It's 3am

I'm on the phone
No one's awake and I'm alone

It's 3am

The radio's on
Songs are played on lonely station

It's 3am

I'm in my bed
My eyes are open and sleep has fled

It's 3am

I'm on the balcony
The sky is dark and just quite scary

It's 3am

Some windows have lights
Could they also not sleep tonight

It's 3am

I'm still awake
When will life ever give me a break

I thought I'd lost you
To harsh words and lies

Each day was a mess
With no one to talk to
No shoulder for my head to rest

We pass each other by
Wondering when our war would end

Not a war of fire
But of cold, cold ice

You smiled at me one day
And I smiled back

It was a start
For today

Where we finally talked
And you didn't hate me

And my fears
Were your fears
And we had thought our friendship was gone

But it had ended
The wall between us

I could finally hold your hand and say,
"It was terrible being at war with you."

And you replied likewise

And you look at the world
With eyes filled with wonder and fascination

As though you are a scientist
And the world behind the glass is a laboratory

Experimenting with life
With none but one's own

As safety firsts and lab rules,
Are plastered all over the walls

They are but ignored
As curiosity would ****
For satisfaction

To find answers
To questions

Unasked

I know your voice,
Singing for me,
I know your eyes
Twinkling through the screen,

The way you smile,
The dimple in your cheek,
All of these things,
But I don't know you

Your birthday, your name,
Your tastes and your face,
I know these things
But I don't know you

And yet

May you shine
Like the star in the sky,
Filling up my heart
With the melody of your song,

May you sing the song
That dwells inside,
And I will be here,
Listening..listening..

Though your heart may be breaking,
Though it pains me to see,
You still smile like the sun
Through the storms in your seas,

Sweat on your temple,
Through blood and through tears,
You forge through it all,
So your song could reach me

You give me everything,
The me who has nothing
But my love to give to you

I'll be by your side,
Though they be against you,
Don't worry you'll see,
Everything is alright

I wish you happiness
I wish you peace
I wish you good fortune
And all of the bliss

You may not know me,
Never had and never will,
But I hope you will know this,

You are a star that shines
In the darkest of night,
And I will sail with you
Through wine-colored waters,
Listening to your song

I don't know you,
You don't know me,
But we are connected
Through a melody.

And I write poetry
With you as my muse

And you write poetry
But I was never yours

When I was a child

I spent my days with you
Smiling
Laughing
Running
Free

When I was an adolescent

I spent my weekends with you
Smiling
Laughing
Walking
Taking my time

When I was a teenager

I spent my time
Alone
Wondering
Waiting
For you to come back

When I was a young adult

I fell in love with someone not you
Smiling
Aching
Longing
For love

When I was an adult

I spent a day with you
Smiling
Laughing
Walking
Living the moment

We had grown older
But we didn't grow up

And now we've reunited
And I hope to spend
Many happy days with you

Hypothetically speaking

What if I never existed?
Mistakes would not be made.

Hypothetically speaking

What if memories of me would disappear?
Sweeter memories would be made

Hypothetically speaking

What if I never walked this road?
There'd be no need for a disappointment such as I

Hypothetically speaking

What if I was never born?
There'd be no need to live a lie

Hypothetically speaking

When I don't exist
let the stars and moon be the only ones
who remember

I was hypothetically here

And I see our friendship
Go down the drain

The past three years
All swept away in one go

And I felt regret
That I left you this way

But I felt freedom
Freedom from the cage you put yourself into

And you may twitter away
How I had betrayed you

But you left me first
And I never spoke
Until today

Lay down a flower
For each memory of us

May the stems bend and not break
In the howling of the storm

Let the rain soothe the earth
And spring forth laughter

Of the colours of the meadow
Where feelings are as light as feathers

If love was forever
Why did you part

If love was loyalty
Why did you seek others

If love was vowed
Why did you break it

If it was meant to be,
Why was it not meant for love?

I look outside
The sun laughs at me

I look up the sky
It's clear with an ocean blue

I look at the trees
The wind dances around with the leaves

I stay inside
And long for the outside

and your music was the sweetest
to my ears and to my heart

but your soul was the darkest
when people drift apart

minds spiralling down to madness
like an eternal roundabout

and maybe in the end
that's who we really are

people with minds unbound
spoken in the language of
music over black and white notes

He was a boy
With ginger curls
And a smile to his name

His eyes twinkled with mirth
At everything I say

With music as a bond
We share ourselves

Even if only for a moment
He was able to bring out
The love of music
From inside my shell

And I swallow metaphoric medication
Until they burn down my throat

And similes are like cereal for breakfast
With which I refuse to partake

My words bleed out
Personifying my grief

Hyperbole is too big a mass I can explain
It would take years to finish

Would roses choked in thorns be a symbol of oppression
Or a nature of destruction in beauty

Take me to the emergency room
I'm sick of this language I speak

That’s the thing

I can’t love anymore

Because I was led to believe that I was loved

Only to discover that it was all an act

He was only lonely

And I was led to believe that I had found someone who would treat me better than my parents treated each other

I can’t have you

Because I’ll go in the relationship

Just waiting for the inevitable to happen

The moment you look me in the eye and say you never loved me

Just this short moment
A little moment to yourself

Look at the sky for a moment
A pause in the humdrum of life

And just take a little moment
Like the quarter rest on hold

Cool down the thrumming heart
Relax those tense shoulders

Add a little honey
To the sourness of the situation

As life gives you lemons,
Make lemonade

I take all these tests
all over the internet

they come back
all the same

they come back

I don't need the tests
I live it

Because they always come back

If I had one question to ask you
I would ask

What makes you happy?

And watch your eyes light up,
Your heart flutter,
Your lips grow into a smile,

And I would do everything I can
To make them permanent

I want to turn back time

Before the lies
Before my cries
Late in the night

I want to turn back truth

Before it hurt
Before cruel reality
Revealed itself to me

I want to bring them back

Before were four
Now we're no more
The family that was us

Stories sing of ways
That shed light on
Situations

Tall tales spake
Of things
With green envy

Thy name wilt one speak
Before the moon sets
Upon one's kingdom

And bite one's thumb
Shall one joust in word or sound

I grew up dreaming
That I'd have a happily every after

I grew up seeing
My parents walk away

I grew up dreaming
That I'd be whoever I wanted to be

I grew up trying
To fit within the page of an A4 paprt

I grew up dreaming
That I'd fall in love and it would be wonderful

I grew up crying
Over someone who didn't really care

I grew up dreaming
That I'd make a difference

I grew up being
A random nobody

I grew up dreaming

Until

I grew up

Love was beautiful
until hateful words came

There was nothing she could do
the child covered her ears and closed her eyes

and watched her world
crumble around her

Love faded between them
sides were taken
and she was torn in the middle like a seam

The concept of divorce was foreign
Like a situation found only in movies

And once it happened
the happily ever afters
never came true

If only childhood innocence lessened the pain
but she understood and that hurt worse

And what was worse
was that a family of four
was a family no more

And she poured her pain out
in a red notebook.
Because that was the only way
she could bleed.

Once upon a blue moon,
Fairy tales come true.

Once upon a time,
Happily ever after was real.

So let me be April's fool 'til the dawn of midnight,
Believing each lie painted white.

1.
I saw you again today
your hair's grown out

I wonder how you're doing
although I'm the one who never asks

I don't know how we connect
But I always know where you are

And with that
I run away

2.
You sat beside today
And I tried to hide my smile

Although I know there was pain
You tried to hide in your eyes

We finally talked today
after months of silence

And despite the distance between us
It was as though it was never there

3.
I left early again
And you hid behind round glasses

We pretended not to see each other
despite the fact...

That all I wanted to do
was look at you and smile

In this world
I have no control over

Everything is in chaos
With my future unsure

And I've done all I can
To find something worth doing

But to no avail
I found nothing

And in the end
I turn to Him

When He should have been the one I turned to
In the first place

I sit here by my bedroom wall
my back on stone, cold concrete

I stare at a future as bleak as the white wallpaper
peeling off the edge

Why is my worth
based off of a single sentence
the only referral to what I can or cannot do

I have plenty to offer
beyond the lines of A4 paper

And yet society scan these things
with cold eyes and cold minds
drawing a line to what I can or cannot do

And in the end,
I conform to those lines
tucking away the other sides of me

Feeling as though I have nothing to offer
for I do not fit within the boundaries
of those lines

I cover my ears

To the sound of your voice
Cold as ice, cruel as stone
Your music gone astray

I close my eyes

To your actions
Defiant and brutal
Dismissive and confrontational to those who are supposed to have your respect

I seal my lips

To your words
Dripping with venom
Towards those who go against you


And my sin was staying silent for too long
And now it has caught up to me

But I'm done staying silent

And here I thought
You'd have words for me

But time and time again
I'd had to reject my thoughts

Like you would ever come back
When I was nothing to you
In the first place