i need to be held to sleep

i can't sleep anymore.

it's getting to my head and it's getting worse and worse by the days.

i don't know how to fix it.

change isn't always good.

atleast not to everyone

but to me,
most change is good.

the universe is planning something,
you just have to be
patient.

and willing to find out.

the world works in
mysterious ways.

i feel such a deep longing -
so close to my heart
that it's almost
a yearning feeling.

i long for someone to
hold me close
and tell me
*"it'll all be okay."

the aftermath
of what was said,
what was done
and dusted -
it was not what i expected.

the silence
stung -
it also hurt
like a knife
to the heart.

i couldn't believe
the words you said.

the things you did.

stop talking.
just stop.

you always run your mouth
too much.

it gives me physical stress.

what are you going to say next?

are you going to just
spill all my secrets?

the ones i trusted you with?

because you can't.
it's not fair.
i trusted you!

i trusted you,
but you took my word,
and ran.

you always run your mouth like this.

i should've known.

these people
that i write about,
they don't deserve
my words.

they don't deserve a single piece
of my work dedicated to them.

so why do i do it anyway?

i keep looking ahead
trying not to re-live
past memories,
past friendships,
words i never said,
and words i regret.

i cant help but re-live it
every once in a while...

its not good for me to
keep thinking about it,
my thoughts often linger
there for days after.

but i keep looking ahead,
because i know those
regretted words
and
bad memories
wont matter when i make
better memories
and say things
that make everybody laugh more
than before.

i dont want
to be just
a stranger to you.

you're one of my
favourite people
and i would hate
for us to lose that.

its years worth of friendship.

you think i wanted this?

hell no.

i dont want
to be just
a stranger to you.

but it's too late,
isnt it?

i already am --
and those years
meant nothing
because you found
new people.

old habits die hard.
don't they?

but do i even have to ask you,
you'd know.

i miss myself.
though im not sure
how it's possible --
i just
do.

its not like i miss a version of me
that has well been and gone..

i just miss myself sometimes
and i dont know
why.

im starting to listen
to more upbeat,
happy,
summery songs.

i can't describe what they sound like
but they just feel
like summer
in every way.

it's hard to explain.

but im starting to feel that
summer heat come through.
it's making me want
to go outside
and feel the air.

get sunburnt even.

i wouldn't care.

im just happy that summer breeze is back.

getting sunburnt
may be painful.

but its so worth it.

making those memories
of being on the beach
with friends
or maybe your family.

or being at a pool party
to cool off
after that forty degree day.

i would exchange laughs for sunburn
any day.

because memories,
they stay.

i hear the birds sing
to eachother
from across the street.

why can't we have life
that simple?

im sorry that im
not what you expected
after you got to know me.

maybe you have such high
expectations
and i just simply dont meet them.

but im sorry
either way.

feeling left out
is a different kind of feeling.
one that no one
should ever
get used to.

because it hurts.

when they text about you
without you.

or when they're singing
and dancing
without you --
but right in front of you.

its a feeling like no other.

one that no one should feel.

i feel so sick..

i also feel like
im going completely insane,
thinking things that probably
aren't real.

i feel left out from my friends
like they all hate me or something?

i feel under pressure at school,
like work just keeps stacking up
and it stresses me
more and more.

i can't sleep at night anymore.
so i sleep in and get nothing done --
the work piles up,
and i haven't seen my friends
in five days..

i don't know what to do with myself.

i cry over nothing
over the littlest things,
any miniature mistake
that i make
creates this big dent
in my world.

i feel so insane,
so sick,
so tired,
like everyone is watching
but also not watching.

if you ask me
what i love,
i could give you a long list
of who and what.

but in my top three
would be clouds.

and im sure by now
if you've gotten this far..
you've asked yourself
or the device you're reading this on --
why?
why does this
random user like clouds?

give me a moment,
ill tell you in a few sentences..


it's because they tell stories.

their shapes
and stories are aphonic.
they speak to you
but not really.

that's why i love them.

you don't
know
what is "said"
but you also
know
what is "said"
at the same time.
which is such
an odd out of body
experience.

if that makes any sense
to a sane person.

i say
"im not interested
in anyone"
and
"im not wanting
a relationship, im only young.
why date during school?
i have work to do."

but the truth?

it's far from what i say
i "want".

i can't sleep anymore.
the thoughts start to consume me..
its all i think about now.

im just setting it aside as
hormones --
and going
completely
insane.

but i think i might
actually want
something
with someone.

the clock,
it ticks.

tick
   tock
       tick
            tock

it keeps me awake
in the silence of the night.

that odd hour when
it isn't quite midnight
but also not quite dawn.

it's deafening almost.

it makes me hear things..

is there someone in the house?

creak


tick
   tock
       tick
            tock

no.

maybe i should check.

the clock,
it ticks.

and it keeps me up.

i barely sleep.

why would you
prefer to live for
eternity?

everyone around you
will die at some point,
everyone you love
or loved,
would be gone.
what's the point then?

you'd grow really old,
and you'd have no one.

so why would you prefer
to live for eternity?

death is natural.
it's sad, of course.
it's miserable when we lose
someone we love dearly.

but everybody dies.

there's no point in living forever.

atleast to me,
there isn't.

i wish to see my soul.

i want to see if it's
bright
and full of colour
or dark
and miserable.

i want to stare into my soul --
just to see what's in the inside.

i wish to see my soul

broken sleep,
discontinued dreams,
tossing and turning
at four in the morning.

i barely sleep anymore.

its too hot under these covers,
im too cold now,
i need to be held,
im gonna die in my sleep.

i cant turn my brain off.

i get broken sleep,
i get those discontinued
unfinished --
extremely real feeling dreams,
i toss and turn all night long
still uncomfortable after each turn.

i cant stop
and take a break.

words on paper.
it's simple.

but for some,
for me especially,
it's more
than words on paper.

it's feelings,
storytelling,
a way to express
your opinions

it's everything to me

so yeah,
it is words on paper
but it's more than that too.

i don't remember
when i gained consciousness.

i don't remember
when i started to
really feel things
and become a moody
teenager.

i don't remember
much of the years before high school.

just the key memories.

that kid that once asked
"why is that tree naked"
as the leaves started to fall
off of the tree.

my first true best friend
who once gifted me
a quartz crystal --
fake or not,
it  meant a lot.

the teacher i had
in grade four
who made books interesting
for the kids who got bored easy.

the last thing i remember
the most
from those years
would have to be my old house.

i haven't forgotten my last birthday there.

i turned ten,
i got presents the night before
and i saw my grandparents the next day.
i ate my favourite cake.
two big slices for turning double digits.

but the rest?
i hardly remember.

i don't remember my first concert.
i don't remember all the birthdays before ten.
i don't remember all the laughs.
i don't remember those forgotten
and special memories..

i want to.
but i can't.

they're just a blur now.

at home
head in my cell phone
staring at words
on a white background,
scrolling endlessly.

scroll.
          scroll.
                     scroll.

"just one more --
then ill sleep."
what lies!

i keep staring at
these words
that keep appearing..
love
       people
                  quiet
loud
        soul
                ­ left
time
        silence
                     felt
hurt
        ­ regret
                     sapphire
seldom

poem after poem.
i can't stop reading.
i can't stop writing either.

"just one more!
for real this time!
ill go to bed i swear"

12:11am
          12:13am
                    12:34am
   ­                           12:59am
                              ­          01:10am
                                               ­   02:33am

"ill go to sleep now.
i swear. just one more."

and it's dawn
all of a sudden --
the sun starts to rise.

and it's morning.
a new day,
but im still awake.
staring at the words on my cell phone.
reading one
after the other,
then the next.

i miss your gaze on me!
i miss your voice!
i miss your hair!
i miss the way you'd walk into a room like you owned the place!

i miss your stupid face.
it's so dumb!

because i didn't hurt you.

it's the other way around.

and im still recovering
from what you did.

why do i miss your stupid face?


... i don't know.
don't ask.

i miss it.
i miss you.
i miss us.
i just miss it all.

i know i shouldn't.

but i can't help it.

... i miss your stupid face.

don't push me.

i can't do it
for a reason.

im terrified.

i hate confrontation!

can't i just.. deal with it?
silently,
quietly,
as my heart
twists in pain,
my lungs
slowing down
every breath i take.

i can deal with that.

to keep us friends.

i don't want to lose you..

yes you may have
talked about me behind my back,
made fun of me to my face,
pointed out insecurities,
embarrassed to be infront of people i love,
hurt me physically --
not just emotionally.

but i can't lose you.

you're one of my closest friends.

even though
i know
it's all a fake.

you hate me.

i still can't
lose you.

my body won't let me.

there's this need --
in my heart..
wait.
no.
it's my soul.

my soul is the one
that has this
need..
it's oh so strong
and keeps returning.

there's this
deep ache
and craving
for the physical touch
in a way
i don't get everyday.

my soul
craves
to hold someone
in a way
thats indescribable.

my soul
craves
to be held
by someone
in a way
that makes me heal
from inside out.

it's not even
manageable anymore.

it's taking over me,
the feeling washes over
in red and blue --
craving more
and more
each time.

im stuck.

im right where you left me.

in that room,
where we once got too close
and it was like
time stopped...
just for us.

im right where you left me.

in that garden,
where we laughed too hard
and started to cry
and it was like
the world stopped spinning...
just for us.

im stuck in those moments.

the ones that silently mean
the world to me.

the ones i write about --
sometimes inbetween the lines.

hidden between the letters.

im stuck.

im right where you left me.

im not sunshine and rainbows.
im not little miss smiley --
im not the quiet kid
you think you know.

im not whoever is in
that little messed up head of yours.

im human,
im talkative,
im sad sometimes,
other times im really happy...

i can dress how i want
and when i want.

i do not have to
adhere
to your standards.

at all.

i can be who i want,
and you can't change that
because im not who you envisioned --
im just me.
and im allowed to be.

im trying so hard
not to hurt you
or burden you.

i don't want to cause you
unessacary stress
or extra anxiety
worrying about me --
and if im okay.

when im not.

but i say i am
just because
trying so hard
not to be
a
burden.

first days of the month
are scary.

it's a fresh new start..
again.

its a time
and reason
to make a good impression
on the new month.

what new goals do you have?
what new affirmations are you telling yourself?
how many books are you going to read?
how many words are you going to write?
are you really going to start working out?

because you always say
that you will
and you never do.

you're lying to yourself.

that's why the first
of every month..
is scary.

a new
and fresh start.

again.

love is a tricky thing to navigate.
to find the right people --
your people.

the ones who love you
for you,
and love you
endlessly.

it's not always easy to find,
you might not have a group
of some
like others.
but a few is enough --
more than.

you just need a little bit of love
in your life,
and you can find it
anywhere you go.

tell me why
i cant seem to find
a distraction
for my mess of a head.

tell me why
i cant seem to find
an antidote for my tears
that never stop flowing
out of my baby blue eyes.

tell me why nothing ever works.
not one smile can change my mood.
not even sleep can help.

theres nothing that works --
and i crave for something to,
but it never does.

not one antidote,
not one solution,
not one medication.

it's too loud.

every thought
stop talking, you're weird
in my head
they don't listen
increases volume
louder. louder.
by the second.

it's getting too loud.
too much.

am i too much?

different shades of blue
represent different things to me.

that beautiful baby blue
that you see
on those instax polaroid cameras
reminds me of concerts,
my friends,
and the colour of sweetness.

the bright blue sky --
it's such a gorgeous shade
one that reminds me
that the world is
a massive place
and there's plenty to explore.

that deep navy tone,
one that's usually found
in the night sky
or those dark wash jeans --
the ones shoved in the back of your dresser.

that particular shade
reminds me of loneliness.

im not quite sure why,
but the night sky is a big place,
home to more stars than we can count.

it must feel lonely up there --
dark,
with no one around.

the sky really is the limit up there.

my tears
they fall
until i crumble.

like that leaf
i picked up in the forest
and it just
crumbled in my hands.

i crumble
like that leaf.

its very easy --
to get obsessed,

getting obsessed
...but with writing?

it can hurt.

because it becomes
your only way
to cope,
to stay sane --

to be okay.

and its hard to
open up to people
after writing for so long.


and having paper
be the only one
who truly understands.

its difficult to be
vulnerable and open
about your feelings
and opinions
when writing them
is all you know.

the thoughts
they just keep on racing,
like they're all competing --
winner gets the reward of
tears flowing.
emotions non-stop.
no runner ups.

and they wont stop.
why wont they stop?

i feel so...
out of place here.
its like they forget
my name
and why im even
there.

my friends forget
im in class
becuase im in the corner,
always
too
quiet.

maybe i need to talk more.
maybe i need to scream how i feel.
maybe i should sit with them...

i know it would solve
this issue
but..
would it really?

i am just known
as the quiet kid
among many.

tell me --
who you are.
where you've been.
because i can't trust anymore.

i can't trust anyone.

between ai,
fake people
and old white lies --
im not sure what's real
and what's not.

maybe my brain
is too twisted
and is making
this all up...

im not sure
what's real
and what's not,
who i can trust
and who i can't --
it's all so confusing.

just leave me be,
maybe it'll spare me
the sympathy
when all my secrets
get dug up.

if you tell a lie,
people cant always
pick it apart
from the truth.

with you --
no one knows
what's real
and what's fake.

there's that feeling
of old memories
and happy voices --
big smiles too,
whenever you hear
thag one tune.

that one simple melody.

that one chord.

it all floods back.

no matter what happens,
it's always her.

she's there through my
platonic breakups,
romantic breakups,
emotional breakdowns,
overwhelm,
and the nights i cry myself to sleep.

she's there
every
single
time.

that's why it's always her.


but you know..
things change.

people change.

so maybe it's not always her.
atleast not anymore,
not the way it once was.

she's not there anymore.

but honestly?
nor am i.
and im trying to move on
from her.

and i think im almost there.

when i dont write, maybe im in a slump or something, just know that my second account will have raw and unedited pieces that i cant finish (sometimes).

just uploaded a really raw one. literally thought of it maybe thirty minutes ago. all my thoughts are there too. so if you like hearing peoples creative process you should check it out.

go check out noumena. might find pieces that wont be on here ever.

i have decided that since i personally write a lot that i dont end up liking, that i would make an account where i share my thought process behind all my "bad" poems. the ones that dont flow, or make any sense whatsoever.

i want to work on how i view my own writing but i also want to improve my writing. i want to have this as an escape whenever i feel down but i also would like to be able to write well when im bored or even for schooling.

i take constructive criticism and i want to hear your thoughts and opinions about my own thoughts and poems. and my second account allows for that.

im aiming to be more vulnerable on there and i will not edit the pieces before they're uploaded.

because life is messy and my writing is allowed to be. no ones writing is perfect. theres always going to be something you can do to make it flow better. atleast in my opinion.

so im hoping this all makes sense and that my second account can be a helpful place in a way.

i sat in the forest --
picking up leaves
and ripping them
in different ways,
different shapes
because everyone is different.

and they all break differently.

i picked a once green leaf
that was staring to brown
on the edges.

i ripped it
and it didn't break
slowly
like the others.

it just fell apart
in my hands.

but it made me look up at the
sunbeams
slipping between
the tall forest trees.

realising,
not everyone breaks slowly.

some people crumble and fall apart
all at once.

and that's okay.

the unlimited stories
unfold slowly,
words floating in
little minds
already worried about
too much.

we were read stories
as a kid,
too many --
umlimited.

some stick,
some don't.

so let the stories unfold
and take in the words,
let them float around your head awhile.

don't think about the story
too seriously --
just imagine.
let it sit for some time.

mysteries fourth project, prescription is three different (made up) medicine prescriptions that mysterie prescribed for healing certain (internal) wounds.

this is a vulnerable project, one that she hopes to connect with people through on many levels.

a Prescription;
- Treachery
- Nostalgia
- Unlimited Stories

the link to read all:
https://perscription.straw.page

yes im well aware that prescription is spelled incorrect in the link.