Colors are swirling in front of my eyes
and took me too long to realize
that those are your eyes staring at mine.
Different colors are mixing together,
the anger and the fear
of being caught...
of being caught in a lie.
But what did you lie about to make me so upset?
I know you lash out when you're afraid of the consequences
am I really that frightening?
But you lied
you lied about who you truly were
you lived a lie that you created
that you wanted others to believe.
The truth wouldn't break me
it's the lies that do.
What is the purpose of these lies?
What are you doing?
What are you?
What?
What...

If moving your mouth takes too much energy
then telling lies must be exhausting
because you can twist your words
to make yourself heard
but I know that you're lying.
Your voice is grating
against my ears that try to listen
for the truth between your words.
But it's too easy to believe you
and when have I ever had an easy life anyways?
You won't stop,
I won't stop,
so i'm sure we'll keep going and going around in circles
as we destroy anything that we ever had together
if we even had anything at all.
So spiral out of control
because who cares anyway!
Who cares...
Who cares?
Who...

She lives her life so thoroughly,
it seeps through her clothes,
her skin,
and into her blood
and all her greatest joys
swim through her veins.

But there is a strange pressure,
a tenderness in her chest
that makes her feel weak,
and people don't seem to realize
that this person who is filled with joy
is bleeding.

The rustle of sheets
the pacing of feet
and the lights outside flicker
in the dark street
that is covered in sleet
the house is losing heat
shiver under blankets
to gain warmth is a feat
when the big hand meets
the little hand, there are seats
that are inanimate and cold
anxiety ain't sweet
anxiety ain't sweet
anxiety ain't sweet

I'll be around
hanging upside down
and maybe i'll frown
for I heard a sound
that made my head pound
and i'll fall to the ground
weak grip making me drown
or losing the hound
in this forsaken town
and I know I feel bound
from speaking to the crown
but don't worry I'll hang around
don't worry I'll hang around.

I can rest easier now.
My head hurts less than it did before,
my thoughts slow down
when it's time to sleep.
I can allow the world to just shut down
and be at rest.

For once in my life
I can sleep in peace.

The desire to be held
The desire to be left alone
The desire to be loved
The desire to be forgotten
The desire to be alive
The desire to be dead
The desire to be talkative
The desire to be silent
The desire to be home
The desire to be away
The desire for things to change

The desire is what makes me decay
because the desire to fall
is the strongest of them all
and it is just one feeling I can not change

Here are some of my reasons...
1. Desserts
2. Cute, baby animals (like kittens or puppies)
3. Warm blankets
4. Hugs
5. Kisses
6. Making new friends
7. Drawing/Painting (regardless of skill level)
8. Good music
9. Falling in love
10. Experiencing silly cliches
11. Holding hands
12. Dancing everywhere
13. Holding a baby
14. Having unique conversations with little kids
15. Family or your new family-Just people who love you unconditionally
16. Home
17. Change
18. Reading good books
19. Ability to speak my mind
20. Hope
...
There are many more reasons to live,
these are just some of my reasons
I hope this helps.

I am nothing but a target to you,
painted red and white
with a bull's eye on my forehead.
Something that you practice on
firing away until you hit the spot
that will end me completely.
But it's okay,
because I don't mind what you say about me.
I don't care that you take out your anger on me
because I know something that you don't.
As you **** your gun and take your aim
glaring me down as I smile,
you pull the trigger
and I don't even flinch,
because the only sound is an empty click
of the gun you fired too many times
and had missed.
So you see,
I don't mind being your target
and it doesn't matter what you fire my way
because you have no bullets
you have absolutely nothing
to attack me with
and I am so sorry if that's not okay... not.

Things fall apart
and here I am, sitting in the dark.
Alone, alone, alone.
I just need something to create a spark
of life.

But you're alright, everything is fine,
keep your wits sharp,
be quick,
and don't forget to laugh.

Other's words can't hurt me,
for I am strong, I am not weak.
Liar, liar, liar.
I can't tell anyone why I gaze into
the distance.

Why aren't you laughing?
They can't hurt you if you laugh.
Laughing is power.
LAUGH.

I let a giggle slip past my lips
that I have tried so desperately to keep shut.
Laugh, laugh, laugh.
Maybe it's a good thing that I am alone and
i'm laughing

You are not broken,
You are happy!
So laugh! and don't you ever stop!
But I want to stop... Do. Not. Stop.

I laugh until my stomach hurts and
tears roll down my face.
Stop, stop, stop.
No, just let me descend into
insane laughter.

For if I don't laugh, I will most definitely be torn apart.

Dying
Always
Ruins
Love
Youth
Is
Now
Gone

Didn't you know that, Darling?

Whispers are like voices being carried on the wind.
They dance just out of range
and your ear can't quite catch it.
You probably should have tried harder to listen.

Shouts are like cannons exploding the enemies ranks.
They are always heard
and your body feels the blast.
You probably should have tried harder to run away.

Little taps are like needles.
They dig gently into your fingertips
and you can barely feel them.
You probably should have tried to feel something for once.

Smacks are like gunshots.
They rip through your flesh leaving their mark
and your skin stings from the contact.
You probably should have tried to avoid them.

Light is like peace and purity.
It places hope in your heart
and your mind can understand that.
You probably should have tried to hang on to that.

Darkness is like a deep, black ocean.
It suffocates you, the pressure is intense
and your lungs feel like they're drowning.
You probably should have tried to swim.

The end is just like the beginning.
It always happens so quickly
and your body is not quite prepared for it.
You probably should have recognized that this is the end.

If I was in a war against sleep
I would be winning
For I have not given in to the peaceful darkness.
...
But this is the one occassion where I wish I would just lose.

Wake up and smell the dead roses,
walk with me through the burned fields,
dance with me in pouring rain,
and dodge the falling debris.
But be careful,
for you will realize
that you have been hit by falling debris,
the pouring rain is keeping you on the ground,
you're laying in the empty, burned fields,
with blackened rose petals covering your trembling body.
And when I say you
I mean myself,
for I feel that I am two,
I am me and I am you,
and we lay together on scorched earth
yet we lay apart and drowning in the rain.

Don't you understand that I am a poison?
I will take you down too.
So I dare you to bite me,
fight me,
I dare you,
because when you're enjoying your sweet victory,
i'll be swimming in your veins
slowly killing you
like you have killed me.
For I am your poison
and you are mine.

It's 1:32 am
and I show no signs of sleeping
There's just this heavy weight on my chest
and I feel choked up.
There's pressure behind my eyes
and the tears are starting to come
and I don't know why.
But the more I sit here,
the more sad I become,
but when I pace I become angry
and then even more sad.
I don't understand why.
Everything is okay right now,
but i'm sad,
and it's stupid because I have no reason to be upset,
I just am.
The thing is
this has been happening for about a week
and I have been trying to be happy,
I have been forcing myself to smile
be optimistic
to laugh
to enjoy myself.
But for some reason,
it's just been so **** hard
as this inexplicable sadness is smothering me.

I bit my tongue so hard that it bled,
but I never said a single word
and there's a heavy weight that's on my neck
it rolls lifelessly from the thoughts in my mind.
I carry the burden of my aching head,
full of thoughts that my mouth has not conquered
and I don't have anyone to check
to see if my mind is something they could find.
My lips stay sealed completely
locking my words in my own head,
and I think I may have thrown away the key,
for my words refuse to escape me.

Pain is like water
increasing the pressure inside a can
with a tightly closed lid.
It keeps building and building
the force of the water is getting stronger
then it explodes.
The lid flies off and the water flows out,
but that's not the end.
The water keeps spreading
and you can't put a lid on it
or it will burst again.
You have to let the water run its course,
allow yourself to feel it wash over you.
Then when it is time,
the water will drain away
and you can finally put the lid back on the can.

Everything is so tight.
Jeans, leggings, dresses, shirts, skirts, jackets
and summer wear is even worse and more revealing with
crop tops, shorts, and even shorter skirts and dresses.
How are we all able to breathe?
Victorian fashion had corsets
and those made them faint!
So why does the fashion have to be tight?
Don't get me wrong,
I do like skinny jeans, and tight shirts and dresses
I am a girl after all,
we all give in to the status quo of fashion at times.
But, sizes are even smaller now than they were before.
I haven't gained or lost weight,
my waist size hasn't changed,
nothing has.
Except for the clothes.
Are we trying to make women smaller and thinner
by just shrinking the clothes?
It should not be ¨Survival of the fittest¨
in the dressing rooms.
That isn't cool.
Also, why are the pants so short?
I have long legs, okay,
and because my waist size matches someone who is smaller than me
then that must mean that I am short
according to clothes.
Therefore I have difficulty finding pants
that fit my waist
and my legs.
I am not blind to my surroundings.
Every single girl
Goes. Through. This.
We all have shopping woes,
some worse than others.
We all gain uncomfortable experiences
whether it be from something not fitting,
or from the attention on the streets
that we get for wearing it.
Then of course, don't forget the media!
Remember all those pictures of perfect people
being shoved down our throats
strangling us until we accept the fact
that we should be just like them.

Suffocation is the latest fashion,
and we are expected to wear it well.

"Would you like some cake"
A women asked me politely as she was exiting the door holding a tray of cake.
"No thank you, i'm not a fan of cake."
I respond, laughing politely because the situation was a little bizarre.
"That's probably why you're so skinny and not fat."
I didn't respond after that and here's why:
repeat her last line, except with the nastiest tone you could imagine.
Then imagine her glaring at me as she left.
...
What did I do? Why did that escalate so quickly?
What just happened....

Hush little baby,
don't say a word
cause mama is crying
and there's no mocking bird

and we know the mockingbird won't return,
so mama's gonna say go back to sleep, her tone stern.

Wait, where is that shiny ring mama likes?
Mama says she told it to take a hike.

She stepped on the shiny, jagged objects at last,
but mama says it's just the broken looking glass.

Didn't papa say he'll buy you a billy goat?
But mama says ¨not another word out of your throat.¨

How about that bull and cart you were promised?
Mama said papa was never honest.

When will we buy a dog named Rover?
Mama looked at you and said it was all over.

You dreamed of the day you'd have a horse and cart,
so you could leave and mama won't see you depart.

Now your life is lived with a grain of salt,
and mama never said it wasn't your fault.

Hush little baby,
don't say a word
mama loves you very much
but papa won't return.

Innocence,
where did you go?
I swear just yesterday
I was a little girl in fifth grade
who told herself that she was going to do something
BIG.
But here I am
typing away endlessly,
questioning why things are this way
because I swear
there were two paths my family could have taken
when I was in fifth grade,
and the most difficult one was chosen for us,
and I don't know if I can handle it.

My sister drinks, smokes, and has *** too much,
she's only 19,
she has told me over and over again
"Don't be like me, because I did this,"
and then she proceeds to explain to me,
in very vivid detail,
what she has done.
But I never wanted to hear it.

My other sister, who is now 21.
I was not very close to from sixth grade
to my sophomore year in high school.
I couldn't have told you what her favorite color was,
and she couldn't have told you mine.
But I idolized her.
So the day I learned that she was like my other sister
for her high school career,
was the day I learned how useless pedestals were,
because people always seem to fall even farther,
and the impact hurts everyone even more
than it could be imagined.

My brother, who is 16,
is the one I absolutely adore.
I always try to be there for him
whether I am at his games
or just hanging out with him.
But the days where he doesn't say anything,
scares me.
Because I can't tell if he is okay,
and all I want to know is if someone is okay.

My parents are the best I could ask for,
but I am always under so much stress from them.
I feel like they are putting all of their hopes and dreams on me,
as if I am the only one who will do something with their life,
and that terrifies me,
and depresses me.
The expectations are not something that I wish to go through,
because they aren't my expectations,
they are somebody else's ideals placed over my own.
I also don't like how much work I do for my family,
and how much work I do in school,
only to get nothing in response,
not even a thank you.
I just get told of how I could have done it better.
I know that those sound minor,
but they still cut deeply,
because it feels like no matter how hard I try,
that I will never do anything right.
They also count on me to watch my niece and two nephews
and it has taken them two years
to mention how much I have done for those troubled kids,
whose situation tore me apart.

In sixth grade I became an aunt,
because my half-brother is an idiot
and he got this girl pregnant.
Because we are a nice family, we offered to take in this girl
and try to give her an opportunity in life to do something.
But she just lied and manipulated us into thinking
that she was going to school,
and that she was being a good parent,
and it worked,
But, one day we found out the truth.
My mom saw her out of school
when she was supposed to be there,
and then discovered that her school notebook
had only one page of notes for a month of school.
Then we all saw her hit her child's hands
and then face,
then spanked her child for crying when she needed a diaper change.
Then one day,
my half-brother and his girlfriend
took my niece away.
I was in seventh grade at the time,
already dealing with my own bullies and demons,
but that day is burned into my memory.
It changed my life forever,
because I honestly believed that I would never see my niece again,
I believed that she would be dead in the next year.
I gave my niece a kiss on her forehead,
and I prayed to God that she would be okay.
I ran into my house and I cried.
That was the day that all of my innocence was taken away.
Everything has been my own Hell since then.

And I really miss those days where I looked at the world
as this beautiful and exciting place
and where every new answer fascinated me
to the point where I loved asking
Why?

But now I hate that question,
because there is never really a straight answer anymore.
*To be continued...

Everything is okay, you're fine.
Those are only just shadows.
That noise was just the wind,
or was it the trees
or maybe it's a person,
...who is that person,
what if something bad happens.
Shut up!
I'm trying to sleep.
No, you have to be prepared.
Prepared for what.
Anything that could possibly happen,
well I guess i'm not sleeping then.
Not until you've checked all the doors and the windows
okay
twice
twice?
Don't forget the basement door
okay!
Oh it's so dark and creepy down there
okay.
But you have to make sure the door isn't unlocked... What was that?
What was what?
The light switch isn't working, it's like a horror movie,
...no it's not
No it's true, the girl cant turn on the lights but she goes down the stairs anyways,
stop.
Then she makes it to the bottom but she keeps hearing these noises
okay, that's enough.
Don't go by the laundry room, there is definitely someone there.
But that's where I have to go!
Go. Don't go. Go. Don't go.
I'm going, nothing is there, i'm fine.
Don't go, DON'T GO, DON'T GO!
OH MY GOD I'M SO SCARED.
...
...
Oh, there was nothing there, oh well, you can go back to sleep now.
...Thanks.

Somewhere along the journey
the wind stopped blowing the sails
and we drifted with the current,
stranded out at sea.
We figured the wind would start again,
it always does,
it just needs some time.
As the night enveloped us in darkness
and the stars twinkled coldly up above,
we heard the waves slap against our boat
making unsettling sounds,
and then the wind started again.
But it wasn't very nice wind,
it raged and swirled
and the waves became higher and stronger
rocking our boat
as it groaned and creaked
from the pressure.
People were screaming out,
"Man overboard!"
and then they cried for they lost him
to the dangerous dark waters.
The captain was screaming orders to the crew
who desperately tried to maintain the ship,
passengers ran to their cabins.
But we stayed up top
watching the storm rage.
Then the rain came
and then the hail
thunder cracked over head
and lightning was seen on the horizon.
Destruction.
The wind wouldn't die down
even though we wanted it to.
Something happened and we blacked out.
Something hit us from behind,
debris?
A person?
We couldn't tell,
and we fell.
Now we watch from above the ship
confused.
We couldn't grab anyone
to carry them upward
to safety.
We saw the ship succumb to the storm
as it sank steadily,
while the waters wildly claimed it for their own
we stayed floating above the sea.
The storm moved on
but we didn't know where to go,
and to this day
we are all still lost at sea.

Cars crashing,
seatbelts couldn't hold them back
as they flew through the windshield,
waterfalls of glass
cascaded over the smashed front,
the ground sparkled coldly,
red glinted off of the glass
that was embedded into the flying figures.
Bodies hit the ground,
they made a hollow sound,
blood pooled out around them.
They were young souls,
gasping out their final breaths,
their chests heaved as they screamed.
People gathered around
crying hopeless tears.
Nothing could change their fate.
As the ambulance finally came,
and the cars were towed away,
only one thing remained,
it was the young blood that stained
the grey pavement.
No tears,
and no rain,
could ever wash away this blood
that now tinted the hearts of the people who saw
just exactly how violent it is
to die young.