Everything in me
That is alive
Vibrant
Full of feeling
Filled with life
Is also
Infatuated
By all that is dead
And dying
What numbs
And what hurts

tw self harm


I tried
my medication
self control
music
suicide prevention chat

But in the end
I bled a lot
And made myself
A few new scars

I feel it again
That vacuum in my heart
The empty space
That used to be full of
Empathy
Love
Kindness
Happiness
It wasn't always there
But now it feels like it's just me
Just how I am now
But I'm not me
I can't go back, though
To being a slave to my mind
I'm not quite myself
But I guess I'm free
Even though there's this spot
A place within
That's cold and empty
Where my smile had been

Close your eyes
Slowly now,
Breathe in
Breathe out
It's okay
You're safe
I know it was hell,
But it's over now
You're going to be okay
You're going to be sad
You're going to be confused
You're going to be angry
But in the end
You're going to be okay
You're going to smile again
It's over now

I'm angry
maybe furious
painfully jealous
because I can clearly see


I have been left out

time and time again


I see you all
I hear your stories
you all have fun
enjoy each other's company
drinking, dancing

but me?
I'm at home
doing nothing
pretending I didn't want to join
because I'm good
I wouldn't want to indulge a bit
I wouldn't want to be invited
of course not

what's wrong with me?
what is it that makes you all assume
that I don't want in on the fun?

I'M LONELY

Even just some company would be nice
but it would seem
I'm unwanted
I'm undesirable
I'm a buzzkill

I'm useful,
but c'mon

you know you don't want me around
will you all just say it?
because clearly something about me
sends off some sort of signal
that I ought to be left out
forgotten

do you even realize how often i'm forgotten???

P   E             R     S     I      S       T         E       N         T
C       O        N        S       I    S      T   E   N         T

and you know what?
I'm jealous
I'm angry
I'm upset
because EVERYONE forgets me
I'm just not memorable
I'm not fun to be around

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT
IF YOU WERE PARALYZED BY ANXIETY
IF YOU WERE CONSTANTLY DEPRESSED
IF YOU WANTED TO TEAR YOURSELF APART
IF YOU HAD PEOPLE PLAY WITH YOUR MIND
IF YOU FELT ANY MISTAKE DEMOLISHED YOUR WORTH
IF YOU WONDERED IF YOU OUGHT TO JUST DIE

you wouldn't be much fun either


but at least someone might care about you

It used to be
That every day
Every waking second
Was full of pain
I was exhausted
And anxious
Constantly

Finally
I got myself help
My brain was unbalanced
So they gave me medication
Every night before bed
I pop it into my mouth
Swallowing

Amazing
It felt to finally be free
From the anxiety that crippled me
But after a while, it became normal
Still fine, but not so fun
I found I missed it
The pain
Anxiety

So now,
I do what I can
To embrace my sadness
To stimulate what it had numbed
Because I was used to being sick
And I remembered how good
That adrenaline could feel
Toxic and exciting

It would seem
That in this place
I am to learn
How it’s possible to live
When you don’t feel alive

Something fun
To give me that rush
The high of words
Get me off
On the sensation
Of creation
Make my hands shake
In anticipation
Brain spinning
Dizzy with thoughts
Endless possibilities
Just let me soak in it
Drink it in
Please, now
Let me write

I’ve always hated
That I wasn’t perfect
I writhed in agony
Hating myself for what I am
Human

My family wasn’t perfect
My friends weren’t perfect
I wasn’t perfect
Nothing was perfect

But constantly I was confronted
With this image
This abstract concept
Of what I was supposed to be
And it was always
A model of perfection
The perfect life
The perfect lie
And I believed it

They always had good intentions
To give me my “best life”
But no one lives like that
We have so many flaws
Our best life cannot be
A perfect life
But no one told me

They made it look
Like they all could do it
But all I was seeing
Were masks and games
To hide their imperfection
So I learned to hide mine
Behind smiles and niceties

But all the while
I was dying
From the
Lies of perfection

Is this how life is going to be?
Am I just going to be hurt over and over again?
Am I going to watch everyone I love leave me?
Am I always going to be restless and lonely?

I don't know if I can survive another blow
I've been wounded again and again
Life's punching bag
And every time I've started to heal
Every time I find something safe
It's torn away from me
Stolen from my grasp
Leaving me more damaged
More traumatized

I'm in this endless cycle
And if this is what life is like
I want no part in it