The more steps I take the more I lose my breath
I try to run but I can’t escape
It’s getting closer I think it’s too late
It caught me again
My heart starts pounding
My hands start shaking
Nobody can hear me
Nobody can help me
My turn to go up next.
The teacher glances toward me and nods.
I grab my instrument and walk to the front of the room.
A chair and stand awaits me.
I set the sheet music on the stand and take a seat.
"Whenever you're ready," he says.
I lift the french horn to my face and pause.
I remember the people before me who went,
eyes full of fear.
Hoping with every ounce of their soul
that they won't mess up.
My chest constricts tightly.
I struggle to take a breath, then begin.
The first note is perfectly on pitch.
So far, so good.
The phrase flows smoothly.
The piece goes well,
until I take a risky glance around the classroom.
A knot forms in my stomach.
Everyone is looking at ME.
Expecting ME to do well.
My fingers fumble as I miss a note.
I panic and rush the rhythms,
not caring if I miss the pitch.
I just want this TORTURE to be over.
Their gazes are icy.
The piece ends and I swiftly let my instrument down.
I hang my head low.
The ones before me look grim.
Surely I had disappointed them
The director says nothing.
The silence is KILLING me.
I feel my face flushing red.
The room is getting warmer.
"Next?" He asks, prying that I should take my spot.
I get up and take my things,
then do exactly that.
The next person plays perfectly.
I applaud with tear-stained hands.
They are praised well as they walk to their seat,
beaming in glory.
Who am I to pretend
that I understand this madness
Playing your solo for the class is never fun.
Continuous gasping for air.
" I am so stupid. What did I do?"
"What am I doing!?"
"You foolish hag what are you doing?"
I am hardly free from this anxiety.
Social anxiety is not just being shy....
It's so hard to overcome it....
.........A bag of stones as my heart.
Water lillies as eyes,
A glass vase as my body.
I couldn't think with this thunder
storm of a mind and I couldn't
speak when my heart is racing, running out
of time. Blurred is my vision, heavy, are my thoughts. My heart filled with the heaviness of fear and nightmares.
I don't know what to do. I don't want
to enter into the dark lairs of death
I am afraid, fearful, hurt
And lost. I hope you
God would help
Hope you have a great year ahead!
I take all these tests
all over the internet
they come back
all the same
they come back
I don't need the tests
I live it
Because they always come back
I had an official diagnosis, but I didn't go to get therapy. I don't have the time or energy or money to get it. And I don't want to make my family worry.
the only time
i have ever felt calm
is in the presence of pain.
it laps at my brain
and takes over my body
as i cannot feel anymore
there are times that i adore
the excuse to tuck myself away
as i am washed into a darkness
the world never sits on the same axis
when my soul tries to stitch itself back together
after it splits under too much pressure
i used to imagine that u could breathe under water
as i could make up for when i felt so much weaker
in the atmosphere that waited above me
all my effort strengthened my need to be carefree
but i knew my work would always lead
to my visits to my mind’s coroner
i allow my whole self to wander
finding pseudo relief in jumping to conclusions and off cliffs in my mind
only to find real solace just when my thoughts stop
i have memorized the reactions of when my face drops
and a quiet captures my mind
because it scares me, too
my calmness it different to you
i’ve seen this my whole life
as when i hurt, at first, no one seemed to see
but later, i saw how different pain was for the mind and body
for everyone else it was so separate
but i felt them as if they were alive inside me
migraines that felt like a caged animal trying to break free
my skull shattered as my body overheated
mind and body desperately trying to reject something unknown
it was at these times that i would lay prone
pondered at the ceiling with thoughts
that were so irrational they became logical
there was were my self would dull
my soul turns inside out and i relish
in the nothingness that is sure to come
my body wakes with a rejuvenated thrum
and i start the story all over again
and i stare through once calm waters to see myself for what feels like the first time.
i have a desperate need to be validated
I’ve always been consumed with a sadness and heaviness i could never rid myself of
I wrote constantly.
I knew what heartache felt like and yet nothing could have prepared me for this.
I have not yet lost you.
You’re still here, you still love me.
But for how long?
My mind keeps running back to that sadness to that emptiness and i ask, “how much longer do i have?”
I’ve taken up tarot cards, runes and pendulums and i ask them all the time.
I ask them how things are really going.
I ask them if you still love me or if you’re only pretending.
“How much longer do i have?”
I want to be prepared.
I want to know you’re leaving before even you do.
I want to grieve before it happens so it doesn’t **** me.
I feel the anxiety burning in my chest already.
I find myself daydreaming about a future where I’m in a lonely little apartment late at night and I can feel your arms around me. However, when I roll over to face you there’s no one there and I remember that you’re with someone else and you’re happier with her.
I don’t want that to be real.
I don’t want you to leave.
So I try to hope for the best but I want to prepare for the worst.
Please tell me how long I have. Please tell me before it ends.
i might be crazy
You feel like you're drowning,
Somewhere along fainting and dying,
Like you're trying to scream and nothing but air comes out,
You can't focus on anyone or everything,
Feels like you're crawling out of your skin,
Just trying to find a way out.
They might confuse it for simply zoning out,
And it might just seem like a simple "zone out" sometimes
but you know deep inside what it is,
Its your dearest friend: anxiety
Its beng rude and simply attacking you,
but please say to yourself "it will pass, it will pass"
And usually, it does
Edited it because I wrote this because I was actually having a REALLY bad panic attack and I feltot was missing something
It’s late at night and
You feel it coming,
The nausea, the pain.
Like a knife being twisted in your stomach.
You curl into a ball, fearing what is to come.
There is no hope, it’s happening.
The shivers, the tears.
You clench your teeth,
Telling yourself you aren’t crazy.
Everything will be okay.
It will never be okay.
The shaking continues, you throw the covers off.
You sweat, you freeze, you cry for it to stop.
Relief doesn’t come easy.
Your muscles tighten, and your
Thoughts are running at full speed.
You cry for help, but your calls are silent.
If only you could sit up,
Reach a hand out for your pills.
But do they really help?
You think they do.
You’ve lost full control.
Numb limbs can’t be told what to do.
A crying mind can’t be silenced,
And the attacks can’t ever be stopped.
My dad always told me "It's okay to breathe, Squirt,"
when I was panicking or trying not to cry.
When times get tough, just remember that it's okay to breathe.
It's okay to let go and take a breath.
If you think that you can't do something,
It is okay to breathe.
Close your eyes and imagine some place that makes you happy, and breathe.
My dad always told me "It's okay to breathe, Squirt."
And it is.