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Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
They say there's a universe in each of us

And I only want to explore your's
I'm cheesy at this hour.
Ashley Nicole Apr 2015
I'm alone with so much on my mind
And I swear it's eating me alive
Like those demons in my head are hungry
And my brains are on the buffet
****, man.
Ashley Nicole Oct 2015
My anxieties mimic a droplet
Dripping into calm pond waters
Starting at first small,
But rippling and
Growing bigger...
And bigger...
And bigger.
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
Tucked away in my purse
Is the card you presented to me
On our one year anniversary
Inside you wrote,
"It's crummy for now,
but will get better. I love you."
I know what you meant,
That school and work
Had interfered with our time together,
That after you get that degree
Our once or twice a week visits
Will become a memory.
But that's not why
I'm carrying around this
Anniversary card.
I want to believe that
Everything else crummy
Will get better too,
No matter how much I doubt it.
I try to keep this card close
And hang on to the hope
Penned by your hand.
Finally posting this draft from January.
Ashley Nicole Dec 2014
Stuck between
Not wanting to exist
But not exactly wanting to die
Ashley Nicole Dec 2014
.                        I see constellations                      ✧
                        ✧  ­             In your eyes             。                          
    ゜                            That ignite solar flares                                
。                      On my skin                        ✷
                                                             
*                                 ゜
     .
Ashley Nicole Jan 2016
When they called me worthless...
I grasped my purpose.

When they called me stupid...
I discovered my intellect.

When they called me weird...
I learned "normal" didn't exist.

When they called me ugly...
I found beauty within myself.

I realized the things they called me weren't true
When I finally stopped believing them.
And I refused to ever let anyone's opinion of me
Hold up as fact in my mind ever again.

And that helped mold the stronger person I am today.
You know who you are, don't ever let anyone try to tell you differently.

It took me years until I could reflect this way. And I no longer feel bad for myself, but for them; For not having the human decency to not prowl on those who seem smaller than them and not possessing the empathy to understand that what they said was hurtful. I can only hope they've grown stronger too since high school.
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
He palmed me a bismuth,

*You remind me of this crystal.
You're not flashy but you're beautiful.
Underlying beauty
Ashley Nicole Oct 2014
The leaves
Make death
Look beautiful
Ashley Nicole Oct 2014
Summer weekends
Lifetime struggles
Just three friends
Sharing their troubles

Sure, we drank
Sure, we smoked
Spilled out feelings
And tears were provoked

But this was us venting
And it oddly felt good
We trusted each other
And we all understood
This past summer was one that won't be forgotten. Learned a lot about myself and others. Wrote this for my buddies.
Ashley Nicole Oct 2014
Entangled bodies
Entangled hearts
When it's all over
It's my favorite part
afterwards cuddling
Ashley Nicole Nov 2015
We are all ballerinas
Tying our broken, battered toes
Into pretty, pink satin slippers
its all about hiding and pretending it doesn't hurt
Ashley Nicole Nov 2014
My skin is a canvas
To paint how I please.
Whether you paint it with ink, carve it like wood, or drench it with watercolors
It's your's to decorate
Ashley Nicole Apr 2015
Scripted romance
On tv screens
Fictional love
Inked on paper
Raising expectations
For helpless romantics
We live off these things. They aren't realistic and it's not fair to us or anyone else drilling these expectations in our heads
Ashley Nicole Mar 2015
And for the first time
Someone made me feel as beautiful
As chiseled Renaissance marble
I'm ******.
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
A lump of coal
Tossed into the fire
Before it even stood a chance
Of becoming a diamond

And all it needed was time
Ashley Nicole Apr 2015
Six hundred miles per hour west bound
And one thousand five hundred miles away
I went where the sun kisses the mountains good night
Went to Colorado for spring break and I can't believe how much I enjoyed myself out there. The people I came into contact with out there were so interesting and friendly, not at all what I'm used to at home. This was the first place I've ever felt comfortable to be in public. I felt okay with being in a crowd, because I didn't feel judging eyes on me. It was like I never lived a day with insecurities. Oh, Colorado. I'll come back for you, love. <3
Ashley Nicole Jan 2015
If I did it tonight,
I could rest on Sunday
Forever.
Ashley Nicole May 2016
Death has no prejudices. No favorites.
It doesn’t care if you’re young or old, rich or poor.
Death is inevitable, whether or not you’re ready for it.

But once you're dead, what's it like?

It’s like you’re never really in one place, rather everywhere all at once. Like your conscience has been sprinkled throughout the world like grains of sand and your breath is part of the wind.
Your voice is now the rustling of the trees and your blood is rushing water in the rivers. You’re no longer confined to a vessel and you feel like you’ve never actually felt completely free until now.
Your energy that was manifested in your body is now recycled back into Earth. There’s an immense sense of belonging and contentment, like you’re comfortably numb.

There is no sense of time.
The years, days, hours, minutes, seconds; mean nothing.

When you’re young, you feel indestructible. You feel immortal.
There’s always a tomorrow because the sun is promised to rise the next day. It’s hard to imagine a day that you won’t exist anymore.
It’s easy to take things for granted. Sometimes it’s hard for people to realize how fragile human beings really are.
It doesn’t take much for our soul to be ripped from our bodies.
Not much at all.
These are some excerpts from a paper that I had to write for my Death&Dying; college course this semester. We had to write about how our own death. After reading my paper, my professor wrote something very special to me on the last page. She told me that it was the best paper she had read and she absolutely hoped that I was pursuing a career in writing. As an aspiring writer, this meant SO much to me.
Ashley Nicole Jun 2015
I want to take a dive in to your psyche
Tread past every memory and thought
Ride the tides of your emotions
And every tsunami you've ever sought

I want to take a deep breath and immerse,
Propel myself to your ocean floor
Where the darkness and the unknown
Has always existed but was never explored
I want to pick your brain.
Ashley Nicole Oct 2014
Never truly gone
Always lurking
In the dark corners
Of my conscience
The unseen tormentor
Holds me hostage
In my own mind
I'm betrayed by my own self

          Turn it off...
              Turn it off...
                   Turn it off!

It spits words
Of hate and anger
Completely relentless
And vile -- there's no escape
Impossible to hold your ears
And not listen
When the insults are coming
From your own head
Just when I thought I had my emotions in check...
Ashley Nicole Apr 2015
My heart, a hospice house
For all my hopes and dreams
My mind, a prison
Where thoughts shake their shackles
My eyes, are windows
With curtains always drawn
Ashley Nicole Jun 2015
I find myself constantly reminding people
How much I love them
Because when my soul parts my body,
My bones won't be able to tell them.
I want them to know their existence means the world to me.
This one goes out to everyone who's ever given a ****.
Cause you never know when your last day will be.
<3
Ashley Nicole Dec 2015
You pull down the blinds
To shun out the sun
Because you're too comfortable
In the darkness
Sometimes your depression is more comfortable than any other feelings.
Ashley Nicole Apr 2015
I place too much faith in "maybe"
Just simply hanging on a fantasy
Ashley Nicole Dec 2014
We smoke dried leaves
And drink fermented fruit
To try to escape the prison of reality
Even if it's just momentarily
Ashley Nicole Jul 2015
The stars are falling off my ceiling.

I'm paying bills,
Buying college books,
Saving for a car,

And the stars are falling off my ceiling.

My calendar is full
Marked with appointments
And work hours

And the stars are falling off my ceiling.

My friends are getting married,
Having children,
And buying houses,

And the stars are falling off my ceiling.

Like the child
In my heart
Is emaciating,

I'm twenty years old,
And the stars are falling off my ceiling.
Trying to embrace adulthood, but it all seems so strange.
Also, I'm too old to have glow in the dark stars on my ceiling.
Ashley Nicole Oct 2015
I poured salt at the doorways of my mind
In attempts to keep the demons out
Trying to be a lot more optimistic lately. So far my mood has definitely improved.
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
Fell for each other
As leaves fell from the trees
October 2013
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
Every time you've ever ****** up, you'd sing your anthem to me.

Forgive and forget.
     Forgive and forget.


**** forgive and forget.

Forgiveness was never something you deserved.
Not when you've drug someone through Hell and back
Time and time again, never stopping to think about
Anyone else but yourself.
Hurting those around you constantly.
Always saying that you'd change, but we all knew better.
You would use that quote to your advantage
To win back the hearts of those you used and manipulated.

No.
You don't deserve forgiveness.

And to forget? HA! I refuse.
Doing so would only allow myself to never learn.
To never stop making the same mistake of giving you second chances
That you will never deserve.
I won't be prisoner to this constant state of denial that every thing is okay.

I know what you've done.
And it's not okay.

So have a good ******* life, you *******.
This one is about my first real boyfriend who ended up being a real *******.
Ashley Nicole Oct 2014
I heard their
Hearts breaking
Like fine China
On hardwood floor
These hearts are too pure
To be in left in pieces
To my friends suffering heart ache...
They don't deserve to be hurting like they are.
Ashley Nicole Dec 2014
I scream until my throat aches and ignites.
I scream until my face flushes.
I've been screaming all day,
But nobody has heard me.
Ashley Nicole Oct 2014
Your voice got louder
My words were hissed
I should've known
You would get ******

Adrenaline balled up
In the palm of my fist
I simply can't take
Much more of this

I knew it from the start
That this wouldn't last
Now I just want out
Real ******' fast

You're so **** controlling
Your tight hold on the reins
I really ******' hate you
I feel it in my veins

Don't accuse me of ****
That I didn't do
But I don't argue anymore
You won't see my view

I broke away from your hold
You don't control me
I can do what I want
I'm finally free
Ashley Nicole May 2015
I'LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF
AND I'LL **** STRAIGHT DOWN YOUR THROAT
YOU DUMB ******* *****
Dear ***** that has no respect for relationships, this is for you.
Ashley Nicole Oct 2015
Take me to a place
Where the stars shimmer
Like fish scales
Across the night sky
And where we become
Celestial bodies

One with the universe
And one with each other
Wrote this months ago while ******
Ashley Nicole Oct 2014
So accustomed
To your presence
That your ghost
Still haunts me
Even after you've
Been long gone
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
I realized when I'm drifting to sleep
You are the majority of my last thoughts
Was drifting to sleep but woke up when I imagined I heard your voice...
Ashley Nicole Dec 2014
Sad so often,
Seemed to forget
How to be happy.
Ashley Nicole Nov 2014
Tonight, the moon and my eyes
Share the same color
Ashley Nicole Nov 2014
Tangled in
Wrinkled bed sheets
And foggy thoughts
It's still there
The monster I tried
Running from last night
Is ramming its horns
Into my bruised ribs
My appearance resembling
A lazy, hopeless stoner
All of September
Has been a blur
Wiggle into yesterday's clothes
To meet up with the dealer
Just to purchase some
Temporary happiness
Just so the edges
Of my mouth
Could crack
The frown lines
"**** it."
I said
With the flick
Of the lighter
It's not even about
Getting high anymore
It's about escaping
Even for just a while
Flew on auto pilot for a majority of September
Ashley Nicole Nov 2015
Some days
The gravitational pull on my heart
Feels stronger
Sometimes, even for no reason, it feels like my chest is filled with rocks.
Ashley Nicole Nov 2014
Leave a mark
So I know I wasn't just dreaming
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
Hi, my name's Ashley. And I'm a hopeless romantic.

     "Hi, Ashley."

     I've been a hopeless romantic for as long as I can remember. I guess it all started with doodle hearts on the margins of school notes, which honestly, has ended up spiraling out of control. It really has been a struggle. I grew up believing in happily ever afters. I peer out from behind heart shaped glasses, dreaming up fairy tale scenarios on the daily. Believing that chivalry still lives on, or at least hoping it does somewhere. My heart aches when affections aren't returned. My soul is restless and passionate. I've been desperately hanging on the belief that love always prevails. My concept of life just isn't realistic anymore and when it falls short of my expectations, I feel like I'm being let down... over and over and over again.

     *"We're here for you, Ashley."
Ashley Nicole Feb 2015
A wounded animal
Runs off and hides
To lick its wounds

No matter how much you call for them
They want to die alone
All I want to do is help him.
Ashley Nicole Aug 2015
The wildfires in your eyes
Burn bright enough
To illuminate a thousand skies


Leaving me
...

Up in smoke
Ashley Nicole Mar 2015
"You are in love. People in love smile like that."
I work in a personal care facility and one of the women I was taking care of Sunday night looked at me and said this. She couldn't be more right.

Update: She passed away this past summer. I'll always remember her sweet words and beautiful sense of humor. Rest easy, sweets.
Ashley Nicole Jan 2015
It seems my high expectations
Have bought me countless disappointments.
And yet I still can't seem to kick the idea
I'm not in some fairy tale
Ashley Nicole Apr 2015
Try to remember
That night skies still shimmer with stars
Just a little something to encourage myself with.
Cheesy, but oh well.
Ashley Nicole Jan 2015
As soon as I reach out
For an extended hand
I pull back
And tell myself
"I'm fine".
As soon as I ask for help, I immdiately regret it.
Ashley Nicole Nov 2014
Lipstick stains
On my cigarette filter
Come here, Death
Let me kiss your cheek
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