Like a white bird in a blizzard
I'm invisible
In middle is where I'm delivered
Battling the freezing storms
No one notices, but that's the norm
The battles I wage are as silent
As the first feathery snows at night
This world is cold and cruel
There is no golden rule
One of these days when you finally look, I'll be found
Lying frozen to the ground

Everyone has there daily struggles
But with depression it's more than doubled
I rise each day to face the sun
But a part of me just wants to run
To hide away and lock the door
Or **** someone and settle the score

The wounds inflected on me I can not hide
You can see them all plainly on every side
They are apart of me, inside and out
I've been prey to many, and my trophy head they mount
In their memory of victims, I'm another count

They did it slow, they took their time, in no hurry
Then sent me off to the ******* taxidermy

They cleaned me up and stuff in the saw dust
But all you see standing before you, is just my crust.

Why is it the stars and not the sun that makes me feel as small as I do
Maybe because thy cover the sky like twinkling dew

I lay under them and watch the light of millions of dead
Most not realizing that their gone, no tears are shed

Is it the night
Because our thoughts turn to frights
Is that why I feel so small under their light
To weak to put up a fight

I don't really know the reason, but here I am
Smaller than a grain of sand
My place in this universe, just a fleeting moment
A dying ember with not much content

Yes it's the stars that make me feel so small
Like lost memories down the minds empty hall

A cookie cutter version is what this world wants
So my wild messed up ways I flaunt
You can try to figure me out
As in your face I shout
I'm not like the rest, I never will be
You look but don't see
The uniqueness in me
Theres no other that comes close
No one can make that boast
They ask why can't you be like the rest
Well.....I really don't want to be secound best

Like a tree in the night I am the shadows
Forever an image froze

I'm just a mirage
Decked out in camouflage
A black silouet against a sea of gray
The drakness conceals the decay

Bending under the weight
Of this darkest fate
For I've tasted the sorrow
Of every single tomorrow

Watched the moonbeams resistance Against the darks existence
The star's twinkle in denial
But the darkness has been there all the while

And I ...... I am only shadows
An image froze

Spring is all dressed up in her flowered gown
Upon her leafy green head set's a splendid sun lit crown
Her lips are the brightest cardinal red
Winter seen her coming and hastily fled
Animals wake from their long sleep, waiting on her to see
Her eyes are as deep and blue as the brilliant sea
On her finger's resides diamonds of dew
Spreading through the sky, rainbow hues
She stretches fourth her eager hand
Her green thumb touching every piece of land
As the tears run down her face
Bringing life once more with grace

The darkness is about to take you
And there is nothing I can say or do
Just remember my friend
Your pain when you die for you might end
But it doesn't disappear
Just where will it land and adhere
How far will the pain you release go
I guess you'll never know

But I will bear witness to your butterfly effect
I will watch the ripples and where they will project
Will your little catipiller hold up under the pain
Will he be able to bear the strain
Or will he fallow in your steps
Spreading more of that butterfly effect

I will bear witness with tears bitting my eyes
As I say my goodbyes
I know I'll get a chunk of your pain to add to my own
I will be counted among the victims that your act has sown

But I will just bite down and bear it, I'll have to
Because my catipillers I won't put thru
That evil butterfly effect
Please my friend before you do, please just sit down and reflect!!!!!

Iphone, laptops, and the internet is to make us all smarter
But it makes us all dumber, and life alot harder
Microwaves, bread makers, electric can openers so we can save time
To help us make supper on less of a dime
We no longer talk to friends we text
Ment to bring us closer but it's more like a hex
Want to see a sunset just look on a screen
Don't go outside that would be obscene
We spend all our time at work to buy possessions
It's like an obsession
This material world perplexes me
It's all around me, you see
Ment to bring us closer, save us money, and time
But we are always working so much, it's more like a crime
No time for family, friend or mother nature
In this material world we've fallen into a crater
Wouldn't it be funny if the plug was pulled
And we would have to go back to using hand tools
I think we all would turn into drooling fools

Keep them drugged, keep them drugged
All of the masses
Keep them drugged, keep them drugged
Till they all become passive

Keep them drugged, keep them drugged
So they know longer have voices
Keep them drugged, keep them drugged
Till they no longer have choices

Keep them drugged, keep them drugged
Let them all become sheep
Keep them drugged, keep them drugged
Till their all nice and meek

With their drug addled mind
Their own thoughts will be hard to find
Then we'll input thoughts that are ours
For we are the great and mighty powers
We will tell them we know what's best
Not just for them but all of the rest

Like Sheppards to sheep we'll guide them along
And they will continue to sing our programmed happy song

For when the world starts to come to an end
We'll keep them drugged and tell them we are their friends
For when that day comes we'll shake and we'll sift
Pick out the good ones, drive the rest off a cliff

She must always be the center of attention
Loud as hell too, if I even need to mention
You know when she's around
She bellows like an old basset hound
When she's here she'll let you know
As picture after picture of herself she'll show
Always bragging on herself and her's
Like under your saddle a well placed bur
The same old stories over and over
She can talk anyone sober
I can only take her in a small dose
Not in walls that are close
In an open field, in case I need to bolt
Because I just can not cope
With the stream of ****
That spews from her lips
I'll run like a wild horse
It would be hard to follow my course
When I can't put up with her any longer
That attention seeking monger

In my deepest darkest night
I don't need words they're so contrite
I just need someone to brave this sight
Hold me so close and tight

The one who would,  seen his light
Grew his wings and took his flight
Flew so far, his out of sight
Left me all alone in the dark to fight

So I don't need your words, they only bite
Words can be so contrite
I need someone to hold me tight
While I wage my war and fight
But everyone is scared of the sight
Of a broken soul in the deepest darkest night

Will we meet upon the green grass hill
Will you come and sit with me still
Underneath the old oak tree
We can sit and gaze at the sea
We can watch the white top waves
As it beats toward the caves
The sea foams frothy white at the wide open mouth
And when the wind blows from the south

You can almost hear the pirates song
When they use to visit the cave, but those years are long gone
That's where they use to hide their treasures
But now only the waves laps in at it's leisure

You once asked me,"why don't you explore the cave by the sea"
"To find diamonds and the gold that there might be"
I only shot you a smile
Because I knew all the while
I had all ready found my diamond
And around you my arms I tightened

But that was many years ago
And the winds of time did blow
It aged our bodies, and took you away
So I made that climb up hill today

To sit up under that old oak tree
To reminisce of what use to be
To hold tight the ghost of your memory
For that's one thing time can't take from me

An angel landed by my side
He spread his wings open wide
"Come here my child I'll let you hide"

"Come here I will protect
From all that would effect
I will not let any of that affect"

"You've been beaten, you've been bruised
You've been mislead, you've been used
Your past is misconstrued"

"I am your guardian angel, I am your sword
For you have been given to me, I am your ward
Sent to save you from the hoards"

"Of demons ment to do you in
They've toyed with you with their every whim
You have no need to suffer anymore within you skin"

I guess he thought I would run to him
But my anger towards this Angel was filled to the brim
He took to long to save me, now I'm standing on the rim

"Where was you, my sword wielding Angel for all those years
I was left to perish among my agony and fears
You showing up now, just grinds my gears"

I guess he was expecting me to be nice
I guess he didn't see my knife
Or he would of taken fight
I furiously cut he's wings off
Then I stood there and scoffed
"Now you will see
How it is to be
Stuck just like me"
The look on his face was priceless
I had taken away he's devices
Of soaring above the muck and the mire
Now in this demon ravaged land, with me he could expire

Another day and they say "it's a new beginning"
But is it really, it feels more like an ending
An ending of time
In a life that doesn't rhyme

An unending march into the uncertain
Like the droping of life's curtain
Another day closer to the end
But I'm still waiting on my life to begin

I'm tired of this life's storyline
I want a different out come this time
I want happy, not sad
I want the good, not the bad

But there is no off ramp
Sadness leaving it's tattooed stamp
An uneasy feel of being a ***** lost *****
Meanwhile life just goes on like a vamp

Over and over the same music plays
A sorrowful song, for long anguished days
But I want a change in the beat
An uplifting melody to get me on my feet

Will you be my new rhythm
An escape from my prison
Are you my golden key
Will you try to set me free

Will you hold me tight
When I'm a sad sorry sight
There is no cure for my depression
But will you help the darkness lessen

Or will you run for the hills
Jump in the sea and grow gills
Just to get away
From a disease you can not sway

As the darkness continues devouring
Will you leave me here cowering
Slowly choking down another toxic pill
Till this clock like heart's hands stand still

©Pauline Russell

On the verge of innocence
But you was so meticulous
In your vicious wickedness
I had no idea of your fecklesness
Then you left me there to die
I could see the evil in your eyes
You tried so hard your evil to impart
But I'm not as weak as you had thought
In your wickedness I will take no part

Instead I'll forgive you and steal that power
That you thought over me would tower

For no one can take my empathy
For I have tasted the agony
Of many lifes and many years
I've cried a million tears

And I can see the pain in others
Even when they try to cover
With happy smiles that don't reach the eyes
I see the tears that they lock inside
And always I'll stand by their side
That in our agony we can connect
I'll never be one that will reject

For I've traveled the road their going down
Many times in fact, I know the bumps and the sounds
Even been chased by the devils hounds
But every time I do rebound
But with the passing years it's getting harder
And soon one day I know, I'll be counted as just another martyr

You don't like my poems because they rhyme
I don't give a **** these poems are mine
You think your a serious writer
But my pen is mightier
You use big words to impress
You think with words you are blessed
I can use big words too
But I prefer *******!!!
Big words are great in the right context
But with your words you're only trying to vex
So stand aside and watch me go
With the rhythm, rhyme and flow
This is no childs poem....it's mine
And I'm gonna leave you far behind

Did you think you was gonna pull the wolf over my eyes

Why do you talk stupid?


To make you undersand!
Dont you know it's a dog eat dog world out there, it's survival of the fattest

There you go talking stupid again!!


And there you go understanding again

The sky opened up and swallowed me whole
That was ages and ages ago
I tumble in the darkness going to and fro
Trying to endure the sorrow as it grows

The clown grabbed my hand
Said "let's make a stand"
"In this topsy turvy land"
His smile was so menacing, away I ran

The beast searched me out, yes I was found
He opened up his razor lined snout and gobbled me down
In his belly I'm splashing around
In all this bile I'm sure to drown

All good words and intentions where so botched
My loved ones could only stand and watch
As the universe raised it up a notch
Reached down and grabbed me by the crotch

Now I'm hoping the sky will swallow me whole
Don't search me out in that darkest hole
As I step off the edge and ride the flow
With a smile on my face I will be happy to go

I don't want to kick the hornets nest
But I am felling quit depressed
And begaining to get awful distressed
There is things I need to express
Because my chest is really compressed
I know it's from all the stress
It will be hard for you to digest
But I have to get this off my chest
This problem must be addressed
I think it is for the best
That all of it is confessed
I know after I tell you, me you'll detest
But maybe that's for the best

Oooh never mind
I'll just keep these hornets in their hive
And stay in the shadows and hide

Muddy and muddled
My brain is befuddled
Twisted and bent
Life wasn't heaven sent
Battered and bruised
Only ever been used
Torn and tattered
Now nothing matters
Diced and sliced
By life's ****** knife
Crushed and ground
Nothing to be found
Drowning in pain
Not quite sane

An angel landed by my side
He spread his wings open wide
"Come here my child I'll let you hide"

"Come here I will protect
From all that would effect
I will not let any of that affect"

"You've been beaten, you've been bruised
You've been mislead, you've been used
Your past is misconstrued"

"I am your guardian angel, I am your sword
For you have been given to me, I am your ward
Sent to save you from the hoards"

"Of demons ment to do you in
They've toyed with you with their every whim
You have no need to suffer anymore within you skin"

I guess he thought I would run to him
But my anger towards this Angel was filled to the brim
He took to long to save me, now I'm standing on the rim

"Where was you, my sword wielding Angel for all those years
I was left to perish among my agony and fears
You showing up now, just grinds my gears"

I guess he was expecting me to be nice
I guess he didn't see my knife
Or he would of taken flight
I furiously cut he's wings off
Then I stood there and scoffed
"Now you will see
How it is to be
Stuck just like me"
The look on his face was priceless
I had taken away he's devices
Of soaring above the muck and the mire
Now in this demon ravaged land, with me he could expire

Welcome to her house of many bones
Step into one of life's great unknowns
With broken dreams and shattered heart
In this carnival of freaks she is apart
For the price of a ticket you can see
All the horror, and agony there could ever be

All we ask is to put down your stones
On the left is a kingless throne
No love was ever ment to stay
I don't know why, it's just that way
On your left is the dreams that's died
Where want and reality did collide

In the next room you will find
All the demons that are in her mind
Young man, please step back
These demons will, and do attack
On her arm's you'll see the scars
Made with their talon like sharpened claws

Please don't dottle, let's hurry along
This sad little journey we don't want to prolong
Up next you'll find
Human monsters of every kind
They all wear a clever disguise
You won't even see them unless your wise

Of the shadow men take no heed
Off the sorrow they just feed
The closets doors all are open wide
Not one skeleton does she hide
Please don't be scared, please don't shout
The are free to dance about

Last but not lest I want to show
What happens when the anguish grows
Tormented by years of unbridled strife
In the coffin lies her pitiful life
It's not her body, for she is the walking dead
Heart in taters, screams echoing in her head
Eyes opened wide with years of dread

The light and happiness are always there mocking
You'll find her over there in the corner rocking
Yes she had to be restrained
In the straitjacket she will remain
It's for your safety, not hers
For the pain she endures
Is not for weak amateurs

Exit on the right
Single file, please don't fight
Enjoy the rest of the attractions
We guarantee a hundred percent satisfaction
Unless in this carnival of woeful souls you are captured
Then your only hope will be the rapture

I've suffered through life
Now there is parasites
They bore into my brain
Leaving me less than sane
They nibble and chew
Eating holes right through
Sleepless nights
Nothing's right
They stir up thoughts
Making my mind rot
Parasites of the awful kind
Reliving dark memories that they find
There is no cure, no hope
For the gun, the knife I *****
To end this wretched life
To rid myself of these parasites

There is the monster coming out of me
He's the only one that keeps me from the bleed
I'll let him rule my heart again
Keeps me far from everyone's sin
Harden what little heart I have left
Because all I did was wept
I'll never let love in
No never again
Sweet oblivion
Never to be forgiven
Heart in a blender
Life torn asunder
Let the moster out
Turn it all about
Never to let any one close
This is what I've chose
It's only way my life goes
Other wise agony just grows
My life has changed
My feelings are deranged
My soul mate is estranged
It's all been rearranged
So I let the monster roam
Only he can bring me home
I'm back in the dark
It's only right I'm marked
The broken only get thrown away
So in the trash I'll stay
I will turn invisible
Because I am just to miserable
I'll let the moster be
He's the only one that truly sees
He will keep me safe
Keep me from the painful place
The moster keeps everyone at bay
So I can robotically go through my day
My moster kills the feelings
My monster will do my dealings
My monster moves my limbs
My monster now lives in my skin

Guess it wasn't really, we never even touched
Just words upon a screen I guess,they didn't mean that much
They did to me, I planed my life around you
Guess you was just playing me, untill you was through

I'll be glad when you're dead
You ******* you
When you're dead..... in your grave
No more children will you crave

I'll be glad when you're dead
You ******* you
When you're dead..... shot in the head
For your sickness that you fed

I'll be glad when you're dead
You ******* you
When you're dead..... and at Hell's gate
No more monsters can you create

I'll be glad when you're dead
You ******* you
When you're dead..... you won't be missed
Maybe my nightmares won't exist

I'll be glad when you're dead
You ******* you
When you're dead..... with all your sin
It'll be cursed ground you sink in

He was an emotional blackmailer
He'll always makes you feel like a failure
He lives off of emotion
He tosses you around like the ocean

He craves attention and pity
He's feelings are always gritty
He'll toss words around
He just loves his own sound
He is so ******* vain
And he loves to get inside your brain

He says he loves you then causes nothing but pain
The emotions he puts you through is so inhumane

He makes you feel sympathy because he's so sad
If you don't show enough empathy he gets very mad

He says he'll commit suicide
And you'll be sorry he died
Because it would be all of your fault
It's all just a part of his emotional assault
He loves to hear your plea
"Please don't do it babe" it fills him with glee

Emotional assault by every degree
He'll only love you if with him you agree
In every situation it's all about him
To think any diffrent would be the cardinal sin

With him by your side
It's a very bumpy ride
Love, hate, and pain
To him it's all the same
As long as he is the center of attention
None of your feelings can even be mentioned

A rollercoaster of feelings
Is what he is dealing
He's an emotional blackmailer because he has none of his own
He's empty and hollow just like a drone

So he lives off of yours
He'll break you till your on all fours
He just loves to see you broken on the floor
He'll pick you back up, just to knock you back down
In his little circus, you are his clown

And if you really love him
Your future is most grim

Spinning and spinning, around and round
Never knowing what will be found
Between love and pain,back and forth, door to door
Which one will I open now, will it knock me on the floor
Pain can leave you lying
Love can set you to flying
So I'm caught between ying and yang
Feeling like a yo-yo again

A woman draped in a black hooded dress
Softly and slowly the coffin she caress
She is here for the death
She is quiet bereft
The tears slide down her flawless face
Cheeks a pink rose tint, lips blood red hue, there's no disgrace
Her hair is raven colored, she is nothing, if not grace
Her healing hands over her face she places
Her gut wrenching anguished moans can be heard for miles
She falls to her knees in the aisles
Behind her closed eyes she sees every moment of this life
The microseconds of happiness the years of anguish and strife
She cries and wails for a life lived this way
She moans and sways
For in that coffin is where her life lays

In the coffin bare
You will find it there
If you want to know
All the secrets it will hold
All the sorrow and the strife
Will all end in the passing of life
Take a look at the empty shell
It's been released from it's cell

©Pauline Russell

I pick up my razor, I put it back down
Like a tethered race horse, I'm pacing around
My pain is overwhelming
It just keeps swelling
I could slice it away
That's the direction I sway
Thin little lines all in a row
Just to let all the pain go
I need the sweet release
It'll come with such ease
I'm ready for the blow
The warm liquid flow
Please forgive me
Please don't look, don't see
I was to weak
The blade I seek

In the land of Gods and Monsters I am a fallen angel living in the garden of evil
Every creature there is ruled by needs that are primeval
With broken wings, broken heart, broken life
Living on the edge of a knife
One wrong step will be my last
Long ago my die was cast
Every night the monsters attack
Of my soul they make a snack
The Gods look on and laugh and point
I cry, I plead, but they will never anoint
I'm lost, I'm scared, but I'm trapped I can go no where
And there is nobody that loves or cares
And of all the wrong to me that's been done
Being left all alone is the most tragic one

Iphone, laptops, and the internet is to make us all smarter
But it makes us all dumber, and life alot harder
Microwaves, bread makers, electric can openers so we can save time
To help us make supper on less of a dime
We no longer talk to friends we text
Ment to bring us closer but it's more like a hex
Want to see a sunset just look on a screen
Don't go outside that would be obscene
We spend all our time at work to buy possessions
It's like an obsession
This material world perplexes me
It's all around me, you see
Ment to bring us closer, save us money, and time
But we are always working so much it's more like a crime
No time for family, friend or mother nature
In this material world we've fallen into a crater
Wouldn't it be funny if the plug was pulled
And we would have to go back to using hand tools
I think we all would turn into drooling fools

Somewhere beneath the ****
Of what they tried to make you become
They try to make you wear the face of despair
To where you no longer care
They try to make you despise
But I see past the disguise
I've heard your cries
I know above this you can rise
They can not keep you down
Even as they still try to bury you in the ground
You'll see there is still hope to be found
They will not be your demise
I know where your gloden heart lies

I nearly forgot my broken part
Till you took a blowtorch and cauterized my heart
You devastated me, with your art

Don't think of yourself as smart
In love my brain from my heart departs
I always put the horse behind the cart

She was crawling inside her little world, hoping to hide
Her world and her emotions would turn on a dime
She tried again time after time
Hoping to find away across the widening divide
Over the knife sharp rocks of her life, she couldn't climb
It was her scars that cry, she was nothing more than a mime
Being thrown again into the abyss, it was all war crimes
Now she just laid there given up, nothing rhymes

The liquor  has taken over
I don't ever want to be sober
The view from this side is not the same
On this side everything looks sane
It takes a twisted view, to accepte this life
To have the strength to endure the strife
Just leave me on the steps of intoxication
It's the only way I can deal with my situation

For my original sin
I'm paying again

For a choice I made long ago
When I was young and did not know

I did not know, loving someone
Could keep you under that gun

Let me set the scene
Of how he was so mean

I endured all his beatings
The only sound, my pleadings

Years spent in his prison
Under constant supervision

Found the key
Set myself free

It was years and years ago
But he still finds where I go

Moved towns and home
Trying to end his syndrome

His mother manipulated my kids
Now he knows where I live

Doors and Windows bolted down
A waiting game till he comes to town

Last time it ended with me in the woods
***** and bruised, because he could

This time it will end in blood and gore
Only question is, which end of the knife I will explore

So it began, my life of pain
Covered in shame
Step-dad laid his claim

So it began, my life of woe
Down the rabbit hole
Some known how the story goes

So it began my life of tragedy
It happened so rapidly
It is now my woven tapestry

So it began, my life of regrets
Sadly it's not over yet
Impaled daily on life's bayonet

©Pauline Russell

Standing in a harvested field, the sky touching the ground
Not a raise, a tree, or a hill to be found
A coal black cloud is coming down
Standing there head back, hoping in it's rain I drown
My heart is bleeding black
Everything from a young age went so off track
I am just the black sheep
I am just the freak
Watch me as my eyes leak
This lonely watch I keep
On my knees now I just weep
It's only sorrow that I reap
For a life lived amongst the ruins
Living under a storm constantly brewing
Daylight seeped through once or twice
Made the formless bleakness more than thrice
So I beg for no more light
It just makes it harder to fight
If blackness is where I'm ment to stay
Just keep the sun away

There once was a tiny Dragon
The biggest anyone could fathom
He was the fiercest in all the land
And always willing to lend a helping hand
He could breath fire so you better take stock
He turns everyone into ice blocks
In this land the sun always shines
But it will stop raining at the drop of a dime
It's the land of contradiction
Every thing is fiction

Or is it???

Depression claims another soul
Carried it down the rabbit hole

There it will remain
Forever shackled in it's chains

For once the black dog bites down
He drags you underground

You will remain changed
Your world rearanged

Your buried alive
No chance to survive

I just took a wrong turn going to church
Ended up down by the old white birch
So I decided to sit down there at it's roots
And up to my shoulder scurried a little newt
I liked the little fellow
Until in my ear it started to bellow
Why are you doing that I asked
He said not a thing just pulled out his flask
He motioned for me to drink
And before I could think
I took a big swig
And before I knew it I was dancing a jig
The swirling and twirling brought me down to my knees
The limbs in the tree moved with the breeze
And before long I started to wheeze
What Mr. Newt what have you done
Don't worry dear with us you are becoming one
So scurry on up here and sit on the branch
By day we watch at night we dance
None of this has happened by chance
You wished for it, now it is so
Back to your life you no longer have to go

On the other side of my bed is a galaxy
This is sadly my stark realty
No shining star, such a sad travesty
No colors in the dark exploding brilliantly

I'm waiting on the planets to align
To bring me someone that's divine
Someone that's true and kind
To save me from this darkened state
That knows my scars and can change my fate

The one I found that's sweet and kind
And really speaks of words divine
Is to far away to touch, and hold
So there is still this darkened hole
This galaxy that's void and cold

Maybe one day he will transverse
Space and time and enter in my universe
To reach across the atmosphere
And find him laying next to me here
He'll chase away all my fears

But for now I float in this cold dark space
And dream about that handsome face
And his arm I long to be engulfed in
Oh to be his lover, his friend
I want to hold him before my sorry life ends

It's Sunday morning
I'm in mourning
My "give a ****" died last night
Amongst your words "you're just a blight"
You said it, not in anger
But with the disconnect of a stranger

.........SO.........

I no longer give a ****
Killed with your hit
I'll just lay
I'll just decay
I no longer give a ****
I'll never again throw a fit
Pushed to far
Drowning in tar
I no longer give a ****
My heart you just ripped
Casted aside
Feelings died
I no longer give a ****
Your love was counterfeit

There is a fly that keeps buzzing around my head
At first I just sit back and watch
But he gets more annoying as I'm trying to get myself feed
In fact this **** fly takes it up a notch
Now his circling down by my mouth, I almost ate him
Around and around, how does he not get dizzy
I have a feeling this is just the nights prelim
Won't this fly show me some pity
I'm beginning to feel like I have my own satellite
I can hear the buzz of his wings everytime he goes by
I'll find that swatter, it's going to the after life
For now that buzzing makes me want to get high

Take away the pain
Take away the strain
Just what would remain

I am held together with the struggle
I am held together because of all I juggle

I am nothing but agony
I am nothing but depravity
I am nothing but blasphemy

Question's on my mind weigh
If you could take that away
Do it right here today

Would I cease to exist
Would I still be here in the midst
Would I be missed

For I am nothing but self loathing, agony, and pain
If it could magically be taken away, would anything remain

Why did you want to hurt me again
Why do you want to twist that knife in
Your words cut worse than any knife
And I'm the reason for your strife

I swear I did the best I could
I thought I was proticting you like I should
I'm sorry I didn't know
But I'd ask you everytime you would go
But your answer was always no

But I know little kids can be frightened
And I'm sure that noose he tightened
And I don't blame you for hating me
For I am mom you see
I was supposed to protect you from the mosters
But I didn't know it would be my secound step father

I didn't know my mom would marry a another one like the first
This nightmare was the worst
I just wish you could see
I tried my very best to be
The mother you could always depend on
But now your gone

You hate me for what was done
But I want you to know if I'd had a gun
He could of never hurt anyone
And tho you hate me I'll love you always
I'm mom and I'm to blame anyways

Sitting out on a bench
Thinking, maybe I should run and impale myself on that fence
In the garage at the beams I take a glance
Maybe I should tie a rope and do the marionette death dance
Swallow a bunch of pills
Or take a gun and cure my ills
I knew there was a price for love
Now watch me fall with that finale shove
Falling down that rabbit hole
Will I come back, I really don't know

There was a little girl plunged into the dark
The future for her was very stark
She never knew unconditional love
For her it was always push and shove
It was no surprise
She picked a man that was good with lies
With that choice her darkness increased
Beaten and caged, no release
She finally broke lose with young intow
Everything seemed so out of control


She finished raising her brood
All alone she stood
Protecting them from all the men
And all their sin
Or so she thought, but evil raised it's head from within
Her mom had married a bad man again
And step grandpa got her child
Her only son, that ******* *******

The drarkness has never left her side
Her heart grew chide
And there still is not a day she hasn't cried

Of course she's had day's of beauty and laughter
Those day's had to be chased after
These days are quite frail
And easily derailed
They are seen through the vail
That comes in diffrent shades of gray
But you see it never goes away

And days like today it's dark as a moon less night
Even with the sun shining bright
One small act could turn this around
But cruelty is still all she's found
So even with most of her life lived
She still in her room can be found..... hid
With shades pulled tight
To let in no light
For the dark is all she's known
So now the dark she calls home