No,
You cannot drink you're on antibiotics.
Wait,
I'm here taking antipsychotics.

i want to be angry
so ****** angry
but i’m not sure
if it is at myself
or at your ****** blue eyes.

i just want you.
to the point where
i feel like someone else
will end up here to replace
you and those blue eyes

i just want this.
i want it all to work.
i want it all to be perfect.
when right now.
i’m the farthest from perfection
that i have ever been before

i want to be face down
on a mirrored  table
coke in my nose
and THC in my system
klonopin residued
i was doing better then
than i am doing now

In all the crooked corners of my mind,
Cobwebs and dust mites are all I find.
There's no longer a sense of reality,
I can only see a ton of duality.
My stories now have dust mites,
Whose bindings have layers that are contrite.
So where is it that I should seek,
A tale that is not so bleek?

I'm writing ****** poetry
Because i dont know how else to say
I didn't go to your funeral
On that warm july Saturday

I only knew you died
On a sunday when i was at work on a tuesday

All i can think about are chips
You always made sure i had chips

I didn't go to your funeral.
I didn't take a shot of titos.
I didn't drink a bud ice or miller lite.
I didn't smoke a newport smooth.
I didn't get that tattoo you were gunna draw
I didn't play a game of pool.
I didn't tag public property.
I didn't teach the elderly.
I didn't save a friend.
I didn't play ukelele.
I didn't draw.

I only asked for chips.

there are times when
I see what they see
it's just really hard to be
like that all the time
when you are stuck in your mind

Days are filled with you
My nights are haunted by you
However it's not you I seek
It's myself, not so meek
I'm trying to find that time
When I was more confident
And just a little less bent
I'm looking for a sign
One that means I'm not blind
Though that is hard
I've been dealt these cards
A king and queen of different suits
A signal to a life unknown
One filled with ups and downs
One where you were a part of
It wasn't all you
Like my head says
I made myself work
Even with all the quirks
So I'll find myself again
I'm somewhere around this bend

every time I hear this song
it makes me fear the long
thay I once had.
that I feel for now.
because this will never be the same
not when I say your name
and not when I hear their names
I want to go back
when things weren’t out of whack
when we lived okay
and things weren’t all messed up
when it was you and i.
and no one else. involved.
when it came to me and you.
I just want it back.

I hate to lose you to an illusion,
it's like our bodies have a fusion.
I'd hate for you to end up a mirage,
we're beginning such a beautiful collage.
I'd love for this to move forward,
all I need is for you to say the word.
I'd love for this to be something true,
and for it to not go away out of the blue.
I'd hate to lose you to a game,
which would leave me filled with shame.
I'd hate for this to be all done,
especially since you've already won some.
I'd love for you to stay mine,
everything together is fine.
I'd love for this to continue,
nothing is as great as when I'm with you.

Seahaven and coffee start my morning
After a short night out
Including a blunt ride and showing
Of old memories and current friends
I can't help but to look
Like I'm from the nineties
To people who were adults back then
I slip into my sky high thoughts
About how pretty the sky looks
And how wonderful my cigarettes taste
I block out the people around me but one
She recognizes this but brings me back down
Listening to 90s country
For memory's sake
We blare the radio,
Sing along to the BBQ stain song
I'm not sure what happened in between
This is the best ending I could get
Before I fell asleep
In a nineties sweater
Between three blankets and sheets
With my dog curled at my feet.

i still like you
i still adore your presence
its so calming
and i wish i wasn’t so ******
or so angsty
it all seems to come out wrong
it makes me feel ******
that you’re this good person
and i’m so stressed out

It's funny isn't it,
The way another can make your day
I'm not talking about the ones you hold close
I'm talking about the ones you'd never expect but,
Those that pass by on the streets,
Wave they're hands like they're ready to meet
Those that know you but you thought they hardly cared
So much to acknowledge your irregular presence
It's funny how you know
When you need these things most
So you leave your house feeling alone
With a sliver of hope you won't end up more lost
You drive to where you need to go
End up early to the party you were invited to
Except it was to be,
You ran into old friends and made new memories
You got there in time to get a hug
Just because it looked like you needed one
Too afraid to say yes I did,
But courageous enough to get up and accept
It's funny isn't it,
The way another can make your day

Lined paper is where
my mind feels Free.
For some it's textured
with flakes and graphite,
instead of my blue black ink

My mind feels Free
to let it all out with ease
between these dotted lines.
Others find melancholy in melodic breaks
along with a strong bass line to a song

Either way,
We're all the same
We crave creativity
to let us be Free

All I find are worn out lines
Like the ones on your arm
The ones where you shot the most
I am just the same
Only mine are in my head
A blown out track
Where everything goes wrong
Yet we still try
To find some peace
On that empty, broken path
We'll push our plungers
Hoping for something new
Where this time, it will work out

I wonder what I look like
To those on the other side
Am i just a lost girl
Or am I wanderlust

I have no goal
For I fear failure
The past has made me
Given me my name

A hurricane happened
Destroying my home
New walls were built
They forgot the door

The thing about walls
They keep me inside
I struggle to find the sun
And to see my friends

Those were things
That kept me alive
Kept my heart
Beating inside

Now I look out windows
More intrigued by the seams
I had it all figured out
Now I'm puzzled

I've lost all hope
To find what I'm looking for
For I do not know
What it is I seek.

will someone please explain
how goals are to keep you sane
its a set up for failure
it seems so unpure
to have a path the will be destroyed
by yourself or someone else

its all a big circle
success being the end game
but when does the game end
i've rolled the dice enough
to get snake eyes plenty of times

why hang onto hope
when you have nothing to hope for
it'll just happen again & again
failure in your face
so why even risk it anymore

there might be a chance at love
but why would i want that again
when it was just ripped away
away from me in the matter of days
it was a sudden twist of fate
in this game we call life
yet its still a drug to me

i'm still searching for my next fix
but i'm staying distant
not really letting myself feel
or is this normalcy
i've never felt this way before

i miss the days i was high on life
i miss the days when that was my normal
i don't understand how people live like this
i'd rather be insane
than stable with a clear mind.

I know I’m not always perfect.
I do wish I was worth it.
You told me every day,
that you loved me more.
I tried to argue mostly,
but now we’re both alone.
trying to find someone
that we can grow with closely.
this is way too hard for me,
knowing I’m the one who left
all of our good memories
in the dust.
every time we say we were so
In Love…
I just don’t really see
how you could have really been
in love with me.
the pictures of mine are gone
they were erased with the touch
of my shaking thumb
those were all my memories.

I'm starting to forget your smile,
The way your lips would curl
Showing off your crooked teeth

I'm not holding memories
Of how your eyes lit up
Especially when I'd make you chuckle

I'm beginning to lose focus
On the way your hair felt
Intertwined in my fingers
Soft, tight curls becoming loose

I'm losing touch
With the place beside your hip bones,
The crook of your shoulder too

I'm forgetting you
I'm forgetting what it's like to love

I open up your door
What I see there is a beautiful face looking back at me
Aside from my reflection
I do also see a cherry blossom tree
In its beginning stages
Something we picked out together
And the first thing we decided on
For the outside of our home
Something significant there
How we weren't even together
When we made that trip
Figuring out how to put a tree in an SUV
Now we're here...
I'm looking out your door
You, you're right beside me.
Just like you've never left.
Because you never really did.

Let's hang out on a whim
There's nothing left to lose
We have everything to win
I can parouse you
As you look around me

Your trembling hands and ticklish feet,
My awkward body movement and shaky voice
They somehow mesh together to meet
Miraculously finding a special kind of poise

You line your nose with powder.
Can you see the paranoia as
easily as it is for me to see? You
mistake pain as pleasure and I see
charm as desperation. The appreciation
for kindness only gets you so far before
tragedy washes over our eyes.
If I could I would but I can’t when
you’re placing everyone else last,
not even the kids stand a chance when you’re
looking at bags of false hope
closely enough to drown your dreams.

this is where it starts,
deep within my heart.
it tears from within,
my body feeling the wind.
it escapes through my mouth,
swearing, "I have this all figured out."
it's a creator of emotion,
my mind's becoming an ocean.
i pray this doesn't have to be,
my thoughts destroying me.
it becomes a hurricane,
my attempts are now vain.
it's wind is now crippling,
my body starts shriveling.
the words finally escape,
"this cannot be fixed with tape."
the ocean in my head is empty,
though the waters are testy.
i've lost all faith in god,
my hope now lies abroad.
i see an island near the sunset,
my heart will place this bet.

days are filled with you
nights are haunted by you
however it's not you i seek
it's myself, not so meek
i'm trying to find that time
when i was more confident
and just a little less bent
i'm looking for a sign
one that means i'm not blind
though that is hard
i've been dealt this cards
a king and queen of different suits
a signal to a life unknown
one filled with ups and downs
one where you're a part of
it wasn't all you
like my head says
i made myself work
even with all of the quirks
so i'll find myself again,
i'm somewhere around this bend
death doesn't have to be the end.

A sociopath, at last,
my ideas aren't insane.
I have found a match
for my dreaded DNA.
Though it's just one night,
with the stars shining bright.,
I ****** you in my car.
You ****** me in my head
with conversations of life.
How goals are useless,
and love is hopeless.
I don't really care
about that or the fact
my body is totally bare
around someone who doesn't care.
I just ****** you for tonight,
though it's your thoughts with might.
Manic depressive the say,
that's what we are on paper,
but this is normal I say,
to ******* for a night.
It felt so right.

In this bed of slumber
All I think of is the ******
What life's course left me with
Something so unseen.
Something that I need.
This place of mine is contradictory.
Full of the intended okays..
Filled with unintentional should haves..
It's something I see daily
Yet I deal with it so fragilely

I wish we could rewind
But we don't have that kind of time
Our future is on the line

Here we are again, stuck on the floor
Crawling across the carpet to what is no more
Screaming inside "I still love you more."
With those words, my heart you tore
And left me abandoned on the shore
So here I am, on the floor
Still crawling across these wooden floor boards

I would like to take you in my arms
make your demons disappear
however, dear, I do fear
I’m the one causing all your
incapacities, and insecurities
I would love to take that tear
and stitch it up
at the seams,
take the bottles that I broke over you
and glue them back together
….nothing would ever look better
than you and I put back together

Always fine,
Maybe I'm blind
One drink too many
Captain was poured short
Always fine
Maybe I'm blind
Four pills
They shake it all down
Maybe I'm blind
Maybe I'm always fine.

I got myself here
So why is it so hard to get back
Back to the days without medication
Back to the days I was happy
I get myself here
Doing things I sweared I never would.
They just come back and haunt me
Wanting me to do it again
This poem is a mess
And so am I
I'm in shambles over all of this
I'm on a fine line.

stuck inside these lines
i’m only trying to find
why you won’t be mine

I miss you the most
when I've lost myself
when I need to be reminded
of who I used to be

I miss you the most
when I sit at home, alone
when I used to be sitting with you
taking care of you

I miss you the most
when I start something new
when all of the same emotions come
I fear they won't last

I miss you the most
when I need somewhere to lean
when I'm down and out
you'd set me straight

I miss you the most
when I need to be reminded
when I need to find me again
I miss me the most

It's cold
There's a slight breeze
A puff of smoke
Legs covered in goosebumps
Fingers trembling
A menthol taste
Small conversation in the back
With a rustle of pants fading
A splinter almost caught
Tires drive by
Alone on this bench
Is where'd I'd like to stay

I guess it's true what they say
Waiting for the day
The one where the rains away
The skies are no longer grey
The sun shining
And the birds flying
I'd rather be stuck there
Than be here
In a state of fear
A fear of myself
A scare to myself
I wish I could feel the way I felt
On top of the world
I was there at some point
But I'm here curled
Wanting to burrow
Just like a bear in winter
If only that made me feel better

She wanted to be numb.
Like the way your skin feels after being so cold.
Like the way a cigarette felt when you've been chain-smoking.
She wanted to be alone.
The way you sit in the bubble bath.
The way you wait for the bus.
She wanted to be gone.
Like the way the moon felt from the earth.
Like the way the dead must feel.

The way you graze my neck
It's not something I would expect
From such soft hands of a man
I can no longer decipher this land
One filled with gentle, warm touches
You don't know it, you're pushing all of my buttons
The ones that haven't been explored in years
You genuinely seem like you care
The way you kissed my nose
Oh, that was exhilirating, you know
Even though we're in square one
I think you've already won.

we were once in heaven
now we’re in straight hell
your voice rings like a bell
deep inside my mind
i want you to be mine

let's get off work,
let's catch a buzz.
it's not too serious,
don't fall in love.
i need an escape,
a permanent getaway
or so they say;
i just needed a lay.
but for some ****** up reason
i want you to stay.

I’m tired of having this conversation
the one with my friends
asking if we’re official
because all I can say
is that we have an agreement
that was a simple okay,
let’s stay like this
I’m tired of my neighbor
requesting to know
“how is your boyfriend? ”
I believe I don’t have permission
to discuss you this way
because we just have our simple okays.

Blistered thoughts,
Scabbed heart,
Rugged skin,
And empty eyes
These are things she hides behind.

I'll write about the girl who looked elegantly out of the beat up car's window. She has flash that has turned porcelain. She had a mind more brilliant than others. The porcelain girl has courage like her flesh version didn't. The porcelain girl is here in place of the felsh. The girl in flesh is laid elegantly under the trees she watched pass by.

this tides not calming
keep it coming
the waves are rising
keep it coming
the undertows taking
keep it coming
it has me leaving

too many parts of me crave you.
every little piece of me.
the neurons jumping back and forth
my brown eyes only seek your blues
my heart wants your hearts torch
my skin would like to touch yours
my fingers caressing you gently
my lips only try to find yours
my toes mingle at the foot of my bed
seeking out your warmth
my head would like to find that crook in your shoulder
my words linger in the air waiting for you to hear
you’re the only one who has me this near

Scratches at the door
Laying on the floor
Awaiting her return
For she is what I now know

Lost in this space
With company of others
It's now my home
She is the only thing I know

The floorboards creak
I can hear the other dog squeak
All I really care about is when she'll return
To save me from this home I've earned.

Where do you start
when you have no end?
Is this just the beginning,
or are we rounding the bend?

let's melt together,
me and you.
we can be like that ice cream
the kind the little kids get
with sprinkles on top

The last time I was blamed by you.
The last time I cried a lot inside.
This time I was blamed by myself.
This time I screamed in my head.
Next time I'll see things weren't meant to be.
Next time - there won't be such a thing.

I don’t want to feel like I’m crossing a line.
everything so far has been fine.
I don’t want this talk,
to end up with one of us taking a walk.
we both have things
that don’t need to be seen.
I don’t want you to be just a fling,
eventually I feel like you could be my king.
I slightly do feel like a queen
who finally has somewhere to lean
on someone who does not ask
-what is wrong, why is your face long?
I’m just really hoping this could last.

Nothing is permanent.
Not here at least.
You all seem temporary.
To me at least.

Everything here lasts.
Everything around me at least.
You all will never leave
My head at least.

I'd like to run away
Find a new place
Watch my worries wash away
In a sea of grace
If only I could find
A way to calm my mind
I could figure out the place
Without having this chase
This chase for words
To say to you
When I'm just so astray
When every word is a glass shard
Trying to take all my pain away