I’d rather be a pigeon
than a blue bird.
I’d rather be me, and be free,
then sit in my cage and act pretty.

you give me a paradise of feeling,
a rushing blood flow,
pounding heartbeat,
a smile as wide as the oceans.

my love for you is from east to west,
never-ending and unceasing.
it is infinitely and limitlessly untamable.
no force can pry the adoration from my hands.

your eyes are my utopia.
they contain the universe,
the dust of the stars reside in their hue,
the galaxies circulate in your gaze.

I seem to never grow tired of you,
your essence calms the storms inside of me.
tonight I listen to your voice,
and I will overdose on euphoria.

slow mornings,
soft lights.
easy touches,
sleepless nights.
steady breaths,
messy hair.
heavy eyelids,
cool air.
side-ways smiles,
delicate skin.
hushed voices,
my morning sin.

when I hear the footsteps up the stairs,
I know there’s something coming.
either a lecture, a scolding or a request,
it’s hardly not these.

just sometimes when I hear these footsteps,
I wish it’d be for good.
for them to ask about my day,
or about the boy I love.

but rather it’s a list of things I do not do.
I can’t clean right, I don’t work, I haven’t any perfect grades.
so they take the time at night,
to shame me for these ways.

I want them to come upstairs,
with smiles on their face.
to praise me for the things I do do right,
and not the things I do wrong.

I have learned:

1. your past does not define you. yesterday’s mistakes are not today’s. we can always be better.

2. be humble. do not boast in how you look or how you dress. do not brag in your talents or your skills. you can be proud, but do not become prideful. always stay kind.

3. do not let someone else define your worth, talent or value because of what they do or do not give you.

4. be patient. all good things come in time and never stop working hard in what you’re striving to achieve.

5. words and music connect us. don’t ever stop telling stories, always keep writing, always keep sharing.

6. love your friends and family hard. appreciate them everyday and never give up on them.

7. you are cherished even if you feel like you’re not seen. when you don’t think your parts matter, widen your perspective and look at the bigger picture. they can’t make it happen without you.

8. you are more than just a body or face. your heart and soul is more beautiful than any outward appearance could ever be. don’t let first impresses be limited to only physical.

9. it’s okay to show affection to those that you love. let them know how you feel, and don’t be afraid to love big.

10. hard work and determination always pay off, even if it takes a while. you will get to where you’re going if you’re diligent and passionate. don’t wait to follow your dreams.

11. laugh loud. don’t worry about what others may think of you, happiness isn’t to be confined, you’re meant to express it.

12. let yourself be loved by others. you can’t give until you’ve been filled, always let others pour into you with adorations and affections so you can do the same.

13. don’t let people look down on you because you are young, don’t let them limit your potential because of your age. your young age does mean you’re any less talented, wise or valued than those older than you.

14. be confident in who you are. there is no one else on Earth like you, be proud of the progress you’ve made.

15. being quiet is okay, being reserved does not mean you’re lacking anything. there is beauty in the silence.

16. always express yourself. express your feelings and your love. don’t repress them.

17. don’t let a set back keep you down forever. rest, recover and jump right back where you left off. work hard, practice hard.

18. love yourself and love your friends more. never stop learning and always keep growing.

some days I sit back
and wonder what it feels like to be small.
I dream of looking up to meet his gaze,
instead of him being the one to do so.
I crave the sensation of my head
burying into his chest,
feeling so secure.
But instead I settle for my chin resting
on his shoulder.
It pains me when they don’t look down to me,
when instead they’re meeting my eyes
or worse, looking up to me.

I don’t mind my tummy or my thighs that touch.
My round cheeks and hips don’t bother me.
It’s only my tall height that gets me down,
that makes me feel so self-conscious.
I’ve cried and cried and cried,
prayed and prayed and prayed,
that some day I’ll wake up in a new body.
A smaller body, one just four inches shorter.
So I can hear his heartbeat drum in my ear,
so I can look up to meet his gaze.
So that I can feel secure and not uncomfortable.
Maybe one day I can accept,
but for now I just want to feel small.

the water lapped about my waist,
the coolness stung my skin.
I sat upright on the shore, eyes closed,
my body taking in the feeling.

I felt the sand seep around me,
stick to my limbs and cling to me.
I focused on my breathing and my heartbeat,
I listened closely to the noise that surrounded.

I heard the waves hit the bank,
I flinched at the occasional siren, and prayed for the safety of those it aided.
I counted car horns and footsteps.
I tuned out any voice in my head.

Becoming one with the river,
forming as one into the earth,
I sat still on the banks of the water,
in a city where the river ran through it.

I long to feel your warm skin envelope me,
I crave to breathe in your scent and feel at home.
chills arise on my body at the thought of your arms pulling me close to you,

my chest aches when I think of it...

I shudder at your voice mumbling a vast “I love you”, it sets my soul on fire, it also ices my heart.
It’s a fickle feeling, this one about you.

You’re a first love, though not mine, you are to many. I like to pretend you’re mine.
Your very essence provides shelter and escape for a plethora of souls, mine being one,

and it is not right...

I know this full well,
I struggle day in and out,
to find my worth in myself and the one above,
but my fleshly blood wants you.

I shouldn’t,
and I can’t.
Praise God that I can’t have you,
or else my soul would be sold to you.

I see chocolate,
in your eyes and in your hair.

I taste the cocoa on your lips,
and trace my fingers down to your hips.

you’re intoxicating, you’ve left me tipsy.
a winsome smile painted ear to ear.

the way you stood so tall and proud,
shining more light than the night allowed,
left me breathless.

your coffee-coloured features awoke me,
giving me my strength and energy.
and your tranquil gaze swept me off my feet.

your alluring charm is irresistible.
something one may say is fictional,
but to me you’re completely real.

I’ve handled worse than this.
I didn’t bend when I should’ve broke,
I didn’t slip when I should’ve fell.
Holding my head high I faced my giants,
even with a heavy heart I still fought.

I question if it’s me that’s the problem,
being so blind, oblivious.
things don’t make sense sometimes,
I try to figure it out and I come up empty handed.
I can never fully grasp why.

I’ve carried a much heavier weight between my ribs,
my heart has broken so much worse,
so why is it that this time I shrug my shoulders?
not to brush it off, but embrace it?
I’ve finally learned without conflict there’s no peace.

We learn through our riots the meaning of calm.
Without them would it be as sacred?
Would our peace be as precious if it’s all we’d ever known?
Learning to not take for granted our sunshine is the first step in accepting the rain.
To run from war at first, means you can’t appreciate the freedom after.

we come out of the night that leaves us blinded,
crawling on our hands and knees,
searching for an effective escape.

it’s all black on black, a dream in a dream.
we fall into the trap, we’re pulled into the chain.
our hearts put up a facade.

racing towards an undefined finish line,
we’ll find our passion and our purpose,
we’ll become the real ones.

so much is clouded in our thoughts.
diving into unknown territory, waters so deep.
how do we know this is our mission?

are we who we present ourselves as?

do we fit into the mold?

(I will open my eyes, find my seventh sense,
and breathe)

this summer has been for insomnia.
nights where sleep cannot plague me,
and only music fills my ears.
at least I have found my company,
people to keep me at ease while I lay awake.
they see the sun, while I see the moon.
an ocean apart, one sunrise ahead of me.
it seems surreal that when I lay my head to rest,
they’re busy-ing themselves with a day.
though I’m happy they keep me company,
I’m grateful they bring a form of peace.
in their voice is familiarity.
their words can soothe me, because I know their voices so well.
their calming features helps my stiff muscles relax,
their sweet lullabies rock my gently.
insomnia is disheartening,
but it’s bearable when you have their company.

If I were to tell someone I was abused, I feel at first they would not believe me. They would demand to see the bruises, read the proof, look at the prescription.

But one thing society does not understand is that emotional and psychological abuse doesn’t have a word-for-word textbook definition. It can vary from person to person. What may be traumatic for one, may be harmless to another.

It’s because of this very concept that I’m lacking the help I need. I’m having to help myself deal with the burdens I can hardly even carry. Reminding myself that “I’m safe.” and there’s no way that they can get to me anymore is draining and exhausting.

My own parents would laugh at the idea of my suffering. I hate the thought but it’s how I feel. They would say, “but it’s been so long. you need to get over it already. it’s fine.” but what is it they don’t understand?

Forget the rhyme of “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Words go deeper than any cut, actions linger than a broken bone, so why can’t they for once open their eyes and see that their daughter is broken inside?

Can they not see past my smiles and happiness? Even a happy person has scars too. Even a confident soul has burdens to carry. No one escapes from that fact of life.

I’m the happiest I’ve been in my life after I left you. But the things you did to me still hurt. And just because I’m the best I’ve ever been, does not mean I’m excluded from pain, and denied help.

I was never one to listen to love songs,
I never had a reason to.
but the moment I laid eyes on you,
I longed to take in the lyrics in the dark,
with my fluttering heart and a great-big smile plastered on my face.
you made me a sappy school girl,
foolish and in love.
giddy and full of day dreams.
you made my summertime filled with sunshine,
your smile lit up the room,
and I wish we could both say “I do.”

tonight I finally heard your voice.
the voice I’ve been curious about,
a sound I tried to create and imagine in my head, but none of my attempts compared to it.
it was more than I could’ve ever thought.
it was soft, it was smooth,
laced in control and humble superiority.
a voice my heart will sing for,
a song my mind will race because of.
I long to hear the chorus,
I yearn for it to be more,
but I will take what I can get.
I pray to listen to that voice a multitude more.
maybe in the future, I wish for you to sing for me.

I found you and fell instantly.
you pulled me under, an undertow in the ocean.
you washed me in your unrelentingly charm.
seductive eyes. luring hands. tempting lips.
head tilted back, mouth ajar with a heavy sigh, eyes still locked and trained on mine.
you reach your own victory,
and it’s even in your name.

I want to know what your hair looks like in the morning, see it’s natural state of being.
see it for what it usually is, minus the blondes and blues I want to see what’s truly you.
rustled from the bed sheets, twisted in a million different directions, lose strands framing your face.

I’m curious to what your hair is like in the morning.
what it looks like in its comfort, un-staged and not dolled up to perfection.
I want to see how it falls freely, it’s assigned color shining proudly after being dipped in dyes,
curled and straightened and braided and parted.

I want to see it done by the night, styled by the pillows and the position in which you slept.
I want to see how rest and peace paint you in all your morning glory.

dance with me.

take my hand in your own.

spin me slowly in the light of the moon.

pull me close to you.

hold me here, right here.

whisper in my ear that you love me.

let your fingertips wander across my skin.

light a fire in my bones.

make my lips go numb with your taste.

focus on me, keep your eyes focused on me.

we stared into the sunset,
an endless, never-ending sea of possibility.
thoughts roamed our minds,
each filled to the brim with a familiar yearning.
the kind that settles between our ribs,
and tugs at our souls.
it pulls us close, close, closer.
until our heartbeats melt together,
pump in a single steady flow.
we breathe in the same rhythm and time,
because from now until forever,
we will be completely intertwined.
we make each other whole.
connection stings in our bones,
we are deeply connected,
more than just body to body,
it’s soul to soul.
our love runs oceans deep.

kisses in slow motion,
breathe me in quietly.
pull me close to your skin,
hold me warm and tight.
let your love flood my senses,
and overload my mind with affection.
feel my body pressed close,
wrap your arms around my waist,
under the covers.

would he love a girl decorated in tattoos,
even if his skin was pale and clear as snow?
I wonder if he maybe would be repulsed by the idea of art displayed on the curves of my given canvas, that maybe to him it’s a pitfall.
could he look past my painted temple,
perhaps even learn to cherish the pieces I adore?
I hope and pray, that someday, he’ll even love them too.

I got lucky when I stumbled upon you.
some call it fate, some even destiny,
but for me I call it chance.
though I know you now, the thought that I could’ve looked over you, chosen someone else, terrifies me.
to think I wouldn’t know your voice, your laughter, that I would have traded it for somebody different, is a concept I wish to not know.
I’m fortune to love you, adore you, support you.
I took a leap of faith when I decided on you,
it could’ve been anyone else,
out of billions of souls it could’ve been another,
but instead the stars aligned us,
us and only us.
to love, to live, to lead.
to give, to be, to receive.
for this fact I am forever and eternally grateful,
to have found you that one afternoon,
and to take a chance and choose to pursue

I left my heart back in Kiev,
found my soul in South Korea.
I dreamed of the northern lights,
and saw a shooting star in Paris.

I lost my virginity in Ibiza,
drank too much up in Dublin.
I ran in the streets of Ljubljana,
and drove with windows down in Sydney.

hair like honey,
eyes like diamonds.

skin like porcelain,
smile like the sun.

you broke my heart when you mentioned ways for one to **** themselves,
because things you described hit home.
they resonated with me and what I’ve dealt with.
I’ve lost two friends, two beautiful souls to the horrific and morbid things you said was a “joke”.
I felt tears well in my eyes but I had to keep them in so I wasn’t weak.

I miss my friends.

You completely belittled the things they did to themselves.
You called their methods “weak” and them a “*****” for not doing it in a more public and dramatic fashion.
In that moment you were “joking”.
But it wasn’t a joke to me.

Suicide is not a joke to me because my friends are gone because of it.

never again,
not today,
will I ever let you stay.

I’ve caught the pattern,
I see the signs.
and I know it deep inside my mind.

I will not be your tool,
for you to use,
for you to bruise.

Not today,
never tomorrow.
Suffer alone through the sorrow.

she was a snake,
discarded and diseased.
she crept into my mind,
wrapped herself around my being,
and suffocated me.

her coils embedded into my independence.
her poison polluted my blood.
she climbed up my throat and came from my mouth,
And soon she had me by the neck.

I gasped for my breath,
yet it had fled from me.
dry tears poured like a river,
and my mouth was filled with fear.

I pulled my arms to me tightly,
my body trembling with pain.
she now had me wrapped in her cruelty,
and like this I would stay.

spinning colours.
flashing lights.
pounding music.
rooms too bright.

tucked away amidst the dawn,
he took a drag on Mary Jane,
coating her in liquor rain,
as he thought of thought of lustful times forgone.

he sat the pill right on his tongue,
and watched it melt away.
he closed his eyes and swallowed vulgarly,
for there was no time to be a saint this day.

he hid within an acid storm.
and his promises were holy,
when he watched the load drip down slowly.
for the psychedelic pleasure held him warm.

the creator of the horse.
the goddess of the sea.
the master of winds.
the commander of the breeze.
offspring of Epona, gilded and refined,
to protect the majesty of the divine.

His eyes were as soft as clouds, yet filled with a hardness one cannot put a finger on.
Though the eyes, orbs of themselves, lingered in a gaze of yearning, they comforted the pounding heartbeat. The voice, brimmed with wit soothes The Anxious with clement care.

He was not caught up, not tangled in the briars of fear, he stood firm, as the shade loomed above his shoulders. The tender voices hushed at his presence, falling into the quiet of the dark.

The Gate was swung ajar, beckoning with an outstretched hand, fingers curling, saying: “come this way.” He took a transfixed step forward, but his confusion swept him away.

Dare he attempt to find the opened Gate?
Or shall he await for it to find him once more?