Every time you've ever ****** up, you'd sing your anthem to me.

Forgive and forget.
     Forgive and forget.

**** forgive and forget.

Forgiveness was never something you deserved.
Not when you've drug someone through Hell and back
Time and time again, never stopping to think about
Anyone else but yourself.
Hurting those around you constantly.
Always saying that you'd change, but we all knew better.
You would use that quote to your advantage
To win back the hearts of those you used and manipulated.

No.
You don't deserve forgiveness.

And to forget? HA! I refuse.
Doing so would only allow myself to never learn.
To never stop making the same mistake of giving you second chances
That you will never deserve.
I won't be prisoner to this constant state of denial that every thing is okay.

I know what you've done.
And it's not okay.

So have a good ******* life, you *******.

Hi, my name's Ashley. And I'm a hopeless romantic.

     "Hi, Ashley."

     I've been a hopeless romantic for as long as I can remember. I guess it all started with doodle hearts on the margins of school notes, which honestly, has ended up spiraling out of control. It really has been a struggle. I grew up believing in happily ever afters. I peer out from behind heart shaped glasses, dreaming up fairy tale scenarios on the daily. Believing that chivalry still lives on, or at least hoping it does somewhere. My heart aches when affections aren't returned. My soul is restless and passionate. I've been desperately hanging on the belief that love always prevails. My concept of life just isn't realistic anymore and when it falls short of my expectations, I feel like I'm being let down... over and over and over again.

     *"We're here for you, Ashley."

There you go judging.
Thought that was your god's job.

As soon as I reach out
For an extended hand
I pull back
And tell myself
"I'm fine".

Peer into the compact mirror
And disguise the trails
Of dried tears
With beige powder.
Cover up the road map
Etched into your foundation.
Now, pull yourself together,
Drag your *** out the door.
And don't forget to fake a smile.
It's all about putting on a show
And suffering in silence.

God knows I'd rather do that
Than open my mouth.

"Are you left handed?"
          I'm writing with it, aren't I?

"Oh my god, how do you do that?"
          The same way you write with your right hand.

"You must be super creative."
          Yeah, sure.

"Your hand writing is pretty good for being left handed."
          It still smears.

Painfully watching people attempt to write left handed.

Good luck writing in ink! Even worse than pencil.

Dear Ashley,

          Congratulations! Your parents decided to give you one of the most popular names of the 90s! This is your letter of introduction to being Ashley! However, be informed that your name will not only be just "Ashley". Since it's very common, non-Ashleys will need to differentiate between all of you. You may be nicknamed "Ashley #2" or "Ashley Last Name Initial". Preparing yourself for embarrassment is also essential. Instructors will call out your name, resulting in either you pointing to yourself mouthing, Me? or managing to chirp a "Yes?" in unison with three others, only to feel stupid when it's not you. With a name so stale and boring, you may grow a hatred for it. You will fall in love with unique signatures, wishing they were your own. Over and over again, you will fantasize about changing it. Keep in mind that other Ashleys feel the same. At least you can be thankful you weren't named Frances.

                                                       ­                                   Sincerely,
                   ­                                                                 ­              Ashley

P.S. - Although, personalized key chains are easily accessible!

I've always hated winter
But the beauty of this snowfall
Made me love this winter wonderland

Muffled screams
Caged behind my lips
     Just keep quiet,
Says the voice in my head,
          *People have real problems.

I got a taste
Of your absence
From my life
When I woke up
With my eyes wet
And hands clenched
Visions of your leaving
Swirling in my head
I became stone
And not one part of me
Wanted to move
Afraid I may crack
But only after
I fought through the
Haze of last night
I realize I was only dreaming
My heart is removed
From the guillotine
And relief washes
Over my stiff body
Oh deary, this isn't
The first time
My dreams have
Pained me like this

It's hard to say
When the first onset
Of insecurities
Had taken place

Was it at 17?
When I stared deep
Into the mirror
Despising the reflection?

Was it at 15?
When I dug my fingernails
Into the side of my thigh
When he made me feel like used garbage?

Was it at 13?
When I showed
My mom that award
And it was carelessly tossed on the table?

Was it at 11?
When the snickers
Of my classmates
Reached my heart?

Was it at 9?
When I watched
Mother try to desperately
Cover her imperfections with powder?

Self love?
Self love?
Self love can't dwindle away
When it never existed.

And now at the age
Of barely 20,
I've been searching
The ground
For a speck
Of confidence
And trying my best
To piece together
A backbone
That I never had.

Kiss your lips
And inhale laughter,
Oh god, the way
Your mouth curls,
Eyes become
Gentle slits,
And the bending
Of your brow
Insists on
Intimacy,
Every ounce
Of my soul
Says, "Yes,
Please."

Tangled in
Wrinkled bed sheets
And foggy thoughts
It's still there
The monster I tried
Running from last night
Is ramming its horns
Into my bruised ribs
My appearance resembling
A lazy, hopeless stoner
All of September
Has been a blur
Wiggle into yesterday's clothes
To meet up with the dealer
Just to purchase some
Temporary happiness
Just so the edges
Of my mouth
Could crack
The frown lines
"**** it."
I said
With the flick
Of the lighter
It's not even about
Getting high anymore
It's about escaping
Even for just a while

These clothes, they hide
These clothes, conceal
And when these clothes slide off
There's nothing left to reveal

Unhooked clasps
Undone buttons
Just unwrap this body
'Til absolutely nothin'

My raw self for
Only you to view
Removing this fabric
Is saying that I trust you

Beneath the surface
Of the dark and mysterious
Ocean crests
There's a disturbance
On the ocean floor

Chaos brews and
My bones quiver
As the wave
Towers overhead
Taunting me

Waves crush my chest
Screams fill my lungs
And salty water
Burns my eyes
I'm whisked away...

Oh God, not again
Just another night
Curled on the floor
Crying oceans
And creating tsunamis

Lipstick stains
On my cigarette filter
Come here, Death
Let me kiss your cheek

I heard their
Hearts breaking
Like fine China
On hardwood floor
These hearts are too pure
To be in left in pieces

So accustomed
To your presence
That your ghost
Still haunts me
Even after you've
Been long gone

I can't come to rest my sorrow
On the crutches of religion
But instead believe
In total oblivion

No pearly gates
No heavenly music
Just utter nothingness
And that oddly comforts me

No restrictions on this short life
No Almighty God to obey
Instead just simply live
Just how you want

Pained to the point of marble
   Now a cold statue
      You pray for a chisel

Before the dusting
In my eyes can be swept
My arms are already
Searching for you.
Your lips
Slightly parted,
Inviting me
To kiss them.
Listening to your
Steady breaths,
Watching your chest
Rise and fall.
The stillness
And peacefulness
That rests upon
Your eyelids,
Make me want
To relive this
Every morning
For the rest of my days.

Beautiful people,
Unfair lives.
Why must they suffer?
Why do they cry?
Undeserving pain,
Underlying depression.
Never fading scars
And memory repression.
Their pasts' brimming
With agonizing sadness
And innocent minds
Plagued with madness.

Never truly gone
Always lurking
In the dark corners
Of my conscience
The unseen tormentor
Holds me hostage
In my own mind
I'm betrayed by my own self

          Turn it off...
              Turn it off...
                   Turn it off!

It spits words
Of hate and anger
Completely relentless
And vile -- there's no escape
Impossible to hold your ears
And not listen
When the insults are coming
From your own head

Pull the strings
Laced upon those wrists
Act, puppet!
Act!
For if they're pleased
With what they see on the outside
They won't take a second
To question the inside

So act, puppet!
Act!

I knew I was in trouble
Cause I couldn't help
But fall in love with
Those caramelized eyes

Entangled bodies
Entangled hearts
When it's all over
It's my favorite part

Your voice got louder
My words were hissed
I should've known
You would get ******

Adrenaline balled up
In the palm of my fist
I simply can't take
Much more of this

I knew it from the start
That this wouldn't last
Now I just want out
Real ******' fast

You're so **** controlling
Your tight hold on the reins
I really ******' hate you
I feel it in my veins

Don't accuse me of ****
That I didn't do
But I don't argue anymore
You won't see my view

I broke away from your hold
You don't control me
I can do what I want
I'm finally free

Summer weekends
Lifetime struggles
Just three friends
Sharing their troubles

Sure, we drank
Sure, we smoked
Spilled out feelings
And tears were provoked

But this was us venting
And it oddly felt good
We trusted each other
And we all understood

Windows down
Cold, brisk night
All worries aside
No other car in sight

These roads are all mine
To venture and explore
While the beat of the music
Makes my heart soar

And I’ll keep driving
Until that needle hits “E”
Because sometimes a drive
Is all you really need

It all makes me think
That it’s amazing a drive
Despite the simplicity
Could make me feel so alive