finding your rock
scratching the surface
attempting to make contact
inside is life
life is inside
breaking even
evenly breaking
assessing
assessing
recalibrating
attempting to find
essence of interest
interest found
inside
life is inside
inside
inside is life

I can't be more like you
can't even be less like me
stop asking me personal questions
I don't wanna make a scene
don't need to treat em like ****
to keep em keen, if you love her
the way that I'm feelings obscene
but I love her
saving myself '*** there is no other
been thinking about nights up the under covers
there's a carnal instinct that can't budged
don't feel I know you but feel I know enough
being hopeful, wishing you'll remain untouched

...And I remember the stuff
we said the last time I graced you
I got angry and shouted "I ******* made you!"
I let despair cloud my judgment
and then proceeded to disgrace you
I said I'd never hit you--
never said I was above it
my hearts closed forgetting the loving
but if you asked me now what love is
I'd tell you it's creation after destruction
it's peace after disruption
it's feeling whole with bodies touching
it's feeling empty without them
and you wishing you were something

I was born,
Happiness flooded my life
The oceans drowned the sorrows
Nothing special, Nothing simple
My mind was fresh clay,
Ready for moulding

Under your wings,
I could fly so high
But high was never high enough
Days became,
For counting...

And the weekends a necessity

The first three members
Of the alphabet family
Became,
For taking

I want to **** you,
Friend
Like a dark and gloomy alleyway
I could take you by surprise,

So confident that I bring to refuge
From the cold harsh and bordom
Where the warm fumes
-will intoxicate you
Into a better reality
For your life,
Means nothing...

All good things must come to an end
that goes for jobs, good times,
relationships and even best friends

Don't let it drag itself out
or wait for something to fix itself
be kind to yourself, the situation
and everyone in it

I'm tuning out, I'm turning off
getting ****** in is problematic
so blow out and break free

If you play with fire, you will get burned.
It happened to us once, it'll happen again.
The story is written in tears, forget a ******* pen.
My middle name has ruined me, taken all I've known
My life, my world, my queen and my thrown.
Forever cursed a prince, in a kingdom once mine.
Emotions, tears and nights alone wasting time.
I won't let this make me second best.
Forever failing the ultimate test.
Why can't it be me? I have so much to offer?
Why can't it be me? I have so much to give?
Why can't it be me? Its a reason to live?
Why can't it be me? It was rightfully mine.
The most dangerous man, one with nothing left to lose.
The most dangerous man, one with nothing left to do.

I ask myself questions, will you give me the answers?
You're the only one that can save me with second chances.
Credit is due where credit is due.
I'm so undeserving and alone, I wish I had a clue.
I should of given up, i should of given in.
I stayed strong for too long and now I won't break.
I am what I am, but I'm not what I see.
A million tiny pieces on the floor is what I want to be.
OCHNCP That's all I was that's all you'll see.
And so a broken child is all that's left of me.

Cold rain falls
Patters on my head
I look to the sky
My eyes turn red
Flickering pupils
Dilated so wide
I tear off my shirt
Embracing skies tide
I open my mouth
To catch some raindrops
Tasteless liquids
Nothing makes the pain stop
Collected water boils inside
My mouth once dry
It's now a simmering ***
The demons inside me
Make everything hot

Deep inhalation of fresh air
I understand why I'm here now
I'm no longer scared
Steam streams out of my body
My hands are on fire, my lips tingle
I look to my left, a lamppost glows
I turn to my right I see people mingle
Outside a late night cafe, their life simple
A bus stop ahead with two people there
A man and woman, he touches her hair

I place the palm of my hand on the lampost
Just to lean and wonder how I'm here
The shade bursts and sparks fly
The woman at the bus stop screams
"Nooo I don't want to dieeee"
As the fluorescent lights fizzle and pop
The man she's with falls to his knees
Grasps his head "no please make it stop"
The small group of people freeze
Outside the cafe they violently fit
I don't know what's happening
I assume it is me doing this
I try to let go of the lamppost beside me
Pulling my arm with the other hand

I finally break free
I too now fall to my knees
Getting up is hard
My joints creek
With mechanical movements
I go over to see
The couple at the bus stop
The girl lays on the floor now
I shake her but she is surely dead
Her eyeballs have melted to red goo
The man still firmly grasping his head
Looking at him I don't know what to do
He chants repeatedly in words unheard

The people outside the restaurant
They're all still fitting
People are with them now from inside
I step backwards in to the bus shelter
Fear surges through me again
My conscious spirals a helter-skelter
Trying to hide from the people outside
Hearing sirens now my eyes dilated wide
I'm clueless as to what has happened
Panicking I run past the lamppost
Glancing at it as I pass
A dark black hand print is melted in

You know that saying?
"the only person you can truly rely on
and trust is yourself"
what about when you can't trust yourself?
when your mind deceives you
when you do the unpredictable
when you shock yourself and think
am I really that person?

Does that make you
more alone than being alone?
if loneliness is a feeling of being alone
but you don't have to be alone
to feel lonely
and you can be by yourself
but not feel loneliness at all
then humour me this

If I am by myself and I feel lonely
but I don't know myself tonight
and I don't trust my own presence
I don't feel comfortable at all
in my own company
so I don't have myself to rely on
because I myself, am not myself
am I more than alone?

Am I actually nothing now?
am I here at all?
do the thoughts I'm thinking
belong to somebody else?
do I now have to search the mind
of this man that I do not know
to find clues and remnants
of the person that once filled this body?
am I lost forever?

Am lonely
only rarely alone
but surely lonely
down to my last friends
lately making them is hard
harder to keep them still
everlasting sighs at
exasperation from idiocy
mine own idiocy

Am very lonely
in mine own lonely way
my beautiful girl
is my closest friend
but even she can not
fill this hole inside of me
when dreaming
I grip her shoulders tight
and cry into her *****
she is so dearly loved

Am so very, very lonely
missing a friend
who lives overseas
he means so much to me
across the pond
his light can't be seen
he is the lighthouse
for this way off-course ship
and he shines bright
but the fog is too thick
mate, it's real thick tonight

Am the loneliest I've been
my dad sits in the next room
he is so dearly loved
makes me feel loved
like there are no parallels
unique and cherished
yet this feeling is indifference
no concern for myself
the words to make him comfort me
don't pass my lips
my trembling quivering lips

Am desiring compassion
resentful of pity
am wanting of sympathy
guilty of concern
am capable of empathy
sensitive to misfortune
am lonely
so very lonely

Did we give you a fright?
youth is wasted on the young
well I'm young and having fun
without the need to own a gun
"take this" no thanks,
it's been done
as if I'm the only one
who believed in forever young

I'm playing the cards
but I'm playing so wrong
poker face is transparent
personality is fluorescent
so in essence adolescence
will end in a second

So don't even beckon
with a nod

If music was life,
a genre, a topic
or even a type
I'd be the alternative
sort of a last resort
and I won't see no light
at the end of the tunnel
my life, my brain it's in a muddle
every step is taken in a puddle
of loneliness, hate, misery or ****

I'm not easy not one little bit

Happiness is synthesized
and if that's a crime
then I guess I'm crooked
but I'm always looking
for a way out
so if you won't let me in
then I stay out
I feel I'm down
and I'm definitely out
so I guess I should pray now

Undecided I am
As to whether or not obsessing over you is wrong
I may never know
If it must be wrong, then I only wrong myself
For I am addicted to you,
and it is not long before i feel the withdrawal
Of your poisonous beauty
Far more potent than any substance
Far more desirable than any liquor

Thirsty for you I am
As to whether or not the thirst is quenchable
I may never know
If it must go unquenched, I will surly die of thirst
For I have had a dose of you,
and so your poison will remain in my heart
Until it gives way
After my hit of you I desire no other
After my fix of you I need another

I can not be rehabilitated
Or cured thanks to you
So i must adjust,
and aspirations must be met
I'll start off small,
and see if you've noticed me yet

Conclusion or delusion
I wonder in my state of euphoria
I think obsessing over you is right for me
Having learnt to embrace this love sickness you have brought unto me
This feeling is human,
so I must be too
Well a man has needs,
and what I need is you

Oh, won't you just pick me up?
I have fallen only just out of reach
you can help me at a stretch
not much further you're nearly there
****,
a gust of sadness has rolled me over

Oh, won't you just pick me up?
I have slumped over my table
intoxicated unable to find the strength
too busy laughing at my stupidity
but you can still help me at a stretch

Oh, would I just shut up?
we've all just about heard enough
of my sorry, lazy and weak poetry
funny that,
I bet it could help me at a stretch

I met my girlfriends family today
Northerners
It was her grandad on her father's sides
Ninetieth birthday but you couldn't tell!
Congratulations
We go out for a meal, enjoying the laughs
They thought I couldn't eat
The giant whaler portion
Of fish and chips

"It's got nowhere to go!"
"Y'don't get fish like that down south"
"You'll never finish that."
"Are you struggling?"
"Good luck with that!"

I only went and ate it all didn't I
Proved them wrong and now I think
I may never ever eat again
A fully suppressed appetite forever
All to make a point and to be
Accepted

To be fair though,
We don't get fish like that down south and
I would eat the giant whaler portion again
Provided someone's doubt in my ability to
Actually eat it swayed me from the large

When you hear
a song that makes
all the others
by the same artist
sound like pretentious
bombastic ****.
Incoherent at best.
That's what you get
when a talented artist
is forced to produce
something for clubs.
It lacks soul and emotion.
It's only heard and not felt.

Some things that are broken can be fixed. Many things that can't be fixed aren't broken.

It's just a chance,
luck if you will
nurtured free
or raised in shackles
loved by family
or pestered by keeper
kept in the dark
or brought to light
being born is
a chance at luck

Still sleeping with Ms. Placed Trust
"That's not healthy bro". -Yes I know
I know, I know, I know
Just let it be, leave it alone
It takes time to mend, time to grow
"It's gone forever, it won't come back,
save yourself get your life on track
this love is a sickness please see that."

Well this is me and this is you!
This is my life and your point of view!
I don't need your opinions, I need your help.
"Then take a step back and have a look at yourself.
She's bad for you man, she's bad for your health!
The more you love her the more you hate your
life and everyone else."

My mind is wasted
well, out of sync
I can't keep up with the thoughts
that would be brought over seas
of consciousness, like weeds of mind
rooted in so deep , they bury themselves
in to the back of my eyes
and I'm always concerned about
running out of time
one thing after another
like some premature adolescent
I scream "why, **** why?"
I'm confident but I'm tired all the time
if you feel the same then don't be shy
I can't give you the answers
I can't sell you the time
but I can suggest a solution;
don't give up, don't die

Confessions, confessions
everybody wants to learn the lesson
but nobody ever wants to pay attention
real world problems and such? Nah
they're just analysing the regressions a touch
don't think on it too much
or your head might just feel a little bit

So, attention! attention!
before I forget my digression
I've been meaning to lay waste to
the lies and oppression but
as this world that we live in
rather than fate would have it
I'm just another voice amongst screams
inaudible, lost, the sound of mania and fiends
or just not worth a listen it seems

Sugar, **** and cream
outdated music reverbed and rewritten
old films on new screens have me smitten
just keep feeding me that good stuff
I don't do politics; I'm living the dream
I thought I was in 2016, but now this,
this is cartwheels and  back-flips

In a favourite song of mine a lyric goes
"wise men wonder, while strong men die"
with age came the realisation that was a lie
wise men don't wonder they already know why
it's the strong men that tell boys not to cry
then wonder about the epidemic of male suicide
which is the leading cause of death for men under 35









Just keep feeding me that good stuff

Life has got me feeling down
a shade of sadness paints the halls
my worries got me feeling ****
I'm too young to feel this way
I gave up drugs but I want a hit
my soul turns old and silver grey
money problems at twenty years
my mother's sickness
has my family in tears
I hate this life I'll admit it
didn't want to offend
the people closest to me in my life
by saying it's so

Now I don't care to be honest
I have to be true
a life of happiness
isn't possible with my state of mind
and I've been thinking this
for a very long time
I'm miserable and sometimes
I want to die
but I'm a coward
and cowards seldom die
we run and we ***** and we moan
and we cry
sobbing at the fact it's ourselves we loathe
I want to drown myself
in a sea of liquor no less
forgetting my worries
this life and it's stress

It is not wrong to be white
and to have dreadlocks
Though,
you may look like a pleb
but you offend me not
Nor would it offend
a black rastafarian man
of a temperate manner

I don't know any women
with white skin and
straight hair that get offended
by afro-caribbean women
wearing a straight weave
You're all just too soft now,
you're all just pet peaves

Stop getting offended
on behalf of other people
that don't even take offence
Excuse me,
whilst I build a fence
around myself hombre
Not to keep me here
but to keep you at bay

Cultural appropriation
doesn't exist
Cultural misappropriation
doesn't exist
You're all just
champagne socialists
You should get over it

Yes, you mate
The one that thinks
he's above
everyone
and must decide what is
politically correct
and whose life matters

In the end all this is
is a series of cultural
exchanges and we're
all wading through ****

Face it.

******* are itches like skin conditions
forget the admissions and feelings and visions
find yourself in a position where decisions
are void, because there's no choice,
no recognition, my voice is an imposition

With no occupation, or real reason to function
I'll spend my money on medication 'til
I'm believing what I'm seeing
Something is weighing on my mind heavy,
roll up another blunt-skin,
crack open another bevy,
Something is playing with my mind lately,
just write a couple bars
Yeah, that'll tell them nothing maybe

My hopes were up, but they have come down
It's too often we carve a smile out of a frown
just to fit in
           when we were born to stand out
So as a rule tell others how you feel,
not let em figure out
Honesty's my policy, unless I think they're on to me
and now I've lied again
I better turn my life around
In a short life, I've been much, I've been proud
I've been up, I've been down,
I've been chewed and spat out
Left out in the sun, left out to dry up on the ground

But all the aspirations that I'll never meet,
can be recycled to ambition if I get back on my feet,
But all the things I was promised, that's deceit
the act or practice of deceiving,
concealment or distortion of the truth,
for the purpose of misleading, so they got me bleedin'
and everything I want, I'm not receiving
and everything I need, I know they're keeping

There's nothing like defeat
the feeling of failure
slowly washing over you
then suddenly you're crushed
under a wave of realisation
it's over, you lost this one
then you get up
despite the fact your legs are broken
thinking you've got this
only to flop
fall flat on your face
break your bones twice
and prolong your suffering
because you wouldn't give up the fight

A weight pushes my head down
impossible to keep it up
how I wish it sat on
my shoulders instead
whilst my knees would bend
I would still be able to see
the road ahead of me

Now I stumble and fall
graze a knee or
get dirt stuck in my palms
reminders at the end of the road
that I struggled to be where I am
but where is this cesspit
in which I always find myself?
was it worth it?

In hopes I rise
and in reality fall
I set out in earnest
and I end up here
in the realms of failure
darkened by the clouds
of my shortcomings

All but forgotten
not love but loneliness
that prevails
in profound sadness
and self pity
you could be loved
you might be cherished
no one sees the pain
asking how you are
with a smile in the morning
or how the day went
over a cup of tea in the evening
never a serious question
never sincere

You try your best to tell them
the sensation is not unlike
biting your tongue when eating
the mouth opens and
you want to say "ouch!"
but you're in too much pain
to move your tongue
then you remember
as the pain finally subsides
they don't care
this is just one of life's formalities
you keep it bottled up
and move on...

I'm thinking about us
every time you gently touch my hand
then look at me with soft loving eyes
glistening in the light as you ask me
"do you love me?"
you know that I do
but it's nice when you ask because
I get to tell you

"I love you more than anything,
you mean the world to me."

You know that's exactly what I'll say
but it's nice for you to hear and
it's so nice of you to ask
I love to tell you I love you
I fall short of words sometimes
except for when you ask because
I'm always good when you prompt me

The expectation is
everything should be easier
when you're in love
the reality is quite the opposite
but that's ok because love drives us
it drives us mad and around the bend
but it always seems worth it in the end
loving you has kept me going
and kept me strong for so long
even when I felt weak and out of place

It's always hardest when it's over
memories become haunting and
painful but in the most beautiful
reassuring way because it was
all ok at some point in time
a constant reminder that it could
be all ok once again, given time

It's alright to ask me if I still love you
the answer will always be
a resounding; "yes"
because I love you more than anything, you mean the world me
I only wish you would ask me again
but you know it to be true
that this love is too painful
and too much for me and you

I guess I was too slow
I guess I'm too late
at the time, didn't care
I guess I wasn't awake
a dream, a fading reality
it passes with sleep
memories forever
moments you can't keep

I like this pub.
Not too loud so you can't think.
Not too quiet so that you can't
help but think.

An old Cambridge pub called
the Portland Arms.
I've recently taken to drinking
whiskey straight, enjoying the burn.

The music is mediocre but
the people seem genuine enough.
Not that that matters anyway
when you're drinking alone.

She was transparent,
blunt and beautiful.
what she lacked in grace,
she made up for in good times.
I remember the face she would make
when she laughed at my stupid jokes.
her eyes would squint and her mouth
would shrink right before it widened
stretching from corner to corner
showing her lovely white teeth.
She wore a dark red shade of lipstick,
loved my writing, the poetry and songs.
I miss her pinot grigio kisses
and her nicotine scent.
She left me at Heathrow airport
and on her way she went.
She was going to be an actress
and I was going to be
whatever I was going to be.
She saw the best and the worst in men.
I wonder though, what she ever saw in me.

There's nothing like running
your fingers through wheat
as you take a footpath
through the farmer's field
especially in the dead of night
when the silence speaks volumes

Though I wouldn't know
'*** I'm a city boy
I always say
a life better lived on
the road less travelled
clearly wasn't for me

Cloudy days and
cloudy apple cider
go hand in hand
with hand rolled cigarettes
and unread messages
and a qwerty keyboard

Things are gon' get better
things better get gone
have I neglected my writing
or has my writing neglected me

Thoughts are just electricity
surging through your brain
tiny little electrical impulses
molecules and whooshy stuff
I could do with some of that

She sets down
her very large glass of Malbec
sighs and lights
a poorly rolled
******-like cigarette
the look on her face
bothers me deeply
I open my mouth
with good intentions
and probably should have
said something like
"Are you ok?"
but what came out
went something like
You are nothing to me
just an **** potato
there's almost nothing
that you could provoke
within anyone
except for the cats
Yeah,
I'd bet you could start
the feline revolution
with your poisoned toenails
and mashed carrots
not even seventeen vats of ****
could make you more slippery
No,
I don't want your wet cake
just bees,
endless mayonnaise
and cherry flavoured toxic yoghurt

I just crashed
I just burned
Thinking all this time
I never learned
This time I saw my life
Flash before my eyes
It got me thinking
Thinking about you
How you're the one
I think of when times get hard
A sour day turns so sweet
When I see you
When we finally meet
We work so hard
Long days and weeks
You're a saviour
My Jesus H Christ

Oh Jesus,
I thought about you again
Happiness,
Happiness,
Joys and delights
My angel my sweetheart
I'd give anything for you
And I do,
I do, I do, I do
The words I wish to hear
When spending the rest of my life
With you, with you, with you
It could come true, I do, I do
I'd live a life for you
I already think I do
For you, for you, for you

Today is going pretty well
But I won't cheer yet
Swell and smooth so far
But I won't hold my breath
Premature celebrations
Tend to be premature

I know a lot of words I don't use
People think I'm a bore
It's hard to understand why I have less
It's selfish to think that I deserve more
I'd be the apple of your eye I bet
If I could go without a shred of regret
Just know that baby I'm rotten to the core

Life fades in and life fades out
The same could be said for love and baby
Loving's what I'm all about
I have good days in, I have bad nights out
I'm in love with you of that I never doubt
If I could find my feet and disperse this
Awful cloud, then you could find my heart
But it's lost, of that I'm not proud

If I could try success I'd bet it tastes
Sugar sweet, I'd have my own pie
And everyone could have a piece
I suppose I never looked at it this way
My sugar queen, you can be my success
I can be your feet, you can be the ground
That holds me steady, sharing all
Our blessings the world wouldn't be ready
And they would say that we are few
And that they are the better many
But it's not a competition and
As kids we learnt not to be petty

Today was going pretty well
But I cheered to soon
I was put straight through hell
Now what am I going to do
I'll close my eyes think of better times
Of chasing success with you