When my day is feeling gray
And my mind is in disarray
I look outside
Only to find
A blue butterfly
Fluttering through the sky

When I saw the blue
Of its wings as it flew
It brought a smile to my face
As its wings flap with grace
It brings happiness in its wake
And many friends does it make*
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

The freckles scattered across your skin
Are like the stars upon the sky
Each one is special, unique
Different but still dazzling

There are too many to count
But you will try anyway
Getting mixed up somewhere
Between the moon and the milky way

They are all so beautiful
And are like no other
So don't try to cover them up
Or hide them from the world

*You never know,
One of those stars might be a galaxies

You belong with the stars in the sky,
But I wouldn't really want that,
Because then we would have to say goodbye.

So you'll just have to say on the ground with me,
And all we can do is think about,
The wonderful star you could be.

You would fill space with an amazing hue,
The colour of your eyes,
That Celeste Velato blue.

You would brighen the sky around you,
And when darkness would try take over,
I know you would always push through.

You would have a gravity so strong,
You would pull everyone towards you,
In a way that could never be wrong.

Your hydrogen and helium and nuclear fusion,
You would burn so hot,
Though it would be no illusion.

You would have a heart bigger then the sun,
So caring and so wise,
And loved by everyone.

You were meant to be a star,
So don't you ever forget,
Because to me you already are.

I am I!

I scream to the sky
And do you want to know why?
Because too day is my day

When I get up in the morning
My hopes are up soaring
Like the birthday bird from Katroo

Today was the day of my birth
Without it I would have no worth
Because I would be an isn't

A day filled with happiness and joy
A day nothing bad could destroy
Even if someone tried

Because today I am me
And that is all I'll ever be
Today I'll make you see

I am I!

Your words hurt
I hope you know
They cut like knives
I told you so

Your worried about the scars
that we leave on our skin
But yours are the ones
That lie deeper within

Your are our role models
Of whom we seek to make proud
So please think
Before you shout so loud

What you say is
"For your protection"
Isn't how you
should show affection

You look at us with anger
And excuses so wild
Sometimes I have to wonder
Who is the child?

Please don't yell
Show that you care
Please encourage us
And give us our share

Please be the adult
And don't cuss
And please, oh please
Tell us that you love us

Often the ones who hate themselves the most,
Are the very same people who are the most loving.
They give out their love like giving bread to birds,
They throw it all away and forget to keep any for themselves.
That is why it is up to us to give them some of our bread,
no matter how stale,
To those amazing people who have nothing left to eat.

Making friends is hard to do
But I think I've made one in you
As friends we are all set
Even though we've never meet

I knew you before I knew your face
Getting to know you feels like a race
You are so friendly, amazing and kind
Your good qualities aren't hard to find

I can't wait to hear more from you
Keeping in touch I will certainly do

The red balloon flies up
into the endless blue sky
Out of reach of the little boys
small frail hands
He cries for the loss
of his precious friend
His mother sighs
and tells her son
'You should have held on tighter'

I pull at my hair
And scratch at my skin
You ask me why
I don't even know where to begin

The curls in my hair are all wrong
The colour orange just doesn’t belong
My skin looks all weird colours and mottled
The feelings inside I keep up and bottled

There is no reason for my depression
I find it hard to show my expression
I escape into the word of fiction
I stay so long it becomes an addiction

Being who I am doesn’t conform
To what others consider the social norm
People who know my sexuality
See me as an abnormality

I get terrified when in a crowd
Everyone just always seems so loud
I cling to people like a leach
My voice is weak without freedom of speech

I wish I could be normal
But that would just abnormal
I wish I could learn to accept
But in that I am so inept

You called me cupcake
Because that's all you saw
The sweetest parts of me
Not the the scars that I bore

I will call you a lion
Because of the strength in your heart
You were always so brave
So caring, so smart

But now we have both turned to mice
Too scared to fight our wars
Because you are not longer mine
And I not longer yours

This is not what I wish
Disassociated from you
Without a word spoken
To much isolation for two

I want you to know
That I still love you
Just not the way...
I use to

I want to talk
I want to speak
I want you to smile
So my world isn't so bleak

Just because your not
My whole world any more
That doesn't mean I don't
Want you to be part of it

If the lizards tail
Is to ever be cut off
It always grows back

I call you a brick
Because your head is to thick
To comprehend what I'm saying

Your opinion is like a wall
And your brain is just too small
To change your point of view

You are not always right
Everything is not so black and white
You can change what you think

Is it all in you mind
Or are you just so blind
That you can't see the truth

It's OK to be wrong
To not be so headstrong
And be like everyone else

Have a change of heart
Because thats what makes you smart
So learn to keep a open mind

*Don't be a brick

"Please don't leave"

She just gives me a look
But thats all she needs
To show all her feelings

"How can I be leaving
if i was never really here
in the first place"*

Her voice filled with sadness
As she turns away
Walking with sure steps

I watch her back
As she walks out the door
Tears rolling down my face

Twin towers up so high
Who know they'd fall from the sky
Fifteen years ago
A tragedy that we all know
So many died
And so many cried
Now all can do is remember the dead
We think what can not be said

There is not one person
that isn't afraid
of the dark.
The fear
of the
deep
dark
abyss,


A fear of the unknown.

I wonder

Is the sun jealous of the moon
Or the fork of the spoon
Does the pencil envy the pen
Just a little, now and then

Does the tree begrudge the flower
Or the minute of the hour
Does the computer resent the phone
Because it has to stay at home

I wonder

Someone once told me that pain is an illusion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But that doesn't mean you can't feel it
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What reality is isn't important
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's that way you perceive it

I jump to my bed
To scared to rest
For the monster below me
Waits for my slumber

My mind moves quick
My heart beats faster
I lose all common sense
And let the fear take over

I shack under my covers
Waiting for it to all be over
I lie awake for hours
Keeping back the panic

Slowly
Gradually
Painstakingly
I fall asleep

~

I wake to the light
Through my window
Warm in my bed
Surrounded by nothing

My monster is gone
Not forever
But just for now
I smile with relief

Quite
Still
alone
I'm safe

*Well at least for one more day

I hear the creaking of a door in my mind.
I couldn't help but feel inclined,
To look behind,
And see what I might find.

But I did not think,
that it would be my well of ink.
I couldn't help but make a link,
To an old kitchen sink.

When I saw that inkwell,
I needed to quell,
The fear that fell,
Upon me as my very own barbell.

I knew what it mean,
And that it was not its intent,
To torment,
But I wish that it would relent.

So I could just spend,
Sometime to amend,
And apprehend,
The part of me that has reached a dead end.

To not let them win

They said to not give them a reaction
To not get angry
because that's what they wanted
Then they would just go away

So I did

I didn't give them a reaction
And I was only ever nice to them
And they did get bored
and when away

But they had still won

They were only ones
that could've been my friends
Without them I was by myself
Sitting all alone while they forgot me

I had still lost

I don't want you to leave me
I want you to always be by my side
I don't want you to disappear
Not be swept away by times tide

It's the only certain thing in this world
The hands of time will never stop
But the time I have is never enough
Please someone turn back the clock!

Your hair has greyed but your face kind
Your teeth are false but your words are true
Your smile is old but still as warm
Some day I wish I could be just like you

I want you to live for an eternity
But even an eternity has to end
I can do nothing no matter how hard I try
The scars of time will never mend

The memory of you will last forever
I will always remember our bond
So all I can do is wish you luck
In the world that is beyond

The crunching sound of glass under the sole of my shoe.
The gentle bend as the metal frames twisted unrecognisably.
Fragments littering the cement around me.
For what purpose did I need them.

Walking away.
Dread and edrenaline mix together.
Jumping at my own shadow.
Yet no longer having to look at the world.

No longer having to see it.
But still stuck inside it.
Standing behind the retina.
Behind the same distorted lenses.

Shame.
Longing.
Blind.
Lost.

There is mask I wear to cover my face,
A mask that I can never replace.
I know my mask will keep me hidden,
From showing my feelings that should be forbidden.

When tears fall from my eyes,
My mask will only show lies.
Sometimes I wish I could to be true,
And show people that they haven't got a clue.

But later I know it is all worthwhile,
When I can finally show my real smile.

I can feel someone's hands inside my abdomen,
Holding all my vital organs in those hands,
And squeezing till I feel like I might burst.
They have their hands around my throat,
So that I can't speak, can't move, can't breathe.
Until there is no way I could ever escape from them.

How can you even start to express to someone that you want to watch yourself bleed...

That you want to rip open your own skin and feel the warmth trickel down you body.
Watching it seap out of you and slide across your skin.

How do you explain that this is a craving stronger then you could ever describe and ever so hard to resist.
That this red liquid is able to quench your metaphorical thirst for emotional relief.

How can you explain that that it helps...
That in some twisted way the pain makes everything hurt less.

How do you explain to them that it scares the living hell out of you,
That this is something you can do to yourself,
That this is something you want to do to youself.
The knowing that even after so many years you still crave it,
And you don't think you will ever stop craving it.

How can you explain to them that you don't want them to think you're crazy.
That it just hurts too much for you to bare.
That you are trying to bare it but the pain you feel inside is too much.

That the fact that you can't see this pain scares you,
that others can't see your pain scares you,
That you don't even understand this pain scares you.
And maybe this is why you crave watching yourself bleed.

It's a pain you can see,
A pain that others can see,
A pain you can understand,
But now that you see the pain you understand that you don't want others to see it.
Because how could you even beguin to explain.


How could I ever beguin to expain to you that I want to watch myself bleed...

They sit together
Hand in hand
They kiss each other
With their feet in the sand

People that walk by
All stop and stare
Talk in hushed whispers
Why are people so unfair

Just because they are
Both of the same gender
When they are together
They are seen as the offender

But they committed no crime
No law has been broken
But the way they are treated
Can leave them heartbroken

How could it be said
That their love is untrue
Or that being who they are
Is something new

Don't judge people
For things they can't change
Don't discriminate against them
Or call them something strange

*We are all people
No matter what
That seems to be something
That we all forgot

Some people live their entire lives without ever seeing the light
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Not because they can't, but because they refuse to even try
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Don't stay in the darkness

My friend once told me that they were trash,
And I told them their thinking was rash,
Becuase one man's trash is another man's treasure,
And you will be mine for forever and ever.

Stop using me as an excuse
To make them feel disrespected
Don't tell me what I'm feeling
Just becuase you think I'm neglected

You say that "Now she knows
What it's like from your point if view"
But may I please ask
What does this have to do with you

Stop telling them that they are a sinner
Becuase to understanding you are a begginer

They live life as best they can
So what if they want to be a man

Just because they have
Changed their birth name
Doesn't give you reason to ignore
the challenges they overcame

Your say you love them
But I find that has to believe
You may be old and wise
But you are still so naive

You wanted to change them back
But what's done is done
You may have lost a granddaughter
But you gained a grandson

You know about the clowns
With their terrible sounds
Terrifying the city
And thinking the're witty

I hold be breath
Because they scare me to death
They hide in the trees
Can they not please

They use to make me laugh
Now on my behalf
Please tell them to leave
Before All Hallows' Eve

I miss you,
But I know you don't.
I wish you would,
But I know you won't.

I miss your (pained) smile,
And the way that you walked.
The way you (never) really,
Listened when I talked.

I miss the words your said,
Your advice I would (never) need.
How when we walked,
You would always (make me) lead.

I miss the way you (didn't) acknowledge me,
How you were always three steps ahead.
The way you would (never) hug me,
No matter what I said.

I miss you,
And I will forever.
It's ok if you forget me,
As I know our bond will never sever.

Are children really so childish
Aren't they only just discovering what they wish
They should be protected from all their fears
And not have to shed so many tears
They should be able to let their imaginations run wild
Without their innocence ever being defiled
They should be able to be free
Not to worry about the waves of the deep blue sea
Can't we all just protect them
so nothing can ever hurt them

<
The light bulb flickers and then goes out
Just when you think its gone for good
It stutters back on
Its bright light spreading across the room once again
>
The girl suffers, struggling to stand tall
Just when she has fallen
And you think she's down for the count
She gets back up with a smile to show all
<
You know that one day the light won't turn back on
And the room will be filled with darkness
Until the day you buy another
Replacing the old with something brand new
>
You know that one day she will not get back up
And she will be defeated and lost.
Until the day that you decide to help her up
Out of the sympathy in your heart
<
But the new bulb will never be quite the same
It will always be a slightly different shade of light
Never quite as bright as it use to be
>
But the girls smile will never be quite the same
It will always have a slightly different feeling behind it
Never quite as big as it use to be

^
**But just because its different
Doesn't mean we don't love it just as much
It's special in its own unique way.
There is no way a replacement could ever be the same,
So you shouldn't expect it to be

You've known me all my life
So why can't you accept me
I can feel you watching me
Judging me for being me

I'm still the same person
I haven't changed at all
But yet you treat me differently
Like someone you don't know

I no longer feel so open
Like I need to hide
To not show you the parts of me
That you know are there

I thought I could trust you
I thought that you cared
I thought you would still love me
The same way you did before

But I was wrong
And I still don't understand
Why you can't let me be me
And show you who I am

There are...
There are times
Where every day
Just seems darker
Than the last

Where every moonset
Every sunrise
Every new day
Just feels like another
Burden to bare

When you get out of bed
It's all the same
As the day before
And nothings changed
So what's the point anymore

The people that walk by
Always talking
Never listening
Going about their business
Like they are the center of the world
Like nothing could hurt them

But they all wear masks
No one shows their true face
Not to their best friends
Nor to their closest family
Sometimes not even to themselves

So why even bother getting up
Stay in bed today
Stay in bed forever
What's the point in trying
Why does it even matter

The lone wolf cries out
Howling into the night
Mourning his lost lover

He calles out to the sky
Asking to not be alone
But he is a lone wolf

We belong together
Me and you
I can feel it
In what we do

Our hands don't fit
Together quite right
It wasn't love
At first sight

I won't always be there
But what ever I do
Still know that
I love you

Where there is good
There is always bad

Where there is light
There is always shadows

So with a light that shines
As brightly as your
There are bound to be
Shadows that come along

But I know with the bright light
That you choose to share
with every one you meet
That you can overcome them all

I scream and shout
But nothing comes out
I cry and shed tears
But none will appear
So I'll shout some more
Until it starts to pour
Then I'll stand in the rain
And let go of this pain

Falling

Falling forever downwards
Into a hole that just grows
Deeper and deeper
And darker and darker

Digging

Digging my hole deeper
With every mistake I make
Every time I mess up
Every time I hurt someone

Crying

Crying tears fall from my eyes
The shame and embarrassment
Saying sorry is not enough
For me to be forgiven

Remembeing

Remembering every mistake I made
No matter how small they are
Or how bad my memories is
They will never stop replaying in my mind

Begging

Begging for forgiveness
For things they probably don't remember
And that probably don't care about
But they need to know that I do

Hoping

Hoping that one day they will forgive me
And that I will forgive myself
For the things that create my hole
And then mabey I will stop...

Falling

I didn't write my essay...

Because in a room of silence,
Everything feels so loud.
My brain is screaming at me to run away,
Like the paper in front of me has claws and teeth,
Just waiting to tear me apart.
I want to tear it apart.

I can feel it bubbling and boiling up my throat,
Suffocating me so the anxiety can breath.
But I can't breath.
When did this silence become so deafening?

There are always first times for things
Like the first time you took a step
Unguided by your parents
The first time you were kissed
By someone who wasn't family
Or even the first time you learnt to ride a bike
Without the training wheels on

But there are also first times for things that didn't
Like the first time your mother didn't tell you goodnight
Because she was too busy and forgot
The first time you didn't celebrate you birthday
Because you were getting too old
Or the first time you didn't see someone you love
Because they were no longer alive

And the worst part about these first times
Is that you don't see them coming
They are what always follow
The last times that you never expect

*But sometimes the first time you didn't do something
Can be more painful then the last time you did something

The insomniatic somnolence coats me.
16kHz of sound running through my eardrums.
Empty words written on the walls of bathroom cubicals.
The lifes of people who come and go,
Snagged on the emtpy soap dispensers.

***** lino floors folded at the edges.
The rattling sounds of doors locking around me.
Plastic seats flipped down to carry weights,
Of the people who come to just sit down.
The rusted hinges on doors I can't seem to leave through.

This is both my prison and my safety.

It's nice to see you
Where've you been
I want to know
What's been happening

I can't help but think
It's been awhile
I've missed you a load
Especially your smile

There are so many things
I want to share
Your might even need
To pull up a chair

I'm so, so sorry
I have been gone so long
I really missed this place
Where I will always belong

When you say you want to die,
I want to say 'me too',
But I can't,
Because you're only eleven.

When you ask about the scars on my arm,
I tell you it happen by accident,
So not to give you any ideas,
Because you're only eleven.

When you cry and I hold you tight,
I tell you a lie,
That everything is going to be ok,
Because you're only eleven.

When I cry I cover my eyes,
I don't want you to see my pain,
So I can help you deal with yours,
Because you're only eleven.

When things get to hard,
I want to keep you safe,
So you don't have to face the world alone,
Because you're only eleven.

When you say you want to die,
I promise to help you live,
And give you the support I never got,
Because I was only seven.