A broken light bulb.
A shattered dream.
A life wasted.
It's not what it seems.
A broken family.
Stressed and tired.
Chance after chance.
Will it ever expire?
Is it worth it?
The tears, the screams.
We are hypocrites.
Shaming you for breaking the bulb.
Yet, we cut ourselves trying to fix it.
"Annie, can you get me another box?"
Anastasia's Mother sneers, finishing her last stick. Sure she heard it, that's why she's running up the stairs to their old town house's roofs.
There, she saw the Mother of her life, stood moderately at the edge. Although her Mom looked homeless, with messy hair and wearing cheap clothes, Anastasia still thinks she's beautiful. From her Mother's pale and dark shaded lips, the picture of her habitual smoking and to the bags of her eyes. Anastasia saw sorrow and humiliation.
"Another box? But isn't that the third one this week?" She questioned. The concerned girl stared at her wasted Mother who just huffed at the moment.
"Just do it, baby." Her Mother commanded. A sigh escaping from Anastasia's mouth as she nodded in full obedience.
She walked down the steps again, reaching out for money from her own wallet as she headed out.
The wind is pretty frisky this day. The cold air fogging up the populated skies as its getting darker in the entry of the night. The breezy air is tugging at her skin, hugging her petite body. She doesn't have any thick clothing or a layer, nor a jacket to support her now shivering body.
She went to quickened her walking, knowing that her Mother won't be staying up the roofs sooner and the cold air is truly bothering her.
Finally arriving at her station, she entered the shop and she went straight to the counter.
"A box of Marlboro reds, please." Anastasia half smiled, waiting for the counter guy to get one. Once handed, she waited for her change as a boy around her age went beside her.
"A pack of Camel light, please." The boy with raven locks said.
She stays patient. She went to look at the boy beside her again, only seeing him looking at her box then to her. She decided to brush it off as her change is handed to her. Anastasia exited the shop to only find that the skies had turned darker.
She turned her heels to the same path to their home as she went straight back to the house.
"Don't tell him a single detail about me." Anastasia's Mother said sternly.
"I'll see you soon, Mother." She replied. As soon as she has the chance to leave, she quickly did.
Walking out the door, she pulls a cigarette out from a pack that she got from her Mother's. She calmly lights it up, though she makes sure that she's going to the right path to the Boat Station.
That night, last night, her Father called. Her Father told her to come by the Ocean. She loves things like this, admiring beautiful places at peace and just having deep thoughts about randoms.
Since both of her parents are divorced, Anastasia has to spend her time separately with them. Although her family background is broken, she still believes that quality time is important. Especially when you're the only daughter.
When she arrives, she saw a bunch of males hopped to a Downeast cruiser. She went for another stick of cigarette as she waits for the guys to settle the boat.
Once finished, she sees her Father coming towards her as another man followed him. Seeing her Father smile, she knows that he is happy to see her, happy that her daughter finally visited him again.
"My dear, sunshine." Her Father greeted with the widest smile ever. As they both embrace each other, she reassembles herself and stared to her Father's features.
He didn't change much. Twenty percent of his beard had grown, his skin also went tanner and his noticeable bags underneath his grey eyes is an evidence that he has been working hard these days.
And she felt her heart spun a bit, it's not breaking but it's pinching with joy.
"I've missed you, Father." She spoke, voice cracking and eyes glistening.
Her Father went to cup his daughter's cheeks with both hands and smiled. She felt the warmth and the love to her one and only man, and that is her Dad.
"My apologies. Anastasia, this is Captain Adamson, he's our new lead sailor." Her Father added as he introduced the man beside him.
"Please to meet you, young lady."
"You too, Sir."
She looked up to Captain Adamson, he has the same features like her Father's. Same dry skin, oceanic eyes, firm and sturdy smile and just a typical sailor could be.
After a little talk, Captain Adamson and her Dad motioned her to get to the boat. Once lifted and settled, she saw old men and only men in the small place. She counted them, and in her calculations, they're about six or seven. But something spotted her eye...
A young boy, around her age probably, is one of the sailors. It surprises her a bit because she once thought earlier, she was the only youngster around here. But yet, she's wrong, but was she glad?
Feeling their boat move, she went over the edge as she let her body sway from her moving grounds. It was sure such a wonderful relief when they finally made it to the water.
She went to ignore the people around her as she decided to be alone at this moment.
At the edge, she swam through her thoughts. Deep ones like the ocean whom about twelve feet fall.
She thinks that what if the ocean is harmful, a violence and tolerant to other people. Like when you fall, you have nothing to do but to drown through the steep and heavy surface. Although its water, she can still think its a huge burden to anyone's bodies.
Her fears hugged her, her anxiety embraced her as she thinks of this. It made her shiver, not just from the wind but also to the awful life she has. It made her cringe once, now she'll cringe forever.
Grabbing another stick from the box, lighting it up as she blows one. She let the tobacco smoke combines with the coastal air, she watches it and she somehow feels satisfied.
Tapping her right shoe in a tune, she also hummed the unspoken lyrics, feeling the rhythm. She sips and blows, sips and blows, again and again. It doesn't seem to end, though her Father has its rules. Nothing she heavily worries about because she knew its always a mild segment.
After the stick has reached its filter, she flickers the used cigarette from the running waters as she lets out a sigh.
Casting a shadow beside her, she sees the youngster staring at her with an unexplainable look. He eyes her up and down in a respectful way as Annie didn't make a single move.
"You know, a filter can destroy the ocean too." The boy speaks. Anastasia shrugged her shoulders as she grabs another stick.
"So." She coldly said, though the boy sort of expected this coming.
"So its trash, it's not good." She rolled her eyes to the boy. A silly conversation about Nature isn't the right mood for the day today.
"Nope. I am trash." She chuckled like she's some kind of a joker telling puns whenever.
"I like that, Miss. My name's Keith Adamson, the--
"The Captain's son, I get it." She finished the boy's statement as a small smile form on her face.
"You do?" He questioned, playing it all in.
"Yeah, that's why you're so talkative about the waters." She shrugged again.
"Right, but I'm sure I've seen you before." The boy guessed and it clicked her head quickly.
"From the convenient store?" She grinned, making Keith nod in agreement.
There was a moment of silence in between them, did she care nor did she thinks its awkward? No. She went to lift her box from her pocket and motioned the youngster beside her. In her surprise, he gladly took one as she offers a lighter.
"So, Daddy sailor business?" Keith asks, giving Annie a small nudge.
"Not really, are you often around here?"
"You can say that. But why did you come here?"
"I don't think you deserve to know."
Anastasia's smile turned into a smirk, feeling her words with power. What does she call it? Sarcasm? Probably, but therefore, it's just the based truth.
"Feisty. Just so you know, I only come here to help my Father. Sailing sucks but I enjoy the ocean, a lot." Keith babbled as it made her nod her head.
"Me too, but not when you're in it." Her voice went weak as she feels her whole body become numb.
Just heavy, all are heavy.
"What do you mean?" The boy asked again. She knew she wanted to tell him but she respects her own privacy. Maybe she can, in a more intellectual way.
"Like the waves, they're a big struggle in a person's body. When you drown, you drown, why keep convincing yourself to dive up when you know its already too late?"
At this moment, she thinks about her Mother, her Father, and just the tree family she used to be in. The happy, normal and complete people, she misses that. Their silly moments and the happy memories, she wants it all back. Now that its ruined, damaged, broken, well name it. She still thinks she's contented. Why? Whatever god knows why.
"The waters are so much sweeter if the waves wouldn't step further like a hurricane, you know?" She smiled again. She then turned to her right, she sees her new friend with a confused expression.
"Wow, too deep to understand aye."
The both of them started laughing. At some thoughts, she's glad that she met Keith. He's so much more, She thinks he's more of a something.
"Everyone, get ready to sail!" A sailor's voice rung around the companied boat as they both of them got alarmed.
"Ready to fight the waves, Anastasia?"
"How'd you know my name, little sailor boy?"
Anastasia is not surprised that Keith knew her name. Many conclusions collided to her head but one resulted among them all.
"May I point whom your Father is?"
Without second thoughts, she nods her head. And she knows for sure, that she's ready to fight the waves.
Just because of
I am silenced.
How I wish
I no longer had to deal with you
and your issues.
Because not until then,
even when I'm on the opposite side of the planet
You will still think you have power over me.
And you do.
Because I'm the best and worst daughter.
Blood ties me to you.
It chained me to your twisted mind.
and the most annoying and hateful voice I will ever hear.
and Fuck you.
for everything ever.
9 years old why is it so cold when the heaters on, my family doesn't carry warmth.
12 years old I need a family more than I need an education.
Where did my family photos go?
17 I found something in a broken soul but he can't build me a world.
19 I need love from a strong man, I don't know what love is.
Where did my family photos go?
22 I want to see the world before I see myself
23 A real family doesn't exist for me, I don't have one. I can't build one.
26 It's been a while. I've been lost.
27 I met a man. He didn't promise me anything when I asked what he could give me.
Where did my family photos go?
29 He's still here.
32 He's still here. He promised me nothing but he gave me something.
87 He's not with me anymore. His last gift was something I was looking for.
I have a
Old Christmas lights
Rusted bicycles sprawled
On thumbnail lawns.
Two a.m cigarettes
On wooden porches
Scaffolding to store
Gasoline cans under.
I have a
"You were raised in
A trailer park."
But wasn't I?
Wasn't it the truth?
I have a
A life that I
Thumbnail lawns can't
Compare to the life I got.
But not all will have
That kind of chance.
Don't fix shit that ain't broken
Listen to these words being spoken
You think I'm jokin'
But let that shit sink in
This ain't even the worst part
But where should I start?
How bout' back to 2010?
Everything's coming back again
Things weren't pretty,
In fact, they were down right shitty
Parents forgetting me and my siblings
They had better things to do
We didn't like to think so
but we knew it was true
We'd scream and yell, we'd had enough
But they weren't chicken to call our bluff
With their issues and misuse
And guys to mistrust
And girls that make fuss
Its no wonder I am where I am
Full of wonder and distrust
Life's just a fucking scam
This world's got me full of disgust
Flash forward to today
I'll hope and I'll pray
The good Lord will save my brother
From all the shit that started with my father and mother
My little sister
I see her everyday but I miss her
She's not the same
Timid and shy, back in the day
Now she'll fuck you up if you get in her way
Ain't nothing changed in that house from yesterday
Except the absence of me
I couldn't take them away from all the dismay
No unfortunately, they had to stay
My siblings and me
They were all I had in that hell hole we called home
Then I left them there
Off to roam
My first real friends
And I left them in a place where happiness ends
But I hope they know
I want to watch them prosper and grow
They may be low, but they can rise above
So here's to my siblings, Kenneth and Carly
I hope you feel my kindness and love