Every third day of the third week in July for the last six years
I would crawl out onto the hot, black shingled roof of our white and gray two story shuttered house
and I would try to count the stars in the southern sky

The course grains of each shingle would burn deep gouges into my knees and hands as if each shingle was punishing me for sitting on them.

But I hadn't a care in the world

For I had a reason and a purpose to be there
You see, that third day was my day, that third week was my week..

It was all mine...the day I would lose myself into the universe

As I nestled into my favorite spot, I leaned against the hard wood window frame, not caring for a second how I long i sat there. At that pristine moment, I just began to count the stars

Each single star I counted, whether it be faded as the night or bright as the day,  was surrounded by complete darkness. A pitch black of nothing.
Those were the lonely stars I saw and I breathed once again.

Each single star i counted, was all alone and afraid in the vast deepness of space with nothing to embrace them except for my eyes and my casual memories and I breathed once again.

This is my healing place. My escape from the life threatening complexities that invaded my inner being. I witnessed the thousands of morsels of light in the southern sky as if they were tiny demons millions of light years away, haunting and watching over me each and every night. For they can no longer touch me or break me apart. They will become the broken.

I have found my place of solace on top of that hot, black shingled roof of our white and gray shuttered house. Many peaceful nights I counted the stars, only to lose to count after I reached one hundred. My eyes would glaze over with an undue purpose of peace and I breathed once again as I started to count the stars all over again.

I wonder at the times
I wonder in my dreams
I wonder where we are going?
I wonder why I scream

I hurry through the day
I hurry in the night
I hurry by the clouds
I hurry darkened sight

I look into my future
I look into my prime
I look into amazement
I look into my crime

I die a lonely life
I die quite alone
I die with one last tear
I die without a moan

I sleep, I dream in a pitch black world
Canvas made of cotton, blood soaked and soiled

I dream not in color but many shades of gray
Pulse is risen sharply, time to go and play

Visions I see of horror, creeping in the dark
Shadows in every corner,  time to leave it's mark

Strapped down with failed emotions, I fell down in a violent  blunder
I hear the hooves of  horses, rolling crazy thunder

Can't wake up, from this nightmarish pain
Knocked down the door, hear me screaming again

I dreamt I was lying,
forever dying.

Death is a question,
Life's but a mention.

I dreamt I was sitting,
forever believing.

Sadness is pure fear,
Happiness is but sheer.

I dreamt I was standing,
forever pandering.

Sight is not seeing,
blindness is but believing.

I dreamt I was writing,
forever sighing.

Hearing has no sound,
Listening is to bound.

I dreamt I was fed,
forever I was dead.

If passion is a crime,
Is my muse but a disease?

If love is a ******,
Is my ink but the blood?

If *** is the devil,
Is my paper but the cure?

If life is the game,
Is my passion not to write?

Breathless transition
between life and death
Soul floating above
No, STOP!!
I am not done living
Point of no return
Seeing the light
Pulls you up
Cold chills
Not going
Soul returns
Alive again
In between

Color blind to deception
Color blind to destruction

Seen is the fires
Seen is the desires

Bent on amends
Bent on revenge

Indicted by our mind
Indicted by our kind

Protest in the street
Protest in the heat

Tears streams down
Tears streams abound

Violence is unjust
Violence is not a must

Hearts must mend
Hearts must not bend

Stronger we must pray
Stronger we must stay

Succulent tears
drips blood on the tree,
******* in chains
Never be free

Deep in my mind
time passes slow,
Trapped and insane
I bow to below

Vastness surrounds,
who's calling my name
Tap on the glass
its breaking the pane

Serenity smiles
she's making the grade,
I see no evil
but fear total fade

The brightness blinds me,
where do I pay
Alone in my room
with nothing to say!!

© Silent Screams

Twisted inside
demented in dreams,
I fear the demons
that make me scream.

The nightmare, the pain,
the evil inside
No tears, all fears
All night do I cry.

Come darkness no light
cursing my soul
nowhere do I turn
I run and I crawl

No escape from this place
Inside of this hell
Pounding and pounding
Stop ringing the bell

© Silent Screams

Pain echoed
Drained my soul raw
Burrow deep
inside and crawl

Inferno drenched
Wretched smell
Into the cavern
Down the well

Covered in vane
Temptation is lust
***** little *****
No one trust

Misled youth
Grown up sour
Pass the liquor
One more hour

White powder line
Bills in a roll
Down toward the mirror
Snort up the nose

Damnation has followed
My every step
Meet my maker
I have never met

What hide behinds, that ******* cloud?
Listen, real close..Shhh!!!

BOOM!!  Nice and loud!!!!

Flashes of light,
ballet across the sky.
Pulsating surges
electrify the night.

The mother is mad,
in all of her glory,
vengeance is amongst us,
hell hath no fury.

The rains subside,
damage is done.
No rainbows to see,
where is the sun?

Stop and look at the few
Your eyes cast stares
toward the black and blue

Our shadows are the same bending on the wall
Creeping in the cracks
Whispers are your call

Lipstick red, double zero to the gauge
Snakebites shine
The world is my stage

Alternative is my way, let me only be
Close your ******* eyes
then turn around and leave

If your story does not hold up in the light,  then you will spend the rest of your life in the dark.

I Remember THAT Day

I remember that day

I remember that day

THAT DAY………….I FOUND YOU!!!
I remember that ….*******, ****** ***, **** YOUR LIFE TYPE OF **** DAY

We were both just fifteen years old, so rebellious but shy in our own right minds

You were just fifteen years old, when I found you slouched over the steering wheel of your mother’s 1978 Red Ford Pinto

YES, that red Ford Pinto with the rusted out, broken muffler, busted right tail light and six dents on the passenger door (that we caused when we were just 13)

YES, that red Ford Pinto that your mother insisted on driving us to school in, only to have us insisting on her dropping us off a block early, why, because we were too embarrassed to get caught seen in that “hunk of junk”, “*******”, red Ford Pinto.

I sat down next to you, in that red Ford Pinto, but you breathed not one single breathe out of your blue stained lips. I screamed at you “WAKE THE HELL UP, **** YOU!!”
My voice cracked with apology, I was so wrong to yell at you, as thoughtless anger filled my heart with sinful hate. But still not a single breathe passed through your lips.
I whispered in your ear “I am sorry”

I remember, that day and that single note you left on the dusty, cracked dashboard of that red Ford Pinto. That note with scribbled letters running across the wrinkled white paper and the pen that you dropped on the floorboard. That note that read “I don’t understand WHYYYYYYY”

That last letter on that note, that you penned, was flown across the paper as if you didn’t want to leave. THAT LAST letter gouged the wrinkled white paper with remorse and apologies. I felt every syllable that you wrote stapled across my chest as if I was being pierced by a thousand sewing needles that were trying to mend my severed, bleeding heart.

I REMEMBER THAT DAY, IN THAT RED FORD PINTO, WHEN I LAID MY HEAD ON YOUR BARE SHOULDER AND HELD YOU CLOSE TO ME. I REMEMBER OUR FINAL EMBRACE.

I REMEMBER THAT DAY, IN YOUR MOTHER’S 1978 RED FORD PINTO, WE WERE BOTH JUST FIFTEEN YEARS OLD, SO REBELLIOUS BUT SHY IN OUR OWN RIGHT MINDS, I REMEMBER TAKING MY FINAL BREATHE AS I HEARD THE GARAGE DOOR START TO OPEN.

On the coast of the shore
pictures on the page
staring at the ocean
Churning and full of rage

Her jet black hair
waves in the wind
Quiet Jersey girl
Alone commits no sin

Brown eyes stare in line
Gazed along the walk
Finding her only guy
Whispers no loud talk

Waiting in the cold
Shivers in the wind
No sailor coming home
Turn back gone again

Tears fall down her cheek
Sadness settles in
Telegraph wrinkled up
Her heart broken again

In the bag of death he lay,
all zipped up, here to stay.

Upon his toe, there hangs a tag,
Dead on Arrival, lies on the slab.

Eyes closed shut, red everywhere.
Taken away,  nobody cares.

His pain is gone, he cries no more.
Silence is simple, down to the core.

Shot in the chest, wouldn't you know?
Another victim is gone named John Doe.

Bullet flies
Murdered victim
Blood splatters
Guilty verdict
Injected killer

When I disappear. Would you care?
I cast doubt on your feelings, for you are not fair.

Shroud hate in my presence, distant in thought
Runaway on the tracks, love can't be bought

Steps of my own, wither in time
Souls of my shoes, dirt covered sign

Parkbench to bed with nothing to eat
Poor beggar child run to the street

Chilled in the cold, drenched by the rain
Think of tomorrow, the blisters, the pain

Two years under bridges, this is my home
See what you did, I am kissing the stone

Powder on the mirror,
Its lines so smooth in lane
Cut, nice and pure
it's Lady *******.

Fuel filled dragons,
bills rolled up tight
Sniffing up the white stuff
my mind isn't right

The first line went up too fast
Burning up my nose
Two lines more to go
Is this a killing joke?

Spinning into Hades,
Twisting way too fast
going down the rabbit hole
I am only going to crash

Am I in wonderland
Or is this a dream?
Could this be ******* real
or it is make believe?

Finding my way out,
I am never going see.
take this stuff away,
Just pain and suffering

Crying out loud
And crying me insane
Please get her away from me,
This Lady *******

Walk down the valley
Seeing no sun
Fade in the shadows
Casts of everyone

Every corner is a game
Win, lose or death
Tipping over fear
One final breathe

Cracks across the moon
Cry myself to sleep
Pull the blanket over
Silence is the creep

Minutes fade forever
Time is only pure
Ingested bloodstream poison
Leave this place for sure

No one understands
Standing in my place
Knotted up inside
Staring face to face

Fetal as a fever
Crazy simple man
Time is all but over
Execute the plan

I stacked up these bricks,
to build this wall.
You knocked it down,
to see it fall.

Higher and higher,
brick by brick.
Mortared and solid,
six feet thick.

Your words were explosive,
like gasoline.
Burning me inside,
feeling so mean.

All day and all night,
the barrage never stopped.
Feeling so guilty,
my senses were cropped.

I stood there and took it,
while you were so wild.
I was a boy,
but you were the child.

Poetic ink
Dotted in blacks
Paint the page
Still something lacks

Memories wiped
my painted dreams
Ripped me solid
along faded seams

Belong I do not
by any accord
Words are my muse
Left at the door

Taken away
in slumber by night
Nothing forbidden
Defused by the light

Afraid what might come
in wonderless waves
Walked straight on
into pitch black caves

Written on the walls
stories are told
My muse left alone
The ink will be bold

Hey Jolly Man
How are you?
Too much to drink
and hangover too.

Naughty list I see
I am very contrite
Not a good year
my life sort of bites

Coal again
in the stocking by the fire
Sitting alone
nothing to desire

The world is a mess
peace to all men
You failed me this year
Not one lasting pen

Holiday cheer
where did it go
I sought to repent
and go with the flow

But these times are hard
for every last soul
I looked to the sky
No St. Nick, see me crawl

Bury my head in the pillow
another Christmas Eve.
Nothing has changed
the world I must leave

Goodbye St. Nick
I want to believe
I sit here in lonely
Tears do not leave

I can not find one reason not to cry
Nor to shed a single tear or to be drowned out in defeat
I have been bullied by life's many faults
The inner workings of my own self doubt beaten to a pulp in a split second
The impulses that drive through my thoughts instilling madness from within
Numbed to the bone by regret and remorse
Engraved into the fabric of my soul
Shredding my well being until nothing is left
I can not put out the flames that destroy me

Your little hands bruised me
Your little words scorned me
Your little knives cut me
Your little face haunts me
Your little mind scares me
Your little heart loved me
But all your little things killed me

Look down, Type, Sipped
Eyes gazed, Oops I tripped

Down again, type some more
Life's eletronic, laughter's *****

Sip the black, fuel the cage
Twenty four seven, friends engage

Pressing buttons, grip it tight
Bumping strangers, it's all right

One word, two words, three words, four
Text in time, fingers sore

Creeping by, step and step
Screen is cracked,  oh, what a mess

Nothing matters but every text
Lift up my head, my life is a wreck

Mind my loss.

Lost my mind.

Do I really care?

I sang to the sad man
only to hear my own echo
Reflections pitched in a confused tone,
dancing with silent partners in an empty ballroom.

Circles of sound filled the chamberhall,
nothing heard but the feather that hit the floor
It was me, talking to myself, my whispers imbedded inside my empty head.

I heard the final pin drop.
A lost echo no more.

Our holidays were not special,
counting up all the years.
No joy or not happy,
only rages and fears.

Christmas' was unkind,
Presents all in a row.
My uncle dressed up as Santa,
then took me to mistletoe.

My birthday was meant for me,
but was really for the sin.
No blowing out the candles,
the evil did begin.

I saw the bunny hopping,
hiding all the eggs,
oh god, it was him,
Please, STOP! touching between my legs!!

Finally, Halloween!!
It's my only crutch.
Make this evil stop
I cringed at his touch!

The New Year rolled around,
I finally feel alive.
I killed that evil man
with the blade of my knife.

Did I not deserve one moment of your time?
I stared at the walls, I was crying blind.

You were not there, I had no other.
A sister, a mother, but where was my father?

I wanted to talk, I wanted to grow
I felt betrayed with no place or no home

I was left scared, with no place to turn.
No father to run to, I was feeling astern.

Time passed by, I remembered what mattered,
all of my innocence, all but shattered

I found your headstone many years later,
I cried many tears, I found my father.

Lost my way
My way with words
Shh. Nothing
Not a sound!

A trip to sinful means,
I have traveled down insanity's path

A mist induced path of my ****** mind
drowned out by the mental inferior pictures of life

Pictures that are stuck in time,
A moment, a place, a breathe and a soul

A soul captured by a quick shutter and stolen
Taken from the filth of my ******* visions

My own visions of lust and desire, Stop it!!
This is my ****** up trip of unraveled morality

We condemn the fruits
of our putrid past,
straining the stench
of summer's last

Our passions forbidden
by the temptress soul,
love is blind
when given whole

Driven by lust
and greed and sin,
Envy takes over
now it begins

Deep in the soul
feeling it swell,
Its all but over
we are going to hell!!

I hear the silence
ringing my ear.
It's eerily piercing
no one can hear.

Blocking the sound,
getting much closer.
Dripping in sweat,
terror no venture.

Shackled with chains,
bound to cold steel.
Can't break away,
madness come feel.

Padded inside,
ceiling all white,
Ninety four tiles,
count every night.

Shadows walk by,
steps by the dozen.
Sitting in darkness,
silence and frozen.

The lights go on.
the lights go off.
Sanity is gone.
NOW GO *******!!