Before you take them away
Why don't you ever ask them
If there are any unfulfilled duties left
Why you never give them a chance
To redeem everything that is good balanced and heft
Before they leave for an eternal journey with you
Why don't you ask them
To keep enough for their to-be-fatherless kids
To not just keep running here and there but calmly sit
To love their wives before the final farewell bids
Is it too much to ask for?
Cause you see after you take them away
Families are broken and so torn
Before you take them away
Please for a while let them stay
Let them stay a little longer
Let them make their families a bit stronger
Why can death not come with a warning?
why must it always end this way ?
the feeling of being unwanted .
by the ones who are supposed to love
the real me
the most .
what do you do when you're thrown into a tidal
wave of emotions ?
a hurricane of thoughts
i feel like a tsunami
has wrecked the last bits
of my saneness .
my sanity .
my reason .
trying to hold on
is just so tiring .
especially when it seems as though
no one wants to see you achieve your dreams .
discouragement is such a tiresome feeling .
exhaustion is also a feeling I know all too well .
always on go .
doing what I thought would keep
you at bay
but as always
you can't even say it to me .
hiding behind what you think would protect
like a child .
oh i wonder how that feels ?
to have someone who will fight your battles ,
for you .
instead of being on the opposing team .
i wonder how it feels to have a family .
my supposed "first" team ..
what's supposed to be my "main" support.
so what happens when the ones
you never thought would make you feel
the feeling you always feel the most ,
make you feel those feelings you hate feeling
the most ?
you crumble ,
even more so than before
you collapse and you decay
until you're nothing but
a fine powder that hopefully no one ingests .
pure crazy at it's finest ,
a drug for sure .
but , this one ?
It’s always a daily battle, always something I’m fighting and I’m always alone.
Today you hurt me…
Today your laugh hurts me…
your on side smile of rogue child …
It hurts me to remember your desperate eyes…
That sight hurts…
Our patched love hurts…
It hurts the desire I had to make it work ...
This failure hurts me ...
My broken family hurts ...
Today ... it hurts…
It had been a long time without pain…
I don´t know why…
But today I noticed, you still hurt me...
I still healing... Some days are wonderfull, and some brings pain when a memory hits me bad... I´m not sad anymore... Today I just felt sad for a little while...
Crushed light bulbs
A blood-stained star
All of that would be better than this
Sitting docile as your FAMILY slanders your name
Pointing out every flaw
Swearing at who you are and your beliefs
Then laughing it off as if it was a joke
But then again
These people haven't been your family for quite a while
why do you yell?
why do you say these horrible things
because you love me?
because i could never get anyone else to love me.
and i storm down the stairs and
crawl into my bed
covering my head
and i cry.
i cry waterfalls into rivers into lakes
while my mother strokes my hair
and i love her but i need her to leave
but i am scared of what will happen
if i am alone.
so i try to sleep, but i choke
everytime i lay down and each
morning i wake up with marks on my
breathing quickens as i remember
what happened the night before
and how i am too afraid to open my
i consider the window.
consider the faulty lock.
consider walking to His house at 2am.
he is the only one i can count on.
but i cannot worry my brother like that
and my mother would be distraught
i want fresh air
but i do not ever want to eat again.
the sight makes me sick.
I want to wander away from this forsaken house
to somewhere better.
but is the grass ever greener?
because at this moment it feels like every blade is
dried and dying.
feels like thunderstorms and rain clouds but not
the exciting kind.
the compressing kind
the depressing kind.
the kind that makes you want to jump off a ******* bridge
but the water's freezing.
the kind that provokes earthquakes.
i don't even know what kind means anymore because
the only one who shows me
i have not seen since april.
think of how lucky you are,
warm house, family, friends,
but they wouldn't feel ******* lucky if they stepped inside my head.
if they knew how many flowers crumbled up and turned to dust
at my touch or if they knew what it was like to have
no clue who you are.
i can't even ******* breathe anymore.
Beer in a bottle
Lost soul in a bottle
Broken family in a bottle
Headache in a bottle
Heavy heart in a bottle
Dependence in a bottle
Slow mind in a bottle
"Can't stop" in a bottle
Drowning at the bottom of a bottle
Drinking away fear by
downing bottle, after bottle, after bottle
Of beer in a bottle
Please drink sensibly, friends
Sometimes even though I think I've healed
those scars still hurt.
Even all the happy days I have
some memory sticks its poison
and I die a little again
Even now I´m in love, with all my heart
and this love is wonderful!
Although I feel loved in body and soul
this pain manages to reach me
and plucks my wings a little.
Is part of healing, right?
Die from time to time
agonize with some anguish
that… an old wish, one very rooted in our soul
take away our peace, erase our smile
Is part of healing, right?
And it takes time…
it really takes time…
And I think that from now on
my life is going to be the most similar as I had dreamed.
I woke up and that there's no reason to be blind again
But… even all...
and as happy as I can be
there are some things that always will hurt…
I think there's not enough time to them to stop hurting,
because is not possible to erase in the map of our soul,
something that we wished from our core
Normally when I trigger
I just hear audio recordings
Of the screaming and yelling
Of the rattling of pill bottles
Of the echos of doors being slammed or objects being thrown
That put me in a state of misery
It’s odd that words you heard so long ago still affect you
“You’re a ******, worthless child... I wanted a better child that you..”
“Get away from me, no one even wants you.”
And that’s enough
But this time it was different
I could feel the walls of the corners I used to hide in
Everything was so vivid
I couldn’t stop sobbing
I couldn’t stop shaking
I could still hear the rattling of the bottles
The bottles of pain killers
That turned my mommy into a monster
That took my momma away from me
That made my mom overdose
That made me almost lose my own mother..
I remember sitting in the icu waiting room
With nurses and doctors debating if they should make an exception to let me see her
Because 8-year-olds weren’t allowed into icu even for visiting
They let me in
Because they knew she would most likely die..
And she almost did..
I almost lost my mother.. Someone who is teaching me how to be a mom..
Now you know why I flinch when people raise their voices
Or when people angrily sling backpacks down
Or when I ask if people are upset at me if they’re just annoyed
Now you know that I was a broken child
Now you know
That I have ptsd
And that whole families are effected by the opioid crisis
Love was beautiful
until hateful words came
There was nothing she could do
the child covered her ears and closed her eyes
and watched her world
crumble around her
Love faded between them
sides were taken
and she was torn in the middle like a seam
The concept of divorce was foreign
Like a situation found only in movies
And once it happened
the happily ever afters
never came true
If only childhood innocence lessened the pain
but she understood and that hurt worse
And what was worse
was that a family of four
was a family no more
it's been five years or so, but it still hurts. I still miss the us. Now I can never have that back
When the clock strikes 5,
I get up and sit outside.
I count the people that walk past me,
I hear the words that they speak.
It makes no sense,
Why people want other's pain,
If I were them, I'd not feel sane.
That is why I wish for a peaceful meal,
And a day that wouldn't involve kills.
I want to reach home,
Without a hole in my heart,
And want to stay instead of falling apart.
Is it so hard,
To find what I desire?
I think it is,
Because I always feel tired.
When the people finally go away, I stand up and go inside my 'home', praying to make it alive today.