Light me up inside
Flick a spark in my soul
To spread like a wildfire
I want to feel the sensation
The warm glow
As the depths of my darkness
All of my rotting flesh
Pale, torn, bruised
Is revived
The sickness cured
At least
For a little while

I’ve been happy today
It’s... it’s been so long...
I... I feel okay
I feel... human...
I feel... I feel like living

I was happy
But then I got sick
Pushed everyone away
And the pills
Ward off the sickness
But they can’t heal
The loneliness it created

tw self harm




Haha... I’m drowning in Neosporin
Finally my leg decides to sting
Rhythmic pain
From the line after line after line after line after line after line after line after line after line after line after line after line after line after line and line and line and line line line line line line line line line line line line....    .       .           .             .
That I drew in
Desperate for feeling
An awakening of my heart
Instead... with each line the realization set in
I’m too far gone
Too disconnected to feel anything
I practically laughed at the wounds...
Wondering what purpose they might possibly serve
When nothing within even feels alive
What began as a resuscitation attempt
Turned swiftly into an autopsy

And ****... I don’t even care that I’m out of gauze
I’ve done this before
It’ll heal eventually
Not like it matters anyway....

tw: self harm


Something’s wrong with me
I need... I need something
I want to draw lines
Quick strokes
Then pause to watch
Then pause to feel
It fill in red
It’ll stiiiiiinnngggg....
I’ll see the garnet drops grow
Until they trickle down my arm
Leaving a carmine trail behind

And through it all
Relief will flood my body
I’ll forget about everything around me
In that moment
The pressure is released
And I feel okay again
At least for a bit

It’s still surreal
I can’t believe it
I... I did this
God... what have I done?
Why am I covered in lines?
Marks of illness and self hatred
Truly, I loathe few things more
Because I see all of me
And you should stay away
I will destroy what’s close
As long as I get a thrill

I like to live on fire
Feeling deeply
Loving recklessly
I crave passion
Seeking thunderous storms
Easily bored
With mundane reality
Sinking low
Deeply depressed
I require stimulation
So I throw thoughts around
Inside my head
Creating worlds
In which I’m able to
Live on fire

I suddenly feel like dying
Maybe it’s cause I puked up my meds
Drinking too much
Pushing my limits
Maybe I’m lonely
Actually yeah of course I am
I’m empty inside
I could break open my skin
And not even care
So... maybe I’ll just flirt with some boys...
That’ll make it better...

No one tells you
That loneliness hurts
That you can feel emptiness
That your heart can physically ache
They don’t explain to you
That your body knows you’re alone
It hurts more than you can describe
It burns until you can’t take it
But by that point
You’re a freak
You’re so far gone
No one will want you
You’re broken now
You’re damaged goods
So the only antidote to the poison
Of being all alone
Is pushed further and further out of reach
The longer you suffer

Why would you bring me here
And surround me by things I can’t have
Just drown me in temptation
That I can’t give in to
And you won’t talk to me
Because I’m not fun
Because I can’t drink with you
So I’m just sitting here
Alone
Isolated
Depressed
Waiting for all you drunk idiots
To just let me leave

It hurts to want so badly to be a part of it all
To need to be included
But to be sitting on the edge of the room
Counting down the minutes
Until I can just leave you all alone
To enjoy yourselves

My heart is longing
Deeply aching for something
Something beautiful

I’d like to spend some time
Away from reality
A little out of my mind
I’d like to lose it
Do something dumb
Inebriate myself
Dizzy and happy
Just for a bit
But so many rules
So many people
So many expectations
Reputations
Pull me away
From my much-needed break
I can see it
I can smell it
But I can’t taste it
I know it’s better this way
But I want to fall
I want to fall so far from here
So far from myself
I don’t want to feel
At least for a while
Please, let me lose it

Let me lose my mind
I don’t want to think
I don’t want to wonder
I don’t want to question

THIS IS TORTURE
THIS IS MADNESS

Why do I feel so trapped
Enslaved by my thoughts
I just want to slow down
I don’t want to be coherent

I just want out

GET.            ME.             OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m just...
I’m just so tired of fighting
Day after endless day
Fighting dangerous thoughts
Keeping myself alive

I’m not strong enough for this
Even if I were
No one wants to be strong all the time

YOU HAVE TO LET ME REST

But there is no rest for me, is there?
You all have your methods
All sorts of pleasures and vices
Which you hold out of reach
“For your well-being”

DO I SEEM WELL TO YOU???

I’m lost
Drifting
Wandering
My thoughts a mess
My body tired
I’m confused
I’m... I just don’t know...

No drinks, no pills
Just earbuds in LOUD
And... I’m happy
I’m enjoying it
I’m enjoying something again...
It’s... it’s been so long...
Tonight I feel like I might just be okay

SHUT UP YOU ALL!!!!

There’s so much.....
           too many......            it’s so loud....
Can’t think
Can’t breathe
Can’t see
Can’t FEEL

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!IT’S TOO ******* LOUD!!!!!!

I’m angry with love
I thought I’d finally found it
Even with red flags in the air

I’d gone so long
Wondering if I could be loved
Needing to be loved
And I... I was so desperate
To mistake the mess that I’d made
For love

I just... I needed it...
I wanted it so badly...
That when I saw a chance
For any real kind of connection
I threw everything I had at it
I barreled past the warning signs
And all the caution tape
For that chance
That impossible chance



And it broke me.

I crave love like I crave *****
I just want something
To make me feel okay
To keep me from thinking
To distract me
To mask the pain
To run from myself
To feel alright about myself
Even just for a while

Mmm... yes...
I love my drugs
I’ll take them all
I want them
I want more
Mm... calm and comfy
Secure and sleepy
And if I could lower my inhibitions
Just a tad...
I could swallow them like candy

Aren’t love stories depressing?
I don’t want to know how happy you are
I don’t want to watch you kiss
Because every second I remember
That practically everyone can find love
But I am amongst the few
The lonely.

Two decades I’ve been on this earth
And never once have I been chosen
Never once held by a lover
Never kissed
And truly...
I’m glad you’ve all figured it out
Because I’d pity anyone who felt like me

I’m glad you’re not alone
But I am.
And I’m trying to figure out
How I’m supposed to live with that

I want to cut
I want to cry
I want to break down
But it would seem
The alcohol would like instead
To lull me to sleep
And I want to let it
But I don’t want to sleep away this opportunity

There’s something there
Lurking in the depths of my mind
Feeding me lies
Poisoning my heart
It makes me grow weak
I stagger through my days
My mind a jumble
Memory a blur
I can’t tell
If I’m even myself
When it twists my thoughts
Warps my emotions
Am I numb?
Do I want to be?
I don’t know what’s true
Except that I’m sure
There’s something there
Lurking inside.

It's so much easier
To make myself feel
Pain
Than it is
To induce the same
Magnitude of
Happiness
So, when I would like
To remember
I'm alive,
Guess which one
I choose.

Sometimes
I just sit
And feel
The adrenaline
That courses
In my veins
Constantly
I caress it
Let it flow
Through my flesh
Feel it run
Down my spine
Through my arms
To the tips
Of my fingers
Sometimes it makes
Me sick
My stomach turns
Aches
My head beats
Loudly
Droning
To my pulse
Which is consistent
And fast
I smile
I love it
I want more
I feel like a
Maniac

Maybe
You’re not the one
Maybe
You’re not forever
Maybe
It was just a conversation
But I can say with certainty
You reminded me I’m alive
And that’s all I needed

Maybe this will work
Maybe this is it
Maybe this is the plan
The one that will change things...

I feel hope teasing me
Because it’s still dark
There’s still something terrible within me
But maybe... I think perhaps...
I may yet see dawn

Yeah no joke...
I can feel it creeping in
Slowly, gradually
Like natural fatigue
Ah, but I know better
This is far too intense
Far too pleasant...

Listening to ****** music
Fake, false, empty, shrill
Making small talk
Dealing with ridiculous complaints
Grating on my nerves
It’s all so ******* meaningless
Everything is void
I just wanna drift away
Medicate and cloud my brain
Go delirious and wild
Cause everything
It’s all
So
****
Meaningless

The tingle of anxiety
It’s creeping into my chest
Into my gut
That unplaceable guilt
The incessant nerves

Meanwhile
Life is cold
I can’t feel anything pleasant
Everything is so empty...
So... so grey....

So I guess...
I suppose I’ll lie in bed
Try to eat something
Wear something soft
Watch a movie
And wait
For the anxiety meds
To idk... fix something

I don’t want to be numb anymore
I don’t want to cry only when I think about how empty I am inside
I don’t want my wrists to burn
Begging for a cut to make me feel again
I want to care truly and deeply again
I want to feel my life
I want to feel alive

However

The medication keeps me sane
It keeps me able to eat
More than a few tortillas a day
I don’t dissociate and panic
Because my homework is stressful
I can make it through my days
Because I take that pill
The lowest dosage I could convince my doctor to offer
It’s keeping me alive

I think

I just took so many drugs
I hope they make me ill
I hope they make me sleep
Just... just let me drift away
I’ll be someone else
She said I could take another...
Why do want to keep taking more...

You were my medication
Boosting serotonin
Dopamine
Of course I felt myself with you
I know I need more meds
But I don’t ******* want them
I want you

I thought those feelings were gone
Dealt with and over
But just a moment of reading
Going back through our past...
Hearing how you spoke to me...
And it all came back...
Powerful and terrible
Lovely and comforting
Until I remembered
You’re not mine
I don’t get to have you
And it hurts everywhere...
An aching from my heart through my limbs
Because I miss you
I miss that
And I miss the fantasy
That I called, “us”

And there I was
Standing in the shower
Mesmerized
By the elegance
Of the stream of blood
As it joined the water

I feel like I’m playing a game
Of antidepressant roulette
Maybe this
No that
A little more
Will this one work??
Um... try three...?
Oh and btw,
They might make you wanna die
Ya know... more than you already do
Spin the wheel
Which is it this month?
I’m sick of playing games
I sick of taking drugs
This is what I get
For being honest with my doctor

Do you ever just have those moments
When your heart turns black and rots
Your mind gets high on the angst
The suffering is all you need
And you want it... more of it
Listen to gruesome, terrible songs
Sounds of screaming and pain
Loss and grief wrap you like a blanket
It hurts but you’re at home
It’s dangerous but you feel safe
And then the moments come more often
Blurring into days... weeks...
Until you’ve lived in your agony for months
Begging for something more
Tell me a story
Tell me of death and tragedy
Tell me of self destruction
It’s addicting to me

tw self harm



There’s a monster in my head
She ***** every last bit of life from me
Leaving me empty and cold
Then she fills my mind with horrid thoughts
Ideas that should disturb and repulse me

Just give your wrist a little slit

                                  C’mon I know you’re bored

                Feel the sting of the wounds

  You'll feel alive...

But I must keep her caged
I mustn't listen to her lies
Lies...? Maybe....?
I can’t give in
Not yet
70 days is too long to give up
Especially the night before you’ll have help
So tonight
One more night
I keep her at bay
Imprisoned in my mind
But at least my wrist is clean

I couldn’t control
The monster inside myself
I let it consume me
And it turned on you
So I screamed at you to run
But you stayed as long as you could
And I wounded you
Again and again
Until you finally had the good sense
To abandon me