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May 2016 · 2.1k
Death Isn't Scary
Ashley Nicole May 2016
Death has no prejudices. No favorites.
It doesn’t care if you’re young or old, rich or poor.
Death is inevitable, whether or not you’re ready for it.

But once you're dead, what's it like?

It’s like you’re never really in one place, rather everywhere all at once. Like your conscience has been sprinkled throughout the world like grains of sand and your breath is part of the wind.
Your voice is now the rustling of the trees and your blood is rushing water in the rivers. You’re no longer confined to a vessel and you feel like you’ve never actually felt completely free until now.
Your energy that was manifested in your body is now recycled back into Earth. There’s an immense sense of belonging and contentment, like you’re comfortably numb.

There is no sense of time.
The years, days, hours, minutes, seconds; mean nothing.

When you’re young, you feel indestructible. You feel immortal.
There’s always a tomorrow because the sun is promised to rise the next day. It’s hard to imagine a day that you won’t exist anymore.
It’s easy to take things for granted. Sometimes it’s hard for people to realize how fragile human beings really are.
It doesn’t take much for our soul to be ripped from our bodies.
Not much at all.
These are some excerpts from a paper that I had to write for my Death&Dying; college course this semester. We had to write about how our own death. After reading my paper, my professor wrote something very special to me on the last page. She told me that it was the best paper she had read and she absolutely hoped that I was pursuing a career in writing. As an aspiring writer, this meant SO much to me.
Apr 2016 · 4.1k
The Little Bookworm
Ashley Nicole Apr 2016
She carefully creased the corners,
Bookmarking her favorite parts.
Because the words on those pages
Seemed to touch her heart.
Aniya lent me a book and I noticed she does what I do
Feb 2016 · 3.0k
Sovereignty of the Somber
Ashley Nicole Feb 2016
Children of the Moon!
Abandon your worn shoes
And frolic freely, barefoot
In Her midnight light;

Let down your lovely locks
And bare your ashen skin
To allow Her celestial lips
Kiss your collar bones;

Let Her blanket of shadows
Drape over your shoulders,
While She crowns you with
A headdress of night diamonds.
Nighttime is when the battered souls unveil themselves
and the Moon welcomes them with open arms.

Wrote this while listening to
Bravado by Lorde on loop.
Ashley Nicole Jan 2016
The difference between
Real life & the movies?
A script.
I always imagine things leading up
to a happy ending
but I forget that
life is life and it has its twists and turns.
Ashley Nicole Jan 2016
When they called me worthless...
I grasped my purpose.

When they called me stupid...
I discovered my intellect.

When they called me weird...
I learned "normal" didn't exist.

When they called me ugly...
I found beauty within myself.

I realized the things they called me weren't true
When I finally stopped believing them.
And I refused to ever let anyone's opinion of me
Hold up as fact in my mind ever again.

And that helped mold the stronger person I am today.
You know who you are, don't ever let anyone try to tell you differently.

It took me years until I could reflect this way. And I no longer feel bad for myself, but for them; For not having the human decency to not prowl on those who seem smaller than them and not possessing the empathy to understand that what they said was hurtful. I can only hope they've grown stronger too since high school.
Dec 2015 · 2.0k
The Divorce
Ashley Nicole Dec 2015
A crack trailed down
The center of my heart
When I saw my dad cry
As his world fell apart

I remember him sitting
On the living room floor
Crying as his wife told him
He can't see his kids anymore

I got down beside him
And hugged him so tight
Wishing that I could make
Every thing right

But mommy was leaving
And taking us along
So he told us he loved us
And said to be strong
I was nine years when my mom decided she didn't love him anymore and took my sister and I away, where we wouldn't see him for the next 9 months. We missed him so much. Although he let us know he was loving us every day, which I explained in a poem I wrote a long time ago called Road Signs.

My sister and I had always been daddy's girls so being torn away from our dad was absolute Hell. It wouldn't be until years down the road we would end up back in the house we grew up in.

Almost 6 years after, we're still under the same roof as him, and are happier than we've ever been.
Dec 2015 · 955
The Good Die Young
Ashley Nicole Dec 2015
All the good people
Either crumble
Under the pressure
Or get shot down
By the hand
Of evil
Anyone who has ever risen to help change the world seems to fall from grace or get shot in the head
Dec 2015 · 1.1k
Dusty Shades
Ashley Nicole Dec 2015
You pull down the blinds
To shun out the sun
Because you're too comfortable
In the darkness
Sometimes your depression is more comfortable than any other feelings.
Dec 2015 · 723
Read Between the Lines
Ashley Nicole Dec 2015
You don't express love in the ways that I want you to,
But you express it in the ways that you know how.
You're not big on affection. For a while, I took it to heart , but that's just who you are. I just had to look closer.

Asking me about my day,
encouraging me with my studies,
telling me to be careful when it's foggy,
turning up the heater in the car
because you know my feet are always so cold,
making sure that I've eaten that day
and just looking out for me in general.

I love you too.
Nov 2015 · 637
Heavy Heart to Carry (10w)
Ashley Nicole Nov 2015
Some days
The gravitational pull on my heart
Feels stronger
Sometimes, even for no reason, it feels like my chest is filled with rocks.
Nov 2015 · 1.7k
Ashley Nicole Nov 2015
Rosy cheeks, enticing lips
Lashes as black as sin
But really, your true beauty
Can only be found within
Your beauty doesn't wash off with soap and water.
Nov 2015 · 839
Self "Medicate"
Ashley Nicole Nov 2015
She assured me
That she knew her limit,
But it didn't take long
Until she drank herself
Into total oblivion
Out cold on the floor
With dried tears on her cheeks.
She tries to drown
Her demons in *****
But she tends to forget
That alcohol ...
Only makes them stronger.
Every time we drink together, it turns out this way...
Nov 2015 · 14.1k
Bloody Ballerina Slippers
Ashley Nicole Nov 2015
We are all ballerinas
Tying our broken, battered toes
Into pretty, pink satin slippers
its all about hiding and pretending it doesn't hurt
Nov 2015 · 1.5k
Love and Loathe (10 w)
Ashley Nicole Nov 2015
It is so much easier to love you
Than myself
I don't exactly believe in that saying that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. You can love someone with every ounce of your soul and still look in the mirror and loathe yourself.
Oct 2015 · 1.1k
Sailor Heart
Ashley Nicole Oct 2015
Sometimes we're too afraid to set sail
In fear that we'll miss what we left behind
And fear what unknowns lie ahead
Written for a friend who's struggling to decide which to do
Ashley Nicole Oct 2015
My anxieties mimic a droplet
Dripping into calm pond waters
Starting at first small,
But rippling and
Growing bigger...
And bigger...
And bigger.
Oct 2015 · 630
Ashley Nicole Oct 2015
Take me to a place
Where the stars shimmer
Like fish scales
Across the night sky
And where we become
Celestial bodies

One with the universe
And one with each other
Wrote this months ago while ******
Oct 2015 · 1.5k
Evil Cannot Cross
Ashley Nicole Oct 2015
I poured salt at the doorways of my mind
In attempts to keep the demons out
Trying to be a lot more optimistic lately. So far my mood has definitely improved.
Sep 2015 · 7.5k
Ashley Nicole Sep 2015
You are the lighthouse of my life
And my heart was a ship lost at sea
Sailing upon crashing waves
Threatening to capsize
Aug 2015 · 951
Iris Inferno
Ashley Nicole Aug 2015
The wildfires in your eyes
Burn bright enough
To illuminate a thousand skies

Leaving me

Up in smoke
Aug 2015 · 448
Summer's End
Ashley Nicole Aug 2015
Underneath the ceiling of stars,
Your finger traced constellations
That told legends about Gods.
We'd settle on the swing set
I spent my childhood on
And smoke cigarettes
Talking about how we felt so old
All the while still feeling so young.
And there were moments
When I'd look at you
And marvel at your presence,
Just thanking the universe
For being privileged to love you.
This one is to my other half.
I love him so dearly.
Aug 2015 · 983
Unique Harmony (10w)
Ashley Nicole Aug 2015
Two misfits found comfort
In the arms of each other.
Jul 2015 · 9.0k
Sexual Harassment 101
Ashley Nicole Jul 2015
I was on my way to a party
Dressed in heels and a crop top
When I entered the corner store
To purchase some snacks
And on my way to the cashier
A man standing in an aisle
Browsing through peanuts
Glanced up and stopped mid-search
When I clicked past him
And proceeded to uncomfortably stare

I walked into the gas station
Wearing dark wash jeans and a v-neck
With my best friend at 2 AM
When two drunken men stumbled in
And began eyeing us up and smirking
My friend leaned in to me and whispered,
     "I'm really scared."
Overhearing her, one man elbowed the other
And with a smile on his face taunted,
          "Oh no, we're scaring them."

I was at the laundry mat one night
Wearing shorts and a baggy shirt
When a middle aged man across the room
Kept gawking at me from over the washers
Uneasy, I went outside to smoke
To which he stood at the window
And kept a close eye on me
I called a friend and stayed on the phone
Because I was afraid to go back
And get my clothes alone

I stepped out of my vehicle
In my sweatpants and flipflops
To grab some cigarettes quick
When a white bearded man
Was already at my heels
"Hey, how're you honey?"
I quickly replied, "fine".
And hurried into the store
Without looking back

It seems like every time I leave the house
It doesn't matter what I'm wearing
It could be "provocative" or a burlap sack
I always end up feeling threatened
     Heartbeat in my ears
          Cold sweat on my back
So don't blame it on my outfit
Don't blame it on my actions
Because I'm not asking for it
I just want to be left alone
It's not right that I fear for my own safety because animalistic people can't control themselves and act right.

I'm going to have to invest in pocket mace.

I wish I didn't have to.
Ashley Nicole Jul 2015
The stars are falling off my ceiling.

I'm paying bills,
Buying college books,
Saving for a car,

And the stars are falling off my ceiling.

My calendar is full
Marked with appointments
And work hours

And the stars are falling off my ceiling.

My friends are getting married,
Having children,
And buying houses,

And the stars are falling off my ceiling.

Like the child
In my heart
Is emaciating,

I'm twenty years old,
And the stars are falling off my ceiling.
Trying to embrace adulthood, but it all seems so strange.
Also, I'm too old to have glow in the dark stars on my ceiling.
Jun 2015 · 2.2k
Deep Sea Diving
Ashley Nicole Jun 2015
I want to take a dive in to your psyche
Tread past every memory and thought
Ride the tides of your emotions
And every tsunami you've ever sought

I want to take a deep breath and immerse,
Propel myself to your ocean floor
Where the darkness and the unknown
Has always existed but was never explored
I want to pick your brain.
Jun 2015 · 1.5k
Unanswered Calls
Ashley Nicole Jun 2015
We remain disconnected,
Like I'm calling on the phone
But always just getting a busy signal.
I've tried getting close to you,
but it's like there's a wall there.
Don't lock me out.
Let me in.
Jun 2015 · 915
Don't Forget to Remember
Ashley Nicole Jun 2015
I find myself constantly reminding people
How much I love them
Because when my soul parts my body,
My bones won't be able to tell them.
I want them to know their existence means the world to me.
This one goes out to everyone who's ever given a ****.
Cause you never know when your last day will be.
May 2015 · 605
Young and Brave
Ashley Nicole May 2015
Boots kicked up
By the dwindling fire pit
Watching the sun rise
Most have gone home
Or passed out
But here I sit
Slumped in a lawn chair
Thinking, "****, last night was fun."
May 2015 · 15.2k
Fuck You Bitch: A Haiku
Ashley Nicole May 2015
YOU DUMB ******* *****
Dear ***** that has no respect for relationships, this is for you.
Apr 2015 · 742
Empty Hopes
Ashley Nicole Apr 2015
I place too much faith in "maybe"
Just simply hanging on a fantasy
Apr 2015 · 1.1k
Zero Motivation
Ashley Nicole Apr 2015
How am I supposed to be something great,
When I can't even get myself up out of bed?
Life, man. Gettin' me down.
Apr 2015 · 437
All You Can Eat
Ashley Nicole Apr 2015
I'm alone with so much on my mind
And I swear it's eating me alive
Like those demons in my head are hungry
And my brains are on the buffet
****, man.
Ashley Nicole Apr 2015
Try to remember
That night skies still shimmer with stars
Just a little something to encourage myself with.
Cheesy, but oh well.
Apr 2015 · 1.7k
Ashley Nicole Apr 2015
My heart, a hospice house
For all my hopes and dreams
My mind, a prison
Where thoughts shake their shackles
My eyes, are windows
With curtains always drawn
Apr 2015 · 1.1k
But This Is Reality
Ashley Nicole Apr 2015
Scripted romance
On tv screens
Fictional love
Inked on paper
Raising expectations
For helpless romantics
We live off these things. They aren't realistic and it's not fair to us or anyone else drilling these expectations in our heads
Apr 2015 · 1.2k
Ashley Nicole Apr 2015
Six hundred miles per hour west bound
And one thousand five hundred miles away
I went where the sun kisses the mountains good night
Went to Colorado for spring break and I can't believe how much I enjoyed myself out there. The people I came into contact with out there were so interesting and friendly, not at all what I'm used to at home. This was the first place I've ever felt comfortable to be in public. I felt okay with being in a crowd, because I didn't feel judging eyes on me. It was like I never lived a day with insecurities. Oh, Colorado. I'll come back for you, love. <3
Apr 2015 · 1.0k
Ashley Nicole Apr 2015
I miss you before our lips
Even kiss goodbye
Mar 2015 · 3.4k
By Michelangelo's Hands
Ashley Nicole Mar 2015
And for the first time
Someone made me feel as beautiful
As chiseled Renaissance marble
I'm ******.
Mar 2015 · 692
Up and Down
Ashley Nicole Mar 2015
Wake at sunrise happy
to only want to die by sundown.

One moment enjoying life then wishing the next
to exchange it for death.

Seething with anger then shaking with anxiety
and a burst of depression,
All in one ******* day?

Strong to helpless
in the blink of an eye?

Internal debates on whether
to seek help

Or clamp a hand over
my own **** mouth.

*I need stability. I can't live like this.

You're just being dramatic. **** it up.
Wrote this early last winter

Things are better now.
Mar 2015 · 1.1k
Who Am I?
Ashley Nicole Mar 2015
When we think of "self",
We identify as
But are we really only just one person?
Is I actually plural?
There are different versions of ourselves.
Some versions we trap deep inside in cages
And some we throw on stage to perform every day.
We discussed this in my Psych class and it was pretty interesting.
Mar 2015 · 1.7k
Is It That Obvious? (10w)
Ashley Nicole Mar 2015
"You are in love. People in love smile like that."
I work in a personal care facility and one of the women I was taking care of Sunday night looked at me and said this. She couldn't be more right.

Update: She passed away this past summer. I'll always remember her sweet words and beautiful sense of humor. Rest easy, sweets.
Mar 2015 · 2.4k
Ashley Nicole Mar 2015
You know you're happy with life
When you finally fear death
Happy days
Feb 2015 · 639
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
A wounded animal
Runs off and hides
To lick its wounds

No matter how much you call for them
They want to die alone
All I want to do is help him.
Feb 2015 · 283
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
Someone filled my chest
With cement
Feb 2015 · 1.3k
Atomic Number 83
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
He palmed me a bismuth,

*You remind me of this crystal.
You're not flashy but you're beautiful.
Underlying beauty
Feb 2015 · 6.6k
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
You can try to erase it
But there's always a ghost line
Left on the page
Regrets, man
Feb 2015 · 563
20 Feb 2:02 AM
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
They say there's a universe in each of us

And I only want to explore your's
I'm cheesy at this hour.
Feb 2015 · 566
Fell In Fall (10w)
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
Fell for each other
As leaves fell from the trees
October 2013
Feb 2015 · 19.5k
Goodnight (15w)
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
I realized when I'm drifting to sleep
You are the majority of my last thoughts
Was drifting to sleep but woke up when I imagined I heard your voice...
Feb 2015 · 2.0k
Anniversary Card
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
Tucked away in my purse
Is the card you presented to me
On our one year anniversary
Inside you wrote,
"It's crummy for now,
but will get better. I love you."
I know what you meant,
That school and work
Had interfered with our time together,
That after you get that degree
Our once or twice a week visits
Will become a memory.
But that's not why
I'm carrying around this
Anniversary card.
I want to believe that
Everything else crummy
Will get better too,
No matter how much I doubt it.
I try to keep this card close
And hang on to the hope
Penned by your hand.
Finally posting this draft from January.
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