

it’s gone,
ripped
stolen
erased
from my mind and my body.
the drugs rid me of the memories
but left behind the ghost
of his touch
to come and play
in the night.
nobody will ever know what he did. I can’t even remember who he was.
Jan 2018 · 251
Resolution
little lion Jan 2018
i wish that
my demons
would burn
with the sunrise
of the new year.
Jan 2018 · 213
my best friend
little lion Jan 2018
I remember waking up next to you in the mornings, our fingers intertwined under your covers. The door would always be open, the thin curtains pushed back so that the sunlight would caress our skin until we awoke.
I remember your call when I was admitted to the hospital. Hearing your choked out sobs, the words of fear and devotion and love spilling from both of our lips.
I remember the tears we both shed after endless movie nights snuggled together in your basement. We’d fall asleep together on the floor, our bodies fused together under a mountain of blankets and stuffed animals that we shared.
I remember the feeling of your arms around me as I cried out in the dark... you swore that it was all okay and that you loved me, that things would get better in time...
God did I love you. I loved you with every single ******* fibre of my being, yet somehow that wasn't good enough. Somehow, 10 years of total devotion to you was not enough. Yet somehow you made it my fault, and I loved you so much that I let myself believe that it was true, thinking it would keep you by my side.
I still remember the day that you left me. The tears ran down my face like a river as you said goodbye to me for the last time. Your name tumbled out of my lips, a desperate plea for you to come back...
Four years later, and you’re still not sorry...
four years later, and I still am.
I miss you
Dec 2017 · 841
Tremors
little lion Dec 2017
everytime a shiver goes up my spine
I can’t help but remember your touch;
the way your fingers laced together against the curve of my back
                                                            ­            while you molded your lips
                                                                     against mine, fusing my skin to yours.

everytime I see you
I see the smile that I fell in love with
and the pool of lust in your eyes


                                    that was enough to bring
                                    me to my knees
                                    before you.

hearing your name brings me back
to our midnight conversations
in the dark,
back when                                                             love was kind                  
                                          ­           and your words planted flowers in my veins

every breath
reminds me that
after everything
                                                 I was not enough
                                             to satisfy your hunger,
that the taste of your lips
was the taste of a
desire so stale
that it could
****
me


now I lay awake
crying in the dark,
wishing for your lips
against mine.
                                                         I just want to die.
just kiss me,
just
****
me...
Dec 2017 · 991
The Truth
little lion Dec 2017
I think the saddest part of growing older
is watching everyone else find happiness
in the places that you spent years searching through
and came up empty handed
every
single
time.
little lion Dec 2017
I feel like I’m underwater;
I’m drowning in the dark.
Shaking and screaming
as the water fills my lungs.

I’m drowning in the dark,
alone and afraid.
Kicking and screaming
Against the icy water.

Alone and afraid
I long for your touch
against the icy water
to keep me warm.

I long for your touch,
caressing my skin
to keep me warm
while my body goes numb.

Caressing my skin,
the darkness wraps around me.
While my body goes numb,
my mind fills with fear.

The darkness wraps around me--
shaking and screaming,
my mind fills with fear.
I feel like I’m underwater.

— The End —