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Tatiana Sep 22
Are you using protection?
Yes, of course, he says
Pushes me back and enters
I'm so focused on the pain of newness
I don’t notice that he's lying
Every time we did this I'd always ask
He'd always assure me
And then he'd start without it
Put it on half way through
After he's been inside me
Disregarded my wants for his own
Put my health at risk for his pleasure
Never communicated with me what he did
When I communicated what I wanted
A complete betrayal of trust
I'm done with him
I'm done
I was in what felt like a really good relationship for 3ish months. I really put myself out there in a way I never felt ready for before and I don't regret it. But lying to my face when I'm at my most vulnerable and lying repeatedly is no good for me and I couldn't continue this romantic relationship. I've learned a lot. I appreciate a lot of what he's done for me but this is an area where I can't compromise on. I'm not on birth control. I made that clear and I made it clear that he had to use a ******. And I should also mention this is the first time I ever had *** so I was pretty naive to it all. And if you've known me awhile on here you'll know that I've experienced ****** abuse before. So during this whole relationship I was really upfront about all of that and how important it was to communicate what he was doing and for us to stop when I reached an uncomfortable point. That it would be a challenge but one I was willing to work through with him if he was willing to be patient with me. And he was and he listened and it seemed really good. But then he wasnt using a ****** all of the time, without my permission, when he knew better. It'll take me a bit to move on. But move on I will.
Tatiana Aug 26
Dewdrops sparkle with spiders' silk
Twinkling like stars in the sky
Sad that all of them have died
Sad that spiders live short lives
Substances seep into my skin
I don't know their ingredients
Smooth age before it sets in
Fill all my gaps with plastic
Pretty nice things are never sweet
Quiet homes thrive on busy streets
White lies kept our hearts in line
White fences hid vicious crimes

Tighten the belt around my waist
Hopefully I suffocate
Before the final hole is made
In the noose on my vanity

Quicken the pace of self decay
Rot like flowers in early May
Diseased; succumb to earthy graves
Be welcomed back from which you came
*Tatiana
Tatiana Jun 5
I've forgotten quite a bit of my childhood
The teenage years that is
Spent so many years without sleeping
Anger-bleaching my brain
Who was I,
I hardly knew

But I am so different today
Or perhaps I am who I always was
And back then was just the shell
I did not change then did I?
Does the distinction even matter?
I feel so different today
Tatiana Dec 2021
I really don't know what to say right now
he's rotting from the inside out
and I do not care if he lives or dies
because either way he won't harm anymore lives
can't really do much with no fingers or feet
which turned black like his touch
a rash became too much
and only the ****** in his veins
kept him standing-up
but it'll affect his children
the ones he does not have custody of
but I think a part of me always hoped
that one day
he'd admit to everything he had done
and he'd apologize for it all
that he'd change his ways
do some good
I'd let it all go if he tried to do better
because nothing is unforgiveable
and people can change -- I've seen it
but he never did
he never did
and now he's rotting from the inside out
heart infected
brain damaged
blackened fingers and toes
and I feel bad that I do not feel bad
I feel bad for the times I thought
that the only way he'd ever stop
was if he died.
Now it seems he's dying.
And he's rotting from the inside out.

Perhaps that is punishment enough.
©Tatiana
I've made mistakes myself. Times where I've hurt my family because I thought I was doing something right but it turned out I was way off the mark. And that guilt still haunts me sometimes, never mind the fact that I apologized and changed my ways. I've even been forgiven and I'm so different now compared to when I was 16/17 yrs old. So I can't understand how he continued to keep doing bad things over and over again. Everyone in my family gave him chances to get back on his feet and he threw them all away. He kept hurting people and not once did he ever admit to it or apologize for any of it. And I just don't get it. Why couldn't he have done better?
I learn that I ****** up and then I do better. He never learned from his mistakes/bad choices.
Tatiana Oct 2021
I wanted to see the sunrise.
Instead I laid in bed and watched
as my windows slowly let in
more and more light. Maybe tomorrow,
I'll watch the sunrise. Maybe tomorrow,
I'll crawl out my window. Maybe tomorrow,
I'll take pictures of the sunrise and
it'll be worth it.
I'll always want to see tomorrow
even if I dread every second of today.
I want to see tomorrow
and capture it.
©Tatiana
Sometimes tomorrow is the only reason I get through today.
Tatiana Oct 2021
If you miss me,
              follow the bees.

If you miss me,
              listen to the leaves.

If you miss me,
              I'll be beneath
              the lilac tree.

I'll wait for you;
              come join me.

I'll wait for you;
              come join me.
©Tatiana
Tatiana Sep 2021
A large **** slashed open its side.
A collision with a boat we all think.
Though no boat has claimed its ****.
The wind whipped its scent through the crowd
a saltier tang than usual.
More concentrated; more direct.
Its chest heaved with the rhythm of the waves
as water poured into its lax mouth
expanding its chest
in a mockery of breath
before deflating again like a balloon spent.
Bites from opportunistic feeders
marred the solid gray-blue-white skin
with a pinkish hue
and gaping holes.
Its blood lingered in the dark green waves
a sandy-pink as it flowed with the current.
And people still swam in its wake!
Unperturbed by the dead still bleeding
or the funeral procession watching on
in a half-circle of grief and awe and humor too
as the largest of lives we don't normally see
lay dead on the beach.
©Tatiana

I saw a dead whale on the beach and nothing can prepare you for the size of a whale. It was 54 ft long and completely lifeless.
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